AIBU to refuse to attend any family function that my sister-in-law attends? Point blank.

[chevytruck]

This might be long.

Husband and his (only sibling) sister are chalk and cheese.
Always just 'tolerated' each other.
When I first met her I took an instant dislike but tolerated her politely and non-provocatively.
Then out of the blue (after being with her brother for approximately six years) we became friends. Not BFF's, don't get me wrong. But we were both planning weddings so spent time together doing wedding stuff, then exercise classes, then just general socialising.
This was great for about 2 years. I allowed myself to let my guard down and 'let her in'.
I married her brother almost a year before her wedding and things were still great.
Then at around her hen do/wedding she froze me out.
Suddenly and with absolutely no explanation. I was nine weeks pregnant at her wedding but no-one knew and she already had one child so jealousy isn't an answer in this situation I don't think.
I've always been timid (a history of 'friends' who bully at school) and so just kept my head down.
It spiralled. She refused to talk to me, look at me, sit in the same room as me at family events, segregated me on her hen-do and indoctrinated all her friends into her way of thinking. No big loss.
This continued until towards the end of my pregnancy when she was so foul at a family do that it reduced her mum to tears.
My husband approached her and her 'answer' was that she was very early stages of pregnancy and so had been keeping her head down. Everyone accepted that explanation. But ignored the fact she'd been treating me like that for over a year and she was weeks into her pregnancy. So once again it got dropped. I then removed her as a friend on Facebook as some of the digs at me were from her status updates.
So, for nearly four years I have been polite, taken the digs, been ignored, and 'not' noticed the rolling eyes and disdain until finally it all came to a head at her sons christening in Sunday.
It was meant to be a small family christening after which we were going out for a meal. Just me and DH, MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and our five kids.
The day before I had a nasty fall down the stairs and after a trip to A&E ascertained nothing broken, but in considerable amount of pain went along as it would mean a lot to DH family, so he said.
So, I sit in the church. Immobile. And slowly it dawns on me that plans are being made for all SILs friends and kids to meet after the ceremony at a nearby pub. But all in hushed whispers. At least five friends I heard saying words to this effect.
In the car park after the service, she announces she's going home TO TIDY(?) on a sunny day, after her sons christening when all her friends are at the pub. At which point we're bundled into the car with one of her sons and grandparents make the decision to go ahead with said family meal and we drive on to a different restaurant to where everyone else was meeting.
Leaving her celebrating with everyone somewhere else, having left us (myself and husband) feeling snubbed.
I refuse to go and eat after reaching my limit of passive aggressive bullying.
Husband tells in-laws why rather than a white lie and then arguments with his patents ensue about me spoiling the day for the kids, and getting the wrong end of the stick. ''She's gone home to tidy", I keep bring told... Perlease.
So we have a quick drink, no lunch, allow the kids to enjoy each others company while we sit in silence and then finally go.
Husband and I row be ause I can't he back saying exactly what I feel about his sister. So we go to my mums for her to listen/mediate. Don't get any resolutions agreed but air grievances anyway.
My answer is to remove myself from anything she's involved in.
For good. Or until something changes drastically.

Husband and I are at utter end of fighting tether having gone round in circles for four days.
He feels I should be the bigger person and that I'm hurting him by not attending family stuff. "We're a team, who cares what she says/does?". A fact I'm not disagreeing with. But he's asking me to keep bending over and taking it up the a**e.
I removed myself from people I went to school with like her and I'm stronger for it. DH wants me to approach her and suggest bygones be bygones. BUT WHY SHOULD I? I've done nothing wrong and she's treated me appallingly for four years I just don't want to see her again. She's intimidating.
So. Very long story short...
Should I 'grin and bear it' and feel the bigger person, because my husband isn't having to attend things on his own (but with kids) or stick to my guns? And not put myself in the position of feeling intimidated by doing the only thing I can. Remove myself.
Or confront her by text maybe? Ask what I've done to offend her so badly. I don't want to but again DH thinks its a solution. One he's unwilling to try as it might jeopardise more relationships.
Sorry it's so long but I'm just exhausted with trying to talk ourselves into a solution and going round in circles so thought some fresh eyes might help.
Happy reading.

shelby That's the point. We only see her once a year anyway, twice tops. I'm not dramatically refusing to attend all family stuff - just the odd occasion she's there. We see in parents approx 1/2 a week. I'm not suggesting that stops.
Just the seeing her bullshit.
He's making out like its going to make him feel like a single parent but its ONE DAY A YEAR.
I'm starting to feel so physically ill about this all that I might just call her and not hold back. I've almost literally got nothing to lose now.

hang on... all this and you only see her ONCE a year....

