Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect not to split the dinner bill equally when Im not drinking?

173 replies

kristabelle · 07/09/2012 16:05

On girls nights out AIBU to expect to not pay for alcohol when I have not been drinking? Don't want to appear cheap and I'm happy to split food bill equally, esp as I'm pregnant and not drinking. If I'm not being unreasonable then what's a polite way of saying I'm not paying!

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 07/09/2012 23:42

It's not ignorance at all. Squeamish is a good way of describing what it's like when a bill comes and it's all counted out for people. Just horrible and uncomfortable and you cant wait for it to be over.

It's not ignorance at all. If someone is on a low budget, they are free to get a separate bill just for themselves.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 07/09/2012 23:45

NC if people have worked out what they can afford and only consumed that and them paid for it there wouldn't be any extra to cover.

That's pretty much the point.

BackforGood · 07/09/2012 23:54

This oft asked question has a lot of "depends" attached to it.

  • how often does is happen... a monthly thing is going to add up whereas you might be able to shrug off an annual thing
  • if we're talking about one person's individual bill being £9 and them being asked to put in £25, or if it's the difference of a couple of ££
  • how big the group is... pretty easy to check out the individuals with 4 people, a lot harder to get things to balance if there are 20
  • what your relationship with the people are
  • what the 'custom' of the group is, and that people know what you are doing before you start ordering (or even before committing to going)
  • if it balances out over the times you go out
  • if people have similar 'spending money' for the week/month or either very different incomes or commitments from their income

There's no right or wrong answer. The important thing is that everyone is happy, or it ruins the evening.

NCForNow · 07/09/2012 23:57

Ilovemydog no it is not. The point is that some people don't want others to work out what they owe individually because it makes them "squeamish"...so they want to split it all into equal shares...which is only fine if your budget is reasonable.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/09/2012 00:06

Which is only fine if your budget is reasonable

Or, if the person or people who are on a smaller budget ask for a separate bill.

It's an easy solution! I have no idea why people make this so hard on themselves and everyone else at the table.

BackforGood · 08/09/2012 00:21

Because, unless somebody says before anyone orders anything "Is everyone OK with us splitting the bill 10 ways at the end?", then people might just be expecting to put in what they have spent. If it's said, then fine, anyone who doesn't want to can ask for a sep bill, but often in a group it's not sorted out before ordering.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/09/2012 00:26

I agree it should be sorted out before ordering, but apparantly that can be embarrassing for some people becaus Ethan they have to be the lone voice amongst nine others who are agreeing that has to say that no, they want to be separate.

Whereas if someone that wants to stick to a budget just has a quiet word with the waiter and asks for a separate bill, it's more discrete.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/09/2012 00:26

Ethan? Because then!

NCForNow · 08/09/2012 00:27

freddos you assume that it is only the person or persons on smaller budgets who ought to speak up...and ask for a separate bill....rather than as Bckforgood says, other people say "Shall we split the bill?"

Kabooooom · 08/09/2012 00:31

It may be an easy solution, but that is not what many people are making out on this thread. There has been posts about not splitting the bill causing quibbles, therefore making you unreasonable and a "cheapskate". Some have even said to not even go out unless you can afford to split the bill.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/09/2012 00:31

Well, yes. How is anyone else supposed to guess the one particular person that will want a separate bill when others are happy to split? Lots of people are, and lots of people aren't.

BackforGood · 08/09/2012 00:39

Quite, so the obvious thing (to me, anyway) is to ask at the beginning (or, as I say, even before the do is arranged) "What does everybody want to do about paying - shall we just split bill evenly or does everyone want to keep track of what they've bought and put in accordingly?", then everyone gets a say and can go with the majority, or, if one person doesn't want to, then, as you suggest, they can get a sep bill.

Kayano · 08/09/2012 00:40

I always just split it to save time and effort lol

I remember once we took bil, sil, and their two kids Out to the cinema once and then went for food which we split down the middle (ie we Paid all the cinema
Tickets and then half the meal so fed one of their kids)

Sil (soon to be ex sil thank fuck for that) then said DH's starter was
More
Expensive and demanded 50p!!!!

I was like Shock cheeky fucking bitch!!!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/09/2012 00:46

But then you have to keep track of exactly what you have, how many top ups of wine you have and how full your glass is when you were offered a top up. And it would be virtually impossible for someone like me I swear I have dyscalculia who can't remember a number for ten minutes, let alone a couple of hours and do some adding up as well. So you would still end up with the horribleness that is adding up numbers from the bill and everyone checking how much their starter was and then checking how much each had to ensure there was enough.

