AIBU to refuse to attend any family function that my sister-in-law attends? Point blank.

[chevytruck]

This might be long.

Husband and his (only sibling) sister are chalk and cheese.
Always just 'tolerated' each other.
When I first met her I took an instant dislike but tolerated her politely and non-provocatively.
Then out of the blue (after being with her brother for approximately six years) we became friends. Not BFF's, don't get me wrong. But we were both planning weddings so spent time together doing wedding stuff, then exercise classes, then just general socialising.
This was great for about 2 years. I allowed myself to let my guard down and 'let her in'.
I married her brother almost a year before her wedding and things were still great.
Then at around her hen do/wedding she froze me out.
Suddenly and with absolutely no explanation. I was nine weeks pregnant at her wedding but no-one knew and she already had one child so jealousy isn't an answer in this situation I don't think.
I've always been timid (a history of 'friends' who bully at school) and so just kept my head down.
It spiralled. She refused to talk to me, look at me, sit in the same room as me at family events, segregated me on her hen-do and indoctrinated all her friends into her way of thinking. No big loss.
This continued until towards the end of my pregnancy when she was so foul at a family do that it reduced her mum to tears.
My husband approached her and her 'answer' was that she was very early stages of pregnancy and so had been keeping her head down. Everyone accepted that explanation. But ignored the fact she'd been treating me like that for over a year and she was weeks into her pregnancy. So once again it got dropped. I then removed her as a friend on Facebook as some of the digs at me were from her status updates.
So, for nearly four years I have been polite, taken the digs, been ignored, and 'not' noticed the rolling eyes and disdain until finally it all came to a head at her sons christening in Sunday.
It was meant to be a small family christening after which we were going out for a meal. Just me and DH, MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and our five kids.
The day before I had a nasty fall down the stairs and after a trip to A&E ascertained nothing broken, but in considerable amount of pain went along as it would mean a lot to DH family, so he said.
So, I sit in the church. Immobile. And slowly it dawns on me that plans are being made for all SILs friends and kids to meet after the ceremony at a nearby pub. But all in hushed whispers. At least five friends I heard saying words to this effect.
In the car park after the service, she announces she's going home TO TIDY(?) on a sunny day, after her sons christening when all her friends are at the pub. At which point we're bundled into the car with one of her sons and grandparents make the decision to go ahead with said family meal and we drive on to a different restaurant to where everyone else was meeting.
Leaving her celebrating with everyone somewhere else, having left us (myself and husband) feeling snubbed.
I refuse to go and eat after reaching my limit of passive aggressive bullying.
Husband tells in-laws why rather than a white lie and then arguments with his patents ensue about me spoiling the day for the kids, and getting the wrong end of the stick. ''She's gone home to tidy", I keep bring told... Perlease.
So we have a quick drink, no lunch, allow the kids to enjoy each others company while we sit in silence and then finally go.
Husband and I row be ause I can't he back saying exactly what I feel about his sister. So we go to my mums for her to listen/mediate. Don't get any resolutions agreed but air grievances anyway.
My answer is to remove myself from anything she's involved in.
For good. Or until something changes drastically.

Husband and I are at utter end of fighting tether having gone round in circles for four days.
He feels I should be the bigger person and that I'm hurting him by not attending family stuff. "We're a team, who cares what she says/does?". A fact I'm not disagreeing with. But he's asking me to keep bending over and taking it up the a**e.
I removed myself from people I went to school with like her and I'm stronger for it. DH wants me to approach her and suggest bygones be bygones. BUT WHY SHOULD I? I've done nothing wrong and she's treated me appallingly for four years I just don't want to see her again. She's intimidating.
So. Very long story short...
Should I 'grin and bear it' and feel the bigger person, because my husband isn't having to attend things on his own (but with kids) or stick to my guns? And not put myself in the position of feeling intimidated by doing the only thing I can. Remove myself.
Or confront her by text maybe? Ask what I've done to offend her so badly. I don't want to but again DH thinks its a solution. One he's unwilling to try as it might jeopardise more relationships.
Sorry it's so long but I'm just exhausted with trying to talk ourselves into a solution and going round in circles so thought some fresh eyes might help.
Happy reading.

It's one to two events a year. Why can't you just ignore her, why do you give her all this power over you. Why did you care about the christening, you hate the woman I would have thought you would have been delighted to have lunch without her, why did you make a big deal of it

Your SIL is a cowbag but I'm afraid that isn't going to change. Plus, she is a cowbag to everyone not just to you.

