Aibu re childcare comments

[sleepdodger]

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

My ds has been in ft nursery from 11 months. I was worried about sending him & going back to work. Best thing I've done. He gets attention all day doing things I wouldn't,I feel like myself at work.
People always ask if it's horrific/excrutiatingly hard,it's not actually but the judging you are doing is.
My mum occasionally wails about poor poor ds. She recently asked if I'd send him to private school (whole other thread) as surely I'd want to actually do my best for him at some stage. I did get angry & say I was already doing my best by paying a grand a month for him to be looked after at a fantastic nursery by qualified staff who enjoy childcare. I enjoy work. I love ds but I was really isolated whilst on mat leave,no friends or family locally & a cultural diversity that actually didn't really seem to include me at groups etc.
I find a firm 'ds loves nursery' & then a change of subject generally does the trick. The only person who really seemed to 'get' me was an occasional colleague who had a challenging dd who also didn't sleep or rest much.

Yama- agree with your last post. It's really depressing hearing some of these attitudes... Just makes me very glad I'm married to a man who sees himself as an equal parent and enjoys every aspect of raising our children as much as I do

'Just makes me very glad I'm married to a man who sees himself as an equal parent and enjoys every aspect of raising our children as much as I do'

Isn't insinuating women who stay at home/DP goes out to work all day not having an equal relationship, the same judginess you're seeing in people saying they're not sure about ft nursery for a DC?

I love that posters on here can't even see how their comments are judgemental or might make op feel bad. By saying you think it's bad for a child to be in ft childcare, you are making op feel bad.

Op, don't let comments get you down. As do many on here have suggested, men don't get this. And there are loads of other situations where people would never dream of saying something even of they are thinking it very very loudly in their own head! Eg have you ever seen a women casually say to a fat women who's eating a cake : you shouldn't do that. Probably not because it's rude. So why do people think its ok to comment on childcare?!

[for record, I think put your dc in childcare if that is best for your family. Do not feel guilty as they will not be sufferibg].

I'm not insinuating anything. I am stating openly that my dh sees himself as an equal parent who enjoys our children's company as much as I do and is equally capable at caring for them.

You're right, Janey. It is depressing .

DH sees himself as equal parent and loves hanging out and playing with our DC; unfortunately the nature of his job is such that he must work very long hours and be away often so he doesn't need to play "Mr. Mom" to justify a lack of ambition and work ethic. The equal parenting manifests more in properly providing for his family, rather than attending daddy and tot groups, so that his offspring don't have to spend the equivalent of a full-time job in a nursery.

Bling I do see that my comments may be construed as judgemental and that as a result, the OP may feel bad. Oops!

YANBU. People should make their own choices and not other peoples.I have been both a SAHM and WOHM and have friends who do both. If they are happy with their choice then that is fabulous. I am happy with what I do therefore do not judge. Scathing people usually have problems deep down with their choice.

By the way my DH works 39 hours a week which is varied shifts. So he is very involved and often attends school plays etc. I also study/attend college and he is often having all 5 DC alone and is very capable. We are both very close to DC. Not all working fathers who have a SAH partner are working all hours to enable this nor is their relationship necessarily suffering as a consequence.

Exactly jellybeans ,many couples arrange things so that BOTH parents get a good balance in their lives, and so the children get a good balance of both parents too. Dh and I both enjoy doing stuff with the kids and we both enjoy our careers too, so we strive to get a really good balance with it all.

The people who react that way probably do not feel comfortable having a child in nursery 50 hours a week. You do feel comfortable with it so you just have to ignore it.

People cannot help but react sometimes......a friend put her 2 week baby in fill time nursery and when she told me I did a sharp intake of breath and said nothing.
I was chatting to a friend yesterday......we have both worked in nurseries.
Let's just say they are businesses that will keep you child safe but it is impossible for a child t get the same level of attention in that setting usually.
That makes some people uneasy and they will express that.

As my friend said.....the parents have no idea what goes on......meaning the lack of attention the kids get...as long as they go home with some drawing...craft they have done for about 5 minutes of their 8 hours in there.

I guess it is that fear that a young child may not get the best experience with a paid carer juggling several children,s needs that makes people wary of too much time in nursery.
And I am sorry if it makes the poster feel bad to say that, but if they had no doubts about what they have chosen it shouldnt make them feel bad.
If they have nigglong doubts, that can motivate you to seek alternatives like child minders with better ratios or part time nurseries or whatever.

Perhaps it is the case that 50 hours in a nursery is not the best for a child and that is why people react to it, because they do disapprove and think it is not the best choice for a child, whilst it may be or the parent if they can remain unaware of what the child,s experience is like.

2 weeks does sound awfully young to be in full time nursery. I'd have to biting my tongue too. Also, I'd have thought it would be difficult finding a nursery willing to take a baby that young.

Children are unique in that they blur the boundaries between public and private.

Most of the time it's a private matter what you decide to do with them, but other people can legitimately make judgements about those decisions if they think the child could come to harm.

I'm not saying nurseries cause children harm, it's just that 'looking out for children' in general could encourage some to overstep the mark and think they also have the right to judge about other things they see/hear.

