To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

[Blackonesugarplease]

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

Not really onemorechap, why is it? That you feel the need to proclaim that did the feeds 20 years ago says it all really. What do you want a medal? My mother doesn't tell everyone she did the feeds 34 years ago! By stating that you're making it sound special, outside of the norm for your gender. If everyone was equal, given it's the 21st Century, then you wouldn't make that comment and know one would care, it would be insignificant but seen as this is not the case you feel the need to mention it.

PC lazy term I suppose but I think some men I stress SOME will sometimes pretend they hold the ideal principles regarding woman's rights/status but it is not always their true feelings. Likewise some men really want to be SAHP, never said they didn't.

To me YABU, but that's just because I couldn't survive knowing that we only had £450 pm. I like knowing we have money to go for lunches, holidays, dinner, play centres, swimming lessons, to buy clothes etc. I would also hate the thought of my DH earning all the money while I didn't contribute.

I don't like staying at home so my views are probably very different to yours, I love work, having my own time where I am BlingBubbles and not mummy, I love putting on work clothes and being part of an organisation and having coffee in peace

To me its about spending quality time with my DD rather than quantity.

In would only work if I 'had' to. I'd rather be with my children than afford better holidays and I can resume my career or start a new one when they are older. That's my take on it!

Quantity of time and quality of time are not mutually exclusive!

Goldenbear

I said 20 years ago to say it's not a new thing parents taking an equal role.

I still think your Taliban beheading wasn't germane to this
e.g

. fundamentally it can't be true that all men are PC otherwise [some clauses deleted] women wouldn't be beheaded by the Taliban if equality has been achieved in this world.

www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/aug/27/taliban-behead-17-afghan-partygoers suggests they are, as you say, failing as equal opportunity beheaders as the took 15 male heads to 2 female?

Onemorechap- oh I see. My husband gets involved in many, many other ways and is very proud of the fact that our daughter is still breastfed and hasn't had need for a bottle. I do get your point but it just isn't necessary in our case. He feeds her her evening meal, does her bathtime routine, bedtime story and more. Why should he do night feeds when he's at work the next day and I'm not?

To get back to the OP..... (where bf doesn't seem to be an issue..)
You have clearly been knocked for six by this bereavement.. But maybe at the moment you just need less pressure from work, rather than needing a wholesale change to the whole family set up. You have worked through having 3 kids so you're clearly a very capable woman- why not ask your employer for a sabbatical or temporary part time ? IME employers are very keen to hold onto valuable employees; recruitment is so expensive apart from anything else

If a man or woman in my team approached me feeling as you do I would bend over backwards to support them because that's what you do for good loyal employees. That way you're not making an irreversible decision which you might regret

Janey, I wish you were my boss.

Just come back to this thread. I will ignore the SAHMvWOHM debate and reiterate what I said in my first post (and agree with Janey68).

I rashly chucked in my job when I was bereaved. I wish I had asked for a sabbatical, I am sure I they would have agreed as they were very cut up for me. But i wasn't thinking clearly, I really wasn't.

Yes, I had more time with my surviving child, but we had very little money and it was tough. I ended up freelancing, as I really had to bring in an income, but my career has never recovered. I actually had a fabulous, professional part time job and they are so hard to find.

Over ten years down the line, our children are thriving and i am working part time in a professional role again. But we are poorer and live in a smaller house than if I had stayed at work and taken a career break.

So do think on and make sure you explore all options with your employer.

I would say this is more than a SAHP/WOHP debate (though the comments about sacrificing holidays have already begun) and that the OP really does have to take her DP's thoughts into consideration.

What was your agreement before this berevement happend, before the kids came along? How would you feel if your DH decided that he wanted to stay at home? After all, he could probably argue just as strongly about why it would be a good thing and using the same reasons as you - he would be with the kids more etc etc. By that I mean if your worry is about the kids not seeing you so much then it doesn't matter who stays at home so it could just as well be him.

I was off for 13 months after I had ds and I loved being at home with him. I've been working since and have enjoyed it but am about to become a SAHM again.

My DP is very supportive though and thinks it's silly for me to work if I don't have to. But, I do have a job/career I can go back to fairly easily. I wouldn't expect him to fund me staying at home unless he as 100% behind the idea too.

If you're the kind of person that wants to be a SAHM then I do believe it is better for you and your children to be at home. But everyone has to be in agreement, and you need to ensure you are in equal control of family finances.

this is a proposal dh needs to agree to.
can't propel him into sole wage earner because you fancy it.
discussion and ability to both compromise will be key

Dueling, I see your point about needing to take DP's thoughts into consideration (I said the same) -

But the OP isn't posting about her desire for one of the parents to be at home more for the children to have more family time. She is talking about a strong emotional desire to be with them more, a lot more, herself. The argument that 'it doesn't matter' which parent stays home isn't really relevant because that's not the situation they are in. There has been no hint whatsoever that her DP wants to be a SAHP.

