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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to flatly refuse to do MIL's laundry when she comes to stay.

422 replies

Sunnydelight · 30/08/2012 07:58

I really need to know.

Last time MIL came to stay for a month (we're in Oz) it all turned toxic, but one of my issues was her insistence that I should do her laundry. She must be the only grandmother to three who ever got off a plane from the UK with her arms hanging, and spent a total of $20 in a month. Fine, I can live with that BUT when she kept on saying "I'll just give you my laundry" and I kept on saying "no, you need to do your own washing, here is the washing machine and this is how it works" it just drove me nuts. She eventually mixed her laundry with ours so I had no choice but I really think that adult women should not expect other adult women to wash their smalls.

She's coming again at Christmas AHHHHHHHH for a month which was forced on me but I can live with it. DH and I had a conversation last night about us having to be more upfront this time about what kind of behaviour is unacceptable, but as part of it he casually mentioned "we'll tell her we'll do her laundry and she needs to....". First of all what's this "we" shit as clearly that will be me, but I DO NOT WANT TO WASH HER CLOTHES and said so. When I explained how wrong it was for a woman who has had her own family to expect another adult woman (who she does not "employ" and she is not related to) to do her laundry I got the "that's your cultural expectations" line. I'm Irish btw so nothing massively exotic to her French. I'm not doing her fucking laundry so AIBU?

OP posts:
AllYoursBabooshka · 30/08/2012 15:27

I would be expecting some too.

I have a lovely MIL and know if she ever came to stay with us she would help out, in fact she would probably faff over all of us the whole time. I would do her washing no problem and anything else she needed.

If, however I had a MIL who I had a sour history with and knew would come and do nothing the whole time I think I would resent having to wash her smalls it too.

DuelingFanjo · 30/08/2012 15:56

'Does he go to work too DF?'

yes, well.. he's just lost his job but up until yesterday he was working full time. Maybe in his spare time he can start doing the family washing?
Cooking a meal...? we both muck in, sometmes he cooks, sometimes I cook, sometimes we get a take-away.

Doing the laundry is much more time consuming and I can count on one hand the times my DH has done my washing. After many many months of doing all his I decided 'enough! I don't want to do all this anymore' and as he clearly wasn't going to take it in turns to do everyone's washing I decided to just tell him that I wouldn't be doing his anymore. Just like I don't do his ironing.

DuelingFanjo · 30/08/2012 15:58

and... when and if I am a mother in law there is absolutely no way that I would ever rock up at a visit to my son't house and expect him to do my washing for me.

butterfingerz · 30/08/2012 16:01

The woman is not the OP's guest, it is her husbands. Maybe the MIL has bullied the OP something chronic.

A DIL is not a slave, give the MIL's washing to the husband to do, problem solved.

Perhaps the OP has children to look after, a job to go to, and resents this woman, who she doesn't particularly like, adding to her workload.

It seems quite old fashioned for the poor OP to be expected to wait on the MIL for a whole month while seemingly the husband gets off scot free according to most of MN.

seeker · 30/08/2012 16:04

"the woman"

Dear God- this is her children's grandmother! the woman who gave birth to the person she loves more than anyone else in the world!

butterfingerz · 30/08/2012 16:09

Yeah, fair enough, lots of people love their MIL's, but the OP said there is a history of 23yrs worth of abuse.

I also have a son, so when I eventually end up with a DIL, I'd never dream of doing anything to make her feel like the OP does. And I would never expect any member of my family, blood or IL waiting on me like a slave, guest or not.

Theres obviously a backstory that we don't know about.

MagdalenaAlec · 30/08/2012 16:12

I can confirm it is not normal in our "French eyes" to ask someone to do your laundry (why would it be??).

When my British Mil visits us, we let her know what is going to be washed, she puts her things with ours. Last one to put an item in the machine turns it on. First to hear the "end sound", hangs the clothes (and that is usually Mil as I pretend I do not Blush Grin). Simple.

< realizes I have not hanged clothes for 3 weeks, i.e. since she has arrived.. >

Schnarkle · 30/08/2012 16:15

It seems quite old fashioned for the poor OP to be expected to wait on the MIL for a whole month while seemingly the husband gets off scot free according to most of MN.

