AIBU if I ask you to STOP STARING!

[MumToADarlingGirl]

DD is 4 and has cerebral palsy. She doesn?t have leprosy or typhoid. She doesn?t sit there drooling and gibbering. She has blond hair and green eyes and is cute looking, but she cant walk or talk yet and when she gets excited her legs shoot out in front of her. She has 'normal' intelligence and is a sensitive child.......so OK she doesn?t behave quite like a ?normal? kid, but does than mean mums with children have to stand and stare until she?s passed them? A quick glance?OK?its normal to be interested, but prolonged staring FFS!!!

Are these pig ignorant women (never men) looking smugly at DD preening themselves that they?ve produced perfect children because they are so much cleverer than me (I did all the ?right? things btw)? Do they actually believe that having a birth injured child could never happen to them? Newsflash?IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE..so piss off with the staring and just thank god you were one of the lucky ones.

And if you think I?ve got a chip on my shoulder, you're right, the size of Mount Everest, and shoved there by the unthinking bloody ignorance of the starers!

I'd like to just add that I agree with what some of the other posters have said about maybe they're just staring because she's a beautiful child? I'm obviously biased in my opinion but my children are both very attractive looking and they often get stares and comments about how beautiful they are!! Perhaps you're just too defensive and taking it the wrong way.

I also have to agree that you do sound as though you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder! Enjoy your life and enjoy your child and sod anyone else!!

blueballoon. Thanks for the advice. I think you are so right, smiling happily and shrugging it off is the way to go. I did think of just being rude and snapping at the out and out starers, but I might be offending someone who is just curious and intrigued or even in the same boat.

I too don't mind children staring or asking questions, and I will try the 'smile in a friendly manner' technique.

I could see my world getting smaller and smaller because of the staring (and me avoiding it). Not wanting to go to cafes in case someone stared, but thats no good for either of us, so this has made me determined to stay in the everyday world

D0G I hope the mum heard that princess comment.

I think the posts on here today have helped me take that chip off my shoulder

OK if one or two people amongst a hundred are being crap human beings that should not be enough to crush me. I will think on that in future because thats whats important, lovely DD feeling and seeing me confident and outgoing, not creeping along as though I don't have a right to be in 'their' world.

Tomorrow is another day and I will put into practice some very good life lessons

I did get the princess comment

sometimes its hard not to project ones own perceptions of what people might be thinking into a person looking at your wonderful little girl because as a mum you sooooo desperately want to cocoon her from anything ( potentially) hurtful in life ............. thats what all we mums do !!!! It can be CP, behaviour that is different,, a limp, glasses, red hair, being overweight, a wheelchair etc etc etc. There will always be things some people will pick up on to look at or comment about !!!!

Even with loads of experience of being a mum / carer / friend of children / adults that might get "stares" that might be of a negative nature it really depends on the kinda mood one is in as to how one react s....... if I get anyone being realy rude with staring I have been known to rather loudly ask them if I should stop / turn / wait for them to have a really good look *eek. They tend to stop . Mostly I just try to ignore stuff as its just not worth getting stressed about especially if it will transfer to the child / person I am with ... the more positive I can remain I think the better imo. ( doesnt always work but I do try lol)

Having experienced people swear, shout and even tell me I should "keep that f*ing brat locked up, she shouldnt be allowed out" I guess I try not to waste my emotions on things that might just be my perception.

I do not have a birth child with a physical impairment but I am auntie / surrogate mum to several children / young people with various physical / intelligence difficulties as well as being a paid carer .... and certainly feel "protective" when with them when people are unkind.

however there are also very kind people out there too and I think its good to remember that ..... when I was struggling in the swimming pool last week to get A. onto the chair we use to get out. Several very kind people spotted it and offered to help which just topped off a wonderful session where people / children who had started off looking a bit at his appearance / behaviour responded to my smiles to them and they got chatting to us.

Please don't change your life or avoid situations just to stay away from the starers! Look them straight back in the eye and smile! I know it can be hard at first but after a while you don't really notice it so much.

The problem is that you're probably going out just waiting for someone to stare and believing it will happen. Just go about your normal day and forget about it!

oops I took such a long time to type I cross posted with loads people and you MTADG........... glad you are feeling better about it all now ......enjoy your lovley girl !

tazzle. omg I cant believe anyone said that 'b**t' comment to you, its from the 19th century!!!! If anyone said anything like that I really would lose it!!

You are right though, deep down I know most people would be helpful and understanding.

Like blueballonn so rightly points out, I am expecting it and acting accordingly! I'm certainly going to try to get a more positive attitude, I know its mostly down to my negativism. Not to DD but to society at large since I first noticed the staring. Maybe people would have stared anyway without the CP. Maybe people look at all toddlers and babies with interest! She's my first so I don't know!

Will give DD a special 'sleeping angel' kiss tonight, and just thank god she's here with me as she could easily not have been.

MumToADarlingGirl
I felt so sad after reading your post. It must be awful to feel that ppl are thinking negative things about your beautiful little girl.
Certainly it's considered rude to stare and some ppl are definitely rude and can be unkind in their thoughts.
I don't know whether this helps your view of things but when I took my DC swimming a few weeks ago I noticed a little boy having a swimming lesson. He seemed completely fearless and although he looked very young (maybe 4 ish) he was repeatedly leaping into the deep end of the pool from the edge and squealing with delight, really enjoying his lesson. The boy had Down's syndrome. I remember being really taken with him. Obviously I noticed he had SN and I remember wondering what that must feel like for his parents, but in the main I was thinking that he was very cute and wondered when my DC would be able to jump in and swim like that. I would imagine these thoughts all took some time, which might obviously be called staring.