A better way of framing the question might be how she would react if her DP felt he was very unhappy at work, couldn't go on as he was and wanted to take a couple of non or low earning years out to retrain, or perhaps switch professions to one that was very fulfilling but paid peanuts.

Or how she would react if one of his parents got a serious illness, and he wanted to nurse them himself, giving up work to do so.

Those are all scenarios where personal needs have to be balanced with the overall needs of the family, and where responsibility for income matters. i think they are all reasonable things for someone to want to do - and to try and negotiate with their partners to make them happen.

I mention that only because there's a hint on this thread that somehow the OP is being a bit selfish by wanting to give up work and spend more time with her children. But if her mother was chronically ill and she wanted to spend more time with her - would we be saying that was selfish?

I've been thinking about this a bit today, and while I do absolutely think that the immediate period after a bereavement is no time to make big decisions - I think that it's entirely reasonable that big life events make you look at your priorities in a new way. How often has a big health scare prompted someone to change jobs or take a whole new direction? Even if the OP isn't ultimately able to give up work, she may well find a new way of organising her life to let her focus on the things she feels are most important. Surely that's a good thing.

I gave up my career to bring up our children (soon to be 3!) we don't have anywhere near £450 a month left after everything is paid but you know what it doesn't matter, the kids have me all day every day. I do all the cooking for them, the school runs, i am home or local if one is poorly and needs to come home.
We are about £1400 a month worse off with me being at home but we agreed that the kids will benefit more having a parental home than holiday clubs/breakfast & after school club. Mine are 5, 3 & soon to included a new born.I will go back to work when they are older but for now this is best for us.

sorry for all the typos lol on my phone :/

did your support that choice
the rub here is op dh isn't happy,that is significant
a mutually agreed choice is completely different from a choice op makes imposed upon her dh

Thanks again all, to clarify, the kids are all under 5, and DH is mainly concerned about the finances rather than the principle of me being at home. Lots to think about and I certainly won't be making a rash decision.

And it's coffee, ick to black tea

understandable to worry about finances
in recession it's Big ask to be sole earner,and give up a job
ESP if used to being a 2wage household

I don't blame your husband for being concerned about finances. Your children are v v young. They get a lot more expensive, not less.

I still think a sabbatical/flexible working request is the best thing to buy you some time to discuss/negotiate with Dh properly.

I think your dh is being unreasonable.
We both made the decision for me to be a sahm, luckily we both felt the same from day one.
I think you should do what you want to do with your own children and it has nothing to do with anybody else.
Too many people judge other peoples choices and as you have experienced Life is too short. I am sorry for your bereavement, I also reassessed my priorities a few years ago due to this. Good luck, I hope you can get your dh to see sense.

keyphraseboth felt same way,this isn't op case
it's everything to do with both of them it needs to be discussed and an outcome acceptable to both reached
no woman can automatically expect to be housewife whilst male earns.the man has a say too,given he's going to be sole earner

morethan how can you say he is being unreasonable when you haven't heard his side of the story?
Maybe he doesn't want the pressure of being the sole earner;or
Maybe his job is insecure and he is afraid he will be made redundant; or
Maybe his work is commission based and there isn't much business coming in at the moment.

He may have very valid reasons for being concerned and it may be very reasonable of him to voice those concerns.

Each family has to work out the best solution based on their circumstances.

I am a SAHM on a career break, for 6 months. Although at the time I really needed time out from my job which is very part-time and I would not earn what I was getting part-time in a full time where I am currently living. I really felt like you at the time of just jacking it all in and saying thats it I have had enough. I have now been off for nearly 4 months and now not receiving a wage and we are living off my DH salary. He works away and I am on my own with the children for days on end. Don't get me wrong I love it and I am really trying to find a part-time job to fit in with the children holidays etc but they are like gold dust. I had a lot of advice from family and friends that I had convided in which were very conflicting. I know you have suffered a bereavment in the family which I also did at the time of deciding along with a lot of other factors. It is very hard not being able to buy those things that you take for granted like toiletries, make up underwear for yourself as lets face it most of our money goes on the DC's. The career break is swiftly flying by. I have enjoyed the 6 weeks hols off with the DC's but I have spent a vast majority on my own as DH has been working over time to make up for my wage loss. So its swings and roundabouts, if you don't hate your job and you rather like it, but are finding it difficult, speak to your boss and you may be able come to an arrangement where you can work form home one or two days a week? My friend was similar to you, she went to hand in her notice and because good staff are hard to find they asked her how they could help and they all came to a agreed solution. So its worth thinking about speak to work, tell them how you are feeling they will probably be a lot more helpful than you think, good luck, its shit being poor LOL!!!!!

My DH was dead against my career break for years and one day I just thought oh F*K it and did it. Its hadrd mind, have been mithering about whether to go back or not now for months. Can't decide, may be I should start a new thread.

What would you have said if he had done that?