Mil angst

[TooMuchRuddyChocolate]

I am fully prepared to admit that iabu if that's what the majority think. Have name changed for this as super sensitive.

My mil drives me bonkers. We got on fine until dh and I got married. We still "get on fine" - she has NO idea that she annoys me. But since I became her daughter in law there are few boundaries and she sees me as being part of her immediate family. Which I can see is lovely, but I am way more reserved than her and we've only ever met about a dozen times do it feels weird.

Three examples of things that irritate me to distraction.

1. She says "I'll come and stay in [month]. Let me know which weekend is best." Not "I'd love to see you, can I come and visit" Just this assumption that she can come whenever she likes for as long as she likes. It's so rude! None of my family would do this.

1. I have a baby. Last time she saw him she spent the entire visit trying to get her to sit on her lap. It was ALL about my mil's feelings. If she'd been patient, dd would happily have gone to her. But she kept pushing it when dd was hungry and that wasn't going to work (she's bf!).

1. She will buy dd a chocolate advent calendar. This annoys me because a) SHE'S A BABY b) I want to buy my daughter her first advent calendar c) she has completely different tastes/ideas to me - the advent calendar doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it's indicative of a wider problem. (think cutesy teddy outfits made of polyester etc. I know I'm ungrateful, but eurgh)

Ok. Hit me. Out and out unreasonable or does anyone sympathise?

Maybe you need to pick your battles - you obviously had a very set idea about the advent calendar because of a tradition (which with the best will in the world unless you had explicitly mentioned it how was she to know!?)
So what are your other precious main concerns? For an example the stocking - tell her now ..."MiL it's always been a tradition in my family to have red knitted stockings with wooden toys, that's what we want to do for DD, what traditions do you have? Oh none ... Well how about a Christmas decoration easily broken or hidden at back of tree "
And I know it's not just about Christmas but you see what I mean?
She sounds like she just wants to do the right thing but her idea of right is different to yours. So if you feel that strongly about it give the her some help.

Diaimchlo - that's great! But you do sound quite different from my mil...
I'm not anti grandparents. I'm all FOR grandparents! Just need a degree of sensitivity. Probably doesn't help that mil really doesn't know me v well and makes sweeping assumptions based on her taste and traditions.

TwoIf - lovely idea, thank you

My in laws saw that i was very ill for the first few years of my dcs life and was going through an awful time and refused to help in any way. In fact they went out of their way to make things even more difficult for us. It was repeated, vindictive, nasty, deliberate behaviour. I suffered, my husband did, my children also and i suspect have lasting effects from it.

Now i am not particularly enamored (understatement) with my in laws for these reasons and i get upset about small things they do. Most likely because i am so angry about what they did, nothing to do with the small thing itself.

So perhaps you need to separate the two. Your original annoyance with her wanting to come and stay just after you had given birth and the presents she buys which you don't like.

Each family has a different way of operating - the issue here seems to be your MIL is used to doing things her way without consulting other people. That's not how your (or indeed my!) family works and so to you she feels overbearing and interfering.

The issue of advent calendars/Chrsitmas stockings/prams are all incidental really. If you are not happy with what she does, it sounds like you are doing a good job pushing back.

I agree with you that just because it is her son's house she hould not invite herself - but again that's different people/families operating in different ways. Find a date that suits you and your dh and let her know - she will eventually cotton on to the way you want to do it going forward?

The posters who say you should be happy with whatever gifts she decides to give you, . Luckily lots of clothes and toys can be exhcanged without receipts - an option I often go for!! Completely see where you're coming from.

So - longwinded but YANBU. Just try to keep calm and be more confident?