MumTo

I was interested in what you said about the Paralympics, and I agree. So many people, so different to each other, just doing their thing (in their case, rather wel...) I hope it stops people staring at your daughter.

I also agree that sometimes people are thinking nice things, but a smile goes a long way.

I absolutely hate being stared at myself, or looked at up and down. Some people are so brazen about it

Thank you Mum, DD is just fine (20+ years on!)

When she was obviously ill (no hair) I didn't mind people looking and I would have welcomed questions and favourable comments. Actually, most people I talked to said they didn't notice or thought I'd had her hair cut short (it grew back fairly quickly and was short and spiky for some time).

You are so right about the paralympics. I think most peoples' views of less-abled people have been challenged and altered considerably. No-one but the hardest hearted person can fail to be inspired by those athletes.

I had my eyes opened when I worked with someone who used a wheelchair and she was registered blind. Children were virtually sat on her knee with staring at her but no adult intervention ever happened. Children are curious but all it needs is an adult to explain to them and to encourage them to talk to the person in the wheelchair. It really shouldn't be that difficult in this day and age. I found running people over was the way forward.,,,,,,,

I found myself 'staring' the other day at a little boy in a special needs buggy then realised his mother was staring daggers at me... I found myself saying 'That's a really lovely buggy, what is it?'
She stomped off obviously thinking I was taking the piss...

I really wasn't! My friend has a Maclaren Major and though it's fine for her needs this buggy was so much nicer and looked far comfier... I thought her little boy would have loved one because it was his favourite colour too. The little boy in the buggy had looked so happy and cosy even though he was quite big - he was also beautiful - huge brown eyes and serious face.

I almost wanted to run after this mum and explain, say sorry and then felt incredibly guilty. My own son has ASD and I was in a wheelchair for a few months due to illness last year so I have witnessed the stares first hand but it made me realise that sometimes people are genuine and actually on the same page as you, not against you.

YANBU!! I have a DD of 19 with severe CP - have spent 19 years teaching her to stick her Tongue out at starers lol. but I do also tell her it's cos she's so beautiful they stare - and she is.

What annoys me almost more is the parents that pull there children away - it's not catching!!

yanbu of course

I do wonder though if it's as she is nomal that they look to see whether she has sn or not - so they see a normal little girl but something makes her look different but they're not sure what? I don't know - obviously

sorry you're made to feel like this

Thanks MTADG ..... it kinda floored me too . All she had done was grab at his chips. . She did look a little "different" , kinda "wild eyed" maybe and this man was rather older ..... not so used to social inclusion I suppose.

Actually I just realised you said it belonged in the 19th century that remark but shocking though it seems people under 40 or so might not realise just how recent it was that people with quite mild conditions were housed in alylums .... in effect locked away out of sight of the general society ...... I am not "old" and I started out working in an asylum !!!!!

I have very very clear memories of people such as D who had just a form of dyslexia , J who was deaf and mute , D with mild learning difficulties and epilepsy ...... all people who would today all be supported in mainstream school. There were people there who had been the children born out of wedlock to women with mild LI but who were then so institutionalised they could not cope even in small group homes. Some people had complex physical and learning needs too though but not all presented behaviour that challenged safety of self or others.... although those that did were often drugged up. Staffing was abysmal with ratio one staff to 6 patients ( it was technically a hospital) so despite a lot of effort by many staff little was possile other than basic physical care.

BUt

It was in the 1970s and we were supporting people to move out of the huge asylums into smaller residential homes....... It was the start of "care in the community" and taking a step out of a rather dark place !

So really ..... its not 19th century sadly .... its within living memory that people with LD / LI were indeed locked away out of sight . Sometimes we do complain that society does not have a great acceptance of people with disabilities ........ but really in many ways there has been great changes.

That is not to say there is not a long way to go.... but definately it is better than it was 40 years ago !

Aw, D0G you are still sending a positve vibe into the world with your DC!

Raspberry I don't do hope you didn't hurt yourself!!

YABU to ask me to stop staring because I wouldn't think of it.

But

YA definitly NBU to tell people who stare to stop staring.

I am sorry that this happens, it is rude and pig ignorant. I don't really know the best way to handle it but I hope having a justified moan on MN helps a tiny bit. I hope it's just a few people and that most people behave in a more sensitive way. It would be an awful shame if it stopped you going out with you DD.

Yanbu - staring is rude and invasive whatever the reason.
I'm 7 months pg and being stated at constantly - they can all do one

YADNBU staring is rude and bad

but, what is ok to do?

I grin innanely at most people I see on the street and embarrass annoy my teenager by randomly talking to people, but often find myself doing the ignorant 'looking away' thing when I see disabled people as I so don't want them to feel stared at, but then feel stupid as I am treating them differently IYSWIM. Often I find myself grinning, realise I am grinning at them - as I normally would - and then look away awkwardly, so they won't feel as tho I am grinning at them 'cos they are disabled.

Sorry for general ignorance - what is the right thing to do, esp if younger chn are staring? Do I ask them (the children) 'what would you like to know about X'?

Don't stop going out with your dd or let a few starry people put you off enjoying things. They are probably just ignorant like me and don't know how to behave or what to do.

I often find myself vacantly staring at people (anyone really) for an extra few seconds and generally think things like ''oo nice blonde hair'' or ''I like the red top blue stripe combo'' etc. My thoughts are kind and I really find it hard not to look at people.