To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

[Blackonesugarplease]

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

If by 'PC' you mean 'living in the 21st century', well then sure I guess...

I'm just being honest.....yes my DP can/will hoover, cook etc but he doesn't want to be SAHP when challenged by myself on the subject as he doesn't see it as a cushdy option as is being portrayed on this thread! He sees it as a job that he doesn't want to do probably because like my brother he enjoys the status of professional employment and as we all know there is none given to SAHP! The reality is he couldn't handle me being the sole earner, it is the same for my DB who has admitted it. This is not the same thing as me earning as well. How do you know the OPs DH fundamentally cares about being considered for SAHP. My DP is only 31 and would not admit this in certain circles. As I said he only admits to this when challenged by me. My DB openly admits.

Yes, yes 21st century where all men, esp. Middle class ones with partners who chat on MN are all very much in agreement with your values and principles?

Scottishmummy, I missed your post about breastfeeding and work. It is not a reason to give up work. That is not what I was saying. It is the reason I, instead if my husband, gave up work. That is clearly what I was saying if you read back over my post. My husband is marvellous but he can't lactate.

kitty I think the point is that many women do breast feed and work.

And many do not!

Englishgirl that highlighted papagraph exactly summed up my experience of SAHMing.

kittyandthefontanelles Tue 28-Aug-12 13:50:14
My husband is marvellous but he can't lactate.

It's a very long time ago, but ISTR XW expressed at first. She couldn't get on with BF, so we went to bottle after about 6 w Ds 4 w DD; I thought it was lovely , because I got to feed my children, and bond with them more closely. Your DH's MMV

Goldenbear -- I mean it's the 21st century and thus the idea that a man 'can't handle' his partner being the sole earner is pretty sad.

We are not middle class, we have always been low income and I was brought up working class (though am not English so admit I don't totally get your point about middle class).

But my DH happily was a SAHD at times when it made the most sense for us as a family, and probably will be again next year for a while.

The idea that we wouldn't do the best thing for us because of 'status' and outmoded gender expectations... I mean, really? I can't even imagine. Who cares?

" It is the reason I, instead if my husband, gave up work. That is clearly what I was saying if you read back over my post. My husband is marvellous but he can't lactate. "

but you could have carried on breastfeeding and working. If it's the reason you gave up (THE reason) then that's a bit odd given the fact that you can breastfeed and work, depending on the baby's age.

Sounds to me like you're in shock and over reacting.
This will massively affect your husband and not necessarily for the better.
Think you should take a few weeks parental leave or reduce job to 3 or 4 days per week for now.
Don't rush. The market is awful too! Be proud of what you've achieved. It's easily taken away!

Well yes, who cares? Unfortunately quite a lot of people still care about these things, the 21st century has not, by a long shit made everyone equal.

In relation to this thread, I'm not sure we can say that poor old hubby may feel an injustice over not being able to be at home with the children. Does he have any desire to do so or is it just the OP, she hasn't said anything to suggest this. He may feel like mine that he has no desire to do so atall - nothing to do with the century we're in!

One more chap-I'm sorry but I don't know what ISTR or MMV means.

Wordfactory. But that wasn't MY point. My point was that one of us was going to give up work so it made sense that it was the one who would be having another baby and is producing milk. We are very happy with our situation thank you so we don't need a critique.

Oops - 'shot' not 'shit'

From what you posted it looks like you really need this time with your children now. I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope you have someone to talk to, and understand how you're feeling. I'd look at the practical aspects of being a SAHM and try to work it out with the DH, with the facts and figures, how it can be done. If he doesn't agree and you still go ahead it could cause all sorts of resentments in the long term.

I think you should ignore some of the nonsense posted about SAHMs being perenially poor, powerless and pregnant (just my own words! it was more on the lines of poor, unkempt and dull isn't it?) and pick out the constructive points that people, both SAHM and WOHM, have given. It looks like it's going to be a huge change for you, so be prepared for the reality of how it's going to be. And don't think that it's being a "precious moments mama" (or whatever's the current disparaging term to make some people feel better about their choices) to want to spend time with your children. It is lovely, if you can afford it and if it's what you both want.

I am very sorry for your loss. I also think that in the current financial climate, you should think very, very hard before giving up your job. Negotiate it down by all means - but it's truly grim, the employment scene out there.

BTW I have never, ever, once regretted not being a SAHM.

I was going to go down to 4 days a week but am glad I didn't as my DH has suddenly lost his job. OP, do you think you would be able to get back into full time work quickly if the same were to happen to your DH?

kitty no one is giving a critique. You simply didn't make yourself clear.

But it is incredibly important that women aren't given the impression that they can't work and breastfeed.
If we want rates of breastfeeding to increase in the UK, we need to ensure no silly myths continue.

But Goldenbear- I still don't see the 'pc' relevance. It's not pc it's just normal these days to expect that women and men will have a similar outlook.

I can understand that in my granny's day, for example, many girls werenr allowed by their parents to stay on at school, access to university was more limited, women were barred from certain professions and also had less control over fertility. It was therefore not surprising that more women expected to get married, have kids and stay home and more men expected to be the breadwinner.

None of those things apply these days, and women are very likely to meet their partner at uni or in the same workplace. So it just seems entirely natural to many couples that they can both equally do domestic stuff or work stuff

I am not criticing any one individuals situation at all, because each family makes their own decisions. But to suggest that it's somehow very 'pc' to have a husband who is capable of looking after kids and for a woman capable of a career is odd

I have a dd and a ds and I would find it really odd if either of them assumed anything so black and white about their futures

To all who are querying. My reason for giving up work was that I wanted to stay at home with my daughter. I didn't want anybody elselooking after her. By that I mean a nursery or child minder. This is my choice, I'm not imposing it on anyone else or saying my way is the only way. Someone asked why it is always the woman who stay at home, I explained why it was in our case. That is where the breastfeeding and the fact we are planning another ASAP came into it. I can only speak for us.

Dueling, in theory you can but how does it work in reality? It's like the right to apply for flexi working. Yes you can but in reality how many applications for doing so are accepted. My SIL applied to leave at 5.30 on a flexi work application, this was a City Law firm they rejected, she took it further and got a paying off settlement. This happened to her sister aswell who was in HR FGS. Yes there are employment laws in place bit it doesn't mean everyone is equal!

I work for a law firm. My flexi working request was accepted. And I am still breatfeeding.

WordPress. If you read the exchange between janey and I earlier this morning I think it is clear that I was going to do just that prior to deciding to give up work. I support it wholeheartedly. Now my daughter has woken so I'm off.

I worked for a college of further education. My flexible working application was denied. I resigned. They don't have to agree to it.

I worked flexibly when the children were smaller then upped my hours to full time later. IME it is often a lot easier to get flexible hours when you're already working in a company- which is another reason the op may want to consider keeping her options open.