It's as if when the son gets married the wife becomes some sort of default carer for the PIL and the son watches on. WTF

Do her knickers OP and get a special clothes horse to leave out in the middle of the garden for them to dry naturally and for her to collect at her leisure.

butterfingerz · 30/08/2012 16:16

And I'm guessing maybe the OP is not loving her DH more than anything in the world right now!

CaliforniaLeaving · 30/08/2012 16:19

I did my Mums laundry when she came to visit for 3 months the other year, and in return she did all my ironing (happy dance)
What was really funny, after she had gone home, Dh pulled out the washing machine to paint the walls, and there was a pair of her knickers that had got away Grin Dh was killing himself laughing, I washed them and stuck them in the drawer with the other clothes she left behind by accident and she picked them all up on the next visit.

seeker · 30/08/2012 16:20

I'm not saying the Dil should be obliged to do her mil's washing. I'm saying that whoever normally does the washing should be able to add an extra person's to the load without it being a ridiculous drama. If it's the op, then she does it. if ti's her dp thenbhe should.

I am too much of a greennhippy to think that is is even remotely sensible, or even morally defensible to do separate loads for different people.

perfectstorm · 30/08/2012 16:21

I think camels, straws and backs are really the issue here, seeker, rather than the laundry.

usualsuspect · 30/08/2012 16:21

When do MILs become 'this woman' instead of your partners Mother then?

NellyJob · 30/08/2012 16:24

YABU what's a few more dirty clothes when the machine is in action anyway?

butterfingerz · 30/08/2012 16:28

OP said in her post, Seeker, that it is unlikely that her DH will do the washing, maybe it is part of his french 'cultural expectations' that men don't do laundry... not even their own mothers.

Note to self - teach son it is not a woman-only job to press a few buttons on a washing machine.

ExitStencilist · 30/08/2012 16:31

when you hate them, usual.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 30/08/2012 16:35

If she was a nice helpful lady who chips in and helps about the house then yes YABU

If she is a not very nice lady who comes and sits on her bum expecting waitress service and the like (and I have some relatives like that) and she is insisting on you doing her washing then I can see why its annoying.

I stay with MIL and offer to help cook, do drying and putting dishes away always tidy up before going bed and the like.

If I needed a wash on I wouldnt say oy love heres my grundies. I would probably say let me know when your next putting a wash on, Id like to pop some things in if thats ok.

I think its like seeker says about it just being a bit pointless to separate the washes out, its really not the most time consuming job.

Youd be better off really asking for help with the dishes, or ironing. Washing is the easy bit.

Say I`ll do the washing then, you can iron. Culturally I hear you are better at in than us Irish folks.

DuelingFanjo · 30/08/2012 16:36

'this woman' was used by other people not the op. To them she is 'this woman'.

usualsuspect · 30/08/2012 16:38

Sad really, that MILs are such hate figures on MN.

usualsuspect · 30/08/2012 16:41

Mind you,I sometimes read the toxic DIL threads on gransnet for a bit of balance Grin

butterfingerz · 30/08/2012 16:50

I don't think its just a MN thing, everyone makes jokes about MIL's.

Its just the MIL-DIL relationship gets more attention and scrutiny than the MIL-SonIL relationship. A woman-woman thing perhaps.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 16:52

Of course she is her guest- when she got her DH she got his mother, great aunt, cousins etc etc - they are the extended family. If someone was staying with me I would offer to do some washing for them. I should take care with attitudes, if you think that your DCs grandmother is nothing to do with you, your DCs are likely to get the message and cut you out in the future when they have their own family.

usualsuspect · 30/08/2012 17:00

True that exotics.

NameChangeGalore · 30/08/2012 17:05

I said it earlier on today, but I'll say it again just to reiterate:

YABU and VERY VERY VERY RUDE.

Yeah!!!

NCForNow · 30/08/2012 17:10

Seeker...but I'm grossed out by the dirty pants of anyone other than my DC. I don't do anyone elses...why should I or the OP??

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