AIBU if I ask you to STOP STARING!

[MumToADarlingGirl]

DD is 4 and has cerebral palsy. She doesn?t have leprosy or typhoid. She doesn?t sit there drooling and gibbering. She has blond hair and green eyes and is cute looking, but she cant walk or talk yet and when she gets excited her legs shoot out in front of her. She has 'normal' intelligence and is a sensitive child.......so OK she doesn?t behave quite like a ?normal? kid, but does than mean mums with children have to stand and stare until she?s passed them? A quick glance?OK?its normal to be interested, but prolonged staring FFS!!!

Are these pig ignorant women (never men) looking smugly at DD preening themselves that they?ve produced perfect children because they are so much cleverer than me (I did all the ?right? things btw)? Do they actually believe that having a birth injured child could never happen to them? Newsflash?IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE..so piss off with the staring and just thank god you were one of the lucky ones.

And if you think I?ve got a chip on my shoulder, you're right, the size of Mount Everest, and shoved there by the unthinking bloody ignorance of the starers!

Yanbu ds2 has a birth mark on his cheek, when he was new born a women actually poked her head into his pram and said eww what's wrong with his face

He's 9 now and people tend to ask If it's eczema. He could have it removed but when ever ive asked he says no, he likes it

Please don't let the staring put you off going out, I'm sure most of the stares are people thinking how lovely she is

Moomins good on you for asking and giving choice!

He sometimes moans to me about other children asking what's on his face, so he knows if he ever wanted it removed it could be.

I'm not sure what type of bm it is, it's sort of spotty looking but the same colour as his skin. He hasn't seen a doctor about it since he was a baby and we decided to wait until he was old enough to choose himself.

My mum is a wheelchair user due to physical problems, but finds that a lot of people talk over her to my Dad, her carer/pusher. Waiters, shop assistants, general people in the street. She has perfected the tone of her ascerbic comeback "my legs may not work so well, but the brain is fine, thank you".

However she is lovely with staring kids, smiles and chats, and has several young ones on her street currently convinced that she is a secret super hero whose chair is a rocket (she has go faster stripes on the side and dyes her hair red. She is 73 )

OP do NOT let ignorant starers stop you and your lovely DD getting out and enjoying life.

A little different, I know, but I was in a shop a couple of years ago when a woman came in and stood opposite me.

She had a headscarf on. It was a beautiful headscarf, it looked handmade, was a glorious turquoise colour and had the most intricately detailed pattern on it. Before I'd even registered what was happening, an older woman started shouting and screaming at me, pointing her finger in my face. She was furious at me staring at her daughter and "had I never seen anyone with cancer before"

I was gutted. I hadn't meant to cause offense, I hadn't even made a connection with cancer, I was just captivated by the beautiful detail on the woman's headscarf.

I stood opening and closing my mouth like a bloody fish because I just didn't know what to say. The older woman finished her rant and I sloped off

Op, YANBU, it is incredibly rude to stare and I'm sorry you have been hurt by it. Please always keep in mind that it may not be for negative reasons, though and your dd sounds utterly gorgeous.

OP - you are so not being unreasonable! And yes, people do stare: One of my DB's is severely developmentally delayed (chromosomal abnormality) and he/we get stared at a lot. My dad is brain damaged and looks it. Ditto. On the other hand (this sounds weird, but I have a point...) my other brother and I are quite nice looking and get stared at for different reasons - makes me realize how shallow people are. It really is odd, the different reactions I get, depending on which brother I'm out with....

I got caught staring (and eavesdropping ) at a girl who had the same eye defect I had as a child. Her mum was fretting to a friend about surgery she needed to decide whether she should have. Am such a busy-body I butted in and said "sorry to butt in, but I have had that surgery, so if you ever want the adult, years later side of the story then I am happy to chat".

Anyway, years later, the mum and I get on really well and the mum is now the childminder to my children!

Which is just to say that not all staring is smug. But I am sorry if it is distressing you or your child.

Op kill them with kindness, it is bloody rude to stare but if you give them a big (fake) smile followed by mornin, lovely day type comment they will either say ooh what lovely hair or whatever your dd has or they will be ashamed at being such rude gits.

People stare at anything different, it's a fact of life. People have started staring at me now that I have a little baby bump, something I'd forgotten from when I was pg with DS. I keep thinking "Do I have jam on my face?" then remembering the bump. I don't pay much attention to how I look and I'm no looker so being looked at is weird for me and makes me feel self conscious. People just notice something different, their eyes are drawn and then they distracted or interested and stare without realising. It's annoying but not meant to be rude, most of the time.