I have a similar problem with an arsehole of a FIL. He is extremely rude and has shouted at and belittled me at times.

However, I think the thing I forgot to realise (and you too) is that the family have been living with this for far far longer than I have, and have decided to go down the route of non-confrontation. They have talked about it behind his back, but never to him.

My DP is horrified that I have considered confronting him over this. And when I have got cross has blamed me for everything that has happened and claimed it is as I am not tolerant enough.

It's a tough one!

The fact is that if you do anything you will be the one rockin gthe boat and will be blamed for any fall out. Its v unfair but that is how it is .

Sounds like there's something wrong with her. Maybe that's what your husband means? Anyway, try not to let her preoccupy you: I'd just go through the motions, and do the least possible, but not totally pull out of family events. You don't want to end up being seen as the cause of the problem. People like that enjoy all the excitement far too much.

Thank you CouthyMow I just want my husband to say everything you have.
I said to my MIL in the car park after the christening that her daughter was a bully and that I didn't want to have naything more to do with her, at which point she slammed the car door and walked off. Unsurprisingly I suppose.

But the point being they know I'm trying to distance myself from her, so its not a case of lying. Its a problem because DH says I'm then becoming shit-stirrer.

It does seem that her behaviour is just ignored-although by the sounds of things, OPs husband is now excusing it.

I think there are things that can be put up with because that´s how "someone is".
(theý´re allowed to get away with it)

Whilst OP is totally pissed off, if husband & ILs just leave SIL to get on with it, would OP be the bad guy by making a stand?

If SIL doesn´t insult OP at family events, I`d perhaps be polite, ignore as much as possible & spend time with those who I do like.

Tbh telling someone there daughter is a bully and tha you don't want anything to do with her is not going to endear you to anyone. Why would you say that to you MIL your relationship with her daughter is not her problem. You are in danger o finding yourself isolated. They may not like her but they do love her and that is the difference.

Please bare in mind that if your DH turns up at the birthday lunch/retirement lunch on his own with the DC you will have made SIL's day! It will also turn you into the one with the problem in the eyes of other family members. From one who has/had issues with her SIL then please rise above it and be charmng amd lovely to everyone else and polite and distant with SIL.

I will never be the kind of parent that turns a blind eye to shitty behaviour. Never.

I don't now, when they're 2 and 3, so why should it make any difference if they're in their 30's?

Love is one thing but blind ignorance is another.

I agree with Sonnet - if you don't go, she's won and you're made to look petty.

Can you not work up a good line of rehearsed one liners if you accidentally come across her or you hear her say anything catty?

I would batton down the seething resentment and anger, put on a smile and ignore her unless you're forced to take any notice in which case I would have all rehearsed phrases ready.

And I would also write all of this down and make sure that your husband realises what a wet wimp he's acting like that he does not do something positive about her behaviour in support of you.

How long is the OP meant to put up with someone behaving like this to them? Her DH isn't going to step up, or he would have done so at some point in the last 4 years. In fact, he is so far in denial that he won 't even listen to the answer phone message that his sister left, because that would force him to confront this.

I can tell you now, the OP has reached the end of her ability to ignore the SIL's behaviour towards her without starting to feel resentment towards her DH for allowing her to be treated like this, and the end of her ability to suppress her natural reaction to call someone out on shitty behaviour, and will end up blowing up like vesuvius at the SIL if she continues to try to ignore her behaviour.

Either way, both of those options will be MORE damaging to the OP's relationship than her removing herself from the situation.

The OP is neither a doormat nor a saint. She can't personally COPE with allowing someone to continue treating her like this, it is bringing up things that happened in her childhood, it is causing her emotional upset, why on earth should SHE have to ignore her own VALID FEELINGS to 'keep the peace', and spare everyone else's feelings?

Why do the feelings of her DH and her PIL matter more than her own feelings. She isn't MAKING them confront the SIL's shitty behaviour, just asking them to accept that, for her own emotional well being, she no longer wants to spend time near someone who treats her like that.

She is just asking them to respect the fact that she has feelings too, and they don't matter LESS than their feelings. They will have to manage their disappointment at her absence, while she will also have to manage her disappointment at her absence.

Difference is, for the DH and the PIL, their disappointment is CAUSED by their own enabling behaviour. The OP's disappointment is CAUSED by SOMEONE ELSE'S behaviour, and their own way of protecting themself from emotional harm.

