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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU if I ask you to STOP STARING!

165 replies

MumToADarlingGirl · 07/09/2012 20:07

DD is 4 and has cerebral palsy. She doesn?t have leprosy or typhoid. She doesn?t sit there drooling and gibbering. She has blond hair and green eyes and is cute looking, but she cant walk or talk yet and when she gets excited her legs shoot out in front of her. She has 'normal' intelligence and is a sensitive child.......so OK she doesn?t behave quite like a ?normal? kid, but does than mean mums with children have to stand and stare until she?s passed them? A quick glance?OK?its normal to be interested, but prolonged staring FFS!!!

Are these pig ignorant women (never men) looking smugly at DD preening themselves that they?ve produced perfect children because they are so much cleverer than me (I did all the ?right? things btw)? Do they actually believe that having a birth injured child could never happen to them? Newsflash?IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE..so piss off with the staring and just thank god you were one of the lucky ones.

And if you think I?ve got a chip on my shoulder, you're right, the size of Mount Everest, and shoved there by the unthinking bloody ignorance of the starers! Angry

OP posts:
OrangEyesDoMoreThanSee · 08/09/2012 20:33

My DD was brain injured at birth due to negligence.

She is different to other children. I know people look but she is only 2 so for now I can shelter her from the stares, it's beckoning obvious though that her communication is affected.

I do look at children with CP though and wonder about plucking up the courage to talk to them or their parents. My DD is very subtlety physically affected so people don't befriend me at SN groups as they think we got off lightly (her lack of communication and non growing brain say otherwise to me) and at 'normal' groups we are wondered about behind my back. Dont really fit anywhere.

SoleSource · 08/09/2012 20:36

Autism and blindness, we do not fit anywhere either. It is rare.

NurseRatched · 08/09/2012 21:20

Autism and blindness, we do not fit anywhere either. It is rare. > rubbishy, unMumsetty hugs in response Sad

lovebunny · 08/09/2012 22:13

love to the people who don't fit in anywhere, no matter what the reason.

NurseRatched · 08/09/2012 22:37

Well said, lovebunny Thanks

GoldenSeptember · 09/09/2012 10:22

BesideTheSea you sound lovely and very approachable. I'm at a loss as to why you're getting such a hard time here! Confused

Original poster
MumToADarlingGirl · 09/09/2012 11:16

Thank you all for taking the time to reply Thanks and reassuring me that the vast majority of people, especialy mums, are not looking or staring at DD and thinking there is something 'wrong' with her. She is herself and is different, but so is every individual on this planet! Being the mum to a SN child is very isolating and scary.

Please please dont look away or shush your children away. Make eye contact if you like and smile if youre in a good mood Grin If you are just not interested in other peoples children no matter what their status, a quick glance and carry on about your business is absolutely fine too.

As for the occasional 20 yard staring at us I will smile broadly and say 'do I know you? you're staring so much I must do!' ....put them on the spot and maybe teach them some manners...its rude to stare rudely, but not a long look of interested curiosity (which I am now sure most of it is).

I think from reading the replies the embarrassment factor regarding SN is huge! The unknown etc. But I promise you if you ever wish to start a conversation, within 30 seconds you will be chatting away normally and the SN issue will be quite forgotten. Its just breaking down that initial barrier. We're all just mums and they are all just kids.

Smile
OP posts:
FiveOrangeFlowers · 09/09/2012 14:44

Well said Mum.

Can I just add that my exh has AS and is phobic about visible disabilities.

He stares but would not be able to approach, never mind make conversation Sad

The people who stare can be disabled too, in their own ways.

threeOrangesocksmorgan · 09/09/2012 14:51

`"phobic"
don't get that

FiveOrangeFlowers · 09/09/2012 14:52

He has a phobia of physical disabilities.

threeOrangesocksmorgan · 09/09/2012 15:16

sorry I know I sound thick, but how can that make you stare?

TheSmallClanger · 09/09/2012 15:17

I remember being rather wary of visibly disabled people when I was little. My direct experience of disability was limited to deafness (rife in my family) and one girl with mobility difficulties at school, who didn't look particularly "different". There was also Joey Deacon on TV, who I do not mind admitting scared me a bit. We lived in a small village with a very un-diverse population - my experience of black people was about the same.

My dad then introduced me to a man he knew, who had no legs and used a wheelchair. I was frightened that I would be scared to look at him, but he really wasn't at all scary, and the fact that he had many, many pet animals (which I was allowed to visit) won me over.

threeOrangesocksmorgan · 09/09/2012 15:19

cheers so now my dd scares small children and some people have a phobia of people like her.
delightful!!

FiveOrangeFlowers · 09/09/2012 15:23

I don't know three. I have no idea what he was thinking, only that he told me he couldn't cope with people with disabilities. It didn't stop him staring though.

I wasn't making excuses for him, just that his disability wasn't obvious to people who don't know him well.

FiveOrangeFlowers · 09/09/2012 15:23

He has Aspergers three.

threeOrangesocksmorgan · 09/09/2012 15:24

sounds odd to me tbh, if you have a phobia of something you don't then stare at it.

TheSmallClanger · 09/09/2012 15:24

threeOrange, you need to log off now.

It's fine for you to be as prickly and unpleasant as you want, in the name of "reality", but when someone else posts their own "reality", which they are probably not proud of, that's not on and you throw a hissy fit.

Stop trundling round MN looking for stuff to be offended by.

threeOrangesocksmorgan · 09/09/2012 15:26

oh please you posted a really shit thing and then tell me that I am wrong.
why did you need to share that? did you think it would help the op to know her beautiful child scares small children!

FiveOrangeFlowers · 09/09/2012 15:26

Do you know anything about ASD three?

TheSmallClanger · 09/09/2012 15:26

oh and Mum, your daughter sounds utterly adorable from your description.

TheSmallClanger · 09/09/2012 15:27

But it's true.
And I got over it, as part of growing up.

Pagwatch · 09/09/2012 15:27

ThreeOrangesocksmorgan

My son with severe autism will sometimes stare if people have a physical disability. He as ery limited understanding and will occasionally worry that the person is in pain - 'he is 'oow' - and wants to help.
It is difficult. The Paralympics was a whole night of 'don't worry dS2 . He/she isn't feeling sore'

He wanted to go and rub Oscar. But tbh I was right with him on that one Grin

threeOrangesocksmorgan · 09/09/2012 15:27

FiveOrangeFlowers a but but obviously not much, that is why I asked.

TheSmallClanger · 09/09/2012 15:28

It was down to fear of the unknown, which we all experience.

KrispyCakehead · 09/09/2012 15:32

My SN DS DOES drool and gibber.. and I still think it's bloody unreasonable for people to stare.. He is gorgeous and cute despite the cp, drooling and gibbering and even if he looked farking awful (by other people's standards), I would still expect people not to gawp!!

AIBU I wonder? If so tough.. Because even after 12 years I don't rise about it.. I verbally put people in their places, sometimes loudly, whether they are children or adults.. but especially if they are adults!. And hopefully that particular person thinks twice before the gawp at the next SN person they encounter. And if not at least I got to vent...