To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

[Peachesinthesummertime]

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour

I think that the OP is badly worded and my not be exactly what the OP means.

whatme I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "what rights are these?" as part of our right to do what we want with our bodies. And yes, my DH has a right even if I don't refuse sex to have sex with someone else. But with that choice comes repercussions, such as me leaving him. But he has the right to do that.

Just like the OP has the right to practise abstinence over other contraception choices. Her dh certainly does have the right to not have an operation. I would just think in a partnership he would be willing to explain why he chooses to exercise that right. I'm not saying he should 100% have a vasectomy but he should at least have the decency to try and explain why not.

I'm afraid I think a man has a right to refuse to have a vasectomy. Not sure if I agree with it's his turn now. It's quite difficult if both partners can't come to a solution that is accepable to both. I don't think it's unreasonable to insist on abstinence till something can be sorted out.

Forcing abstinence from you on your husband is controlling and manipulative to if you are planning on doing that for an extended period of time until he changes his opinion. I wouldn't be surprised if that behavior just forced him to go somewhere else for sex.

Is the male pill available yet?

If it is i would combined that with condoms.

I can't take the pill either so use condoms. Luckily I've never had one split.

I completely understand you not wanting to physically go through any more, especially as your baby is only 8 weeks old! It is a joint responsibility so i think the appointment at the clinic is a good idea.

"I can bet you £100 that a man who threatened to withhold sex from his wife until she got herself sterilised would be called emotionally abusive"

Kayano WTF? If the wife's lack of sterilisation meant that a man had to get pregnant, feel sick for a minimum of 3 months, experience his body transforming into something he never imagined in his fearsomest nightmares, endured an agonising experience, lasting days, culminating in his most sensitive and treasured sexual organs being ripped to pieces, stitched together with indifference and a shrug . . . then finding himself virtually housebound for months due to another person's total reliance on chewing the fuck out of another of his hitherto prized body parts, add to this financial dependence on another person and a total trashing of his career . . . then perhaps we might have a parallel to discuss here.

But I don't think we do.

Novack, do you think his right to penetrative sex trumps her right to not get pregnant? I don't mean that aggressively, am curious.

24Hours

"There are loads of contraceptive options, they all don't suit everybody.in op's case the list had been whittled down to two. And the husband gets to pick."

Which is ok unless the choices are unfair.

Oh sorry I missed the memo that said every woman gets sick for a minimum of 3 months?

I stand by what I said

This isn't about symptoms of pregnancy, this is about control and manipulation

I stand by what I said

I'm astounded by the posts on this thread!

If he wants a shag he can get the snip.

I'd never advise anyone to get the coil after my friends experience. It caused an infection. She was hospitalised and away from her DCs for several weeks, could have died and almost had a hysterectomy which would have resulted in immediate menopause and all the lt health/early death implications of that.

Taking hormones for 30 years can't be good for us either.

And refusing piv is never ever abuse.

Zhx3 where did we see anything about OP's DH asserting his right to penetrative sex?

And if your body transforms into something you never imagined in your fearsomest nightmares, you obv haven't got a realistic view of pregnancy or done
Any research or prep at all

PooPooOnMars

The male pill is still being developed, but after much discussion on here it was decided that the "menz" couldn't be trusted to take it.

There was also a subtext of it taking away a womans right to have children.

Balloonslayer, its not actually a competition. And the argument you are using is differently emotive and certainly manipulative.

Fairness of women's ability to have children is irrelevant. The principles of consent do not change with gender.

definitely* not differently.

Margerykemp Sun 26-Aug-12 21:56:26
And refusing piv is never ever abuse.

I don't think anyone actually said it was.
Abstinence which is what the OP said might be, perhaps.

Having said that refusing sexual contact to achieve an aim isn't nice froom either side.

I don't think he has a right to have sex with her at all if she chooses not to and she has no right to expect him to have an operation he does not want to. I think a couple without sexual intimacy will possibly lead to one looking for sexual experiences out with the marriage if sex is used as a bargaining tool as the OP implies and so if you do that then don't be surprised if that part of the relationship moves out of the relationship to involve someone else quite frankly.

Perhaps the guy is absolutely shit scared of having a medical procedure?

The OP needs to talk to him imo...whilst showing some concern and sympathy/empathy.

That should get to the bottom of his reasons.

I agree that Peaches' DH cannot be forced into having a vasectomy. But she should not be pressured into unwanted penetrative sex either. It would be utterly abhorrent for her DH to suggest/believe that she should consent to PIV sex whenever he wants it, and take full responsibility for contraception into the bargain.

The OP doesn't have to get sterilised to take control of her reproductive health, just as her husband doesn't have to have a vasectomy. They can both avoid sexual acts that carry a risk of pregnancy, and then neither of them has to have surgery. By saying no PIV sex, she is taking control of her body and her health. TBH, I'm stunned at the attitude that the woman has to either take full responsibility for contraception or get sterilised, because her husband has sexual rights over her body that she cannot take away from him.

onemorechap I was curious about Novack's post saying that OP shouldn't be surprised if dp went elsewhere for penetrative sex if she refused it.

Boney back - process f elimination, rose are the options left. Fair doesn't come into it.
Female sterilization. A big procedure( disregarding previous pgs )
Male sterilization - much more straightforward.
Abstinence - unpleasant for both, but effective.

OP YANBU to decline sex with your dh for any reason. I can really identify with not wanting sex because of the fear of pregnancy.

Vasectomy is a simple/effective solution. Not sure from this thread why he wont have this done.

Those who think it is to be unfaithful if the OP declines sex, wtf century are you in?

Perhaps the OP was shit scared of all the medical procedures associated with pregnancy too? Didn't get the choice to avoid them though when an unwanted pregnancy occurred.

And to clarify, the OP isn't suggesting stopping sexual contact, just penetrative sex.

But OP isn't refusing penetrative sex to make her dh have a vasectomy. She is refusing it because she doesn't want more children and the other methods of contraception which are in her control haven't worked for her. And she doesn't want to undergo a major operation to get herself sterilized.