Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect not to split the dinner bill equally when Im not drinking?

173 replies

kristabelle · 07/09/2012 16:05

On girls nights out AIBU to expect to not pay for alcohol when I have not been drinking? Don't want to appear cheap and I'm happy to split food bill equally, esp as I'm pregnant and not drinking. If I'm not being unreasonable then what's a polite way of saying I'm not paying!

OP posts:
SilkInsideAChestnutShell · 07/09/2012 18:31

I take it as the cost for a night out rather than how much food I've eaten. I'm pg and not drinking, but non-alcoholic cocktails aren't cheap and I have pudding!
Depends on the friends though too - would they split it equally if they were the non-drinkers that evening?

AvonCallingBarksdale · 07/09/2012 18:31

spoonsspoonsspoons - hadn't thought of it like that! Just feels very painful and cheap to watch someone painstakingly working out exactly how much they owe on the occasions when they're confident they've spent less. I'm pretty sure it does balance out enough for it not to be an issue, but I could be wrong.

MadBanners · 07/09/2012 18:31

Why is the polite thing to do to have to put up with always paying more, so the people you are with effectively pay less....the polite thing to do is to have some awareness that if you have drank alcohol, or had a starter/pudding when others have not, then you should put in a little more, not play dumb at the time for the bill and suggest splitting it... when I have been out it is always the ones who had the most expensive meal, or had a pudding when others did not that want to split..now that is rude, not piping up and saying you will pay for what you have had.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 07/09/2012 18:31

^^ I'm talking about my friend there, not anyone on the thread!!

Dontbugmemalone · 07/09/2012 18:40

YANBU. I've only had experience of group dining where everyone pays individually. Far less hassle IMO. I usually round up the amount of my food and drink and split the tip. Unless it's my BF then we normally argue who's going to pay because we both want to Grin

MousyMouse · 07/09/2012 18:45

I would go and pay my part at the till.
but I do say that to the group before so they know beforehand.

DeliaMcNab · 07/09/2012 18:52

The problem is that if you are a non-drinker it isn't all swings and roundabouts - it doesn't work out in the end.

I agree that yes it does look bad to complain about paying extra. I quite strongly feel that therefore the onus is on the drinkers to offer that the non drinkers pay less (as appropriate).

My friends know I don't drink. They are lovely women and always make sure I'm not out of pocket. They profit from lifts home as I'm usually driving so it's all good.

However I went out a few times with a group of women from a group I used to take my children to. The first time we went out my meal came to £15 including soft drinks. They split the bill evenly (even though some of them had steak or scallops). I ended up paying over £30 not including tip.

I was seriously peeved but paid up politely, thinking it was a one off. I also went out of my way to run three of the women home.

Next time I went out with them the same thing happened. After that I was always 'busy' on their nights out. For those who say a few quid is worth it for friendship sake, well no it wasn't. People who I want to be friends with are considerate enough not to take the piss and have me subsidise their drinking (and perform a taxi service).

Work nights out can be deadly. I was on one where some guys were being very macho about the size of their wallets and ordered expensive wine, brandy etc. When they split the bill the girl opposite me (dept PA) quietly handed over her share and said nothing but she was white as a sheet. I caught up with her leaving and offered her a lift home. Just as well she was about to start walking home (at 1am) as they'd effectively spent her taxi money on their brandies. She lived quite a way outside the city centre - it would have taken her hours to walk through some dodgy areas.

HoratiaWinwood · 07/09/2012 18:53

I don't get the logic in the person wanting to work out and pay only their own share being the cheapskate. Surely the people who want to split the bill equally despite owing more are the cheapskates?

That was my point really. It should be the person least likely to benefit who proposes it - for splitting, that's the pregnant veggie; for paying separately it's the steak-eating pisshead.

But it more often happens with work dos that the office junior subsidises the boss because she doesn't have the confidence to say "fuck off - my pizza and half a bottle of house plonk is not equivalent to your steak, pudding and five boutique beers".

Kabooooom · 07/09/2012 18:53

Got to love it when you are called a cheapskate for not wanting to split the bill, when you have barely had anywhere near the amount others have. They are the cheapskates as they expect others to pay for them to be greedy/get drunk.

And no, the OP shouldn't just have to suck it up and get over it Hmm IMO, she has very rude and cheap friends who expected a woman who has a baby on the way, to pay so much so they were allowed to drink more. Selfish, that's what it is.

Me and my friends order and pay for our own food at the same time and take it in turns to buy rounds, or buy our own drinks if we don't have much money and hey, even buy our friends a drink or two if we know they are struggling. THAT is what friends do. And TBH, I don't think much of anyone who would look down their noses at those who can't and shouldn't have to afford their drinking session. Get over yourself and fund it yourself!!

AvonCallingBarksdale · 07/09/2012 18:54

I think that's it, Mousy I do say that to the group before so they know beforehand. As long as everyone knows what the score is, then there shouldn't be a problem. My situation is opposite to Dontbugmemalone, my group dining experience is nearly always an equal bill split, so I'd think it was strange to do it individually!

lottiegarbanzo · 07/09/2012 19:03

I think it's really important to remember that you can ask the restaurant to present your bills however you like - individually, in pairs, drinks separate, whatever you like. Best to ask at the start, makes it easier for them and clear to your companions.