I've almost literally got nothing to lose now.

You have. Until now you've not actually done anything tangible she can throw back at you. If you let rip, satisfying as it might be, you lose the main thing you have in your favour, calm dignity.

'We're a team'

Funny team where one member sits back and allows the other to be treated like crap by his sister.

If it's only once or twice a year, then def not worth getting worked up about. Let it die down for now & then invent some unconnected excuse next time an occasion arises that she might be at.

Start planning your Christmas strategy now, as that's the usual stress time as far as families are concerned.

Only my FIL retires in two weeks on his 65th birthday.
So no time to let it die down. Hence the reason for my husband battling me.
Somehow I think he just doesn't want to lose face by turning up to the birthday/retirement lunch on his own.

And Vivi DH is making it seem like its his compromise or nothing. I don't know what the nothing is, but can only assume it would mean him making the ultimate family or wife choice.

I don't see how DH can say you're obliged to be at this thing, when his SIL wasn't obliged to invite her own parents and siblings to the celebration of her child's christening?

It's a real double standard. Either people are free to dip in and out as they choose (as SIL did). Or they're not.

"Somehow I think he just doesn't want to lose face by turning up to the birthday/retirement lunch on his own"

I dont see it as "losing face". You are his wife, it is understandable that he would rather go with you than without you.

I would remove myself from her petty behaviour. I wouldn't accept being treated like this by anyone, the answer to it is either confront the behaviour and make things terrible for the husband, or remove myself from any interaction and make things terrible for the husband.

Unfortunately, for me, taking this sort of behaviour on the chin JUST. WON'T. HAPPEN.

I accept that this would make it difficult in this situation, but my own discomfort trying to ignore being treated like this would outweigh my husband's discomfort in my actions of confronting the situation or removing myself from the situation, unfortunately.

I would not like to cause him discomfort, but in reality, it wouldn't be me causing him the discomfort - it would be the behaviour of his sister, and the enabling behaviour of his parents. I would not take the responsibility for taking action to rectify a situation where someone was treating me like this.

My answer would be to remove myself from the situation until the SIL could behave like an adult towards me. If that causes problems for the husband, then it is unfortunate, but why should I have to put up with being treated like that by anyone, related or not?

But squeaky is it right that his want to go with me should out-weigh my need to feel protected by him?

TBH I am still struggling to see what she is actually doing that is so problematic. So she doesn't really like you, so what? Is she mean and rude to you, does she physically attack you? What does she do other than not treat you as a friend ( which you aren't anyway)

Chevy - i could understand if it was an event for her. But it's for FIL. Can't you just go and blank her. There is no way i wouldn't go and give her the satisfaction of thinking she'd driven me away. I'd go and completely ignore her. Sit at the opposite end of the table, be charming and laugh loudly. Then leave and not say goodbye to her.

Because the big blow up event ie the christening is a total storm in a teacup

I would ring her op, and if you have a phone that records then do so, if you know your being recorded you won't say anything provocative to spark a fight.

All this piggy in the middle will be driving your dh mad, my dad is the same he will protect all of us to the death but a row starts in the family and it is min or my mums fault (regardless of who caused it)

you dh will more than likely know you are in the right, maybe u should remind him he didn't talk to his sister for what ever reasons.

Why the hell should the OP hide her feelings when the PIL's choice to ignore their daughter's snub just enables her shitty behaviour. I would ALWAYS make my feelings plain about that!

The OP's choice NOT to gloss over the SIL's actions is just as valid a choice as the PIL's and her DH's choice to enable the SIL to continue behaving in a shitty manner without being called on it ignore the snub.

One does not cancel out the other. The OP is perfectly within her rights to shout out and be cross with her SIL's behaviour. If that caused a row, that is because she was making it hard for the PIL and her DH to continue ignoring the SIL's shitty behaviour.

OK, that might have been hard for the PIL and the OP's DH. But she has spent 4 fucking YEARS doing it their way. Maybe now they should spend 4 years doing it her way, confronting the behaviour and calling the SIL out on it every time she behaves like a shit.

If not, then they should not have a problem with the OP removing herself from the situation.

Why should the OP be the one who has to take all this, not saying a word, when it's mostly directed at HER. Surely then the OP gets the choice about how to react.

