Mil angst

[TooMuchRuddyChocolate]

I am fully prepared to admit that iabu if that's what the majority think. Have name changed for this as super sensitive.

My mil drives me bonkers. We got on fine until dh and I got married. We still "get on fine" - she has NO idea that she annoys me. But since I became her daughter in law there are few boundaries and she sees me as being part of her immediate family. Which I can see is lovely, but I am way more reserved than her and we've only ever met about a dozen times do it feels weird.

Three examples of things that irritate me to distraction.

1. She says "I'll come and stay in [month]. Let me know which weekend is best." Not "I'd love to see you, can I come and visit" Just this assumption that she can come whenever she likes for as long as she likes. It's so rude! None of my family would do this.

1. I have a baby. Last time she saw him she spent the entire visit trying to get her to sit on her lap. It was ALL about my mil's feelings. If she'd been patient, dd would happily have gone to her. But she kept pushing it when dd was hungry and that wasn't going to work (she's bf!).

1. She will buy dd a chocolate advent calendar. This annoys me because a) SHE'S A BABY b) I want to buy my daughter her first advent calendar c) she has completely different tastes/ideas to me - the advent calendar doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it's indicative of a wider problem. (think cutesy teddy outfits made of polyester etc. I know I'm ungrateful, but eurgh)

Ok. Hit me. Out and out unreasonable or does anyone sympathise?

Yanbu. It will be hard to get over her imposing herself after your dds birth. Maybe be more assertive now and you tell her when is convenient for a visit. Also, let dh do all the chatting and telephone calls with her, it may give you some breathing space. It's worked wonders for me, dh has to assert himself with his bossy mother and I'm free to be kind and polite all the time :)

Thank you Hawaii - good advice

Worra - I see what you're saying. But my point is that it was a tradition between me and my Mum. And now I'd like it to be between me and my daughter. My Mum wouldn't buy dd an advent calendar (although she might buy me one!). Does that make sense?

Anyway, I sound like a l

Posted too soon!

I sound like a loon banging on about advent calendars. That's not really what it's about (duh).

Yes I know some people have far more overbearing or disinterested pil. I know I'm lucky in many ways. It's still tough sometimes though! And I really do feel so mean, but although my head is sensible by heart just feels quite sore. Hope that makes sense?

I see how she is with her other gc and she treats them more like her dc than gc. Which makes me want to push her away (although I don't - this is v much just in my head. Dh would be so hurt if he knew how I feel).

To those who mentioned being mil's in the future... All I can say is that I will always remember that my gc are just that. Grandchildren. And they are my daughter or (possible future) son's precious, precious children. And I will let my children and their partners take the lead (I hope!).

Not easy is it - extended families!

One more thing. Mil lives a few hours away and dh never notices clothes. So yes, I have dressed dd in gifts (for literally 1 minute, tags attached), taken a picture to send to mil and then returned the gift or donated it to charity. Would never want mil to know that I didn't like her presents. Still feel guilty though!

Until you become a grandparent yourself you can't possibly say how you will act or feel for your children's children.

I am still shocked at the strength of my love for my grandchildren. I can honestly say that I love them every bit as much as I love my own.

I am very lucky that my daughters don't have issues with me adoring and spoiling the children. I have one son and absolutely dread the thought that I may one day be resented by a daughter in law for loving and wanting a relationship with that child too.

I got on extremely well with my mother-in-law. I remember my own mother telling me that it isn't compulsory to dislike your mother-in-law and I consequently tried to involve her as much as my own mother. It seems too many forget that. What astounds me is the mother of sons who can't see that they may be treated the same as they treat their mother-in-laws. Karma and all that...

YABU and you know it.

I get it...but then I have out-laws rather than in-laws (my daughter has no contact with her biological dad, but we do see his family) which probably colours my view somewhat!

I am the expert in mil relationships! I am the unlucky person with 3 mil's!!!! One real, one step and one grandma in the place of a mother in law!!! The thing is mil and gmil display this behaviour! Mil irritates gmil doesn't! Mil was always trying to get ds attention always tried to get ds attention ad I felt she deeply resented breast feeding as she didn't have control! She bought gifts for one up manship. She bought ds all his clothes for four months! I put a stop to it they were shit and I his mother wanted to choose his clothes! GMIL always comes with gifts but does it purely out of love. She buys clothes but she listens to what i like and brings just to be nice. I love it! She can do no wrong as a grandparent in my eyes. What I'm saying is the motive behind the actions are as important as the actions!

YABU. Sorry. I think her asking what weekend would suit you suggests she is not as bad as some of the MIL's that get described on MN. She is staying at her sons house and probably doesn't feel like she has to ask permission. I think that is understandable.

Buying presents or advent calendars that you don't like is fine, just let her enjoy it and don't use the items you don't like. It's really really doesn't matter.

YABU, but I also think it is from a lingering resentment over her coming when your baby was a newborn even though you said you didn't want company.
As far as the advent calendar goes, I'd "forget" what she said about that and order one right away. I probably would have done it the same day she told me her plan!

Thetrack - got it in one!
Inky - I take your point. But our home is my home as much as dh's. I would never treat mil's house as my own just because she's dh's mother.
Apostropheuse - thanks for threatening me with karma. Helpful

I know I'm being unreasonable. Many of these posts have helped to get things into perspective.

I suppose I really resonate with what Thetrack said. I have friends who literally whisk dd from my arms the moment they're in the house and that's fine - doesn't bother me. I'm just grateful she's got so many people who love her. But they're less.... Pushy? Controlling?

