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Original poster

To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

400 replies

Blackonesugarplease · 28/08/2012 08:44

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 28/08/2012 22:42

Bloody hell. The sense of entitlement some women carry about is staggering.

angelpinkcar · 28/08/2012 22:46

Ha Ha, go ahead mate, good luck.

Goldenbear · 29/08/2012 00:12

chubbfuddler, what an alarmingly sexist comment! Where does a sense of entitlement come into it? A SAHP does a job of caring for their children full time, for any of those ready to pick holes, make note that I talked of a SAHP providing care for their children FT not that those working are PT mothers as some sensitive souls seem often to jump on , on these kinds of threads.

Some women and men have no desire to be a SAHP for whatever reasons, they therefore do not see such a choice as a sense of entitlement. My DP certainly would not think I had a sense of entitlement in wanting to stay at home with the children. This implies it is a reward, a luxury, in our household one of us at home for babies/toddlers was a necessity and was and always has been viewed as hardwork but rewarding. It was never some fanciful thing where the patronising and dismissive term, 'sense of entitlement' had/has any relevance!

Viviennemary · 29/08/2012 00:15

It is a fact of life that these days many people view being able to be a stay at home parent is a luxury. As so few people can afford to do this.

TellyBug · 29/08/2012 00:24

It you're about to have another baby, can you make this decision at the end of your mat leave? It will give you some time to deal with this bereavement and perhaps give you some clarity.

Goldenbear · 29/08/2012 00:29

We couldn't afford not to do this for our first DC as child care costs and my annual train ticket to London would've left us better off by about £150. Equally, I did not want to leave my DS full time at 11 months, my DP who was a part ii Achitect at the time, so not qualified fully, did not want this either so we lived in a 1 bedroom flat until DS was 2. It was not in any way a luxury lifestyle! So what exactly did I feel entitled to? My DP did not want to be a SAHP, I have enabled his career by default with my preferences, he certainly therefore does not use the 'entitlement' terminology to describe our set up!

Goldenbear · 29/08/2012 00:51

Also, 'these days' there is no longer an societal expectation that woman will stay at home to rear children- rightly so. This is often also a reason that both parents are working full time. It is not only because it is a luxury that so many people cannot afford. Obviously that is the case with some.

Goldenbear · 29/08/2012 00:52

Women not 'woman'

Goldenbear · 29/08/2012 00:53

A not 'an'

Leena49 · 29/08/2012 05:30

Lots of people manage to be SAHMs and don't go mad. I did it for 2 years and went mad. Back at work full time and love it but I have a flexible job with lots of holidays so it works for me.
I think a bereavement can affect good decision making sometimes. Give it more time then see if you want to.

janey68 · 29/08/2012 05:36

I think the sense of entitlement perhaps related to women who think that they have a greater right than the father when it comes to the big life decisions about earning and caring.

That isn't directed towards most of the women who've posted on here, as most have completely accepted that the father is an equal parent. However there was one poster upthread who said staying at home is the most important job a woman can do (wtf?!) and I have come across some women in RL who stay at home basically because they prefer it to working, rather than because they've talked it through as a family and agreed it is the optimum situation for everyone at that particular time. I actually have a couple of work colleagues who went part time years ago when their kids were little and now many years later still work part time and have a little snigger every now and then that it's not that they need to, it's just that they want an easy life. Now thats a sense of entitlement.

Btw I am not saying people shouldn't work pt - if it's affordable within the family then it's up to each family to decide. I just feel its pretty disrespectful and taking the piss the way these two women discuss it, as clearly they put their own wants before their husbands

But i stress that these women are a minority thank goodness because those attitudes don't do women any favours

Pitmountainpony · 29/08/2012 06:56

If you really feel it is right for you do it.
I think 450 is plenty. The luxury of being able to be with your kids and not juggle it all is worth it even though it is hard work. I find I do not miss all those luxuries I spent my money on when I worked because I feel having this time is worth more than that other stuff as it is such a small section of life, but one that is very significant for your kids.
I left well paying job and am happy with the decision. I really do think when you earn more money you actually fritter it often on stuff to take the sting out of that feeling you are always slogging away and kind of less present to life, and whilst sahm is tiring I do think you have that space to just enjoy the simple pleasures of life, and to actually enjoy your children in a more relaxed way than when engaged in the frenzied juggle, many have no choice over and some I guess prefer it that way.

Boobz · 29/08/2012 07:12

I stopped working to have 3 kids in 3 years. I am not working now and am starting to feel like I am going to find it hard to get back into my "career" if I don't do something about it soon.

I am not a good SAHM (and I have help!). I need to go back to work.

And I don't think 450 is a lot but it's all relative, right?

Good luck with your decision OP.

gettingeasier · 29/08/2012 07:19

Did this issue ever get discussed before you had DC ?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/08/2012 07:21

Actually I don't agree that 450 is plenty.

If that is to cover car repairs, household repairs, holidays, trips, treats, clothes, plus then all the expenses of school.

I know that a lot of people have no choice but to manage on that or less, but if the OP is used to having more than that.
For example this month we have bought first uniform for DS1 - £80, had a dangerous tree taken down in our garden - £130, needed the plumber out - £70. My car is going in for a new tyre next week - £110, and we have a family wedding to go to which is going to cost £250 plus present, and that does not include outfits. Our dishwasher is also on the way out and will cost £££ to replace.
That is £640 plus whatever the dishwasher would be, and none of that is avoidable expenditure, just necessary.

lc200 · 29/08/2012 07:45

I gave up my career to be a SAHM after my Mum died. I was a newly qualified teacher in my third term. I have never, ever for one minute regretted it. I went back to work two years ago this Sept after a rule change meant that I was still qualified, and had to start right at the bottom of the ladder. I don't hang around at work long enough to get myself known for promotion now, as I want to get my essential work done and then get home to the children.

