AIBU to refuse to attend any family function that my sister-in-law attends? Point blank.

[chevytruck]

This might be long.

Husband and his (only sibling) sister are chalk and cheese.
Always just 'tolerated' each other.
When I first met her I took an instant dislike but tolerated her politely and non-provocatively.
Then out of the blue (after being with her brother for approximately six years) we became friends. Not BFF's, don't get me wrong. But we were both planning weddings so spent time together doing wedding stuff, then exercise classes, then just general socialising.
This was great for about 2 years. I allowed myself to let my guard down and 'let her in'.
I married her brother almost a year before her wedding and things were still great.
Then at around her hen do/wedding she froze me out.
Suddenly and with absolutely no explanation. I was nine weeks pregnant at her wedding but no-one knew and she already had one child so jealousy isn't an answer in this situation I don't think.
I've always been timid (a history of 'friends' who bully at school) and so just kept my head down.
It spiralled. She refused to talk to me, look at me, sit in the same room as me at family events, segregated me on her hen-do and indoctrinated all her friends into her way of thinking. No big loss.
This continued until towards the end of my pregnancy when she was so foul at a family do that it reduced her mum to tears.
My husband approached her and her 'answer' was that she was very early stages of pregnancy and so had been keeping her head down. Everyone accepted that explanation. But ignored the fact she'd been treating me like that for over a year and she was weeks into her pregnancy. So once again it got dropped. I then removed her as a friend on Facebook as some of the digs at me were from her status updates.
So, for nearly four years I have been polite, taken the digs, been ignored, and 'not' noticed the rolling eyes and disdain until finally it all came to a head at her sons christening in Sunday.
It was meant to be a small family christening after which we were going out for a meal. Just me and DH, MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and our five kids.
The day before I had a nasty fall down the stairs and after a trip to A&E ascertained nothing broken, but in considerable amount of pain went along as it would mean a lot to DH family, so he said.
So, I sit in the church. Immobile. And slowly it dawns on me that plans are being made for all SILs friends and kids to meet after the ceremony at a nearby pub. But all in hushed whispers. At least five friends I heard saying words to this effect.
In the car park after the service, she announces she's going home TO TIDY(?) on a sunny day, after her sons christening when all her friends are at the pub. At which point we're bundled into the car with one of her sons and grandparents make the decision to go ahead with said family meal and we drive on to a different restaurant to where everyone else was meeting.
Leaving her celebrating with everyone somewhere else, having left us (myself and husband) feeling snubbed.
I refuse to go and eat after reaching my limit of passive aggressive bullying.
Husband tells in-laws why rather than a white lie and then arguments with his patents ensue about me spoiling the day for the kids, and getting the wrong end of the stick. ''She's gone home to tidy", I keep bring told... Perlease.
So we have a quick drink, no lunch, allow the kids to enjoy each others company while we sit in silence and then finally go.
Husband and I row be ause I can't he back saying exactly what I feel about his sister. So we go to my mums for her to listen/mediate. Don't get any resolutions agreed but air grievances anyway.
My answer is to remove myself from anything she's involved in.
For good. Or until something changes drastically.

Husband and I are at utter end of fighting tether having gone round in circles for four days.
He feels I should be the bigger person and that I'm hurting him by not attending family stuff. "We're a team, who cares what she says/does?". A fact I'm not disagreeing with. But he's asking me to keep bending over and taking it up the a**e.
I removed myself from people I went to school with like her and I'm stronger for it. DH wants me to approach her and suggest bygones be bygones. BUT WHY SHOULD I? I've done nothing wrong and she's treated me appallingly for four years I just don't want to see her again. She's intimidating.
So. Very long story short...
Should I 'grin and bear it' and feel the bigger person, because my husband isn't having to attend things on his own (but with kids) or stick to my guns? And not put myself in the position of feeling intimidated by doing the only thing I can. Remove myself.
Or confront her by text maybe? Ask what I've done to offend her so badly. I don't want to but again DH thinks its a solution. One he's unwilling to try as it might jeopardise more relationships.
Sorry it's so long but I'm just exhausted with trying to talk ourselves into a solution and going round in circles so thought some fresh eyes might help.
Happy reading.

