to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

[Sunnydelight]

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

Get those little nipper things made of metal. God forbid that anyone should have to touch an old persons disgusting trousers.

Kate2mum, you do put your kids stuff in with yours though? You wouldn't want your children having to walk around smelling like eau de psycho...

Why are we giving a person who is living with someone with dementia are hard time? It's very very hard to live with someone affected by this disease.

If she has issues with the laundry, so what?

I think it was the way she poke about her rather than the laundry

So, I'm guessing no one here washes daily clothes/sheets that have been soiled by someone elderly? Not quite the same as a toddler.

And yes, there is a smell. Can't just buy new clothes as they will be refused as belonging to someone else.

But, ok, I'm weird. And possibly different from washing normal clothes so maybe no so relevant to OP, who still shouldn't be having to wash MIL's clothes.

Apparently not, kate, just a bunch of saints who see any DIL as toxic .

There is nothing wrong about having issues with laundry. We all have our little peculiarities after all.

But the eau de care home comment was not very pleasant.

I know that its very admirable to care for an elderly relative but it dosent mean you can say old people stink without causing a .. stink.

Kate seriously, there is a difference probably with your MIL and the average older person.

We don't know how old this lady is but she is flying from France so must be reasonably spritly.

I do a lot of my grandads laundry and he has soiling issues. Thats different.

grow up op

She can say whatever she wants! I don't envy her her lot and certainly am not in a position to get judgey about someone doing such a stressful job.

No Kate, you didnt mention soiled laundry. Anyone would wash that separately on a very hot wash anyway.

I think the mere fact that Kate2mum is caring for her MIL with dementia is enough to excuse her any laundry for the rest of her entire life. Entirely different scenario. Good for you Kate, you must be a very special person.

Not everyone is saying that expat I just think it would be easier if OP wants her to help out to ask for help with cooking and dishes and chores and not necessarily separating out her own clothes for a wash So Im not saying she is toxic at all.

Well, I was trying to be witty - but I can see I have managed offensive.

Apologies to OP for random hijack of thread without thinking it is completely different..

kate this thread is totally off the wall anyway!

OP is the laundry problem down to the way your MiL speaks to you? Does she generally treat you like an inferior being, and the laundry issue is the one area where you can put your foot down? As far as the task itself is concerned, my attitude would be 'when in Rome' - so I would be guided by my hosts' wishes re: washing my own smalls

I do think the metal pincers are a good idea btw.

MIL had them to pick things off the floor after an op.

There is no way on God's earth I would wash my MIL's grundies for her. No way. I'd offer her the use of the washing machine- I'd be happy for her to do small loads- but no way would I do laundry for an able bodied woman. And likewise, I would never expect my MIL (or mother or in fact any one but me) to wash my smalls. You are not being U, OP.

Grundies! Haven't heard that for a while.

I think it's very easy to excuse certain situations when it comes to ILs if you happen to have lovely ones. It sounds like the OP has problems with her MIL.

I personally can't imagine staying in someones home for a whole month and not offer to do a load of washing every now and again, let alone refusing point blank to do so when asked.

There is pettiness from both side here IMO.

I think you are hugely underestimating the cultural gulf between your French MIL and your Irish self.

There would appear to be.

Logistically, if you offer to run some things through the wash I would expect her to put the grundies actually in the machine and not have to pick them out of a laundry basket, I would not want my MIL fishing about in my dirty laundry, Id bring it out.

OP didn't flounce, though. She didn't have a hissy fit or tell people they were wrong/evil/cruel. She listened, accepted the consensus was against her, but didn't want to read page after page of being told off after that point, so bowed out. Surely it's a sane response? It isn't obligatory to listen to everything people say, and even pretty stupid if they are being accusatory after she's already conceded the point, and it's getting to her. Why would/should anyone do that?

And blimey, a month? With a MIL you don't like and does sweet FA to help around the house? No wonder the laundry's the thin end of the wedge.

I think this thread shows the OP that there is a vast chasm of opinion on the matter. Washing seems to be a more emotive subject than I ever thought.

And I would be expecting some help from the lady over the month, or I would in fact be asking my husband to wash her knick knacks.

So she isnt being totally U at all I dont think.

Maybe just say feel free to help yourself to anything in the house, and please, don't wait to be asked just put a wash on whenever you want. I wouldn't find that rude if I were her.

Yeah, I must say if her husband is so certain this is just cultural and it's totally normal in their French eyes... then problem solved. He can wash his mother's clothes, and leave his DW out of it. The visitor is, after all, his mother, and washing machines don't test for operator gender before working.