Mil angst

[TooMuchRuddyChocolate]

I am fully prepared to admit that iabu if that's what the majority think. Have name changed for this as super sensitive.

My mil drives me bonkers. We got on fine until dh and I got married. We still "get on fine" - she has NO idea that she annoys me. But since I became her daughter in law there are few boundaries and she sees me as being part of her immediate family. Which I can see is lovely, but I am way more reserved than her and we've only ever met about a dozen times do it feels weird.

Three examples of things that irritate me to distraction.

1. She says "I'll come and stay in [month]. Let me know which weekend is best." Not "I'd love to see you, can I come and visit" Just this assumption that she can come whenever she likes for as long as she likes. It's so rude! None of my family would do this.

1. I have a baby. Last time she saw him she spent the entire visit trying to get her to sit on her lap. It was ALL about my mil's feelings. If she'd been patient, dd would happily have gone to her. But she kept pushing it when dd was hungry and that wasn't going to work (she's bf!).

1. She will buy dd a chocolate advent calendar. This annoys me because a) SHE'S A BABY b) I want to buy my daughter her first advent calendar c) she has completely different tastes/ideas to me - the advent calendar doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it's indicative of a wider problem. (think cutesy teddy outfits made of polyester etc. I know I'm ungrateful, but eurgh)

Ok. Hit me. Out and out unreasonable or does anyone sympathise?

Bling - no one needs to ask my permission to buy a gift. Do you mean the calendar? If so then yes, because she only needs one! Did you see my post about the pram?

The pram is fair of course - its a major gift. But advent calendar? I think you are being a bit precious. Partly because no one could know you consider advent calendars so personal a d partly because actually, it is ok to have more than one.

To me it sounds like your mil is learning. Eh you didn't like her buying a large thing that's very personal so she tried to buy something smaller s d more generic. You did not like her choosing her own arrival time when dd was born so now she is asking you for guidance on when to come.

I understand it's hard but I honestly think from what you have said here that you are pre-disposed to be irritated by her. She does do things that are annoying and the result is you are colouring everything she does accordingly.

Bling - fair enough. And I fully accept she has good intentions. Any tips for how to keep my cool and a fair perspective? How to make things better?

I agree with bling.

Something i learnt when my babies became toddlers and started exhibiting more challenging behaviour, was that it is so important to pick your battles and let the little things go. That works for dealing with other people too. If its really not that important, like a small gift then don't stress about it. The pram is different and that's one to stand your ground on. A disposable chocolate calendar is not.

Honestly, no

I used to get annoyed with mil for similar reasons but I came to realise she was really trying hard and that she adores us all. And that makes it much easier to cope now. She gave ds the ugliest nastiest fabric toy once. He loves it! I just have to accept they have their own way!

For me, when we went to visit her last time I was dreading it. She hadn't spoken to me about any ways to make things easier with ds etc and I was so resentful. But when we got there I saw how hard she had tried - just without talking to me. She had cleared out the spare room properly for the first time in five years so there was space for us. She had stocked the fridge with every possible food she thought we might like (yes, ridiculous over catering but I appreciated how hard she was trying to make us feel welcome), she cleared out a cupboard in the kitchen for ds' bottles and food etc etc. so it still wasn't the way I would have preferred it but I just reminded myself how hard she was trying.

We get on much better now.

Poopoo - as I have said, the advent calendar isn't really that big a deal, but it's symptomatic. Why can't she ask? "I'd love to buy dd an advent calendar - is that ok or do you already have one/want to buy it yourself?"

Because it was a gift! Do you always ask permission before you buy some a present?

Kids can have more than one advent calander you know!!

One year my boys ended up with one from us, the DH got one for the boys from one of his customers, then MIL got one for them and then my sister turned up with one!!

The pram thing! What a generous present.
And does it really really matter which one? It saved you a shed load of money for something that is essential over priced means of transporting a baby for a while. I would have flippin' snapped her hand off!

MIL clearly loves you all.

Just relax - like you said you only see her a coulple of times a year so let her enjoy being a granny to you DD when she gets chance.

Iknowwho - actually we did really care about the pram. My parents had already offered to buy any pram we liked but left it up to us to choose. Mil didn't buy a particularly expensive one. She liked the colour It might seem silly to you but it really, really did matter to me. I use it for hours a day!

Bling - thank you. I think reminding myself that she try's hard and means well is the way to go. Repeatedly if necessary!

Think this anger and resentment definitely comes from her pushiness in dd's first week. I found it so stressful and upsetting. Lesson learnt for next time. I'll have a no overnight visitors rule for the first month!