I used to work in a special school and we would take our kids out for trips regularly. People stared all the time. Anyone who actually interacted with us was kind though.

IME of working with parents of children with disabilities I think it's very important for parents to try to let go of their anger and annoyance about things like this. Your feelings are totally understandable but as children get older they start to sense their parents' discomfort and start associating it with themselves. They start to think their presence is what's causing the problem, rather than other people IYSWIM. IME it's the parents who just have a "fuck it" attitude and who have genuinely stopped worrying about these smaller annoyances that give their children the greatest confidence. If a parent is going out defensive and angry it puts a child on edge and can sometimes lead to children not wanting to go out or developing a phobia of being stared at.

I'm not saying your should teach your DD that how she feels doesn't matter, or that if she does come across someone genuinely rude that she shouldn't stand up for herself. What I mean is, she needs to see the day to day staring as other people's problem so she can carry on with her life without worrying too much what other people think.

Everlong, please do look and smile, my DD says 'hello' to people we walk past and waves, but because she doesn't say it clearly and clearly has SN people look away and it's sad for her. I have to fight not to do that myself to other children though soi do understand.

Only once ever has someone spoken to Dd in a normal manner, in a cafe in holiday, DD was 'singing' away in a very loud tuneless manner and a lady said 'what a lovely song' and 'she is lovely' . I nearly cried.

She is 5 but looks older,but just starting to enjoy interacting with other people

yanbu
my dd is a teen and has cp. we have had years of her being stared at and it still makes my blood boil.
as for children. that really bugs me that their parents think it is ok.
it is rude,
a quick look fine, a full on stare is just rude and the parent should tell them they are rude.

Everlong, she is, people are missing out when they avert their eyes

YANBU

I haven't read all the thread (DC won't let me!) but my son was born with a huge bright red raised birthmark on his face which meant he couldn't open one of his eyes and nearly went blind :( people can be really ignorant and hurtful.
One lady excitedly asked to look into the pram and when she saw him said 'ergh!' and walked off!

I've never forgotten that.

I already have a DD and know that people just don't try and engage with him in the same way they did with her at his age and it makes me really sad as he is a loving, fun, wonderful child.

Luckily the birthmark has responded a little to medication and isn't raised any more but it's still there and people are still ignorant about it

FWIW I felt the way you do about people feeling smug about their 'perfect' offspring but on reflection I think it was me feeling a little bit jealous (that's really hard to admit) because I did everything right in my pregnancy but couldn't have prevented it. That doesn't mean I love him any less just that things would have been easier if he hadn't had the birthmark.

Oh and one lovely lady asked if I'd caused the birthmark because I'd drunk too much red wine while pregnant. no. I didn't drink at all.

Yanbu. In my old job we used to take the children out and about and we had a few of the maclaren major buggies. Lots of people used to stare but I do honestly think sometimes it was the buggy. Sometimes they would ask what type it was and where it was from etc and "iv never seen one like that, I didn't realise they made ones like that, how wonderful" etc.

We did used to come across people staring though and you never know the thoughts behind it but I can only imagine it can feel frustrating for parents and carers to experience. I must say though the response we got was always more positive than negative.

it is draining.
and tbh no way do I want to explain my dd's disability infront of her to some nosy child.
I now ignore it and if ds is with us he gives them a death glare.

They're not smug at all.

I look because I'm interested. You need to stop being so angry. It'd be worse if people purposely ignored her.

interested in what?

OP and others with similar circumstances, I can see how hurt you must feel by staring but I'm sure it's your daughter's cuteness that causes it.

Can someone explain to me what the most supportive way is to acknowledge people and their carers? In the circumstances you mention I try to catch eyes and smile at both child and the person with them, but I worry whether that can seem patronising in some way. Sometimes it's hard to know!

op, you might be mistaken in your assumption about their thoughts.

usually, if something is different, it catches your eye. then, the brain has to process what is different and why. by the time that happens, and you've realised there is a person with a disability, you are accused (openly or otherwise) of staring. not staring, just processing.

and no, mothers who see your child are not preening themselves because their children are perfect. they are struggling with the thoughts of how would they cope if the little person they love had extra challenges, and how does your child cope, how do you cope, and how can it be that even noticing a difference is considered wrong, and by now you are condemning them.

strangely enough, the rest of the world does not consider every person with a disability a freak-show.

do me a favour - actually tell your daughter that the attitude you are passing on to her - that everyone is 'staring' - is at least partly something that is happening in your mind, not their's. people might have more to compute when they meet a person with a different way of being, but it doesn't necessarily mean they aren't willing to be very positive about that.