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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 30/08/2012 13:28

I don't particularly want anyone else to do my laundry, and as for mixing it in so that dil has to sort it or wash it....it's a power game isn't it?

Not really about laundry, about forcing dil to take a subservient role.

I gather they don't get on.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 13:30

My friend came for 3 weeks from the USA, to stay with us. A friend, not a distant relative, certainly not a close relative... and I showed her the laundry basket in the bathroom, and said "just chuck your stuff in there, I will wash it with ours"... A pair of someone elses knickers did not gross me out.. and unless the underwear was covered in shit or blood, I honestly cannot see why an item of underwear would offend anyone.

seeker · 30/08/2012 13:33

But sorting it out and putting bit back in the basket is

A) more time consuming than doing it
B) involves touching it more than doing it
C) is incredibly passive aggressive
D) the behaviour of a dick. I hate calling other women's behaviour dickish, but sometimes there is no other word.

QuenelleOJersey2012 · 30/08/2012 13:33

I think a good host would offer to put their laundry in with the household's. But a good guest wouldn't insist they did.

Does she help out in other ways when she's there? If she's able I think it would be only fair to help out if she's staying for as long as a month.

Don't know why I'm saying this if OP's already hidden the thread though...

ExitStencilist · 30/08/2012 13:35

Offering to do the washing of a friendly guest is the norm.

someone you don't like who hates you too insisting you do their washing..not so much.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2012 13:36

Summary:

OP was (mostly) disagreed with, didn't explain the backstory and has flounced off hidden this thread (apparantly).
Everyone is now arguing amongst themselves.

HTH

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 13:38

Oh I bet the OP hasnt really hidden the thread...

I just feel sorry for the husband and his mother to be honest.

God help the poor woman if she ever needs any sort of help as she gets older, because I cant see the OP being willing to provide any sort of care.

I would also have thought an adult woman would probably understand that an older adult woman might feel a bit undignified about her adult son washing her underwear, and have a bit of compassion too.

Kewcumber · 30/08/2012 13:39

I can barely manage my own washing - no-one would have the patience to wait for me to do their's if they were staying a month.

I do think expecting to be waited on for a whiole month is a leetle bit of a stretch. I suspect your irritation at doing her washing is symptomatic of your wider irritation.

Let your DH do it - problem solved.

Fiveflowers · 30/08/2012 13:40

I don't consider doing someone else's laundry 'subservient'. Nor would I pick out her laundry if she put it in with mine.

It's far more convenient (and adult) just to do the washing altogether, surely?

I know the OP has hidden this but just wanted to say SIBU and it's a non-issue imho.

ExitStencilist · 30/08/2012 13:41

"I would also have thought an adult woman would probably understand that an older adult woman might feel a bit undignified about her adult son washing her underwear, and have a bit of compassion too."

Then maybe she should wash her own? Compassion? Expecting to be waited on and everything paid for her for a month, and you think she needs even more? Jaysus, must be open season in your house.

seeker · 30/08/2012 13:44

And she's not q guest ffs- she's your husband's mother!!!!!!!

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 13:46

Open season? Not really, I just think it a shame that an elderly parent who has travelled for over 24 hours on planes to come to visit her son and his children and probably doesnt see them very often is being treated like an unwelcome visitor.

As the OP has decided not to expand on why she dislikes her MIL so much or give any real reason for such pettyness, it is hard to say she is not being unreasonable as far as I can see.

DuelingFanjo · 30/08/2012 13:47

" the behaviour of a dick. I hate calling other women's behaviour dickish, but sometimes there is no other word. "

when I do my washing at home I sort through and take mine out and wash it. I leave DH's for him. Does this make me a dick? Oh well. We're both adults, I figure he knows how to do his even if he doesn't know how to put it into the basket in the first place.

BuntyPenfold · 30/08/2012 13:47

But it seems mil insists that dil will do her laundry - it's not about laundry, it's about who's top dog.

GreenEyesAndHam · 30/08/2012 13:50

As the OP has decided not to expand on why she dislikes her MIL so much or give any real reason for such pettyness, it is hard to say she is not being unreasonable as far as I can see

That's not fair. Perhaps she just doesn't want to air her dirty laundry in public.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 30/08/2012 13:51

I love mumsnet. Its gone from old ladies keks to calling folk dicks in the space of a few pages.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 13:51

"when I do my washing at home I sort through and take mine out and wash it. I leave DH's for him. Does this make me a dick? Oh well. We're both adults, I figure he knows how to do his even if he doesn't know how to put it into the basket in the first place"

How did it get in the basket then? Confused

I cannot believe anyone would sort through the dirty washing and only wash their own, leaving their spouses stuff still in there.. that is just weird. And bloody wasteful of electric, water, and detergent too.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 30/08/2012 13:53

Unless husband has "form" as a lazy bones. I have previously threatened this but never followed through.

Fanj your a hard woman.

ExitStencilist · 30/08/2012 13:53

not remotely wasteful if you make a full load of your own.

seeker · 30/08/2012 13:55

"when I do my washing at home I sort through and take mine out and wash it. I leave DH's for him. Does this make me a dick?"

Well- based in that statement alone, yes!

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 30/08/2012 13:56

I just do the whites, darks and colours.

whoevers they may be.

Peace N Love.

Fanjo how comes you both do your own, I am curious and nosy.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 30/08/2012 13:57

I think I've missed something really obvious here.

Why is it OP's responsibility to do MIL's laundry? Assuming MIL is guest, and her laundry should therefore be done out of politeness, why can husband not do it? Do they have a washing machine that cannot be operated by people with a Y chromosome?

BigRedIndiaRubberBall · 30/08/2012 14:02

Squeaky - why is it undignified for your adult son to be washing your smalls, but not your adult DIL?

Have been following this thread with interest, as although I would be happy to do my MIL's laundry (and have washed the odd bit of hers), if the OP does have a problem with it, I don't see why she should be expected to. I'm with those who say an extended stay makes you a temporary member of the household, not a guest, and so you pull your weight accordingly.

With that in mind, why not put her clothes in with yours, then leave them wet, in a basket, on her bed for her to sort out the rest? A little PA perhaps, but not as much as putting your stuff in the laundry basket after specifically being asked not to.

seeker · 30/08/2012 14:02

Well, the op seems to be the person who does the washing in the family. I do the washing in our family. I don't Hoover, or clean bathrooms. But I do washing and washing up. And I would do any visitor's washing as well. And I would also wash up the plate they ate off. Would people think it is reasonable for the Op to leave her mil's dirty crockery and cutlery out of the family washing up!0?

expatinscotland · 30/08/2012 14:02

How do we know she's elderly? She could be in her 50s for all we know.

Some people find touching other peoples' laundry gross, the way others find wearing shoes in the house gross.

Horses for courses.

'God help the poor woman if she ever needs any sort of help as she gets older, because I cant see the OP being willing to provide any sort of care.'

Why should she? Good grief! She married her DH not his mother.