OP deep breath, step outside yourself a moment.

Your DH is handling the situation badly. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you - it's a big mess and he's clearly not got the emotional intelligence to see the wood for the trees.

FWIW, I massively sympathise. I had very similar scenes with my SIL, no one has ever provoked that kind of emotional and physical reaction in me. I get what you're going through

Chevy - he's obviously not going to stand up for you and the phone barrage sounds like him trying to bully you now. I don't know what to advice you do regarding this as that is going to be something you need to come to your own level of comfort with, but I will say stop answering the phone now. If its your mobile switch it off. If it's your work or home phone, unplug it for a bit.

Give yourself a break and some peace. Have a cuppa or go for a glass of wine or something, and try to chill and think it over logically. Or come on mumsnet away from the barrage.

You may find yourself coming to a conclusion that surprises yourself. You may find yourself saying, ok I'll give hubby the one chance he's asking for if SIL apologises for the voicemail. Not saying that's your solution btw, but if you're calmer and away from it you may find something like that satisfies you.

Oh yeah, an don't delete that voicemail. Keep it for as long as possible!

Forget the sister. Your husband is the important one. Go to functions with him, and ignore her.

Bloody hell- you have my deepest sympathy. He would rather appease his sister than support his wife? Your SIL is doing a great job on you.

I would make him listen to the voicemail at some point. Probably not now as he would have to back down and no one likes to admit they are wrong.
I nearly left my DH once when his parents started treating me really badly due to SIL's lies. In the end I realised that he just didn't want to open that can of worms as he'd spent a lifetime just not dwelling on his family and their shortcomings. He had never stood up for himself and he just couldn't stand up for me. His way of dealing with it was literally just not thinking about it.

I can see she is a complete unhinged bitch, however I do have a bit of sympathy for you dh.

She excluded ALL of you from that meal, not just you. Imagine how your dh and pil feel? Their own sister and daughter didn't allow them to the celebration meal for their niece/grandchild. However they see the bigger picture, want to keep the peace so are ignoring her behaviour. I think you should do the same.

My own SIL is very similar, recently she tried to ruin my dds 18th birthday meal. She tried but as we all know her, just completely ignored her and changed the conversation, several times. All the family know she is a cow and we all walk on egg shells but we do it because we want to have family meals/celebrations together. We don't want the dc to suffer.

I would tell dh that you want him to listen to the voicemail, that if he agrees to do that and acknowledges she is out of order, you will agree to go along to family events, will be polite but if she is outwardly rude to you he will support you to diffuse the situation. Tell him you need to feel its not you against her, that you need to feel support from him.

I'm slightly confused. SIL went to the pub with her friends after the christening, but didn't include either her brother (and his family, you and DCs) or her OWN PARENTS?? And YOU are in the doghouse for getting upset about that?!

SIL sounds mad as a box of frogs, but as a family, you and DH, and also PIL, need to decide how you are going to deal with the rudeness of their DSis/DD in the future. And as part of that process, you need to be clear on what you will and will not tolerate in terms of respect from that lady.

That's great advice, QuickLook.

Thank you ViviPru, unfortunately I have 20 years of experience of dealing with an unhinged SIL . She on longer had any contact or lets her dc have any contact, with her own Mum and sister. We don't want that to happen to our side of the family.

My sister is nasty and totally weird like this. My/her (we have different mums etc) family have always just indulged her and rolled their eyes and said 'that's just x' and anyone who says anything about her is made out to be silly as 'don't you know that's just how x is'.