Because it was a gift! Do you always ask permission before you buy some a present?

I do, when buying for a child. In case what I buy isn't convenient or replicates something else, or the parents don't want the child to have chocolate that day/ever. Seems obvious to me.

(And incidentally, to my family. The ILs are slowly learning, which I'm grateful for...!)

OP - my MIL was also pushy and insensitive when DD was a newborn, and also wants to visit far more than I'm comfortable with and suggests dates making it hard to say 'no, we don't want you to come' (because DH doesn't until she suggests it!).

It's taken two years, and some stressful conversations around gifts to start to get things on an even keel, and the early bad experience definitely made it all much worse.

Actually, they both suggest visits, it's not just her. But she's the shopaholic!

Both being MIL and FIL, that is, not MIL and DH. I'm going to give up while I'm ahead!

Totally understandable. And perhaps I cope better with mil because she originally planned to visit for 5 weeks starting one week after ds due date....! No discussion. I was in fits. But, she came to her senses and changed her flight and that started me on the road to appreciating her efforts. Sadly, your mil started a bit later do its taking you longer!

You are sounding more and more uptight.
I agree that it was pushy about the first stay. I wouldn't have been over impressed with that either but I would have calmed down by now.
Put it down to her trying to help and being excited and happy.

I'm hoping my sons don't have kids tbh!!

Nothing ever suits some women on here!!

Get over yourself, enjoy your baby and enjoy having an extended family that appear to like you. Fourtunatly they don't know how up yourself you are being.

You don't know what's round the corner so instead of whinging about a calender because a granny didn't get consent and other matters start counting your blessings and have a happy attitude.

Leggy - ha! It's horrid to feel ungrateful for gifts and attention isn't it. But good to know things have got a bit better with time.
Mil went through a phase of buying huge presents for my nieces (play house, indoor trampoline etc). They lived in a tiny flat. After bil and sil retuned the umpteenth thing she got the message! They were v polite but pointed out that there just wasn't the floor space.

My mum has a plan for unwanted gifts. She is unbelievably accident prone. You'd be amazed at how many unwanted lovely gifts get broken/destroyed in the wash.

Don't sweat the small stuff OP [ grin]

Iknowwho - bit rude maybe?! I'm just venting and looking for advice. Seems I'm not alone in having mil gripes either...

Personally I am planning to be the MIL from hell, arriving with dozens of suitcases on Christmas Eve and drinking gin right through until New Years when I leave for my cruise. Daphne, my small adorable and windy dachshund will stay with my DIL as my GCs will adore her.

EnjoyGOLD - I love your Mum Great tip!

As Grandmother to 4 of the most wonderful GCs I think YABU.

I see my role as support for my DD if she asks for it and to envelope my grandchildren with unconditional love. My DD is always grateful of any gift however large or small that I give, anything large I would ask first if she thought it would be a good idea anything small such as an advent calander, (which I buy every Christmas for each of them as a matter norm) I buy without any consultation.

As i live 300 miles away from them nothing makes my heart leap more than them shouting Nana, with the biggest smiles on their faces whilst running towards me with arms open wide:)

I miss my MIL. She died when the children were much younger.
DS1 kind of rememebers her but DS2 doesn't

She wasn't perfect but neither am I. She was totally bonkers at times and is a legend throughout the very large family I married into but she adored all 9 of her grandchildren.

I didn't always agree with her ways but I only had to ask and she was there helping out if she could. She spoilt my kids rotten and it gave her pleasure to do so. It could, by some people, be seen as interferring. I prefered to see it as another of my family caring for us.

Look at your situation however you want.

OP - regarding the advent calendar tradition.

Why don't you let MIL buy the cardboard and chocolate thing from the supermarket and make your own advent calendar for you & dd to share? They're really not that difficult, or you could buy one ready made (lots of craft sellers online). That way it would be something your dd would have throughout childhood.

You could either get one with empty pockets to fill with chocolates or (as I have in both my dts ones) a little toy to countdown the days until Christmas. Now my dts are much older (10) I put sweets in the pockets but they still insist on using the toy too!

That way you and dd have started your own thing, different from what you and dm had but along the same lines.

The pram matters. You are the one who is going to push it, take it on buses, have to fit it in the boot of your car etc.

Two has a good idea. DS gets an advent calendar from DM and MIL. He doesn't like chocolate. Shame . From me he gets a Playmobil advent. Much excitement. Everyone's a winner

The prams an easy fix. Shame that can of paint fell on it. Sigh.