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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit shocked by what other mother said

132 replies

dysfunctionalme · 10/09/2012 12:36

At my son's birthday party, another mother wanted to talk about schools. She is a teacher and generally takes an authoritative line on schooling. She said her dd was doing very well at school, "she's an advanced learner, just amazing" and then, in the very same breath, suggested I consider sending my ds to another school "where they have a great programme for special needs boys".

Which would be possibly a helpful comment if my son had special needs.

But I am not aware he does. He is 4 and is a busy and seemingly very normal child. I thought?

It all took me a bit by surprise and being busy with the party, didn't go any further with it. Now I'm wondering why she said that and if there's something glaringly "special" about my son.

To explain what he's like, he is 4, physically fine, extremely verbal, sociable (has several good friends and manages group situations normally), can stay on task for extended periods of time e.g. yesterday he worked independently on a craft kit for around 30mins (which had flummoxed me tbh)

He likes to run and climb and throw things and I do ask him about 20 times a day not to squash/throw/stretch whatever it is.

Is that weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
dysfunctionalme · 11/09/2012 03:41

bisjaralympics - Because that's the terminology used here. No one here calls very bright special needs, they call it gifted or, when it's a combination, twice exceptional.

And I didn't ask anyone to confirm my ds is normal. I asked whether aibu to be a bit shocked by comment. I guess you missed that bit.

OP posts:
suziez · 11/09/2012 05:31

How rude, and silly she is.
In America there is a saying, which was my mantra...at the previous school my dd attended, 'opinions are like arseholes, everybody has one' Say it at least daily, it helps keep things in perspective.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/09/2012 06:08

BettySwollocks, children with SN are not 'weird'.

Wtf

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/09/2012 06:10

Also, nearly everyone, 'normal' is not the opposite of SN.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/09/2012 06:14

Just reread OP, can't believe you use term 'special' and ask if your son is 'weird' then go on about 'normal", quite offensive, not to mention being highly insulted someone would say your son could have SN.

I will await flaming but these terms are personally offensive.

dilbertina · 11/09/2012 06:32

I would regard a school which catered well for individual children's needs as a good school (Whether they were "official" special needs or not.)

Is it possible she was pointing out the special needs programme as evidence of how good the school was rather than suggesting your ds was in immediate need of it?

seeker · 11/09/2012 06:39

OP, please don't use "special" in that way.

ColouringIn · 11/09/2012 06:51

I think the OP is trying to explain what happened and is not being offensive at all. I am the parent of an autistic child and am not offended by the OP. she is merely asking of her DS's behaviour is deviating from the norm. She is along is this "weird" in terms of it being out of normal development range. I doubt very much she describes children with special needs as "special" or "weird".

FWIW I think your DS sounds normal OP (whatever normal is).
He sounds an active and happy child.....boys are very physical in my experience so being very active is not necessarily as sign of any development issues.

ColouringIn · 11/09/2012 06:53

Sorry for typos..using iPhone,

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/09/2012 06:55

It is offensive to use the term 'special' and it isn't necessary to the story.

Nor is it necessary to say my child isn't 'weird' when saying they don't have SN.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/09/2012 06:56

You really don't find the phrase 'there's nothing "special" about my son' offensive? I am honestly surprised

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/09/2012 06:57

To me "special" used like that is usually accompanied by offensive facial expressions.

Maybe it's my age

seeker · 11/09/2012 07:00

Hate to derail at all- but the inverted commas round "special" are the give away.

Weird and normal could be just slightly clumsy turns of speech- but "special" is offensive. it's hard enough to stop kids using it!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/09/2012 07:03

Yes, I also don't like to derail, although I will be accused of doing so deliberately I'm sure, but some things need objecting to

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/09/2012 07:12

Now I will crawl back into woodwork as I don't want a big bunfight ..

As you were Grin

MrsFaffnBobbocks · 11/09/2012 07:18

Is there any chance that she was referring to strengths in supporting SEN and boys at a particular school? Because I would assume they were more caring, supportive, skilled and knowledgeable about how children learn differently. She may have seen this as a recommendedation on the school, and not really about your son's particular needs??

chandellina · 11/09/2012 07:25

The fact is you're not really sure what she meant, and she may well have meant she thought your son was gifted, as she thinks her daughter is. It sounds like a slip of the tongue or misused terminology to me.

exoticfruits · 11/09/2012 07:26

The best advice was earlier, ignore and avoid. I find that a vague 'really' and change the subject is the best response.

BalloonSlayer · 11/09/2012 07:41

I think what I might consider doing is making an appointment at the school. Tell them what was said . . . they may say "Oh well actually yes there is a problem," but it sounds more likely that they'll say "What? There's no issue at all." In this instance, go on to mention who said it to you and you will have the satisfaction of seeing the world's biggest eyeroll, which will tell you all you need to know.

BumptiousandBustly · 11/09/2012 07:43

OP, My DS has special needs and I have noticed for quite some time that a friend of mine's son definitely has special needs too - HOWEVER, she is not ready to deal with it yet, its non of my business and I could be wrong though I'm not

So I have said NOTHING! Its simply not my place to, and this is despite the fact that actually I think its damaging for her son that she isn't dealing with it.

In fact, I only mention my thoughts on any friends children, in relation to DSs special needs, if they bring it up and ask for my opinion - no one wants someone sitting them down and telling them that their child has special needs - specially not a friend who has no qualifications AT ALL and NO RIGHT TO AN OPINION!

TheTermagantToaster · 11/09/2012 08:59

Have to say, I agree with Seeker and Fanjo.

LurkingAndLearningLovesOrange · 11/09/2012 09:02

Fanjo summed up my point a lot better than I would have.

StormGlass · 11/09/2012 09:16

Given that the comment seems to be worrying you, I'd be getting in touch with the other mother and asking her exactly what she meant.

Proudnscary · 11/09/2012 09:21

Totally agree with fanjo and amazed so many posters just let it slip by

Also surprised no-one else has said maybe this woman just meant its a great school with great SEN support to illustrate its inclusion and good work...but might have not meant anything about your ds at all

steppemum · 11/09/2012 10:17

umm, I thought weird in the op was meaning:

was that a weird thing for her to say?
not
is my son's behaviour weird?

I did find a lot of random things people said to me very hurtful when my ds was little. My ds doesn't have any special needs, but he hasn't been (still isn't) easy to parent and I was very sensitive to comment, took it as an attack on him or on my parenting skills.
Many comments were inoccent remarks/not aimed at me/misunderstood by me. But one or two were very pointed. I remember being devasted by a comment like this from a couple who didn't even have kids.
In a way they were right. My ds isn't easy, and other people noticed that.
But I have learned to have a thick skin and only listen to people who actually know me and my ds, and whose opinioon I value. They all say he is lovely, and I am doing a good job. I ignore other comments. If they don't know the whole story, they don't have a whole opinion