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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re childcare comments

359 replies

sleepdodger · 01/09/2012 01:17

Im RL and on here alot recently I've been met with gasps when people digest I work ft and then realize DS 17mo is in ft nursery for about 50hrs a week
Do people not realize what full time hours mean?
Why do people assume its ok to question 'couldn't you do pt' etc - presumably no they can't afford it or choose not to...
Often then followed by 'is he (DS) ok there' in hushed tone
Then followed by 'no family able to help?'
It's not been mentioned much until now, he's been in nursery since 10mo but it's starting to get to me a bit :-(

OP posts:
EasilyBored · 01/09/2012 19:15

Why are some people so anti nursery? I have to say I'm not massively comfortable with the idea of a childminder, but lots seen to think it's preferable to nursery?

Also wonder how old all these people with gps who help out are? Im 28, both sets of DS's gps all still work as they're only in their 50s.

StormGlass · 01/09/2012 19:21

It's a good point about it only being mums who get this sort of pressure though.

When I was expecting DS, a number of colleagues made comments or asked questions along the lines of "I bet you won't want to come back to work once baby's here", "Are you going to work part time once baby is born?", "X said she was going to come back to work full time but look, now she's part time / quit"

I've never heard anyone expressing surprise at a dad working full time, or making it clear they expect a soon-to-be dad will ask for part time hours.

bruschetta · 01/09/2012 19:51

Annie: well said.

chandellina · 01/09/2012 20:33

It really peeves me too that these are not questions posed to fathers. I'm going back to work after dc2 and have had so many tiresome conversations about our childcare decisions and my general enthusiasm about work. I have just started to point out that no one asked my husband if he was sad or guilty to go back after paternity leave.

Rubirosa · 01/09/2012 20:37

EasilyBored - I think it depends on the age of the child. For a child 3+, peers are very important and most enjoy socialising in group situations, so a good nursery is ideal. Babies and young toddlers however need to make secure attachments with consistent adults, and it is easier to achieve this with a childminder or nanny. Good group babycare is very difficult to achieve.

MummytoKatie · 01/09/2012 21:13

You get it whatever you decide. I work 3 days a week. Dd is in nursery for about 27 hours a week I guess.

Some people think I work too much. Some people think I don't work enough. Most people assume that I'm an intelligent rational person (as opposed to the sleep deprived mess I really am) who is making the best decision she can for her family.

Sometimes I feel guilty about not being with dd every day. Sometimes I feel guilty about not being at work every day. Most of the time I just get on with my life.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 21:16

Annie, I don't think the things the OP's posted being said to her - 'couldn't you do pt'...'is he (DS) ok there'...'no family able to help?' are necessarily them being downright rude, or that she's wrong and they're judging her, or being insulting, and definitely not insinuating she's damaging her DC!

I know I wasn't there when they said it, and a lot of information can be in the way it's said and what kind of a person the OP knows them to be, but she's interpreted that context as them gasping and saying it with hushed tones.

If the OP's not feeling completely confident about her choice, which tbh she doesn't come across as or she'd not give a monkeys about them gasping about her decision, she could be wrongly interpreting the meaning to just questions that come up in a normal conversation?

I haven't got strong feelings either way, it's just the way the thread's played out made me wonder why a couple of people posting their opinions could be taken as such an intentional slight and they shouldn't post or think what they want.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 01/09/2012 21:20

The big grin my 11 month old gave when he got to nursery and saw one of the girls there (not even his keyworker!) = a happy baby who has formed bonds and feels looked after and loved. He is mainly at cm but I'm very happy with the nursery he will ge going to for some of the week.

SrirachaGirl · 01/09/2012 21:39

YABU. Have just done the math. Your baby is in childcare from 8am until 6pm every weekday? Your acquaintances are being admirably reserved in their line of questioning. Fathers are not subject to the same expectations because human biology is such that women are genetically predisposed to care for tiny offspring. No amount of feminist rhetoric is going to change that.

At that age my children were tucked up in bed by 7:00 pm. So that gives you, what, 45 minutes a day with your child? Nice.

