To be a bit shocked by what other mother said

[dysfunctionalme]

At my son's birthday party, another mother wanted to talk about schools. She is a teacher and generally takes an authoritative line on schooling. She said her dd was doing very well at school, "she's an advanced learner, just amazing" and then, in the very same breath, suggested I consider sending my ds to another school "where they have a great programme for special needs boys".

Which would be possibly a helpful comment if my son had special needs.

But I am not aware he does. He is 4 and is a busy and seemingly very normal child. I thought?

It all took me a bit by surprise and being busy with the party, didn't go any further with it. Now I'm wondering why she said that and if there's something glaringly "special" about my son.

To explain what he's like, he is 4, physically fine, extremely verbal, sociable (has several good friends and manages group situations normally), can stay on task for extended periods of time e.g. yesterday he worked independently on a craft kit for around 30mins (which had flummoxed me tbh)

He likes to run and climb and throw things and I do ask him about 20 times a day not to squash/throw/stretch whatever it is.

Is that weird?

scuzy - party or no party how in the name of God did you not ask her there and then what she meant???

I don't know, maybe the many children charging round, the juggling of jellies and what not, I guess I was a bit distracted.

aquashiv that is so true. I remember being so taken aback when showing off my utterly beautiful week-old first born to a friend and her commenting, "Oh one of her eyes is bigger than the other!"

LackingNameChangeInspiration = "I'm thinking this mother just favours girls and sees the boyishness of boys as a negative." there are women like this! I do know a couple!

Do you have boys? girls? both?

I notice more and more how some mothers of only girls are quite anti boys. I was so relieved at the school when the principal made him feel so welcome and was so enthusiastic about his energy, joyfulness and little-ness.

YABVU to use the term "special".

My child isn't "Special", she has Special Needs.

If she is direct and American rude herself, she won't mind you asking her directly "you made a comment about X school the other day - I wondered what exactly it was about DS which made you think it would suit him?"

At least then you could establish what, if any, logic there is behind her lunacy opinion

YANBU.

She may be "another teacher" but she is NOT your son's teacher and thus far from in a position to comment. If she teaches at the same school as your son, I would be tempted to respond to any future comments with "do you really think so? I had better speak to the Headteacher to discuss why HIS Teacher has not said or implied anything similar to me, given you seem to think its an impotant enough problem to raise in a social situation even when you don't teach him" - then watch the colour drain from her face.....

Your son sounds like a perfectly normal 4 year old boy to me, though probably better behaved with a longer attention span than my DS at that age!

Quite frankly (given the context of comments about her DD) she sounds like the sort of person to blow out your candle to make hers burn brighter.

Look, I realise I may get shot down for saying this, but despite the fact that the way she raised the subject was out of order, I would be very curious to know what made her raise the subject, to the point that I would make an appointment to speak to her on a formal basis.
Reason? Because I have a son with incredibly complex special needs which have only started to be met because my wife & I kept pushing it. If there is ANY chance that he has SEN (in either direction) it is worth really examining the issue as closely as possible, as soon as possible. There is no "too early".

Look at it this way - if he's not SEN, it will put your mind at rest. If he is SEN (again I stress in either direction - above is just as valid as below average) you can start getting him any help he needs from an early age, and small changes at a young age are so much easier to implement and so much more potent.

My son is now 12, and every day brings another battle with some authority or another. Wish someone had said something to me when he was 4!

Welly.

I'm astonished she is able to diagnose your son and recommend the ideal solution to his needs all in one birthday party! It usually takes the experts many sessions of careful observation and analysis.

She must be such an asset to her colleagues

I have a boy and haven't experienced it so much with him YET (only in preschool) I see it in our family, the boys are described as "well, boys" and always told off even when they are being perfectly charming but perhaps a little enthusiastic about it IYKWIM but the girls have an enthralled audience even when they are actually being rude and interrupting adult conversation in a way that the boys would not be allowed to do

The girls are considered to be the clever ones but I can't see it myself, I think the boys are just as clever but then I listen to them and don't tell them to settle down and be quiet all the time

but I do also agree with Wellingtonboot, I'ld want her to expand on it because it will either make her uncomfortable and show her she was out of order, or it will identify something you can't see because you're too close to it IYWKIM

Thanks Wellingtonboot - but what SEN does your son have? I don't really understand.

Yellowtulips - she is not a teacher at their school, she's a high school teacher.

It sounds as if your son is a happy normal little boy. Having ants in your pants does not consitute a special need. Otherwise 50% of children would be on the special needs register at 4 years old.

I imagine that your little boy goes to nursery. If there were an issues then nursery would have spotted them.

"Yellowtulips - she is not a teacher at their school, she's a high school teacher."

She is no better position to diagnose special needs than some random mumsnetter.

I find a well placed withering rendition of the "oh DO fuck off" works well here...

