AIBU to refuse to attend any family function that my sister-in-law attends? Point blank.

[chevytruck]

This might be long.

Husband and his (only sibling) sister are chalk and cheese.
Always just 'tolerated' each other.
When I first met her I took an instant dislike but tolerated her politely and non-provocatively.
Then out of the blue (after being with her brother for approximately six years) we became friends. Not BFF's, don't get me wrong. But we were both planning weddings so spent time together doing wedding stuff, then exercise classes, then just general socialising.
This was great for about 2 years. I allowed myself to let my guard down and 'let her in'.
I married her brother almost a year before her wedding and things were still great.
Then at around her hen do/wedding she froze me out.
Suddenly and with absolutely no explanation. I was nine weeks pregnant at her wedding but no-one knew and she already had one child so jealousy isn't an answer in this situation I don't think.
I've always been timid (a history of 'friends' who bully at school) and so just kept my head down.
It spiralled. She refused to talk to me, look at me, sit in the same room as me at family events, segregated me on her hen-do and indoctrinated all her friends into her way of thinking. No big loss.
This continued until towards the end of my pregnancy when she was so foul at a family do that it reduced her mum to tears.
My husband approached her and her 'answer' was that she was very early stages of pregnancy and so had been keeping her head down. Everyone accepted that explanation. But ignored the fact she'd been treating me like that for over a year and she was weeks into her pregnancy. So once again it got dropped. I then removed her as a friend on Facebook as some of the digs at me were from her status updates.
So, for nearly four years I have been polite, taken the digs, been ignored, and 'not' noticed the rolling eyes and disdain until finally it all came to a head at her sons christening in Sunday.
It was meant to be a small family christening after which we were going out for a meal. Just me and DH, MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and our five kids.
The day before I had a nasty fall down the stairs and after a trip to A&E ascertained nothing broken, but in considerable amount of pain went along as it would mean a lot to DH family, so he said.
So, I sit in the church. Immobile. And slowly it dawns on me that plans are being made for all SILs friends and kids to meet after the ceremony at a nearby pub. But all in hushed whispers. At least five friends I heard saying words to this effect.
In the car park after the service, she announces she's going home TO TIDY(?) on a sunny day, after her sons christening when all her friends are at the pub. At which point we're bundled into the car with one of her sons and grandparents make the decision to go ahead with said family meal and we drive on to a different restaurant to where everyone else was meeting.
Leaving her celebrating with everyone somewhere else, having left us (myself and husband) feeling snubbed.
I refuse to go and eat after reaching my limit of passive aggressive bullying.
Husband tells in-laws why rather than a white lie and then arguments with his patents ensue about me spoiling the day for the kids, and getting the wrong end of the stick. ''She's gone home to tidy", I keep bring told... Perlease.
So we have a quick drink, no lunch, allow the kids to enjoy each others company while we sit in silence and then finally go.
Husband and I row be ause I can't he back saying exactly what I feel about his sister. So we go to my mums for her to listen/mediate. Don't get any resolutions agreed but air grievances anyway.
My answer is to remove myself from anything she's involved in.
For good. Or until something changes drastically.

Husband and I are at utter end of fighting tether having gone round in circles for four days.
He feels I should be the bigger person and that I'm hurting him by not attending family stuff. "We're a team, who cares what she says/does?". A fact I'm not disagreeing with. But he's asking me to keep bending over and taking it up the a**e.
I removed myself from people I went to school with like her and I'm stronger for it. DH wants me to approach her and suggest bygones be bygones. BUT WHY SHOULD I? I've done nothing wrong and she's treated me appallingly for four years I just don't want to see her again. She's intimidating.
So. Very long story short...
Should I 'grin and bear it' and feel the bigger person, because my husband isn't having to attend things on his own (but with kids) or stick to my guns? And not put myself in the position of feeling intimidated by doing the only thing I can. Remove myself.
Or confront her by text maybe? Ask what I've done to offend her so badly. I don't want to but again DH thinks its a solution. One he's unwilling to try as it might jeopardise more relationships.
Sorry it's so long but I'm just exhausted with trying to talk ourselves into a solution and going round in circles so thought some fresh eyes might help.
Happy reading.