If the OP's refusal to attend occasions where the SIL is present causes arguments, that's NOT the OP's fault.

It is the fault of the SIL for behaving in such a shitty way towards the OP, and it is the fault of the DH and the PIL for enabling the SIL's shitty behaviour towards the OP to continue.

The OP removing herself does not mean she is in any way responsible for anything that happens as a result of that, all it means is that she chose to emotionally protect herself from the shitty behaviour of the SIL, and the enabling behaviour of the PIL and her DH.

Why would the OP care about how she 'looks' to other family members? She isn't refusing to go for a way to 'look better' to other family members/ other people, but to protect herself from having to put up with shitty behaviour from the SIL, and being placed 'in the wrong' (WRONGLY) if she says ANYTHING about how the SIL's behaviour makes her feel. It's not about how she 'looks' to other people at all.

I wouldn't give two shiny shits what other people thought of me if I was doing something for my OWN emotional protection!

Yes but she doesn't have to make a big deal of it. Also I am still curious to find out exactly what the SIL is doing that is so unbearable as the christening thing was something of a non event and if it is simply that type of issue a couple of times a year the I think the OP s overreacting

Again thank you CouthyMow - its like you're speaking for me. Are you me?
You put it all so much better than I do and make me feel like I'm having a legitimate response rather than a playground one. So appreciated.

Tell your DH that you are NOT shit stirring, you are removing yourself from the situation because of her behaviour towards you.

Did he agree with you cutting other people from your past out because of their treatment of you? If so, point out to him that this is NO different, so why would you do anything different.

london as I've said before - it wasn't the christening. It was the 4 years lead up to and culminating in the snidey behaviour at the christening. The straw that broke the camels back iyswim.

So what is it she actually does? Bearing in min you say you see her once or twice a year

It's NOT a non-event if it upsets you. You personally may be able to ignore someone who behaves like that towards you. I can't, and by the sounds of it, neither can the OP.

To me, it is perfectly reasonable to 'call' people on shitty behaviour. I shouldn't have to ignore how someone makes me feel.

If someone makes me feel happy, then I will thank them and enjoy their company. If someone is rude to me and upsets me, I will either call them on their rudeness, or remove myself from situations where I will come across that person.

Londonone, from the OP:

It spiralled. She refused to talk to me, look at me, sit in the same room as me at family events, segregated me on her hen-do and indoctrinated all her friends into her way of thinking. No big loss

This continued until towards the end of my pregnancy when she was so foul at a family do that it reduced her mum to tears

ignored the fact she'd been treating me like that for over a year

some of the digs at me were from her status updates

for nearly four years I have been polite, taken the digs, been ignored, and 'not' noticed the rolling eyes and disdain

Even if you think the Christening thing was something of a non-event, the rest sounds like "Death of a Thousand Papercuts" to me...

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP, and I think your DH is very unreasonable not to listen to what his sister said to you so he really can see where you're coming from.

However, I said to my MIL in the car park after the christening that her daughter was a bully and that I didn't want to have naything more to do with her, at which point she slammed the car door and walked off. Unsurprisingly I suppose. was pretty unreasonable, unnecessary and hurtful. However realistic you are about your own children, it hurts to hear that about one of them. I think you shot yourself in the foot there.

I have even applied this to my own toxic mother - her behaviour upsets me, so I have removed myself from situations where I would have to be around her shitty behaviour.

Being related to someone does NOT give them an excuse to treat you like shit, and it does NOT give anyone else an excuse to ignore their behaviour towards you.

The 'vesuvius' moment I am talking about, NannyOgg.

The OP had tried to keep a lid on her feelings for 4 years, and they exploded out in telling her MIL some home truths about her daughter. Which hurt the MIL because it's the TRUTH.

The truth hurts.

So foul could mean a million things. The fact the the op even mentions things like rolling eyes I find a bit odd. If someoone genuinely won't look at you it should be fairly easy to ignore them.

As I've said before it started with dropping me like a stone, refusing to sit with me in the same room at any function (reducing her own mother to tears at their wedding anniversary meal), or talk to me, or reply to text messages, roll eyes when I speak, tell all her friends I've done something awful so when (in public, at chance meeting for example) they will be rude to the point of embarrassment, hurtful status (fb) updates etc... To name but a few.
It may sound petty but in reality it is passive aggression and IS VERY UNPLEASANT.
Not sure london but perhaps your inability to see where I'm coming from means you think this is acceptable behaviour for 4 years, to a family member? Without question or valid reason.