I think she isn't being unreasonable and you just have to stand up to her over the big things than annoy you.
Cakes for breakfast every day for a week would annoy me. OK as a one off, I've given my kids cake occasionally when they've known I've baked one and have been in bed before it was ready. I don't see it makes much difference what time of day you have cake as long as you have savoury stuff too. Bacon sandwiches aren't health food either.
I think she is being OK about coming to stay. I'd rather a relative said "I'd like to come in August is there a good weekend for you"? Than not say anything and moan I never invite them or just say "I want to come on x weekend".
If none of the August weekends suit then say "Sorry that's a busy month for us but we can do x weekend in September or x weekend in October.
My kids get 2 advent calendars each year, one from each grandparent. Both sets of grandparents love buying them. I would have loved to choose one when they were young, but getting them 3 seemed mad so I did a house advent candle each evening and started a new tradition. We'd never had an advent candle when I was a kid. The kids got excited with lighting it each evening.

Havering - with the stocking as an example... Mil hasn't got dd a stocking. But it's the sort of thing she would do.

Wouldn't MOST parents want to buy/make their children's Christmas stockings?! I would never buy one for another child unless I'd asked the parents first. Is that me being precious?!

See, it's the sort of thing that I would probably make and my dd will use for her whole childhood. Whereas mil will just buy it because she happens to see one - no real thought to it.

It's not all about the gifts. Taking dd away (repeatedly) to comfort her if she cries when she's hungry and bf, buying formula so she can feed dd herself (she was ebf), buying big chocolate bars for her (she's less than a year and has not yet had chocolate) and being very disappointed that I won't give my baby a whole dairy milk (seriously).

Just so hard. I love being a mother. I'm good at it! Dd is happy, friendly, content. I want mil to appreciate dd for who she is, not just a doll to dress up and feed and carry around.

Bit depressed thinking about it all actually.

Hatsy:
Each family has a different way of operating - the issue here seems to be your MIL is used to doing things her way without consulting other people. That's not how your (or indeed my!) family works and so to you she feels overbearing and interfering.

Perfect. Exactly how I feel. Thank you!

The posters who say you should be happy with whatever gifts she decides to give you,
I was one of those posters.
Have you not seen how many people post because their MIL's don't buy their grandchildren anything and have no interest whatsoever.

Again can't do right for doing wrong!!

I'm not saying you have to like the gift but you don't have to act all petulant because the gift wasn't to your taste!!

Cheer up OP. your DD might grow up to marry my DS, and enjoy looking after Daphne every January

EnjoyGOLD - that would be marvellous ;-) Dd loves dogs. I love gin. You're on!

Match made in Mumsnet heaven

Iknow. I agree with you when it comes to small things such as an outfit, but a pram? I wouldn't have wanted someone to chose and buy one for me because i would be the one who would need to fit it on the bus. What if it was too big? I can never get on the bus? What if it didn't fit in the boot of the car? What if the handles were so high it made my arms ache to push it? Big presents like that should never be bought without asking.

My sibling once bought my other sibling a car. Lovely generous gift except that other sibling couldn't afford to run a car!

My MIL is exactly the same - assumptions, not asking - telling (but this has changed after I pulled DH up on a lot of plans that hadn't been run past me first), she buys all my dc's advent calenders and easter eggs (that's fine, we save the money and get extra chocolate!)
Christmas at the IL's is a whole other thread!

Just keep telling yourself how much she loves your family and cares for them - it's all out of love.

"it's all out of love, it's all out of love, it's all out if love..."

I'll concede on the pram buisness then!!

I sort of get it being important but all I can say is that it wasn't a biggie for me and I would have been made up if someone bought me one.
In fact I remember getting one second hand and my mum being horrified. I did think that if it was such a big deal to her by me a new one then!
However my thoughts were prams weren't something that was thrown about and babies aren't in them for that long a time anyway so why pay a fortune.
I knew the person that sold me the prams so I was as happy as Larry!

Yabu in a way but I know exactly how you feel!

You may as well be describing my mil, especially with the gift buying. She buys for the sake of buying, no thought goes into it and most of it is shit!
When dd was 3 weeks old she arrived at my house with a pair or leopard print fake ugg boots still with a tag on that said they were £1 in the primark sale!

Now...it's not the price that bothers me, I'm all for bargain hunting but these, were. Horrific! And so not worth the £1 she paid! To top it off she came round the week after with a pink track suit for her to wear with them!