*isn't

And I think the frequent comparisons with bullying between children is further disempowering the OP. She's an assertive adult woman not a powerless child.

Or maybe remove themselves from the place where they were getting bullied? Maybe by moving their school (the equivalent of the OP not attending occasions where the SIL will be present), in the event of the school (the PIL) doing nothing?

And if you had a best friend (the equivalent if the OP's DH) who was watching you get bullied, surely you would expect them to stick up for you to the bully, and not stand by and watch you getting upset?

Cockypants has summed it up perfectly

Agree with nannyogg and Ethel wouldn't characterise the OP as being bullied necessarily. The thing is couthy they aren't children and they're not at school so not really comparable IMO. Personally I would have had it out with the SIL but I suspect I am rather more confrontational han the OP. once your an adult you can't tell the teachers/parents it is nonsensical.

But the point is that you wouldn't continue to expect your child to spend time with someone who is bullying them.

And by the same token, if confronting someone on their bullying, shitty behaviour would cause too many people significant upset, because they are used to glossing over it, and confrontation would force them to come face to face with it, I WOULD then remove myself from the situation.

Continuing to try to ignore her shitty behaviour WOULD result in me blowing up, eventually. I'm not superhuman, and I doubt the OP is either. I couldn't keep a lid on my emotions forever, because those feelings don't just disappear. They would build up and build up, because even her DH isn't accepting the impact his sister's behaviour is having on the OP, and she feels unsupported whilst dealing with the upset, and eventually I would was very be resentful of my DH's lack of care towards MY feelings, and I DID would blow up, I couldn't put up with it forever. And nor should I have to!

The options in reality, for me (and it sounds like the OP is similar in temperament to me) are :

1. Continue attending occasions where SIL is present, and still acting rudely, try to ignore her but eventually blow up because I'm not superhuman, and I'm unsupported by my DH as he won't stand up for me, and also feel growing resentment towards him, which ends up poisoning that relationship.

2. Continue attending occasions where SIL is present, but call her up each and every time she behaves in a shitty manner towards me. Which can and will cause arguments and rows despite it being an 'occasion'. Because of you call someone out on their rudeness, and they are then rude again, you are continually calling them out on rudeness!

3. Remove myself from situations where I will come across this person full stop.

There isn't to me the option to ignore her behaviour AND not have it affect me emotionally to the point where I blow up in a spectacular fashion AND not feel resentment towards my DH for not standing up for me. That just isn't an option because of my temperament!

By the sounds of it, the OP is the same, and the only options are 1, 2, or 3. Choosing option 3 is the least likely to backfire into a huge row involving the OP and the SIL!

chevytruck YANBU.

CouthyMow your DD sounds absolutely admirable. I want my DS to grow up to be like her.

The OP has decided, probably correctly, that forcing the PIL to confront their daughter's shitty behaviour towards her would be more upsetting than removing herself from those situations.

The OP does NOT have to put up with treatment like that from ANYONE. If it was her DH acting like that, everyone would be saying 'leave the bastard'.

So why the hell SHOULDN'T the OP protect her own feelings by 'leaving the bastard', the bastard in question being her SIL, and by 'leaving', exchange that for 'refusing to be present at situations involving'.

No bloody different!!

Of course she should protect her own feelings etc its just that it sounds like this course of action is going to cause further conflict and upset for the OP.

And maybe feeling like this DOES come from a background of having an alcoholic parent, where everyone else enabled the alcoholism by brushing it under the carpet, glossing over it.

Maybe, like me, the OP grew up thinking that that wasn't the right thing to have done, and decided not to let people make her feel that way in her adult life, so doesn't brush shitty behaviour under the carpet or gloss over it or enable it.