Kewcumber · 01/09/2012 21:43

"women are genetically predisposed to care for tiny offspring" - really? There's a nappy changing gene? Shock Who knew.

holyfishnets · 01/09/2012 21:52

You have your own reasons for having DC in nursery 50 hours a week. It is your own business what you do but actually people are entitled to their opinion too, just as you are entitled to yours. Some people have no choice about childcare I guess but in RL I don't know anyone whose child does that many hours. I read various books (written by psychologists) to help me reflect on what was best for my child.

StormGlass · 01/09/2012 21:55

I'm sure that fathers are also genetically predisposed to care for their own tiny offspring, despite their inability to breastfeed a baby.

janey68 · 01/09/2012 21:58

Grin kewcumber

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 21:59

If there's a nappy changing gene, I haven't got it.

I've done hundreds and I'm still shit at it Grin

DH is much more tidy.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 22:01

Doesn't men's testosterone level fall when they're with their own baby?

Not saying that for any reason like, just thought it was interesting when I heard it.

SrirachaGirl · 01/09/2012 22:11

I haven't got the nappy-changing gene either Grin. I loathe changing diapers (as does DH) but, funnily enough, I found it really hard handing those unpleasant chores over to someone else It wasn't just my children's undergarments that needed attention, you see. Perhaps that's just me!

AnnieLobeseder · 01/09/2012 22:22

Yup, SrirachaGirl. Just you. Hmm

I feel no great need to spend any more time with my children than my husband does. I couldn't wait to get back to work. And funnily enough, my children are just as well adjusted and happy as any other I've ever met.

It's not the people the OP is taking about who I think are so fucking rude it makes my brain ache, it's people on this thread who are telling the OP in no certain terms that they think her choices make her a bad mother.

How dare you? Any of you? Really? Will your condemnation of the OP help her? No, unless she has a rhino hide like me, it will probably only make her feel guilty for making the choices she has. And I'll bet you, she made the very best choice she felt she could. No more or less than you do for your children. So again, how dare you prance around on this thread declaring how you feel yourself a superior parent?

Born2bemild · 01/09/2012 22:25

Some people are missing the point. It is perfectly fine to believe that 50 hours of childcare is not ok. However it is mean for people to give that opinion to the OP of their own volition, when she has not asked for it. Whst do they think they will achieve?
And yes, this is to do with sexism as well.

janey68 · 01/09/2012 22:28

Well said Annie

Yama · 01/09/2012 22:28

SrirachaGirl - I find what you write fairly offensive. Actually I am offended on behalf of my dh, my father and both my brothers. They are not genetically predisposed to care less about babies than their other halves.

Society may have convinced you and the men in your life that men are shite with regards to children but please don't project that onto all men thank you.

Kewcumber · 01/09/2012 22:31

Perhaps the failing of my genes is down to the fact that I adopted my child.

On the other hand - I have seen what 100% of the time institutional care does to a child and I've seen what truly bad parents do to a child. Thankfully no-one has quoted John Bowlby yet because it makes me fucking livid when people trivialise attachment problems by trying to squash professional childcare into his theory.

I really can't get that worked up about a happy child in a decent nursery 8-6, 5 days a week. I do understand that it can be a bit disconcerting that many children do well in full-time childcare and that you really can't tell the difference between those who were in professional childcare 0-3 and those who weren't.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 01/09/2012 22:32

So by the arguements of some people on this thread you should only be allowed to have children if you are either well off enough to not work (or work part time), or unemployed.

What lovely values to pass on to our children. Ds will be going to nursery for about 30 hourd but if circumstances change and I have to go full time I won't suddeny become a bad parent.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2012 22:32

I know what you're saying Annie, that it's the insinuation behind someone deciding to post those remarks on a thread where the OP's said the same thing is what's getting her down.

Maybe it's because I don't feel passionately about it or haven't come across it in RL, but those opinions weren't meant with the same force you're batting them back with.

Unless you're bringing in experiences you've had yourself, I don't see them as prancing round the thread waving their superiority in other posters faces (which gives me images of a bloke windmilling his nob Grin).

What bits were a condemnation of her as a bad mother? (aside from the later posts?)

EnglishGirlApproximately · 01/09/2012 22:34

Gah, can't type on the bloody kindle!

Meglet · 01/09/2012 22:34

Nusery is far more fun than being at home all day. I cannot replicate the attention, fun and stimulation my DC's have at nursery as I have too much to do at home or out on errands. A good nursery is worth it's weight in gold and a child will thrive there.

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