After years of this kind of madness i don't go out of my way to be nice but i don't antagonise either. I wouldn't bother trying to resolve it. I am just civil, as the other posters have said, hello, goodbye and no conversation. She never asks about me and now i don't ask about her, so we just talk to others at the function and avoid each other. If she talks directly to me (which she doesn't rally) i am polite, but make very little eye contact and don't encourage a conversation. No one else even notices. I am not sure if she even has tbh.

If i were you i would try to do the same. Don't engage on her level. She sounds like she loves the drama (as does my sis). Once you stop pouring fuel on that fire it will fizzle out. It will also drive her round the bend.

I would tell DH you are going to draw a line under it, not address it again and just be civil for families sake. I also do the same with PIL's.

The best way to deal with people like this is to ignore them and carry on with life as if they don't exist. I would avoid any do that celebrates anything in her life or that of her children and ignore her at any family event where she happens to be. In saying that if pil have a problem with you refusing to indulge her bullying any longer, then just avoid all family events. There is no point in going somewhere if everyone is going to gang up on you for failing to play the happy victim.

Indifference is your best weapon, you truly have to stop caring about toxic people. Don't care for this bitch, her situation, other peoples opinions or guilt trips, just stop, every interaction you have with her is feeding the monster. Don't involve yourself with anything to do with her. She has no power that you aren't prepared to give her. Leave her to play games with herself, she'll have to find another victim.

If your pil or dh say anything to you tell them outright that she is a horrible person who has bullied you for years and you are not going to tolerate her nonsense any more. She's dead to you. If they have a problem with that, that's their problem, you are beyond caring. They want to take issue with it, they'll be dead to you too.

People only have the power you give them, she can only control and bully you for as long as you agree to be a part of her life.

To be honest it seems as though you are also involved in some of the aggro. You say you took an instant dislike to your SIL but you "tolerated" her initially, then you suddenly become good friends? Sounds rather odd to me and as if you haven't exactly been honest about your own behaviour

Yes BiddyPop. That is exactly what's happened. Precisely.

"because I was telling her things about her brother that she was uncomfortable with."

And he believes that??

"I would tell dh that you want him to listen to the voicemail, that if he agrees to do that and acknowledges she is out of order, you will agree to go along to family events, will be polite but if she is outwardly rude to you he will support you to diffuse the situation. Tell him you need to feel its not you against her, that you need to feel support from him."

That sounds good advice.

How can the voicemail she left be "tittletattle"?

London When I met her she was a teenager and very selfish and overdramatic.
I just didn't have anything to do with her for six years as neither did her brother. When we were both wedding planning nearly ten years later we 'drifted' into the same circle and it just happened. Its very easy to make 12 years of life sound black and white in a longish paragraph. The friendship was absolutely by no means 'sudden'.

diddl Because as with all passive aggression, its all about the underlying meaning. Her tone is blunt - but she's never spoken to DH any other way so he won't see a problem with it - she then changes the subject to funerals and childrens health and crying and it becomes an emotive subject - but NOT the problem, not what we were arguing about and changes the angle of things from me being bullied to me me being nasty to her.

Ultimately though, who is getting upset and hurt with all this mess? Not her, thats for sure. So why give her the satisfaction. If you avoid going to any family functions, you are upsetting your husband, your kids, your PIL, and yourself. Go to them. Be civil to her, but keep it at that. She is the one with a problem, not you. If you stay away, all that does is let her win, and people will think it is YOU that has the issues, not her.

chevy I'm sure she's a complete cow but do you not think you're placing too much emphasis on her? From what you say her eldest kids were with you and the inlaws at the pub and not at this secret get together with her friends so to me it doesn't sound that big a thing. If she's that toxic why would you have wanted to go anyway? Let her get on with her thing and don't engage at all. Do what someone up the thread does, say hello and goodbye and leave it at that. Don't let your husband convince you that you're to blame though but just don't get into it with her, she's not worth it.