She, like me, by the sounds of it, either confronts the behaviour or removes herself from it. Frequent attitude amongst children of alcoholics I am led to believe. She is just choosing the least hurtful of the two choices for her DH and PIL.

Have only read the first page of this but whilst it 's great that you remove people who upset you from your life and that is one excellent tactic, I think it would be good to learn to care less when other people you can't remove so easily behave strangely. You don't have to be friends with her. She's behaved quite coldly towards you. If she were my sister in law I'd let her get on with it, but that is easy for me to say because I think I am a bit more confident, perhaps. I tend to think that anybody who doesn't like me a bit odd!

Whatever the OP does is going to cause hurt and upset though. And it's NOT HER FAULT. It's the SIL's fault for behaving like that, and her DH's and PIL's fault for enabling that shitty behaviour.

Ignoring the behaviour without feeling resentful towards her DH, and without ever blowing up, I would imagine is just not going to happen for the OP.

I have no idea what the ops background is but to me she sounds like someone who avoids conflict as she has been putting up with behaviour she considers unacceptable for years.

So her parents didn't go either? I wouldn't have missed a nice lunch with my husband, presumably pleasant inlaws and kids and cousins because my sister in law's friends were in a pub.

I think your husband sounds good. He didn't tell a lie, he thinks the SIL is a loon and that you're the team.

I can see that it was an end of the straw situation but how about putting the argument away for a few days and seeing what time brings? Agree not to talk about it and try and let it go. I think cutting off family is a bit excessive.

Perhaps attend family occasions relating to your DH's parents but withdraw from birthdays/christenings whatever relating to the SIL and her family, on a case by case basis. A blanket ban is going to backfire on you and if she's as unpleasant as she sounds, she will make a point of arranging social occasions just to have you refuse them and cause you to be on the receiving end of pressure from your DH and head in the sand inlaws.

If your DH wishes to attend by himself then fine. The DC are another issue - fine for them to go with the DH if you can be sure she won't be badmouthing you but no child should have to witness a parent being bullied while another one sits back and accepts it.
If your DH won't call her on it, then quite rightly YANBU to refuse to go. Why should you be subjected to that in the name of familial "harmony".

Vis the incident in question - odd to do something with friends rather than family, even more so to create such a ridiculous subterfuge. She sounds bonkers. Who would banish their inlaws along with one of their children [presumably for cheap babysitting purposes] to go and eat elsewhere? It sounds more like the straw that broke the camels back rather than a specific example of her being vindictive to you though. If you had been invited - would you have wanted to go given that her friends also blank you? Sounds most unpleasant - I'd have attended the service and then legged it as soon as decently possible.

Maybe she has been trying to avoid the conflict for her DH's benefit? I know I did. In the end, it was becoming too difficult for me NOT to confront MIL about her behaviour, so I removed myself from any contact with her. In order not to hurt my (now ex) DP's feelings by forcing him and his dad to also confront her behaviour and their enablement of her behaviour.

The alternative is to cause WW3, which would only result in the OP's DH being cornered into having no choice but to confront his sister's shitty behaviour, and his enablement of her continuing to upset his wife by not standing up to her.

By the OP refusing to attend occasions with her SIL, she is avoiding pushing her DH and her PIL into a corner where they HAVE to confront the behaviour of the SIL, and their enablement of it.

The ONLY thing that her DH and her PIL will accept is her completely ignoring her own feelings, ignoring her behaviour, never blowing up, never expecting anyone to stand up for her, never getting resentful about her treatment, never removing herself from it and leaving herself open to further hurt from it. Basically becoming a non-person for the duration of any occasions involving the SIL.

I had enough of that in my childhood, no one's going to make me feel like that as an adult!

His sister, he should be doing the talking to his sister. Not you.

Try for direct one liners if she does anything

eye roll - ''have you got a problem with something, you seem to be rolling your eyes at me''

At the christening ''oh tidying?? But I heard you and your friends whispering about going for a meal at the xxx pub''

Always make a point of saying hello and goodbye etc. Be the adult. If she is rude tell her ask her if she meant to be so rude.

