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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 30/08/2012 17:15

What about the dirty pants? Should the lady not at least pop them in the machine? That is a consideration.

I would be loathe to have someone fiddle with my under crackers.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 30/08/2012 17:20

I would and do always offer to do other peoples laundry while they stayed, but I'd be taken aback if they took it for granted that I would do it. Most people would go through the motions of 'are you sure, that's very kind, I don't mind doing my own....' I would think.

Ilovedaintynuts · 30/08/2012 17:24

What a horrible OP.
You really thought you were being reasonable to be that petty and nasty?

Your poor DH.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 17:46

I am a great believer in what goes around, comes around. DCs do as you do so if you are not kind, friendly and welcoming to very close family members (grandmothers) they take it in as the norm and will do the same when they are the parent and you are the 'nuisance'. To begrudge a bit of washing when they have come halfway across the world to see you seems very petty and mean.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 17:48

I'm sure that some women like to imagine that DH is a foundling and they can have him alone, without his family!

WinkyWinkola · 30/08/2012 18:22

But also to do sweet FA to help in the house if you're staying for a month is also bang out of order too, isn't it?

expatinscotland · 30/08/2012 18:31

Reading many of the responses here, I can see why so many women have a horrible relationship with their MILs.

expatinscotland · 30/08/2012 18:32

And if what goes around comes around, my MIL is sitting before a loaded cannon.

2rebecca · 30/08/2012 18:37

I'm amazed so many people won't just grab a pile of washing containing pants and put them in the wash. Many people's socks can be smellier than their pants and most people's pants don't get particularly dirty.
It seems almost a phobia for some people. Can't you just wash your hands afterwards?
Agree you could just ask her to put her stuff in the machine and then you press the buttons if that's the bit that makes her anxious if she's there for a month she can save her stuff up for a full load if you really don't want your clothes mixing with hers, although asking your husband to do it is as easy, I presume he can work the machine.
I wonder if the women who won't touch pants are the same ones who are continually washing towels? You could always put rubber gloves on when handling the washing and pretend it's in case some of the detergent splashes your hands when loading the machine. It does seem a major fuss over nothing to me.

perfectstorm · 30/08/2012 18:40

"I should take care with attitudes, if you think that your DCs grandmother is nothing to do with you, your DCs are likely to get the message and cut you out in the future when they have their own family."

Or alternatively they'll think it normal to have Granny to visit for a month solid? Because far from cutting anyone out, that's what the OP does for her MIL. 1 day and night in 12 annually, the OP's grandchildren have their Granny living in their house with them. Seems a perfectly reasonable time allocation to me. I do hope the women here who are fuming with the OP have their own very difficult MIL to visit for four week solid blocks of time, despite a long history of antipathy on both sides. If not, they're being a tad hypocritical.

The OP hates washing other adults' clothes. Not something I mind myself, and I always do guest's clothes personally, but she does, and this is a family member on an extended visit. If I stayed somewhere a month, and a family member hosting me said this was a pet hate and would I mind using the machine myself when washing, I wouldn't insist they did it for me. How is that not rude?

I do think it's a bit U not to do laundry for guests. But I think it even more U for a guest who is there for a month to refuse to do their own, if asked.

lovebunny · 30/08/2012 18:48

no, you are not being unreasonable, you are being decent and respectable.

laundry is a serious matter for some people. clearly not for many here, and that's fine. but for others, it is important.

girls do their own laundry from the earliest indications of the approach of puberty. after that, no other woman washes for them. they do their own, and discreetly.

that is how i was brought up. i wouldn't was any other woman's clothes and i wouldn't expect her to wash mine.

my daughter's upbringing was a little less formal but she is a very discreet person anyway.

seeker · 30/08/2012 18:56

Lovebunny- please tell me you are joking? Or do you make sure your daughter doesn't touch the milk cartons or let her shadow fall on anyone while she's menstruating. Oh, and do boys have to do their own washing discreetly too or is it ok for adult women to wash their pants?

