AIBU if I ask you to STOP STARING!

[MumToADarlingGirl]

DD is 4 and has cerebral palsy. She doesn?t have leprosy or typhoid. She doesn?t sit there drooling and gibbering. She has blond hair and green eyes and is cute looking, but she cant walk or talk yet and when she gets excited her legs shoot out in front of her. She has 'normal' intelligence and is a sensitive child.......so OK she doesn?t behave quite like a ?normal? kid, but does than mean mums with children have to stand and stare until she?s passed them? A quick glance?OK?its normal to be interested, but prolonged staring FFS!!!

Are these pig ignorant women (never men) looking smugly at DD preening themselves that they?ve produced perfect children because they are so much cleverer than me (I did all the ?right? things btw)? Do they actually believe that having a birth injured child could never happen to them? Newsflash?IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE..so piss off with the staring and just thank god you were one of the lucky ones.

And if you think I?ve got a chip on my shoulder, you're right, the size of Mount Everest, and shoved there by the unthinking bloody ignorance of the starers!

NC. I might try that, but I am a very private person and like to stay in the background. Half of me wants to curl up and the other hit them in the face - even though I'm a pacifist!!!

It is the way to go...smiling and polite that is, not hitting them in the face. I just need to find a way to do it I guess

DOG. Children are the worse for staring! Really! But I don't mind in the slightest as their stares are just a natural curiosity and theyre only children. Its their mums that should know better.

I know how you feel OP...I am also shy and retiring...but you should try I think because that way your DD can pick up on it...and carry on with it as she grows.

I know there are horrible people in the world but i honestly honestly don't think ANY of them are judging you as a parent.

They might be feeling sorry for your DD or sorry for you, they're probably thinking how lucky they are if they have a non-disabled child, but maybe they're thinking that non of us know what the future holds for any of us regarding disability.
They might be thinking of the paralympians and thinking of how amazing so many of them were (I was in awe of the 100m relay runners with CP!).

DOG....You said pretty much the right thing. Stuff like, that little girls legs dont work as well as they should etc is fine by me. I'd much rather that than shushing them away in an embarrassed manner

And a nice smile to me to finish it off

Not exactly the same, but DD lost her hair when she was undergoing chemo and radiotherapy.

When I see a little bald head, I do look - and I want to talk to the mum or dad and ask questions and sympathise and show photos of my LO without hair. But I don't want to intrude so I don't. But I do look.

I'd probably look at your DD too OP as she sounds very cute. I can see how it can be interpreted as rude though.

I once was wandering through town and saw a gorgeous little girl in a pushchair eating an apple with total enjoyment. I watched her, thinking I must give my DS an apple in his pushchair. The mum shouted at me for staring.....I felt awful. The girl had downs syndrome type appearance which I noticed when I was shouted at.

Please bear in mind...your kid might just be cute.

Thank you she is beautiful, and her hair is all curly too!

I am quite reassured by the comments here and will work on being less sensitive and develop some coping strategies which dont involve running over peoples feet

The paralympics have been great for opening peoples eyes to disabled people, who are just simply, people

Fiveorangeflowers....Hope your DD is doing well. Horrendous for you, but I know exactly what you mean about wanting to approach people who are in the same boat.

MumTo if you put the word 'human' in place of 'children' it'd still be a valid sentence. Adults are naturally curious too.

To be the receiver of a stare, especially when it happens a lot, must be wearing to say the least.

Unless you're used to working with people who are disfigured or disabled, you're naturally curious about the differences. It's difficult to deal with that curiosity. Some stare, others look away. It must also be hard to cope with people who won't look you in the eye, or avoid you completely. Which is worse?

Personally I can clock the difference and store it away. I don't quite ignore it, I fully intend to find out more if I become closer to the person because I'm curious, but I'm aware that staring or asking questions when you've just met is incredibly rude.

Some people aren't aware that they are staring, or that they are being watched. I think the best way to deal with this kind of thing is to have a prepared sentence handy, and to teach something to your child to use. You might think the onus isn't on you to do anything at all, but it could make for an easier life?

Mermaid. That must have been awful for you, but I think the mum must feel a lot like me, paranoid! Seriously, we just end up thin skinned for a while and maybe dont see kindness when it is meant.

Maybe I will just stop and ask people why they are staring and put them on the spot if its rudeness!

It's certainly possible that some people are staring at your DD because she is disabled and different. They are fuckwits who are not worth a moment's thought from you. However, you sound like you have a massive chip on your shoulder and are likely to be interpreting looks and attention from people as negative when in fact they are staring because they think your DD is incredibly cute/beautiful, or because they are looking at you and your DD and feeling, as you put it yourself, "interested and supportive".

You sound really angry and I can totally understand that and appreciate that you are venting the frustration and anger here. But please take on board that your feelings are probably colouring your perception of others' behaviour. Of course there are going to be ignorant twats out there, but please don't waste any time or energy thinking about them. Most mums are NOT, I don't think, looking smugly at you. I would think they are looking at you with admiration.

Boomer.. That is very interesting, and yes it is maybe worse to look away. I think it is also to do with the perfection that we see portrayed in magazines and the media. All airbrushed and perfect. Maybe disfigurement or differences are just not tolerated.

Mind you in the old days children like DD would have been put in an institution at birth and kept out of sight! Saying that it is usually the old ladies who are the sweetest and kindest. They do get the nicest smiles from DD!

Golden, I am sure you are right and I am not keeping it in proportion. Yes there are the shitty starers but I am sure the majority are not, but as you say thinking DD is a cutie. I am wasting tons of energy on them and sometimes think its not worth going out in public at all (I force myself though)

Just wish I had harry potters cloak of invisibility sometimes

Hester................Think I will do just that

Both my children have a disability. DS 12 has CP and currently is able to walk with sticks and DD 3 has scoliosis and it's very apparent. We get lots of stares and comments most often from children. I used to take it badly when DS was younger but now I just smile at them and they either look away embarrassed or they ask questions (which I don't mind).

Children are obviously naturally curious and often ask some of the funniest questions which more often than not make us laugh and the adults who are doing it usually just have no experience of being around somebody with a disability. It's human nature to be curious and you're better off just explaining about the disability and not treating it as anything out of the ordinary.

Start learnign to just brush all the stares off, just smile back happily and carry on with your day. Neother you or your child have anything to be embarrassed about!