to expect not to split the dinner bill equally when Im not drinking?

[kristabelle]

On girls nights out AIBU to expect to not pay for alcohol when I have not been drinking? Don't want to appear cheap and I'm happy to split food bill equally, esp as I'm pregnant and not drinking. If I'm not being unreasonable then what's a polite way of saying I'm not paying!

OP to answer your particular question I'd say at the start 'can we keep drinks separate, I'm going to be on water / soft drinks again?'. That cannot offend, reminds people you have months of this (so it won't even out) by appealing to their sympathy and leaves it open to others to share the rest of the drinks bill if they like, after yours have been deducted. Drinks are always listed separately from food, so there'll be no difficulty practically with splitting the food total, then dealing with drinks.

I can't agree with GoldSienna.
I would always have an idea of how much I had spent (as someone else said, just round it up to full £ and keep track), and that's what I would expect to pay at the end of the night. What possible reason would there be for me to want to pay for someone's starter / pudding / wine / coffee, if I only had a main and 1 glass of something ? . In my book it's rude and cheapskate for anyone to go out and expect other people to subsidise their meal / drinking.

Then I don't see why you say you disagree with me.

I recommended getting your own bill, not paying for other people. Much more dignified not to get involved in the calculator frenzy at the end and the bleating about who had what.

i had to stop going out with people from work because of this. why should i pay for their bottles of wine?
own bill is better.

Yanbu at all! It's bloody rude for drinkers to expect the non-drinkers to split the bill

Hi everyone, thanks for the comments. Very interesting - esp the points made about being a veggie and also getting a raw deal - never thought of that before! As I said in my original point, I have no problem splitting the food bill equally and have never asked (nor would I) to split the bill depending on who had what. That I agree is embarassing, at least in the UK.

The problem has been it doesn't all even itself out in the end - if it did that would be okay and I'd be quite happy!

I go out with this group every month or two, generally I don't drink when out with them now as I live farther away than the rest so even when not pregnant have generally chosen to drive. I used to pick some of them up too and provide a taxi service. But I stopped doing this because some people in the group never took a turn at driving and coincidentally they were also the same ones who ordered bottle after bottle of wine and then were happy to split the bill and not say a word. Sounds a bit like what Delia McNab experienced...

In the past I have politely waited for someone (one of the drinkers) to say "you should pay less because you didn't drink" and then graciously accept their offer. But this doesn't always happen and I am too embarassed by then to speak up (and of course by this point the drinkers usually don't give a toss anyway!). In the end I usually leave feeling resentful and like they have taken the pis$, to the point where I think why am I doing this?

Alternatively, might be time to just get myself a new group of friends!!

Can you not just say to them at the start of the evening (when they are all sober) "Listen guys, as I'm not having any alcohol, and you will no doubt be having several, I'm just going to put in for what I've spent at the end. Everyone OK with that?" and I can't see anyone saying no. Just state it as a fact.

IT's fine to do this as long as you arrange it beforehand, ie don't just wait for the bill to arrive and say "Oh but, I'm not drinking..."

I don't think YABU, also you prob need to save some money with being pregnant. I wouldn't let you pay the same anyway tbh, unless its a big group then it gets hard.

I remember being a 6th former and tagging along at my bet friends big sister's hen night.

We were beside ourselves with excitement as we were going to Big Exciting London! Meal first then pub crawl.

Being properly skint and having paid for our train fare we picked the cheapest meal from the menu and ordered coke (which we fortified with vodka in the ladies).

Imagine our teenage horror when they split the bill evenly, we were so stunned that we paid up, leaving us with a few quid between us. Best friends mum felt our pain and subbed us so still had an awesome night, but I taught me to be mindful of others when the bill is presented :)

I must admit that I'm not really aware of what other people are eating and drinking, not to the extent of making comparative valuations :o

Op yanbu and I hope I'm always careful about this when I'm out in a group and drinking. It's easy to go through bottles of wine in a way people don't with lemonade :o as a veegi I don't feel my meals are usually much cheaper though, maybe its just the sorts of places I eat.

YANBU.

Restaurant bills are simple- if you have decent friends.

I just look at the bill, I mentally add up what I had, what husband had, etc, and place it in the pot plus a bit. So does everyone else. And it's all perfect.

No napkins or confrontations.

Get decent friends, all of you! Decent friends don't forget they had pudding or 3 mango J20s.

Yes Jessie, I'm beginning to think that might be part of the problem! I suppose, as you can probably gather, it is something that causes me a bit of worry as I don't want to appear anti-social but don't want to be embarrased either, nor pay for my "friends" to get sloshed when it's not reciprocated!

OMG, I cannot believe that this has come up! If you go out with a group of friends the bill gets split. If you chose not to drink or to have the cheapest thing on the menu then that's up to you.

More problems are caused by dividing it all up and calculating exactly what everyone has had, sooooo petty!!

Everytime we go out as a big group the bill is split, the only time I have ever been in a party that wanted everything split was when I was down south and it cause MAJOR problems and put a dampner on the whole evening.

But it puts a dampener on your evening when you scrape together enough for a night out on a budget, carefully eat and drink what you can afford and then are landed with a bill for a lot more.

what stealthpolarbear said

Sorry but you just have to suck it up Im afraid!

Dont be so mad - why on earth should you? What rule book is this coming from then pink?

Completely disagree with you nearly - its not petty at all, especially in this day and age when budgets are stretched to the limit for some people. Why should you pay for someone elses alcohol?!!

If people choose the cheapest item on the menu it may be because they cant afford something more expensive - why shoudl you pay for someone elses more expensive choice? Should less well off people not socialise then

Its usually people who dont have to worry about their finances that dont see anything wrong with splitting.

Splitting only really works fairly if everyone has similar finances, I think.

See I find this really interesting.
I prefer it when the bill is split.
Usually because I am on the one who has wine, a diet coke along side, the nice steak and chips, a coffee or two etc..

I do not want, or expect others to pay for me and so say my general statement is 'well I plan to have a blowout tonight Ladies so lets all do our own so you're paying for me' type of statement.

It is rarely the case that I've spent the most, and it never the case that one or two friends/acquaintances aren't grateful that I've said it.

People who think that people who do this should think twice, and also think about how they would like it if they simply didn't have the cash.

So no couthy it is not at all bad form.

DamnBamboo that makes no sense. If you eat and drink the most then they are subsidising you

I don't always insist the bill is separated. Even if I'm not drinking I tend to not mind paying more - as others say it's usually a pound or two and if I'm out with friends I genunely don't mind if by the end of the night it works out that I've bought them half a drink! That's because my friends are lovely and don't take the piss. But if I am one of the big eaters / drinkers then I try to make sure that the subject of what is happening to the bill re non-drinkers or the person who just had a main course when the rest of us had 3 courses is raised. Because it riuns my night if I feel others have paid for me (unless they offered to begin with of course :o)
So I'm not saying every night out has to end in pencils and calculators. But unless most peple have eaten about the same, then someone will lose out financially. It may be no big deal to them, but it might be - it might be the difference between them coming along and having to refuse the next time you have a night out with them. And it's on;y fair to make sure they're happy with splitting the bill. Since most people politely say it's OK, the only way to do it is to insist that the bill is either split unequally, or that everyone pays their own.

ah just re-read and I think it makes sense - you don't mean "split equally", and hopefully you missed a "not" out of what you say to your friends :o
Yes, I completely agree. There's nothing worse than wanting to order another bottle of wine but feeling like you're putting upon others.
(I am not coming across well AT ALL on this thread. Can I just point out that I go out so infrequently that every night out is a big one for me :o)

not paying for me that should have said

:-)