Mil angst

[TooMuchRuddyChocolate]

I am fully prepared to admit that iabu if that's what the majority think. Have name changed for this as super sensitive.

My mil drives me bonkers. We got on fine until dh and I got married. We still "get on fine" - she has NO idea that she annoys me. But since I became her daughter in law there are few boundaries and she sees me as being part of her immediate family. Which I can see is lovely, but I am way more reserved than her and we've only ever met about a dozen times do it feels weird.

Three examples of things that irritate me to distraction.

1. She says "I'll come and stay in [month]. Let me know which weekend is best." Not "I'd love to see you, can I come and visit" Just this assumption that she can come whenever she likes for as long as she likes. It's so rude! None of my family would do this.

1. I have a baby. Last time she saw him she spent the entire visit trying to get her to sit on her lap. It was ALL about my mil's feelings. If she'd been patient, dd would happily have gone to her. But she kept pushing it when dd was hungry and that wasn't going to work (she's bf!).

1. She will buy dd a chocolate advent calendar. This annoys me because a) SHE'S A BABY b) I want to buy my daughter her first advent calendar c) she has completely different tastes/ideas to me - the advent calendar doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it's indicative of a wider problem. (think cutesy teddy outfits made of polyester etc. I know I'm ungrateful, but eurgh)

Ok. Hit me. Out and out unreasonable or does anyone sympathise?

Nokidshere - have you read my op? It's not all about gifts. That was a small example. I actually said that she DOESN'T buy masses of things.

Sorry to be crotchety, but your post was a bit annoying. You'll also see that we have been honest with her in the past about unwanted big gifts.

That's harsh. There was nothing annoying about that post!

well...it was about advent calanders, and a pram, and unsuitable gifts for other gc.... so presumably if you haven't asked her not to do these things then she will carry on doing them - in which case you need to have a proper conversation with her.

and it was about her being over friendly with you and her dc and your home, I mean, wanting to see you as part of her immediate family?? - I can see how awful that must be for you......

and it was about her doing what other people are doing (ie taking her immediately they come in the house etc....) but when she does it its with ulterior motives and when your friends do it its fine......obviously I can see how upsetting that is for you....

and it was about you thinking she is overstepping the mark but obviously being unable to cope with having an adult conversation with her about your feelings..........hmmmm

and yes - I have been described as annoying before :) its because I am such a reasonable person who much prefers to be grateful for the good things in my life rather than the petty nonsense stuff :)

Your MIL has damaged the relationship by what she chose to do right after you had your baby.

Seriously? You would hold a grudge and ruin a lifetime of good relationships for something that happened when the baby was born?

No wonder there is so much angst between MIL's and DIL's

There is a lot of angst caused by MILs who force themselves into the homes of new parents to stay and 'help' for a few days when they've been told they're not wanted. It's the most emotional, hormone filled, vunerable point of most women's lives. It's a time you never get back and interference at that time can lead to PND and stop people establishing BF.

I had no-one in my home for 6 weeks after the birth of my firstborn. I made it absolutely clear that anyone coming to see us would be turned away.

And if anyone knocked I simply didn't open the door. Whats hard about that?

Well done for being assertive and obviously having the support of your partner. Not everyone is. The OP said she told her MIL that she didn't want her to come and stay straight after the baby was born but the woman just came anyway.

Nokidshere - it's not a grudge. I'm trying to get over it. But it did damage my relationship with her. I am being unreasonable to get annoyed over the petty stuff. Bottom line is she was very insensitive at a vulnerable time for me and really did spoil that first week with my baby. I've struggled to like her ever since. I'm not proud of how I feel. And I know it's up to me to see the positive side to her behaviour.

But I have to be SO forceful as she doesn't understand subtle at all. I did explicitly tell her that I didn't want overnight visitors in dd's first few weeks. I told her this before dd was born. She just insisted she would come. No room for compromise. I was happy for her to come and visit of course, just not to host her 24 hours after giving birth!

It really was grim. My own parents came for short visits (an hour or so), brought cooked meals and were generally v supportive.

Probably stems from her insisting on staying for 3 nights just after dd was born. I was brave enough to say that I didn't want any visitors. "It'll be fine. I'll help with the baby. Don't worry." aaaargh! I didn't WANT help, I wanted to be left alone to get to know my baby!

So did she stay or not?

Not much else of what you have said is a big deal, in fact its mostly really petty. That and the fact that you are fine with your friends taking the baby but not the mil makes me wonder if this is more some in built competitive power struggle shit that seems to go on between dils and mils. It doesn't really seem based on much.

Sorry narked I do realise everyone isn't as assertive as me and yes I can see how it would be annoying. But to the point of ruining the relationship and causing problems for ever afterwards? It doesn't make sense to hold a grudge like that.

I think communication is the best way to go - because when everyone is second guessing everyone else then nothing will ever get resolved.

Poopoo - she came anyway.

I'm not bad at communicating but when it goes along the lines of:
Me "I'd rather you didn't come and stay straight away."
Mil "it's fine. I'll come for 3 nights. It's settled."
That was the general gist. Dh didn't want to upset her and it was our first baby so we thought ok, not worth upsetting her over. Dh now also regrets it.

And generally, I'm sorry for bring defensive. But I'm aware that iabu. I'm not trying to defend myself, just explain. I want things to get better.