Now I've read that your SIL lives miles away it makes even more sense that she is being a bitch towards you. It's hard to be top dog in a family when you only see them once or twice a year and your SIL and her children see your parents twice a week. Hence she needs to put you down.

Having read everything you've said and you've reached an impasse with your husband, I would take the voicemail, go round to her parents and calmy tell them you understand they tried to help by getting SIL to apologise but that it backfired and then let them hear it. Also tell them that she is shit stirring in your marriage and that things between you and your husband are now verging on the critical as this is just the tip of her bullying iceberg. Ask them how you think you can go on from here? Let them come up with a solution to the problem.

They are enabling her and they might actually get scared into doing something that could calm this situation if they think your marriage is going up the creek because of their mad daughter. Be calm, be polite be just totally weary of the whole thing. They know she is wrong deep down but noone wants to confront her they just want you to put up and shut up and hope it goes away.

I think you are more upset about this broohaaha because you were (or you believed you were) friends with the twisted dipstick SIL. And if she had just been SIL and not friend you would not be so hurt.

But she is horrible, horrible, horrible, like the most twisted school bully. You know that, we know that (DH probably knows that (PIL in denial)) so please just ignore her. She is behaving like a spiteful 13 year old and gets it off by being spiteful to what? God knows, maybe get one over you? upset you? who knows, she just seems to like hurting people and sticking the knife in.

The best best thing you can do is smirk or laugh in her face next time she gets going. Boy, would she be pissed, here she is turning all the screws, making snidey digs - for what - to make you laugh???????? I don't think so.

OP you are a nice normal human being, as is your DH, Pleeeeeeeeese don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you distressed and let her score points off you again. Pleeeese go to family dos and ignore her, look smug when she starts her sneering. Laugh, laugh again.

Be prepared for a backlash though. If you laugh or just look happy and relaxed she won't like it one bit. So she will try harder and be nastier. But we know you are strong enough to just switch off when she starts and move away to someone you would like to talk to so we are all behind you. So please don't give her the satisfaction ever again. Just be yourself, your nice cheerful self with your loving DH and DCs. She can't touch you.

(feel pity for PIL with that weirdo for a daughter, feel pity for her DCs but it's not your problem, don't engage)

From your OP my first thought was that you have spent years being the bigger person and I see no reason why you should continue. Your dh is being incredibly unfair to you.

OP, there is another way to deal with this kind of behavior. You go to the family do's and EVERY SINGLE TIME she acts like a toddler, you call her on it. 'You say, calmly, you said x but in tone y. Did you mean what you said or how you said it?' Do it in front of others, don't let emotion come into your voice and be VERY calm. When she says I meant what I said not the tone or whatever she said, say 'thank you for clearing that up'' and LEAVE IT at that. If she starts on at you because you asked simply state that you weren't sure of how x was meant and you were simply clarifying what was said to you and that you are sorry that clearing things up rather than being unsure is offensive/upsetting to her but you prefer to be clear about things'. DO IT EVER TIME. Eventually she will get sick of it and then either ignore you or become a human being. Do it with the eye rolls/ignoring you as well. Calmly say to her 'are you ignoring me' or 'did you roll your eyes in response to something I said or have you got something in your eye?' When she does these things and make sure there are people around, if she doesn't answer simply say 'well you must be ignoring me' and walk away or repeat above for verbal digs. Don't let this kind of behavior exist for you without pulling her on it.
If your DP wants you at these family things he has a choice, he either puts up with you calling her on stuff EVERY SINGLE TIME, he backs you up or he goes alone. He gets to choose which is better for him/the family and lives with the consequences.
When he finally goes alone spend the day/evening doing stuff for you and DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.
She does this because nobody pulls her on her actions and will continue to do so until somebody does.

WouldNOTLetHerGetAwayWithItTiggaxx

If it is literally once or twice a year you have no problem. That one day a year be ill. I have a sil similar. I decided not to have anything more to do with her. It has worked for 15 years.