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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
MadgeHarvey · 30/08/2012 20:49

I'm sourcing it to list on Ebay as we speak.............

Roll up! Roll up! Send me all your rellies knickers now!

ThatWasOneFatAssCatThere · 30/08/2012 20:50

If I go to someone's house for a month I don't expect them to pay for everything and do y laundry..especially if they said they didnt want to. And I certainly wouldn't expect my dil to do it if I needed it done by someone else for some reason. Her son can do her fucking laundry.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 30/08/2012 20:53

Forgive me, but there be fanny batter in pants. It has to be said.

catsrus · 30/08/2012 20:57

"Why would people in the same house do separate laundry though?"

oh snog a two word answer "teenage girls" Grin They are all similar sizes and have similar tastes and pass on clothes to each other anyway - I totally lost track of what belonged to who and they argued over the best items and I found my favourite, most expensive, T shirt being used as a night shirt after I let one of them do the sorting When they were little and I bought their clothes it was much easier and I did the laundry, but now in the days of them buying their own I have no idea whose is whose stuff.

So they each do their own - they do shift stuff from the machine to the dryer though not being helpful to each other, just to make room for their stuff

Having said that I used to do my mother's washing for her, and have just had a stream of elderly visitors and I had no problems handing their smalls in and out of the washer and dryer - though I did do them separately as I noted at least one of them uses the same brand of comfy Bridget Jones style undies as me ConfusedBlush

seeker · 30/08/2012 21:02

"seeker - no, i am not joking. i am reporting accurately so that the o p knows that someone knows a little about where she's coming from on this."

Love bunny- who does the boy's washing?

ceres · 30/08/2012 21:09

"I'm Irish (of the Southern variety) and there is absolutely no way on God's green earth that I would do a visitor's laundry. No way. Not my mother's. Not my MIL's. Nobody's.
Maybe it is a cultural thing."

also irish. i don't think it is cultural - if people are staying i have no problem doing their laundry. it's no big deal, the washing machine is on anyway. if they prefer to do it themselves that's fine too.

really can't see the issue. do you expect guests to wash the sheets and towels they have used during their stay? they have dead skin cells and bodily fluids on too!

lovebunny · 30/08/2012 21:09

i'd imagine they do their own, seeker. why would anyone want to do boy's laundry?

vvviola · 30/08/2012 21:18

squeakytoy I certainly wouldn't expect MIL to bring a gift to me if she was visiting, but I would be a little surprised if she didn't put something small in her case for her grandchildren that she only sees once a year (and if it were my kids, a roll of sweets and a couple of stickers would be plenty, not exactly going to break the bank)

Snog · 30/08/2012 21:18

Bit OCD surely to be paranoid/revolted by placing another persons smalls in your machine?

maddening · 30/08/2012 21:24

if there is bad blood with the op then it is a power play on part of mil - her son the op's dh should do it

seeker · 30/08/2012 21:28

I'm really struggling to understand this, love bunny. Are you saying that everybody, including prepubescent children, should don their own laundry, discreetly? And this is decent qnd respectable behaviour?

Incidentally, your original post talked about girls only-which is why I asked about boys. I would put money on the thought that in communities that think this way about girls, boys washing is done for them- probably by the those very girls.

DuelingFanjo · 30/08/2012 21:33

Doing separate washing is not uneconomical. I wait until I have enough stuff for a load and then I wash it. DH waits until he has nothing else to wear and then he washes everything he can find. The machine is nicely full each time.

BigRedIndiaRubberBall · 30/08/2012 21:38

Do we know that the OP doesn't want to do the laundry because she's grossed out by the fanny butter? I thought it was more to do with being treated like a skivvy?

(I am loving this thread though, it's a gift that just keeps giving Grin)

Snog · 30/08/2012 21:43

DuellIng presumably if you each wait to fill a load with your own stuff your laundry turnaround time is slower than if you washed together?