To be clear, I'm NEVER rude to my mil. I do want her to have a close relationship with dd. I know things will get easier as dd gets older.

Thanks everyone!

As someone else said in the nicest possible way YABU - she does sound like a keen & loving MIL. But don't feel guilty about stuff, absolutely nothing wrong with not using clothes/toys/advent calendars if you don't like/want them, just subtly lose items and MIL will never know!

Look for the positives.

She does at least ask when it´s convenient to stay-I don´t think that sibu to assume that she is "allowed" to stay at her son´s house.

She´s excited to hold baby-but you need to tell her that she needs feeding & will be happier to go to her after.

Let her buy a choc Advent calendar & you can get another type. Tell her what sort of clothes you like-or shop together?

I don´t think that cutsey teddy would bother me as much as the polyester tbh.

All of that said, when someone annoys you, they do & it´s hard not to pick at everything that they say/do.

But if she´s not doing it to undermine/wind you up-that´s the main thing to hold on to!

Yabu and pfb

What does your DH want?

Does he want your DD wearing the clothes his mother chose and bought? Does he want his Christmas tradition of a chocolate advent calendar to continue?

Getting married and having a baby means starting new traditions and blending two expectations.

This lady is willing to stand time traveling to see her new granddaughter, is willing to spend time and money buying her gifts, is willing to spend time cuddling her to ger to know her. Please give her some room.

The more you post the more unhinged you sound!
You have a lovely MIL by the sound of it.

Get over yourself and accept you are part of a family who are interested in you and your daughter and want a relationship.

Dh just doesn't care about clothes, toys etc. As in, he doesnt notice quality/brand etc. I couldn't give a stuff about brand either but do care about quality. I can easily return or donate presents and he wouldn't notice. If I asked him, he'd say no, keep everything.

Generally though, he's v supportive of me and knows that his mum is a bit overbearing. But she's his mum, so of course he's protective of her too.

Mil and I are just very different. She doesn't seem to notice that. She assumes that whatever she did with her children is what I will WANT to do with my children. I just don't understand this way of thinking. It drives her other son and dil mad too. I'm all for gp treating children and spoiling them a bit but she actively gives gc things their parents really don't want them to have. Eg cupcakes for breakfast EVERY DAY for a week when they stay. Drove my sil crazy as her dc refused to eat anything other than junk food all week and mil then started lecturing her about the importance of children eating spinach. Just so frustrating. Am aware that I need to be assertive. And remember that we only see her half a dozen times a year.

DEEP BREATHS!

Worra - I see what you're saying. But my point is that it was a tradition between me and my Mum. And now I'd like it to be between me and my daughter. My Mum wouldn't buy dd an advent calendar (although she might buy me one!). Does that make sense?

But your partners mum would buy an advent calendar! How can you say to her that you don't want her buying one because its not something your mum would do? So what? Why does she have to live by some rule your mum set many many years ago. In relation to that you are being very unreasonable and i can't imagine that you can be thinking clearly right now. No one that was would think your mil should mind read about some tradition you have and stick to those rules. Its a bit loopy!

Really hope I'm not unhinged

Just having a rant. I don't want to find her so irritating and hearing other people's stories help to get perspective and take done metaphorical deep breaths!

Poopoo - as I have said, the advent calendar isn't really that big a deal, but it's symptomatic. Why can't she ask? "I'd love to buy dd an advent calendar - is that ok or do you already have one/want to buy it yourself?"
Fwiw she brought us a pram when I was pregnant. No discussion, no conversation with me or dh. It was one of the few baby things that we really wanted to chose ourselves so dh said thanks, but please return it, we want x type of pram. She did return it but could not understand why we wouldn't be happy with her choice.

You are not unhinged at all - it can be a very difficult relationship. My MIL made a massive deal about giving DD her first stocking on her first Xmas which infuriated me (amongst many other things - some serious some trivial) yet if it had been my mother it would not have bothered me as much if at all. I am the same as you my MIL and I are just very different people and whilst she has displayed some shocking behaviour over the years (xmas stocking incident aside which was obviously very trivial) I just do not really like really like her - it seems harsh in black and white but it is true. Best I can do is be respectful and try and make the best of it whilst hiding my feelings from DH. Luckily I do not see her very often.

Steben - thank you. I can imagine mil doing that with a Christmas stocking. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

Clearly you have acknowledged YABU. but I just want to add some perspective - I think she sounds like she is trying to be sensitive. Eg she asks when is convenient to visit. It's not unreasonable for a grandmother to assume a visit is welcome but a lot of mil don't bother considering dates.

On the advent calendar, you are only upset because you have a tradition with your own mum which mil could not know about. She has avoided getting dd any if the things traditionally parents like to buy first eg a special doll or bike.

And the lap thing is normal - I think all GC forget that it takes babies a whole to warm to new people and they get disappointed because they think that they will have an instant connection with GC. I understand how irritating it is, but try see her pov.

I do have to add now that I read a later post from you - why should anyone have to ask permission to buy your child a gift? I honestly don't understand this attitude. You should be happy people live her and want to buy her gifts. I buy my nieces and nephews gifts all the time.

Forgive the prolific posting... It's helping me think this through!

But maybe I'm protective about silly small things because this is my one chance to be the Mummy. Mil has had her children and did things her way then. Noes the time for her to have a special but different relationship with her gc, not just replicate what she did with her own children.

And that pfb tag... I sort of hate it! Yes, she's my first born. And precious. Not really such a bad thing, surely?!