OP - I understand a lot of your situation, though I am 'lucky' in that DH and BIL are brothers and SIL and me are both the in-laws in the family.

I can quite understand how you didn't like her, then became 'friends', then were dropped. I had something very similar with my SIL who was an utter cow to me from the first time I met her. About two years later after the birth of her first DC she suddenly started being very matey with us - primarily I think as they'd just moved house and had their first DC whereas DH and I were living in a flat with no DC (I'm 6 years younger than SIL btw).

Anyway, she was fine with us being friends until we started catching up (got engaged, moved house) then she created Armageddon out of nothing and we've not spoken since.

That was 5.5 years ago and a very peaceful and happy 5.5 years they have been. The difference is, for us, that PIL (although not happy about it) understood that it was impossible for us to have a relationship with BIL and SIL as SIL is pure batshit crazy (as everyone else in the family knows).

I think, in your shoes, I'd be weighing up if I could afford to lose PIL too, because I see their behaviour in making excuses almost as toxic as SILs. If the relationship with PIL is too much to lose, then I think the only compromise I could make is to attend group family events but never anything for her family (e.g. the christening).

But I think you're right. You have even bigger fish to fry with your DH. Does he really think you're worth so little that you should have to put up with it? That your children should grow up watching their mother being treated like dirt and expected to suck it up? That would be a dealbreaker for me, I'm afraid.

She sounds like my SIL too. I think there is a theme here!

Be the bigger person. Be the daughter that your PIL never had. Focus on the quality of your family life and let her fester in her pile of steaming shite.

I know she brings back memories of being bullied at school and being walked over but this is different. You are a grown up and don't have to take her shit.

Distance yourself and only attend compulsory events. Smile and speak to her if spoken to you. Make a fuss of PIL and her children.

You will feel better if you do.

This is my attitude and it's working. My PIL have even confided in me what a disappointment my SIL (their daughter) is. I want to punch her on her big fat alcoholic nose and lay her out...but instead I just smile while fantasising about torture

My marriage is more important than being right. So is yours.

yes, chevy, your problem arises in most families ; especially large ones.

It does sound a tiny bit as though you might be taking personal offence at things that are not solely about you.

As other have said, her brother and parents were also excluded from the christening celebration. They chose, for whatever (possibly misguided) reason to gloss over their hurt and upset. However, you felt the need to vent your hurt to the rest of them and cause a row with them. If anyone had a right to feel hurt and upset, it is your PiLs. They chose not to publically show their hurt, you should have followed their lead and avoided the row.

It sounds like a friendship which has run it's course. Expect nothing from her. Ignore her. Don't make a grand gesture saying you will never socialise with her again - your SiL wont care one way or the other, but it will upset the wider family and enable your SiL to pull the victim card. Simply make a quiet and private decision that you will in future avoid her - and then come up with some 'I'm busy' excuses to avoid future events.

I'm with bobbledunk - "Indifference is your best weapon"

So true. You can turn up at family events, sit next to someone else, be great company and fun to be with, but if she comes near you, you find someone more interesting to talk to.

That way, your DH gets to see his family, your DC can see their cousins & no one will blame you for tearing the family apart

SIL is a bitch, but as you seem to get on ok with the rest of the family then dramatically refusing to attend family functions is a bit extreme, although can completely understand it coming out in the heat of the moment.

Tell your DH that you will continue to attend family events if he a)listens to the voice mail, b)supports & defends you against SIL at any events & c)tells SIL that he won't tolerate further rudeness to his wife, whatever the excuse.

Then toughen your skin to any of her barbs & avoid as much as possible. Invent a sudden attack of D&V a few hours before any event you really can't face.

You have a crazy voicemail from her and he won't listen to it??? How on earth can it be tittle tattle if it has come from the horse's mouth, so to speak? Why not just leave it for a bit, so that things can all calm down, and ask him later in a non-emotional way, to listen to it. So sorry it has all escalated like this, without any of your doing. Have a .