And if her DH starts issuing ultimatums that she HAS to accompany him to these events, and that he WON'T stand up for her to his sister, well, then he's a cunt. That's emotional abuse IMO.

If he does that, I'd be pointing to the door and telling him I hope it hit him on the way out!

And as for not listening to the voicemail, how in denial about his sister's shitty treatment of the OP, who he is meant to love, IS HE? He is so far in denial that he won't countenance listening to a voicemail that proves it to him, because it might force him to act.

I'd start playing the voicemail on fucking speakerphone and MAKE him confront just what a shit his sister is being to you. Don't tell him, just do it!

Break his ability to sweep this under the carpet, no matter what the costs to you are.

But then, I won't tolerate this shit. When my MIL was acting like your SIL, and my ex refused to confront it, I recorder her hissing to me that she wished I was dead, and that she would dance on my grave. He had no choice but to listen and confront his denial, and how much it had affected me, and how much he had been asking of me to continue to pussyfoot around her rather than remove myself from the situation entirely!

He wants to go to see his family, not just his sister, but the rest of the family, the ones that you also get on with.

You are the one making him feel torn between siding with you and missing out on family functions, or going on his own, and feeling bad about you missing out.

What is the worst that could happen if you go? If you dont go, people WILL be talking about you, and making their own assumptions. If you go, and the sister is rude or ignorant, then SHE is the one making herself look stupid.

But why can't she go and tell SIL to fuck off. That's what i would do with my sister. I don't expect my parents to take sides, even tho it is entirely caused by sis, but i would have no qualms if she started saying stuff to me to tell her exactly how i felt.

Agree with squeaky, if you don't go they will talk about you and your DH will be forced into a horrid situation. Just go and tell her to do one, then pour yourself a wine and eat your dinner while celebrating with PIL.

It's not right that your DH misses out on important events for his Father and Mother because you don't want to go, it's right htat he'll go to his father's retirement/65th birthday party - to not go would be a snub to his dad. What's your FIL done to diserve your DH cutting his own dad out?

I think you should accept SIL is your DH's sister, and while he probably hates her behaviour, he also loves her as big brothers do. If pushed, he'll pick you, but you could be the bigger person and not force him to pick, but to 'manage' her. If you said "ok, I'm not going to make you cut her out, but we need to think as a couple how we are going to manage her so she can't hurt us or anyone else." he'll be more open to it.

I would suggest you don't refuse to go to your FIL's 65th birthday, I would refuse (or be ill on the day if need be) any invites from her, but not from your FIL who hasn't done anything wrong. Whether or not you want it too, you will look like you are snubbing FIL, not SIL. If you say "well I'll go if you don't invite her" you are being very mean to them, how can they uninvite their DD without it being effectively cutting her off?

So you go to PIL's events (not SILs), you avoid talking to her at all times, if you have to talk to her, you are polite and answer any questions, I wouldn't bother asking her anything about her life, keep conversations to a minimum. Do'nt call, e-mail, or pay any attention to her. Treat her like a 3rd cousin once removed, you'll smile and be 'nice' at a family do, but not actually emotionally invest.

If you are only talking about 1-2 events a year, then you can manage this. You can also manage it without your DH realising you're doing it - be busy if events are v important, "I can't make it" rather than "I don't want to go if SIL will be there" - you could go years without seeing her this way without ever having to have a drama.

Dont I have neither asked Dh to not go to bday party nor asked them to uninvite SIL. I just don't want to be in her presence. Just me.

Sqeaky and dontmind - the DH doesn't have to miss out. He can choose to go without her.

But the point is, the OP isn't saying her DH can't go to family functions. Just that she won't while her SIL is treating her like this and he won't stand up for her.

Her DH has shown himself to be strongly in denial about the effect of his sister's behaviour on his wife, and is not appreciating the fact that after 4 years of ignoring it and turning the other cheek for her DH's sake, he STILL hasn't stepped up and stood up for her. So he still won't of it happens again.

Why should she put up with being the emotional punchbag for this family, regardless of how it makes her feel, when she could simply remove herself from the situation?

And why the HELL should she have to LIE about her reasons? Saying she is ill is not on. I WOULD be being honest about my reasons for not attending. Why should I be forced to lie? I won't enable this behaviour, and lying about your reason for non-attendance IS enabling shitty behaviour.

I'm thoroughly enjoying the CouthyRage on this thread!

Sorry that should be 'CouthyRAGE'