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 19:05

If you live on the other side of the world they have to stay a month to make it worthwhile. I dare say OP wouldn't like it any better if they lived nearby, never had them to stay but saw them every week.
I just don't understand why people are so precious about a bit of washing-how difficult is it just to bung it in with yours? Confused

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 19:08

girls do their own laundry from the earliest indications of the approach of puberty. after that, no other woman washes for them. they do their own, and discreetly

How weird-it must be a different culture-mine went in the family wash at home and now it goes in with our family wash-other women can certainly wash for me-if they offer! My knickers went in the same wash as my brother's underpants as we were growing up.

perfectstorm · 30/08/2012 19:18

"If you live on the other side of the world they have to stay a month to make it worthwhile."

My father and sibs live in Australia, and I have never stayed longer than 2 weeks. I wouldn't have expected that of my stepmothers. It's their home, and they were being good enough to have me to visit.

Horses for courses on what is bad and good manners.

CoteDAzur · 30/08/2012 19:23

"girls do their own laundry from the earliest indications of the approach of puberty"

Where on earth is this the norm?

MollyMurphy · 30/08/2012 19:25

Well I'm obviously in the minority but I think all adults should do their own laundry guests or not. I make my husband do his own generally too. Asking her to wash her own laundry and having her outright refuse would be irritating and I don't blame you for venting OP. Still, I see everyone's point - not really the end of the world. I wouldn't pick that as a hill to die on IYKWIM?

I would expect a guest staying for a whole month to try to pitch in a little without needing to be asked...just minor things like offering the odd dish wash etc. Your a host not a maid.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 19:25

I would certainly expect really close family members to stay more than 2 weeks-I know several local families where they go and visit for far longer than a month!

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 19:27

In our house the person who thinks about it just gets a load and bungs it in. We don't separate it and do our own. DH is far better at keeping on top of it than me-I would think that I had married the wrong person if he just put his personal washing in!

3monkeys3 · 30/08/2012 19:28

I have read page 1 and page 12. I don't think I would like to do someone from outside my own immediate family's laundry (immediate family meaning dh and dc), but wouldn't refuse or make a big deal about it if they expected it. My sil once did a load of washing when she was babysitting for us and I was livid when I realised she'd been through our washing basket and had obviously seen/handled my knickers (didn't say anything to her though) - I guess some people are a bit funny about this and others can't see the issue, a bit like pooing in public loos.

I do think you should be kinder to your mil though - I agree with those who say what goes around comes around. My mil is nice enough but a bit irritating and we don't have much on common but I do my best to be kind to her as I am very aware that 2 out of 3 of my dc are boys and one day I will be a mother in law. I want to see my sons and my grandchildren and have a close relationship with them as adults, so I make an effort with my mil and would definitely relent on an issue like this, that really doesn't matter in the scheme of things.

CoteDAzur · 30/08/2012 19:29

"I make my husband do his own generally too"

Assuming you have sex with your husband and therefore touch his ass & genitals, how much worse can it be to handle his clothes? I'm genuinely puzzled by this.

Does he have a separate basket for his own dirty clothes?

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 19:29

If I was going to stay with my father and siblings I would be rather upset if I was classed as a guest and they didn't want me for more than a fortnight.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 19:32

MN is a revelation to me! I think this is why it is so addictive. I could never get my head around the person who started a thread because their MIL had brought the washing in when it started to rain (horror-they saw their knickers!) and now we have the fact that people can only do their own washing and some don't even want to do it if it is the immediate family-never mind poor MIL who can't carry enough clothes to do without having a bit of washing done!

perfectstorm · 30/08/2012 19:34

My stepmothers didn't know me as a child, and barely as an adult. Their feelings and wishes matter too, and their hospitality was something I was grateful for and had no intention of abusing. And both my (much younger) sibs live in shared houses, so their friends also don't need people visiting endless lengths of time.

Surely ignoring that aspect to any visit would be rude?

MollyMurphy · 30/08/2012 19:34

I don't have a problem with my husbands laundry and will sometimes throw his in too. BUT since I generally end up doing the kids clothes, my own, the bedding, the towels et all....I hardly think it a big deal for him to haul his own load down and do it himself? Its not like I'm home all day - we both work full time. Doing your husbands laundry is not a big deal, but not doing isn't really either IMO.

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