Kabooooom · 08/09/2012 01:27

Well, that is the point isn't it. If you are close enough friends, you should know if said friend was having financial troubles. Or, if they were pregnant, you would automatically know that if they are on water/half a coke that they wouldn't be having as much as you, therefore they shouldn't share equally the bill. It is common sense really, and common decency rather than expecting them to pay for your drinks.

missingmumxox · 08/09/2012 01:48

I must be a strange, I normally go for the straight spliting of the bill but really don't have a problem if someone asked to just pay their bit as on occations in my life that is what I had to do when money was tight but say I really wanted to say goodbye to someone at their leaving do or whatever, I would always tell the waitperson as I ordered I needed a separate bill and walk to the bar for my drinks and pay up front, noone ever made me feel bad about this and i have never thought anything about others doing it.
but it does annoy me when the person leaves it until the end to start saying "oh I didn't have a starter or pudding and only 1 glass of wine" those people I want to poke the eyes out of!
even when skint, I would for my driver buy a couple of soft drinks, or if they where as poor as me a pudding but that was personal choice by me.

I tend to think with good friends cost will work themselves out in the wash, so the odd £5 here and there is not an issue unless on a tight budget, and a good friend will understand if you are not a pain about it,

have a lovely night

ravenAK · 08/09/2012 01:55

I just round up everything I have (so if I have a £4.50 starter I think 'fiver'), & at the end of the meal, I put down the appropriate amount, with the rounding ups being the tip.

So I'll say 'here's £30 for mine' knowing that my food & drink was £25ish.

If anyone else wants to fossick about totting everything up, they are very welcome to do so, but I certainly cba.

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 08/09/2012 02:04

If you are the person who not only doesn't drink, but also eats less courses every time, then it won't 'balance out' in the end.

I have a small appetite, and can't drink more than 1 glass because of my medication. I am also rather poor. Is it really seen in such bad taste to want to pay for what you have eaten and drunk, rather than a bit of everyone else's too? If everyone else has had at least 3 glasses to my tap water, and they have had a starter and pudding when I've only eaten a Main, why should I have to subsidise them?

Is it really seen as that rude? Genuine question btw, as I've always paid for my own, except at the school mum's meals, when we all put in for the food but pay for drinks individually.

goldsienna · 08/09/2012 02:52

It is rude if you disrupt the end of the meal by quibbling over who had what.

It is not rude if you arrange upfront with the restaurant staff to order and pay separately.

missingmumxox · 08/09/2012 02:53

couthy not rude , I never have a problem with people asking for their bill to be separate and nor do any of my friends, so long as it is made clear by them before, make life easier, especialy if the waiter/ress does you a separate bill.
it is rude to start arguing over 50p cos you had the pate and george had scampi. he had a bottle of red wine at £12 and you had 3 colas which cost £7.50
compared to lucy who had water.
that is when it gets ugly.

iscream · 08/09/2012 03:02

No way would I pay a portion for everyone's drinks. Why should I?

Tell the waitress you want a separate bill after your meal. You can pay and give her a tip that covers your meal/coffee whatever. Anyone who thinks you are cheap because you don't want to pay for their alcohol can lump it. You are not being cheap at all.

missingmumxox · 08/09/2012 03:08

well said iscream

mum11970 · 08/09/2012 03:22

When I go out as a group of girls we pay indidually for what we eat and drink (as i know some are not big drinkers or on a tight budget). To be honest I'm not sure what way we share it, if it's in couples as, usually, the hd's that go and tally up at the end of the night.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 08/09/2012 05:22

I love living in Canada. The waitresses here ask when you order who is paying with whom. So DH and I say we have a bill together and it arrives at the end of the meal. How civilized.

Bertrude · 08/09/2012 05:35

I think it's important to set it straight at the start of the night. I've been out with people who when they assume the bill is being split, order a bottle of wine, fillet steak, and starter and pud, whereas the next time when someone asks for separate bills they'll have pasta, glass of wine, and either starter or pud.

I also think it depends on who you're out with and how often you do it. With one roup of mates we eat out weekly, with at least 4 of a group of 10 of us, numbers differing each week depending on who's been paid or who is cheating on us out with other mates. We are all of the opinion that it'll work itself out overall. Tere were 5 of us last week, so the two couples split the bill and the girl wo was out without husband and had one drink whereas we had 2 bottles of wine bought the drinks in the bar afterwards. It's never exactly right, but it's always thereabouts.