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Original poster

To be a bit shocked by what other mother said

132 replies

dysfunctionalme · 10/09/2012 12:36

At my son's birthday party, another mother wanted to talk about schools. She is a teacher and generally takes an authoritative line on schooling. She said her dd was doing very well at school, "she's an advanced learner, just amazing" and then, in the very same breath, suggested I consider sending my ds to another school "where they have a great programme for special needs boys".

Which would be possibly a helpful comment if my son had special needs.

But I am not aware he does. He is 4 and is a busy and seemingly very normal child. I thought?

It all took me a bit by surprise and being busy with the party, didn't go any further with it. Now I'm wondering why she said that and if there's something glaringly "special" about my son.

To explain what he's like, he is 4, physically fine, extremely verbal, sociable (has several good friends and manages group situations normally), can stay on task for extended periods of time e.g. yesterday he worked independently on a craft kit for around 30mins (which had flummoxed me tbh)

He likes to run and climb and throw things and I do ask him about 20 times a day not to squash/throw/stretch whatever it is.

Is that weird?

OP posts:
PooPooOnMars · 12/09/2012 11:16

Triggles Hmm

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2012 12:49

Poopooonmars...

Whatever

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2012 12:51

She actually said'
He likes to run and climb and throw things and I doask him about 20 times a day not to squash/throw/stretch whatever it is.

Is that weird?'

Someone then reassured her 'your son isn't weird'

Maybe its you who has your eyes closed

threeOrangesocksmorgan · 12/09/2012 12:52

well said Seeker

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2012 12:53

Anyway I'm not coming back to this thread to bunfight endlessly with the professionally unoffended, gave up with the OP's lack of apology for offending many people.

PooPooOnMars · 12/09/2012 13:47

Perhaps she can't be bothered to apologise to the professionally offended.

"whatever" is a fantastic come back by the way! Grin

seeker · 12/09/2012 13:50

PooPooOnMars - talk to me about how you regard "special".

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2012 13:51

I wish I was professionally offended..would make loads on here.

Whatever was a bit lazy, but you are hardly the queen of repartee there tbh

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2012 13:53

Now, this is fun, but I am not 9, so am off to make lunch

PooPooOnMars · 12/09/2012 14:09

Seeker. I don't really feel the need to because i don't assume everyone is out to offend me, no chip on my shoulder [shrugs]

I have a sn brother, dad and possibly son, but i don't assume that a piece of terminology a random person uses on the internet is said offensively rather than just a slip of the tongue (or fingers), i don't have that sort of attitude towards it. I believe that things are only offensive if the person means them that way. Otherwise its your choice to take it how you wish.

You'll wear yourself out looking for things to be offended by when they are not intended that way.

I accept that not everyone is always up to date with what is pc terminology at the moment. That doesn't make them a bad person.

seeker · 12/09/2012 14:21

Neither am I- out to look for offence, I mean. Which is why the only term have picked up on is "special".

There is absolutely way that anyone could possibly not know that is an offensive term.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2012 14:34

I picked up on "weird" but clearly "special" was the most offensive term.

I wasn't out to "look for offence" either...

someone said "your son isn't weird meaning he didn't have SN and strike me down, but my DD has severe SN and I found that a bit hurtful.

It is so insulting to accuse people of "Looking for offence" when they have just found something upsetting.

OneMoreChap · 12/09/2012 14:34

No, YANBU. She sounds a right 'mare.
Is DD her PFB?

Oh and
LackingNameChangeInspiration Mon 10-Sep-12 13:07:24
"I'm thinking this mother just favours girls and sees the boyishness of boys as a negative."
there are women like this! I do know a couple!

Very carefully says nothing, nothing at all Smile

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2012 14:37

in fact, far from "Looking for offence" I could have done quite nicely without reading that and feeling shit, thanks.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2012 14:42

at most you could accuse me of being oversensitive but not "looking for offence"..who really enjoys feeling hurt?

Lougle · 13/09/2012 06:52

Nobody it's being " professionally offended" when they object to the term "special".