Given that maternity leave is now up to a year, I really can't see why many parents in the uk would Choose to leave a 2 week old baby in full time nursery. IF they could find a nursery able to take it, because most nurseries seem to take babies from 3 months. Someone running their own successful business who couldn't afford a year off would no doubt get a nanny in. I do wonder whether some of these stories we hear are apocryphal

I returned to work on Thursday and everyone (as in circa 20 people) asked me whether I was returning on reduced hours.

Not one single person asked my DH that when he went back to work after Paternity.

Grr.

I get asked the "part time" question a lot as well. Unfortunately, work won't agree to part time, I'm hoping that when I return in June 2013 they might consider 4 days a week on a temporary basis. My dad will stay with us for 6 weeks to care for DD but then from September (I am a secondary school head of department) she will have to go to nursery probably full time, when she will be 14 months.

For us, yes, it is nursery or homeless. I am a single parent and I have a mortgage.

The strange thing is in terms of parenting I think I am very good from a baby/toddler perspective. I change nappies, breastfeed, co-sleep, use a sling, am very calm and I love this baby so so much, I know others will understand that I fell in love with her when I was carrying her. But I'm not an assertive person and I worry how I'll help when she's bullied or when a boyfriend breaks her heart.

There's so much more to being a good parent than the pre-school years.

OP, you just need to become a bit scarier, then you won't get these comments. I can honestly say that no one (apart from my mother who is her own special category) has ever criticised me to my face about my life choices as seems to happen all the time on here. When I mentioned it to a friend she said it was because I am intimidating. I think I am very nice actually

Work on developing the Paddington hard stare.

Can't be easy OP, and more power to you. We make it work the best we can x

Luckily I have not had many comments of this kind over the years but you have reminded me of one particular woman I had the misfortune to be cornered by at a mother and toddler group. She just went on and on - didn't I want to give up work, couldn't I get a new job closer to where I live, couldn't I work part-time, couldn't my husband work more (than the full-time he already was doing), why didn't he get a better job, didn't he want to support his family, wasn't I missing my children. It was so personal and so rude and so presumptuous and judgmental that, instead of being insulted, I just found myself gobsmacked that someone could be quite so stupid! Mind you, I was sorely tempted to point out that if she got off her lardy arse and went to work herself she wouldn't need a chair for each buttock and could insult me without sweating so profusely and needing to stop after every second word to take a huge wheezing breath. Not that I'm a judgmental cow or owt!

' Mind you, I was sorely tempted to point out that if she got off her lardy arse and went to work herself she wouldn't need a chair for each buttock and could insult me without sweating so profusely and needing to stop after every second word to take a huge wheezing breath.'

Do you not see the irony between being annoyed at what you say she said to you, and this nasty judgemental bollocks?

Or are you thinking you're the better person because you didn't say it?

I am in the states so it is back to work at 8 weeks or 12 if you have a c section so yes the day cares and nurseries do take em young here. The one year mat leave is a luxury most US mums can only dream of.
If you are self employed and paying rent as this person is, then daycare at 2 weeks is more likely to happen
I do think it is hard for people working out their child care but I do understand why people comment as well.
I get people asking me when I will go back to work,.....since that is what they did they expect you should too somehow......you just ignore......different values and all that.

I have 3 DCs. All 3 of them were in nursery FT at 6 months.

When I went back to work after dd was born 14 years ago, I had quite a number of people "concerned", "worried" and "trying to help"
It upset me to the point I began questioning my own decision. Only for a while. Until I looked at my dd, happy and well cared for in nursery, looked at my life, I am very happy in my career, I wouldn't dream of expecting DH to work excessive amounts of hours each week, never spending time with his family in order to support me, when I can do that perfectly well myself and Realised that what other people said was irrelevant.

I do not feel the need to consult my neighbour, checkout person in tesco, person at the school gate or any other random person about life decisions like which house to buy, which car to buy, whether to change jobs, what colour carpet to have, whether to try for a 3rd baby, which mortgage provider to use, nor have I ever come across any of these random people feeling the need to give me this advice.

Therefore my childcare decisions are mine and DHs. No one else has the right to assume they need to "help" or "suggest"

When ds2 went into ft nursery 8 years ago, I still had the same "helpful" comments. But this time I just explained that had I needed advice, help or suggestions from people I wouldn't trust to look after my goldfish then I would have asked. But as I did not,could they kindly concentrate on their own lives and leave me to do the same.

You can tell scriachagirl is a bit resentful that she has not got much help from her dh as he is too work long hours and thats coming out in her comments.

Pit - Not all nurseries are the same

It is funny how the snidey people on this thread keep banging on about individual attention.

I don't think babies benefit from being the constant focus of one-on-one attention. Just as well really, as even SAHPs can't usually provide it. Unless they have no other dc, a housekeeper, a cook, and no friends to hang out with.

Kewcumber's posts put things in perspective. At nursery, dc bond with their keyworkers. IIRC the ratio is one staff member to three babies. Staff are dedicated to caring for these babies and helping them develop. It is what they've been trained to do and what they have chosen as a career.

We will be parents for the rest of our lives. Any decisions we make now have long term implications for our own careers and our ability to support and advise our dc as they grow up.