Blimey! firstly it was rather rude at a childrens party, and didn't give you much chance to respond! secondly, it does sound rather like she was trying to 'big' her own child up. Some parents do that, for whatever reason

Have the school/nursery raised any concerns? how well does she know your child? FWIW he sounds like a normal 4 yr old boy to me -- and from what you have said, he can concentrate, focus etc. I would also want her to expand on it - but going by what you have said, she might have an agenda....

As an aside, Ds1 was very verbal, but chose when and how he said things - he was very observant, and could sit for hours in his pushchair, not saying owt, but taking stuff in.

One day, we were in the park (he was about 18-24 months old - can't quite remember) we went down to the duck pond, and were joined by another mum and her similar age ds.

Both boys are busy feeding the ducks. Other boy was remarking on the ducks "loook duck - he likes bread!" he was very sweet, and I was chatting to him. My ds stood there listening, but silent.

After a while, the other mum asked me if ds was talking yet. I told her that he was, but he chose his moments - he was more of a silent observer, until he felt he could contribute.. She nodded sympathetically, and said she was a teacher, and started to make encouraging noises about speech therapy. she was very lovely and meaning well however.

As we were about to leave, her wee man said "Bye bye duckies!"

My son turned to him, and said "Actually, I think they are mallards, and that ones a moorhen..."

I just pissed myself. he's 15 now - and he's still reserved, with the odd ascerbic comment!

dysfunctionalme - My son has autistic spectrum disorder, ADHD, some extent of Audio Processing Disorder, dyspraxia and verbal dyspraxia. At 4, I didn't think there was anything wrong at all

Sorry, I thought the other mum was a teacher at your son's school too!

pixwix that is brilliant

I love when children come out with unexpected flashes of brilliance (though it sounds as though your boy is a very smart cookie indeed)

The other evening mine nodded sagely at the full moon and remarked, Mummy I think Matisse would really like that moon, it is yellower than lemons.

Thanks Welly, okay that's interesting. A friend's dd has just been diagnosed with similar, she is a very very clever girl and now she's getting a bit of help she is much happier and her results have rocketed.

TBH she probably made a throw away comment. People just dont' realise how distressing those comments can be. I would ask her. I have let comments about me kids go and worried about them. Later comments from the same people make it obvious what they really think (one way or the other) and I wish I had fronted up and asked them before, it would have given me fewer sleepless nights.

I have known quite a few situations over the years where I have had concerns about the children and the parents have been oblivious, I wouldn't have dreamt of commenting unless they raised the subject and even then I would have been treading on eggshells to say the right thing (and i am a teacher, not all of us are know it alls!)

I think it was an inappropriate thing to say and hurtful, but it may not have been deliberate, more self focussed.

Love the phrase further up:
'blowing out your candle to make hers shine brighter'

forgot to say your ds sounds lovely, normal healthy and energetic - fab boy. I love 'em

I knew it was time to break up with a mum 'friend' (who had been getting on my wick for a while, but she lived down the street.....) when she said to me at my DS's birthday party (when I had just had 6 week old DD) in reference to some comment I had made:

'But of course I don't believe in lying to my children, like Chocolate does!'

Knowing her (very Waldorf, very Berkeley - where we live) she meant things like Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny but the comment was just so rude, at an event I was hosting, and considering I was postpartum - I ended the 'friendship' over e-mail a few days later - no, I didn't have a confrontation with her then and there.

It helped that my very good friend overheard the comment and was just totally shocked by it as well. She (Waldorf One) was always coming out with stuff like that (kept recommending me books for my 'highly sensitive child' - her phrase, and actually my DS is a typically developing kid, as far as I know).

It's just bang out of order, isn't it?

"He likes to run and climb and throw things and I do ask him about 20 times a day not to squash/throw/stretch whatever it is."

My son is like this, he does happen to be autistic. My friends son is also like this. He has no special needs. My point being no intelligent person diagnoses special needs in a child based on the behaviour of that child at a party. It is a long process that involves lots of monitoring from, and lots of feedback to, a professional, from the parents and the childs teacher/nursery nurse.

Ignore the silly woman.

Sounds like a snobby smug narrow minded silly bint.

Ignore and avoid.

Your som sounds perfect. What an astonishing coincidence, I had one just like that!

Sounds like she's just being a bitch to me. I'm afraid some mums you come into contact with just are. Dump her. She is clearly unprofessional anyway and go meet some nice mums. Talk to the classroom teacher about progress.
Some parents feel they are in competition it's due to low self esteem.

Why the assumption that special needs means your ds is behind etc? Very bright dcs have special needs too.

It is obviously worrying you enough to ask questions on a parenting forum so her comments seem to have touched a nerve. The only way you can find out what she means is to ask her. You can't expect a bunch of strangers to confirm your ds is normal.