Would it be acceptable to say 'is cancer', 'is HIV', 'is MS'? No.

Why not? Because those conditions may affect the person in their day to day living, but they haven't stolen the person and replaced them with the condition. The person exists alongside the condition, doing their best to overcome the limitations that the condition places on them.

My DD has a brain malformation. The MRI findings are so subtle that some doctors wouldn't even notice the differences, doctors disagree on how the changes should be classified, and most doctors can't say anything useful about the bits they do agree on. Yet, the differences that result in DD are evident and significant enough that she has a special school place.

None of the 112 children she has the privilege to share a school with are "special". They are ordinary children who happen to have a feeding tube, or use signs to communicate, or sit in a funky wheelchair, or see the world through a different lens. Their teachers still expect much of them.

seeker · 13/09/2012 07:05

And "special" - sometimes spelled "speshul" and said with a particular facial expression is an insult among children and unthinking adults.

It is no more "looking for something to be offended by" to object to it than it would be to object to "poof" or "nigger".

BonnieBumble · 13/09/2012 07:16

Something similar happened to me when ds1 had just turned 2. I was queuing in Costa and ds was jumping up and down saying "cake cake cake", this mother said "it must be so exhausting having a special needs child". I was so taken aback and didn't realise that she was talking about my child, then she patted me on the shoulder and told me about a special needs group that she knew of. The worrying thing is that she was a teacher and if she can make such rash judgements on the basis of a snapshot of normal behaviour it is a concern.

Her son is the same age as ds1 and I don't know them anymore but I was told that she pulled him out of state school because he didn't cope with the large classes, then she pulled him out of his independent school because he didn't cope there either and I think she is home schooling him. It makes me wonder if she had concerns about his development when we met and she was trying to project her own anxieties onto me.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 13/09/2012 08:48

Bad form not to offer an apology, OP. You may not have intended it but your phrasing was still hurtful. Why wouldn't you say sorry?

LurkingAndLearningLovesOrange · 13/09/2012 08:50

I agree HoldMe. It implies it's being brushed off as 'they're so PC.'

Special isn't one of those 'Oh don't be so PC..' type things. It is used as an insult and to denigrate SN children.

alienreflux · 13/09/2012 08:57

please don't let this v. weird comment worry you. he's 4 so nursery would have picked up any problems even if you didn't (really can't understand parents not noticing special needs in their own kids?) so yes, when it next comes up, ask her what she meant, as she shouldn't be allowed to be so bloody rude, without redress. but don't worry about your boy, he sounds exactly like my boy, and all the boys we know!

OneMoreChap · 13/09/2012 09:29

LurkingAndLearningLovesOrange Thu 13-Sep-12 08:50:43
It is used as an insult and to denigrate SN children.

I'm of an age where spastic meant a condition rather than an insult.
Any term used to describe a condition will end up as being an insult, and most often by the children's peer group.

cf. cripple, mongol, moron, blind

The path to changing that is long; the gay community is trying with queer, and some of the African-American community is trying to recover for themselves the n-word.

LurkingAndLearningLovesOrange · 13/09/2012 10:09

That's very true Chap, and it's sad isn't it? In my peer group, 'spaz' has been replaced by 'Autistic.' As in: OMG that's sooo Autistic of you!

Bangs head against brick wall

I guess I'd just like to think adults (I know, technically I am one but I don't feel it) are above those kind of stereotypes/wordplay and wouldn't brush off so many people saying it's jurtful as they have a SN child/sibling/friend etc IYSWIM?

Lougle · 13/09/2012 10:42

"really can't understand parents not noticing special needs in their own kids?"

Alienreflux my DD is in special school. Her SN were first formally identified at 2 years 9 months of age.

I had raised queries at 8 mo, 15 mo, 20 mo, and 2 yrs. Each time, told I was being PFB/neurotic. She had been seen by GP, HV, Physio - all said 'normal'.

So, I believed them.

Lougle · 13/09/2012 10:43

It might be true, but once a word has passed from normal usage to an insult, polite people see it as such and stop using it.

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