to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

[Sunnydelight]

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

I'm Irish too and I'd do her laundry in with ours - it's not like you're handwashing her knickers, is it? Mind you, if there was something especially embarrassing going on (unmentionable bad stains etc.) would hand it over to your DH and tell him to wash it or handle her himself.

Perhaps because I have been brought up in a family where we help our elders out, and that includes PILs too.

I would do anything for my MIL, and my husband would have done anything for my Mum.

My own mum looked after her MIL when she was ill, and my MIL cared for her own MIL.

Its just the way we are in our families.

presumably though, squeaky, they would do the same for you? OP's case is a little more one sided. Doing everything for someone while they treat you like crap is not family love, its being a doormat.

Oh, okay, well, don't assume everyone is or that they're wrong because of that. Sometimes it's not possible. Plenty of people have very toxic parents or grandparents or even abusive ones.

You see, in the in YANBU camp here, depending on the situation

We're also abroad and have folk staying for long periods of time. My mum does all our washing when she stays here, because me and him are both working full time so she helps out where she can. I don't expect it but it's much appreciated. She certainly wouldn't add to my workload even if she wasn't doing my laundry for me.

His lot, on the other hand, dont like to 'interfere'. To the point of not even putting glasses in the dishwasher. It grates on me no end. So yes, I understand about not wanting to get lumbered with her stuff too. And I definitely wouldn't want to be rifling through other adults undercrackers. It's a bit, well, weird. Would be weird enough for my own parents, never mind his.

Its interesting to see other peoples opinions isnt it.

I would do it, not from a servile point of view, but I do 3/4 washes a week and if your on holiday you are unlikely to be creating a full load of darks whites etc and you have limited clothes so probably have to wash more freqently than normal.

Will no one think of the environment?

I would expect a bit of help elsewhere with a month stay, tidying, helping to cook and dishes. But asking someone to do their own laundry, to me, seems a bit petty.

I would under no circumstances IRON it. Thats the hard work.

I can understand your frustrations sunnyD, but have to echo other posters that surely it's not a big deal? (I'm guessing she has done plenty of laundry for your DH in his time lol). It is a very very long and expensive flight so personally I wouldn't expect pressies too. (Also there's the packing issue too... she may have been worried about weight restrictions etc.)
It sounds like you find it quite stressful having her for long stays, but this is one of the things that comes hand in hand with choosing to live such a long way away from family IMO. Sorry - hope this does not sound harsh! Maybe chuck a red sock in with her whites just to let off some steam :-) (only joking).
And I can't help but also point out... she IS related to you, she is your DCs GM (sorreeee!).

And plenty of mothers seem to have very toxic DILs too ExPat. :(

Your MIL is BU for assuming you'll do it, you are BU for refusing to add it to the family's laundry.

Try saying "I'm doing a light 30 degree, is there anything you'd like washed?"

That way you look like a good hostess, and she might stop treating you like a servant.

"Perhaps because I have been brought up in a family where we help our elders out, and that includes PILs too."

Maybe if the MIL has brought her son up this way HE could do her laundry?

I do my MILs laundry with ours when she comes to stay - she hangs it out for me. Same as she does ours when we (family of 4) stay with her.

"when I do my washing at home I sort through and take mine out and wash it. I leave DH's for him. Does this make me a dick?"

Well- based in that statement alone, yes!

If I didn't do this then I would be the only person doing any washing. We both work so why should I do ALL the washing?

"How did it get in the basket then?"

I put it there to get it off the floor.
I used to wash, iron and put away my DH's clothes. Then I had a baby and went back to work full time. That's when I realised that it was really not ok for me to be doing all his laundry when he's a grown adult with arms and legs. So I told him that from now on he can do his own washing.
I do remove it from the floor because it irritates me but I don't feel it's my job to sort take it out of the basket and wash and iron it.
I am trying to drop the wife-work. It doesn't make sense for me to be doing a full time job, a child's washing and that of my DH's too.

I often have guests stay over and nobody has ever expected me to do their laundry for them! They know where the utility room is and they are more than welcome to use it, even if there is only a couple of items, I'd prefer that then them putting their stuff in with mine and I certainly wouldn't do it for them. I've never had a host do my laundry for me either. That's just weird. If people are going to stay with you, they should make themselves at home and at home you do your own washing.

I don't think ybu, tell her you don't mind if the washing machine or dryer is half empty, she washes and dries her own clothes. Or let your husband can do it.

My MIL lives with us because she has dementia. Don't know how old OP's MIL is, but she should do her own washing. If she lives long enough, eventually someone else will do it, but as an ADULT without any huge calls on her time, she should do her own.

I would NEVER mix MILs clothes with ours. I'm sorry, but there is a peculiar old-person smell (part talc, part their own skin cells) that give off a whiff.

I don't want, for myself and my children, to smell of eau de carehome. There is nothing you can do about the smell.

Maybe OP doesn't want to smell like her MIL and some people use use quite a lot of perfume and whatnot, and their clothes reek of it.

I now realise I am a little odd (DH calls it orafactory hysteria, but he has no sense of smell whatsoever), because I don't wash other people's stuff with ours (well, only childrens playdate stuff). Because dirty clothes harbour lots of dead skin cells,and stuff.

After I've done a wash for MIL, I always do a 90 degree empty wash to get the smell out of the drum too..

So, OP should stand firm against communal washing pressure.

Does he go to work too DF?

it just sounds very petty to only wash your own and him to do his own...

Do you only cook for yourself too and he does his own?

I don't want, for myself and my children, to smell of eau de carehome. There is nothing you can do about the smell.

my o my!

kate2mum

Wow. Just wow. Are you being serious?

My mouth has fallen open. Like this O.

Kate2mum, that is quite frankly odd. If clothes are still coming out of your machine smelling of talc (or skin cells ???wtf???), then they are not being washed properly.

minds like this
o
o
o
o

thank feck it isnt just me that found Kates post utterly bonkers, and quite derogatory too..

I love the expression "arms hanging". For that alone, YANBU.

Seriously though, this is a delicate dance. The correct procedure in my opinion is this:

You: "I'm putting a wash on. Would you like to put yours in?"
Your MIL: "Really? yes please I do have a couple of things. Do you mind if I go and get them?"

[she places in machine, you avert your eyes]
[you avert your eyes when hanging it out unless she has got to the machine before you by hovering beside it, or setting an alarm if night time]

Am I weird?

Wow, x-post with Kate2mum. I feel less weird.