ZillionChocolate · 30/08/2012 22:07

I've just slogged through 14 pages, but I have learned the charming phrase "fanny batter". Thanks Pickles! Hmm

For what it's worth, if I'm a guest I'd like to do my own laundry (if I have enough) or add it to the machine myself. We don't have many visitors to stay, but I have done laundry for a few and have felt slightly odd about seeing DH's mates pants. They didn't ask though, I offered. When my dad was staying with us regularly, he'd put his work shirt in the wash, and I would have it ironed ready for the next visit but he'd take his underwear home. I suppose clean pants and socks are easy to chuck in a bag.

I don't think OP was being unreasonable, this sounds symptomatic of bigger problems. I would always offer to help out if I was staying. I would expect offers of help from guests staying more than a week. I'm not up for waiting on people hand and foot, I'd rather they stayed in a hotel which might come up to standard.

ZillionChocolate · 30/08/2012 22:09

BTW I know a couple who do their own laundry separately. I've always though it was a bit odd, but if it works for them, fair enough. He only ever wears black so I doubt it's inefficient.

HomeEcoGnomist · 30/08/2012 22:10

I would personally prefer to do the washing rather than let someone use my machine.
My mum used to ' help me out' if she stayed for a few days, by doing the washing when I was at work. The amount of detergent she used used to drive me spare! At least 3 x actual dose; used to cost me a fortune.

I genuinely don't understand married couples each doing their own washing. Is it really that horrific a job...I am assuming you're not having to take it down to the river. Washing v doing the bins - no contest...

RightFedUp · 30/08/2012 22:11

PMSL at this thread.

When I was young and dinosaurs roamed the earth, my gran used to slop clothes from the 'wash' part of the twin tub to the 'spin' part using 18inch wooden laundry tongs.

If one could acquire a pair of those, a nice pair of laundry wellies, fisherman's mac and sou'wester, welding mask and gauntlets, it might be possible to approach even quite rancid undercrackers with some dregree of equanimity. No?

Best get one of those grips then. And some manners.

Beamae · 30/08/2012 22:17

The gift doesn't need to be expensive, squeakytoy. It's a thoughtful gesture. My parents in law bring gifts (usually wine) when they come to stay and they are a couple of hours away so just for a weekend visit. Even my grandma in law brings me something little when she stays. We are from very different cultures so it seems to me to be good manners universally. And grandparents should always, always spoil their grandchildren. Especially when they live abroad and only see them every now and again!

OnceICaughtAFishAlive · 30/08/2012 22:18

www.dunelm-mill.com/shop/pack-of-3-wash-bags-123287?utm_source=google&utm_medium=googleshopping&utm_campaign=gshopping

ask her to put her smalls into a laundry wash bag, therefore her stuff is contained until clean

iggi777 · 30/08/2012 22:22

It is a mean granny indeed who would visit grandchildren without so much as a kinder surprise in her pocket.
The kind of mean granny who forces her DIL to do her washing even though said DIL has a hang up about it.

RightFedUp · 30/08/2012 22:23

Once that's segregation that is! Wink

lovebunny · 30/08/2012 22:36

seeker, you do harp on. i told you what, i told you why, i told you what boys do. now, any further discussion, you need to have with someone else because laundry really doesn't interest me.

Longdistance · 30/08/2012 22:36

We've had various visitors since we moved to Oz. I've never actually done any of their washing. I've just showed them the way in which it works.

They've never asked me to do it. I've simply stated that 'don't bring loads of clothes as YOU can use the washing machine'.

irishchic · 30/08/2012 22:38

My BIL, SIL and their 12 week old baby stayed with us over the summer for 2 weeks. I washed all their stuff, boxers, pants, babygros etc and ironed some of their stuff too, and piled their laundry in with ours when necessary.

Why? Because they are guests, i wanted them to relax and not have to worry about housework. They really appreciated it which was nice.

Other peoples laundry is not radioactive. The OP is being a tit about this.

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