Mil angst

[TooMuchRuddyChocolate]

I am fully prepared to admit that iabu if that's what the majority think. Have name changed for this as super sensitive.

My mil drives me bonkers. We got on fine until dh and I got married. We still "get on fine" - she has NO idea that she annoys me. But since I became her daughter in law there are few boundaries and she sees me as being part of her immediate family. Which I can see is lovely, but I am way more reserved than her and we've only ever met about a dozen times do it feels weird.

Three examples of things that irritate me to distraction.

1. She says "I'll come and stay in [month]. Let me know which weekend is best." Not "I'd love to see you, can I come and visit" Just this assumption that she can come whenever she likes for as long as she likes. It's so rude! None of my family would do this.

1. I have a baby. Last time she saw him she spent the entire visit trying to get her to sit on her lap. It was ALL about my mil's feelings. If she'd been patient, dd would happily have gone to her. But she kept pushing it when dd was hungry and that wasn't going to work (she's bf!).

1. She will buy dd a chocolate advent calendar. This annoys me because a) SHE'S A BABY b) I want to buy my daughter her first advent calendar c) she has completely different tastes/ideas to me - the advent calendar doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it's indicative of a wider problem. (think cutesy teddy outfits made of polyester etc. I know I'm ungrateful, but eurgh)

Ok. Hit me. Out and out unreasonable or does anyone sympathise?

YABU. You sound like hard work.

yabvu. It's not all about you you know. Unclench a bit.

I think these are minimal irritations and you sound really uptight.

How old will DD be at Christmas? 6mo+ then an chocolate calendar is fine. DD ends up with 3 - one from me, one from MIL and one from DM but I get 2 of the chocolates

My parents do all of these. Point 1 is irritating (YANBU) but I think it's meant well and it means you can be equally forthright back, do I just say this month isn't good, how about [date x].

Point 2: yep, I remember telling my parents DD was hungry. They said she wasn't. Wonder why they thought she was trying to latch onto everyone who came close? I think they just forget what it's like and love their grandchild and want lots of time together so I don't mind this so much.

Point 3: meh, eat it or give it away once they've left. My parents wanted DD to have chips and ice cream 3 days after I started weaning.

Thanks for all the replies so far! Yes, I am being a bit unreasonable. And unkind probably.

I think it's partly that I feel she imposes her way of doing things on me and my family. She's very thick skinned and I'm quite shy. So it's hard to tell her to back off sometimes.

Oh, and it's not about buying my pfb's FIRST advent calendar. More that I only expect her to have one and I want it to be from me and be a traditional one - not chocolate. It was a really lovely tradition between me and my Mum growing up and I want that with my daughter. I know it's not a big deal really, but it's symptomatic.

Yabu. It's a mil job to be mildly annoying. But seriously, she sounds fine to me.

It sounds like you need to be a bit more assertive when she is overstepping your boundaries.

And you can still have the traditional one you want for your DD. Stick the other one in a drawer.

My MIL couldn't give two hoots about DS. DM on the other hand adores him, spoils him rotten, buys things I wouldn't. It's probably easier for me to put up with as she's my own mother, but any time it starts to grate I think back fondly to all the special times spent with my grandparents. I want DS to adore his grandparents as much as I adored mine, therefore I let it all wash over me.

Also, I just want to confess that it's only really my mil who winds me up over such PETTY stuff to do with dd. Believe it or not I'm pretty relaxed with other family and friends.

I think it's just her complete lack of sensitivity.

Probably stems from her insisting on staying for 3 nights just after dd was born. I was brave enough to say that I didn't want any visitors. "It'll be fine. I'll help with the baby. Don't worry." aaaargh! I didn't WANT help, I wanted to be left alone to get to know my baby!

sigh Think that's probably the root.

Least she hasn't started mnetting.

I had to have a post deleted the other day.

perhaps she was excited and wanted to see her grandchild. your posts all seem to talk about you and your requirements. you seem to be forgetting you aren't (or shouldn't be) the only important person in your daughter's life. you don't own her, she is a member of a family

'stems from her insisting on staying for 3 nights just after dd was born. I was brave enough to say that I didn't want any visitors. "It'll be fine. I'll help with the baby. Don't worry." aaaargh! I didn't WANT help, I wanted to be left alone to get to know my baby!'

Ah. Yes, that would be the root. I'm not surprised that you're having issues with her now.

I would say - don't be a doormat to your MIL - but don't sweat the small stuff

• if you don't want something from the kids GPs - Advent calendar , polyester teddy outfits etc - just say (with crossed fingers if need be) "Oh, I let them have it/put it on them and their skin is so sensitive, it gave them a little rash - so sorry...." and steer them to something you would prefer ..... that way the purchases do not get repeated and you do not step on feelings either.

"a little rash" goes a long way.....

2nd hand shops are very useful. smile sweetly, say thanks and then off it goes once they are gone.

Fluffycloud. What happened?!

YABU for most of it tbh, she just sounds like a loving and excited Grandma/MIL.

However, why on earth has she bought a choc advent calendar in September? I bet the use by date is before december! Obviously, the chocs aren't for baby, but really what is the point of advent calendars now?

I can't say too much about it .

I'm just saying it could be worse.....

She sounds fine to me, just different from you. You get to eat any chocolate she sends and you don't have to put the clothes on her if you don't like them.
Take a deep breath and smile, accept the gits and then carry on like always.

YABU she seems like a lovely lady...just different to what you're used to that's all.

This bit though... Oh, and it's not about buying my pfb's FIRST advent calendar. More that I only expect her to have one and I want it to be from me and be a traditional one - not chocolate. It was a really lovely tradition between me and my Mum growing up and I want that with my daughter. I know it's not a big deal really, but it's symptomatic

That's lovely that you had that between you and your Mum...but what about what she had between her and her son?

I do think a lot of DILs forget that the baby is their DH's as well....therefore the MIL is no less important than their own Mums are.

YABU - you need to be more confident about things thats all.

When she asks about the visit just say oh no we cant manage that can you do xxx instead.

Everything else just let go.

I am very happy for grandparents - and whoever else wants to - to spend money on my boys!! And if it not suitable then we do thank you's and "oh it lovely" and then pass it on to someone later. its no biggie.

As for traditions - you can still have the traditional advent for you and your daughter to share and enjoy the choc ones from grandma as well. Most children would prefer the tacky cheap ones from the supermarket anyway just for the chocolate ;)