You have to do what works for your family. DH was set against me doing this at the time, and said that I would be bored and regret it. I wasn't, and didn't. He is now flying in his career, partly because I was a SAHM, so he could agree to work late / go to conferences at a moment's notice / have time to finish things off properly, because he knew childcare was covered. Not a luxury we have now that I am back at work!

We have a lot more disposable income now, and I won't deny that it's nice to have. But there's no way I would have wanted more disposable income and less time with the kids when they were little. Those are memories that will stay with me forever.

outtolunchagain · 29/08/2012 07:59

Gosh this thread has moved on a lot since I posted early on, just wanted to respond to Janey on part timers with older children. I do think parenthood is the long game , everyone talks about the precious moments when they are babies but in my experience it has been most difficult to have a career with older children and I have found I have needed to be around more in the early teenage years , holidays are more difficult and they have more input ,plus it's more a case of just being around if they need to talk etc and also being part of their lives, I think this is difficult to understand when you have littlies but I have found that I am not alone in finding work more difficult at this stage , childcare for a 3 year old is a cinch in comparison.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that you need to be quite canny if you don't want to find yourself stranded. I have worked all sorts of combinations of hours over the years but now do 2/3 of a week but because I am pretty senior I have a lot of control over my hours and am able to flex them to enable me to attend school events, dental appointments etc.If you can in any way however small keep your career going over this period where they are small then it is worth doing for the payback you get when they are older.

nkf · 29/08/2012 08:03

My ex gave up a job to retrain within six months of us getting married. It was a good decision but I did resent that he just made the decision unilaterally. I was earning well and we did more than manage but it felt annoying to have him just go "okay, I'm going to do this thing," without talking to me. It wasn't that I wanted the power of veto. It just felt as if I didn't matter or that we weren't discussing our finances jointly which we weren't. I think you want him to be more on board than he sounds at present.

Proudnscary · 29/08/2012 08:05

It's always so pointless when people start debating whether £XX is a good wage/monthly income! Depends on where you live and your mortgage/rent (and to a lesser extent your lifestyle, debts, outgoings, expectations, priorities). It's like that silly £40k thread on here - to some people that's a fortune to others it's a piss in the ocean.

dreamingbohemian · 29/08/2012 08:15

OP, it's interesting that you said the bereavement has given you a sense of clarity, not fogginess, so you don't think it's messed up your thinking. I know that sense of clarity, unfortunately it can be as misleading as fogginess when it comes to decision-making. That sense of 'all those little things aren't important, money isn't important', etc. -- it can be true for a while, but real life is pretty persistent.

Clarity can feel so much like truth, but often it's just a way of looking at complex life more simply, in a way that won't necessarily be reflected in reality. I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense, I hope you get my drift.

NurseBernard · 29/08/2012 08:17

^" ...as clearly they put their own wants before their husbands

But i stress that these women are a minority thank goodness because those attitudes don't do women any favours"^

There are plenty of men who put their wants before their wives. I don't think they really give two hoots whether their attitudes do their gender any favours or not...

janey68 · 29/08/2012 08:18

Outunchagain- yes I do agree about childrens needs changing as they grow, and I said upthread that I personally dont like the way the pre school years are sometimes sanctified as though it's the be and all and end all to be home 24/7 then.

I also entirely agree that if a family believe its best for all members that one parent works part time then that's fine too (as long as they can afford it)

The thing I find unpalatable with these two women I mentioned is that they openly admit there is no need to work part time, they say things like 'I don't let on to my husband that there are full time jobs going ' and 'hope he never cottons on and decides he wants an easy life too'
Now that's disrespectful and entitled

In our family dh and I both work full time at the moment. (primary age children) . If at some point in future (eg transition to secondary/ teenage years) we feel it's right to have a parent around a bit more, we'll discuss and negotiate it. I have to say personally if one of us is to go part time, I would hope it would be dh, simply because I was part time when the kids were little. Thinking of the children first, it would be great for them to have that extra time with dad - Because that's how I see it, it's enabling the children to build the relationship and be nurtured by both parents, not about the lifestyle choice of the parent (whether that choice is SAHP or full on career person)

Arabellasmella · 29/08/2012 08:37

everyone does whats best for them and their family and you could call any decision selfish if you wanted, especially if one person wanted it more than the other. The women with older children who work part time are probably running the house too. Now both of my boys are in school, I can see the long game, and don't expect to work full time till they are a lot older. I really struggle with the fact that when you are in a family you have to put your personal needs last. I think if you are in a couiple and one person is really unhappy, then the other person would want them to be happy and try to find a way to make it work.

timetoask · 29/08/2012 08:40

Op, I believe that having small children, even teenagers, is not compatible with having a full on working life.
On the other hand, my advice is not to become a full time sahm. You will find it very hard to go back later. It's better if you find another role or jobs that will allow you to be at home earlier, or if you invest in retraining in a career that will allow this to happen, but don't leave it for years.

ByTheWay1 · 29/08/2012 10:49

lc200 raises a good point too

" He is now flying in his career, partly because I was a SAHM, so he could agree to work late / go to conferences at a moment's notice / have time to finish things off properly, because he knew childcare was covered. Not a luxury we have now that I am back at work!"

We found EXACTLY this - my hubby has flown upwards on his career path since I became a SAHM (well, now working part time round the kids needs) since he KNOWS all that is taken care of - the kids, the home, the garden, the booking appointments, the holidays - everything has been lifted so he can commit to things he would not have been able to if I had been working.

That has increased our financial standing and his self esteem and professional standing by shed-loads... and I feel my contribution to all this is valued because I can see this and - because he tells me so!!