It is so irritating that, when people want to pay separately, they all attempt the calculations themselves (and often struggle). It is the restaurant's job to do this for you, if you've asked, not to presume you'll pay as a group.

3monkeys3 · 07/09/2012 19:15

I think this really depends on the group. The story above where a load of blokes ordered really expensive things and then made a lower salaried colleague pay an equal share is an example of when people should definitely pay for what they had. However, in a group of friends I think it is silly to quibble over money - I am definitely the poorest of my group of friends, but I would never try and pay less than them, even when I was pregnant (and I have been pregnant the most times too). I would feel quite awkward if someone I was out with started picking the bill apart - it's just not the done thing and generosity is good for the soul, even if it's a stretch.

holyfishnets · 07/09/2012 19:23

Just text a few before hand ''looking forward to tomorrow night. Be great to have a chin wag. I'm going to pay seperatly as I can't drink and need to save pennies for maternity leave''

CakeMeIAmYours · 07/09/2012 19:28

Technically, YANBU. However, you will go down in everyone's memory as being 'tight'.

IMHO, if you cannot afford to go, split the bill evenly and not mind 'subsidising' people who drink then just don't go. Unless this is happening all the time, even when you are not pg - that would be different.

Just out of interest, how do you feel when people come to your house and you give them food/drink/booze? They are consuming something you have paid for (so no different to the restaurant scenario) but I bet you wouldn't bat an eyelid.

spoonsspoonsspoons · 07/09/2012 19:30

People coming to my house are drinking wine that's £3.50 a bottle not £3.50 a glass Grin

DeliaMcNab · 07/09/2012 19:33

Cake ah but that is different - in that scenario I'm host and it's my choice to feed and water everyone.

I don't choose to go to a restaurant and say 'don't worry lafies, drink up I don't mind about the 30% uplift on my bill cos I luffs you'.

CakeMeIAmYours · 07/09/2012 19:37
Smile

I just think the restaurant bill quibbling is so awkward and I feel really embarrassed on behalf of the quibble-ee.

Since you are seeking opinions, OP, I don't think this really applies to you, but the uber brazen ones are just awful. Hide of a rhino, and seem oblivious to the rest of the table cringing as their overdeveloped sense of 'fairness' tramples all over what was a lovely evening.

As a pp said, don't be that person. Pony up, or stay at home.

Noqontrol · 07/09/2012 19:39

I wouldn't expect to split it if someone wasn't drinking. I usually drink when i'm out, but i'd feel guilty if someone had to pay towards that.

CakeMeIAmYours · 07/09/2012 19:39

oh, x post there

Actually, I do think that by accepting the invitation, you are impliedly agreeing to split the cost of the evening.

Just my opinion though.

qazxc · 07/09/2012 19:43

this annoys me too. i don't drink and my mates are rather big drinkers and not the house stuff either. along with the pre dinner drink and the brandy at the end it does add quite a lot to my share of the bill ( I'll generally have a tonic water in the predinner round and then stick to tap water). I just grit my teeth though as i don't want to look like a cheapskate.

spoonsspoonsspoons · 07/09/2012 19:43

I'd be horrified if any of my friends stayed at home because the alternative was offering to pay their way only and I don't think accepting an invite to a meal out is in anyway agreeing to share costs equally.

I really don't get it

If you want to pay for what you've consumed only you are tight
If you're happy to sit back and let everyone else pay for what you've eaten you've got good manners?!

maybenow · 07/09/2012 19:46

YABU to 'expect' anything - misunderstanding and resentment comes from expecting something and not saying it.

If you don't want to split the bill and don't know the group well enough to know what they would usually do, then just say when you arrive that since you're not drinking is it ok if you all just pay for your own at the end...

Kabooooom · 07/09/2012 19:49

Exactly spoons. It is a selfish attitude. How dare anyone go out if they can't afford to subsidize others getting drunk Hmm.

I wouldn't be calling them friends tbh.

Me and my friends (shock horror) pay for a friend a meal or drinks so that they can come out. I have been known to shove a few bob in my friends pocket beforehand so others don't have to know they can only afford half a coke. My friend has also been known to do it for me when I have been skint. I didn't realise we were doing it so wrong...

bigmouthstrikesagain · 07/09/2012 19:51

Go to a BYOB restaurant - problem solved (well it works for me) Smile

MummytoKatie · 07/09/2012 20:01

I find this really weird. Me and my friends don't have this problem. We always split the bill then adjust a bit so the non-drinkers / no pudders pay less and the rest pay more. (In fact what generally happens is everyone puts in slightly more than they should and we then have hysterics trying to give each other the money back.

I didn't drink for 3 years (pg then extended breastfeeding). I never felt I was paying for my friends alcohol. I just had pudding instead!

Swipe left for the next trending thread