In the grand scheme of things it's nothing, it's not hard to put a child in something for a visit and then burn it lose it in the depths of the wardrobe but when EVERYTHING they buy is poor quality crap it really starts to grate. I ink what annoys me more is that she thinks that's my taste in baby clothes! It quite clearly isn't....

It's easy to say don't sweat the small stuff and in a way you shouldn't but with my mil it was a slippery slope, dd is only 17mo and we've had a few big arguments in the last few months because I've not said anything and let things build.

Moral of the story, be polite but be assertive. Its wonderful that she's so keen but it's your child and your terms. Maybe get our dh to talk to her?

Good luck :)

But that's my point - you would make it for reuse because that's your tradition, not necessarily everyone's. Don't get me wrong my mum makes stockings for everyone and heaven forbid we don't use them

I'm just using that as an example of where you need to understand other families have other traditions or actual none. So pick what's important to you - Christmas or otherwise - and set expectations with your DH and his mum. Everything else let it slide

It sound like you are all OUT of love OP!!!!

I agree that I would like input into pram buying, but as I got mine second hand after replying to an advert I saw in a supermarket maybe I would have been grateful for a pram. It sounds as though you stood up to her OK in that situation. They didn't live in the pram long anyway and spent far longer in the pushchair which I was fussier about wanting it to have handles suitable for tall people and able to go on different terrain and fit in car easily.

I did however make it clear to grandparents that they weren't to buy a pushchair as I was fussy about which one I wanted.
I think with her staying after the birth you should have just said "no I don't want anyone staying and want the 3 of us to have time alone" and told your husband to ensure his mum got the message as well.
I think you'll just have to become more assertive with her even if you aren't naturally, but ensure you don't let the little things annoy you excessively. Buying small presents and sweets is just what grandparents do, I wouldn't send clothes that fit them back if not to your taste, they grow out of them soon enough.

Iknowwho - we got a second hand bugaboo. It was pristine and Jess than half price. We'll sell it on when dd is bigger. Brilliant. Some of my friends have done the same and sold their prams for the same price they brought it for

wetthemogwai - wow. Just wow. That's put my mil baby fashion faux pas in context!

You do sound quite precious and very PFB'ish but your MIL does sound quite irritating. However, you sound like a lovely caring Mum and your MIL sounds like a lovely Gran so hopefully it will all work out ok. .

Funnily enough my DC's were given hideous, ugly and cheap stockings by a relative which we used for many years. I think the DC's liked them just as much as they would have liked some tasteful naice one that I would have got them. They remember who gave them the stocking which is sweet isn't it. I am not saying I used all the stunningly hideous presents they received though.

I am sure your relationship and irritation with your MIL will settle down when your very PFB is a little older.

iknowwho - The posters who say you should be happy with whatever gifts she decides to give you,

I stand by this - you don't have to like (or use) everything you are given. Gifts should be given thoughtfully (I tend to ask what people would like or include a gift receipt). I do think some gift giving can be rather controlling - ie choosing kids outfits/prams/whatever.

The fact that some PIL are disinterested and give no gifts doesn't have any bearing on this IMO.

I made the kids stockings, and a fabric pocket advent calendar too -

MIL and my Mum also gave us stockings and calendars....

there is no reason they can't use all of them - just happens that the other stockings get put under the tree, the homemade one gets put on the foot of the bed.

The advent calendars got chucked - crappy chocolate that "gave them a little rash" - so they didn't send any more - they are 10 and 11 now, but still have 3 stockings - both mum and MIL bring crappy bits of tat and sweets to put in them, most of the sweets get chucked in April when the Easter chocfest starts (got them down to one egg each!! made from "proper" chocolate).

Why can't you just be honest with her?

Call her and say something nice like "I am really grateful for all the stuff you get for dd, but as she is getting bigger now and has quite a lot of stuff already I would hate you to waste your money on something we already have, so give me a quick call if you have something in mind"?

And if you can't do that maybe you should just accept things gracefully and put them away for reuse or recycling.

I can't see what you are making so much fuss about.