To be a bit shocked by what other mother said

[dysfunctionalme]

At my son's birthday party, another mother wanted to talk about schools. She is a teacher and generally takes an authoritative line on schooling. She said her dd was doing very well at school, "she's an advanced learner, just amazing" and then, in the very same breath, suggested I consider sending my ds to another school "where they have a great programme for special needs boys".

Which would be possibly a helpful comment if my son had special needs.

But I am not aware he does. He is 4 and is a busy and seemingly very normal child. I thought?

It all took me a bit by surprise and being busy with the party, didn't go any further with it. Now I'm wondering why she said that and if there's something glaringly "special" about my son.

To explain what he's like, he is 4, physically fine, extremely verbal, sociable (has several good friends and manages group situations normally), can stay on task for extended periods of time e.g. yesterday he worked independently on a craft kit for around 30mins (which had flummoxed me tbh)

He likes to run and climb and throw things and I do ask him about 20 times a day not to squash/throw/stretch whatever it is.

Is that weird?

steppemum ColouringIn and so many other posters - thank you for accepting my words in good faith. Of course I mean no offence to anyone. This was intended as a chat amongst friends, if you will, about a small incident which is really neither here nor there.

My son is fine, I am fine, the other mother probably did not mean to cause any offence or upset. I do think it is in part her American-ness that at times clashes with the local ways, rather than any intended slight.

It's just one of those things that get you wondering, talking etc.

Oh I didn't think you were being intentionally offensive.

The problem is that IME many teachers brand children as special needs when they are, in fact, nothing of the sort and just utterly unremarkable and merely developing at different rates to others. (can you tell this has happened to me? School told me they suspected autism at 4 yrs old. Assessment revealed nothing of the sort. He is now 6 and top of the class. He just was a bit slower getting there!!)

For what it's worth, I think your son sounds like a lovely bright little thing - I wish my 4 yr old would concentrate for 30 mins!!

Have a word with his teacher, just to set your mind at rest.

It is not a cultural difference it is rudeness.

I to thought OP was asking if this womans behaviour was weird not that her DS was weird.

What a charming way of again saying that you think she is rude simply because she is American.

You've indicated a couple times that you think it's just because she's American that she's rude. Perhaps this is news to you... but there are rude people in the UK as well. Does that mean they are ALL rude? Of course not!

She may be rude. She may be American. But she is not rude because she is American. She is rude because she is rude. End of.

Now that you've had your subtle go at both Americans and special needs, is there any other group you feel you need to offend?

I don't think the OP was being deliberately offensive. But "special" used in that way is. Hugely.

Personally, I think the OP needs to start engaging the brain before speaking and/or posting. Honestly... the number of throwaway comments with assumptions and offensive undertones she has made indicates that she is either looking for a bunfight or simply doesn't think before she posts.

"special" used in the way it was in the op is offensive.

but op your nbu the woman was rude

Triggles, different cultures put things ways that seem rude to other cultures - Germans can be very direct about their wants, Chinese see nothing wrong with mentioning how fat you are, Swedes can be a bit dismissive, Americans can be very pushy to British ears - even English northerners can seem a bit overly familiar to English southerners - note that they don't mean to be rude, they're not being rude, but nevertheless it feel as rude to the other person as reaching out with your left hand to get bread when eating with an Indian.

OP was saying how it felt to her, she acknowledges that it might be a cultural thing, and is shrugging it off. She was not being rude, simply trying to find reasons for the other lady's perceived rudeness.

Hardly a need to be patronising, thank you. I stand by what I said. Rudeness is not a "cultural thing." The woman made an assumption based on little information about the OP's child, and then the OP made an assumption based on little information about the woman. It's pretty clear, really.

Rudeness is absolutely a cultural thing - different cultures obviously see more things as more or less important.

OP was excusing the lady's rudeness by suggesting that perhaps she didn't realise she was being rude because in her culture it wouldn't be.

Just as I excused my Chinese colleague when he mentioned that walking to work would help me be less fat, and an Indian colleague excused me when I reached out for bread from the plate on the table with both hands.

It seems to me that you're the one looking to be patronised/for a fight rather than here to discuss.

Ignore her. I had a similar incident with my son ( he's almost 28 now). The childminder asked me if he had adhd as he never stopped etc. He was just like your son, what I would call normal.
Anyway he ended up going to study english at Cambridge Uni. I still, to this day, want to tell her what my son ended up doing as I'm convinced she just thought he was either naughty or had some kind of condition.

No, this woman's rudeness stemmed from simply making an assumption when she didn't know all the facts. That's not a cultural thing - that's just rude. It has nothing to do with her being American. I've had plenty of people make similar comments regarding our DS2 (who does have SNs), and they were British. This had nothing to do with a cultural norm and everything to do with "foot in mouth" syndrome.

Well, I didn't realise that Chinese people think it's OK to make personal remarks!

And surely taking food from the table with both hands is rude in any culture?

If you look for insult and offence, you will surely find it... even in the most innocuous of statements.
I found nothing offensive in the OP's OP when I first read it, and still don't. Being half-Chinese, I am also unoffended by the comment about the Chinese, . (Personally, it would not cross my mind to mention someone's weight without checking first that a) I am outside the range of an immediate strike and b) that I can run faster than them! )

bunny you made me laugh. Reminds me of the cartoon of the doctor telling the mother, "I'm afraid you've got something called children"

Wellington Boot if you look for insult and offence, you will surely find it... even in the most innocuous of statements. So true!

Bit late on information here but my son is not in school yet. Where we live (not UK) you can start any age up to 6 and he will probably start next term. So far he has just been to meet the principal and inspect his new classroom.

Maybe the american thought uk special needs was the same as usa,s gifted and talented? Ie. Advanced

I'm with you, triggles - op has also worked in a reference to mums of just girls not liking boys, blah blah etc. That's not likely to offend or provoke a bunfight, oh no...

In your shoes I would ask Waldorf directly why she said it and if she has any concerns. Say that you hadn't noticed and SEN's and could she tell you what she thinks the issues are.

I suspect it was just a foot in mouth moment. I wonder if the different parts of the sentence weren't meant to be linked up so closely, but she wasn't concentrating because it was a chitchat moment. She could have meant:

"I think he'd love that school. Oh and by the way, one reason I know it's such a great school is because I know how well they handle special needs." Ie, not implying your child has SN, just supplying extra info about the school.

Definitely ask her - even if the subject doesn't come up. Bring it up.

FWIW, my little boy (4) has HFA (High Functioning autism, or aspergers) 90% of the time, you would NEVER know there was a problem. But, I know that he needs 1-2-1 TA in school. He is clever, sociable, has amazing concentration*

(* Caveat: When he is doing something HE wants to be doing)

I am not sure if the other children (or parents) have been made aware of my DS's additional needs, but the teachers are aware and know that I am fully behind them. I am hopeful we will get a statement through soon.

His problems were first detected by a teacher (for whom I have great respect) at our local prep school. At the time, you would have sworn there wasn't a problem. 18 months later, we have a diagnosis and he is doing well in our local state primary.

OP I would ask her to clarify what she meant by that. In any case, parents that bang on about their 'advanced' kids are dull and often obnoxious.

(regarding inappropriate comments, my DD who bfeeds on demand was described as a pig by a family member because I was feeding her so much).

fanjoforthemammaries Nor is it necessary to say my child isn't 'weird' when saying they don't have SN.

She never even said that! She said "is that weird". Look for offensive things with your eyes closed and you'll find them.

"She never even said that! She said "is that weird". Look for offensive things with your eyes closed and you'll find them."

And "special"? How do the Professionally Unoffended feel about that?