*Nokidshere - it's not a grudge. I'm trying to get over it. But it did damage my relationship with her. I am being unreasonable to get annoyed over the petty stuff. Bottom line is she was very insensitive at a vulnerable time for me and really did spoil that first week with my baby. I've struggled to like her ever since. I'm not proud of how I feel. And I know it's up to me to see the positive side to her behaviour.

But I have to be SO forceful as she doesn't understand subtle at all. I did explicitly tell her that I didn't want overnight visitors in dd's first few weeks. I told her this before dd was born. She just insisted she would come. No room for compromise. I was happy for her to come and visit of course, just not to host her 24 hours after giving birth!

It really was grim. My own parents came for short visits (an hour or so), brought cooked meals and were generally v supportive. *

So stop being subtle and start being honest otherwise you will never get past it. And if you don't want to be the one to say it then let your DH do it - he is her son after all.

I agree with learning to be assertive although realise that's easier said than done! Have that issue myself.

Save it for what matters though, not things like small gifts. You will probably need to keep reminding yourself to separate the little things from what's really bothering you.

Poopoo you're right. Don't sweat the small stuff, forgive and move on from the big stuff. Be grateful that she loves dd and wants to be involved. Easy on paper but I will try

I can't forgive the big stuff from my inlaws either so when you figure out how to do it will you let me know?

DH and I had a few major fallings-out with PIL before we had children (largely regarding the change from them being most important in his life to me) and this spilled over into my relationship with them once we had our PFB. I tried to not make it obvious but since nothing had ever been smoothed over or discussed from before the ill feelings wee compounded and I found myself being secretly ungrateful for anything they got him and resentful of any time they wanted to spend with him. DS was born on a Fri and we asked if people could come after the weekend, as we wanted that time to bond and get sorted out, and yet there they were on our doorstep that same evening! Too many things to list that they did I felt were systematic of how they never cared about what we wanted. I never said anything to DH because to him we were all trying but this bothered me for the first year of DS's life.

Now DS's a bit older I realise they do actually love him and that's helped me get over myself a bit. Everything you've said about your MIL could be construed as positive or negative depending on how you feel about her, which you admitted yourself regarding how if your friends take your DD it's to help but if she does it's pushy etc. If you don't feel you can stand up to her, make sure your DH will-- but be fair and sort out what really matters to you and let her 'win' the small stuff.

wee compounded?! were!

Thank you frangelico. Really helps to hear from someone a few years further on than me. "secretly ungrateful" and resentful sum it up very well.

2 good friends had babies in the last week. One friend wanted me to visit straight away. The other friend wants to wait a few weeks. I am longing to visit them both but won't put any pressure on them and am more than happy to wait for as long (or short) a time as they need. And these are just friend's babies, so I do get that a grandchild would be 10 times more exciting. But still, giving birth is exhausting and being a new mum overwhelming. The needs of the new parents HAVE to come first even if you're a close family member.

My MIL made a massive deal about giving DD her first stocking on her first Xmas which infuriated me (amongst many other things - some serious some trivial) yet if it had been my mother it would not have bothered me as much if at all

Steben, this is a perfect exmaple of double standards that exist - why would it be ok for your own Mum but not your partners Mum?!! Is your Mum more important?

I get what you are saying about your MIL taking the baby when it is upset and hungry. My MIL used to grab my DS and would then immediately walk out of the room with him. I would be sat there wondering quite what to do while DS was bawling his eyes out in the hallway. I was not finding bf easy and I wasnt sure if DS was hungry or not. I could never find the words to ask for him back without hurting her feelings.
He was also excruciatingly clingy and even DH would struggle to calm him.

It wasn't that I didn't want help I found him ruddy hard work, funny enough he always was happy to go to FIL who always asked gently if he could hold DS to give me a break. FIL stayed in sight of me and passed DS back at the first sign of unhappiness.

Anyway, it was stressy coping with the grabbing and tears, but it got so much easier as DS got older and could express himself as to where he wanted to be. The decision was out of my and MILs hands and our relationship became much easier and more supportive of each other.

Again with the inappropriate amounts of chocolate and sweets presented upon her arrival and passed straight to DC, I used to fuss and worry and wonder why she couldn't bring something more appropriate. I was the bad mum taking away the presents. Now they are older and I worry less I sit back as she gives them the humongous bags of sweets and then as they eat and eat she worries and fusses that they wont eat their dinner and encourages them to stop.

It is all so much easier and I think that it comes with the increasing independence of the DC. When they are so young the responsibility to keep them safe and happy and well fed can make you slightly batshit.

I used to look forward to being a gran.
Not any more as I only have sons.

Think yourself lucky. My fucking MIL is a spiteful lunatic. After my DD was born she made a huge thing about her not looking anything like her Dad (funny thing is she is the image of him) telephoned me whilst very drunk and said that my partner didn't love me and that he didn't want to have a baby and I had ruined his life, told her gossipy neighbour that I neglect and do not look after my children. (I found out obviously) The only explanation that can be given for her behaviour is that she is 'jealous'. She has point blank refused to ever apologise and we haven't spoken in over a year. Although she does like to tell my partner things to pass on to me.
I'd love the advent calendar and coming to stay MIL. Mine would probably give me elax chocolates. Although she wouldn't because she does not acknowledge mine or my sons brithday or at Christmas. Fucking lunatic!

I don't think she's being rude but I do appreciate that it can be difficult getting used to the ways of other ppl and sharing your DH and DC with them.