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AIBU?

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Original poster

To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

473 replies

Peachesinthesummertime · 26/08/2012 18:57

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 27/08/2012 01:55

right thread yeah

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 01:59

Blue balls?! What a load of, well, balls!

dublindee · 27/08/2012 02:55

Have any of you considered that the reason why Peaches DH refused to talk about the option of a vasectomy might have been down to the way the subject was brought up?

Peaches herself has admitted she may have been argumentative or pointing the finger instead of asking for a calm open discussion. She has now agreed to retry and approach from a new perspective.

Leena49 · 27/08/2012 07:09

I would never force anyone into having any sort of procedure. If my DH said he wants one fair enough but I've seen too many couples where the bloke has a vasectomy then they split because some woman in her 20s has demanded her fella gets the snip.
My DH is 42 but it is his choice not mine. He would never dream of asking me to be sterilised.

JustFabulous · 27/08/2012 08:51

Neither parent wants more children.

The OP has done the lions share and I would hazard a guess her life and body have been more affected and changed by having the children than her H's has.

We have 3 children. I was strongly advised not to have any more. On that basis I offered to be sterilised as I was the one with the issue (life threatened if I was to conceive again) but DH wouldn't hear of it. He said I had done all the hard work in giving him his children, the op for me is a bigger deal and it was his turn. I wasn't happy as I would have liked more children but I was grateful to him as I really didn't want another operation. I suspect someone will say I should have had the op even though dh offered and was 100% happy to go through with it. He has no regrets even though he was sore for a few days.

The OP's reasons for not wanting to use contraception or have an operation are totally valid. The OP's H's reasons for not wanting an operation are not specified. He is being a dick as he is thinking with it and not with his head/heart for the well being of his wife.

elinorbellowed · 27/08/2012 09:03

If she was refusing sex because she was trying to persuade him to buy something, or move somewhere, or join the gym or something else he didn't want to do, but didn't affect her life, then OP would be unreasonable.
Not in this case.
After 8 years on the pill and 2 c-sections, and knowing that our family was complete I gently suggested the snip, as I am allergic to GA and had ended up having all the medical intervention/hospital stays already. I did not want another pregnancy but emotionally would not have coped well with an abortion. He was a bit reluctant and I confess that I did with-hold PIV a bit until he agreed. Not as an ultimatum, just that I was too scared of getting pregnant. I bought some condoms and put them in his bedside drawer, but his hatred of using them won through and he went for it shortly after. He is very glad that he did and also discovered how many male friends/relatives have had it done once their families are complete.

OneMoreChap · 27/08/2012 09:07

elinorbellowed Mon 27-Aug-12 09:03:12
I confess that I did with-hold PIV a bit

No, you just didn't do piv, because you weren't happy doing it w/o a condom, which is fine.
[It makes it sound a bit like you were holding out a prize, which wasn't what you were doing]

DartsIsFun · 27/08/2012 09:32

I would agree the OP gets a proper talk at a family planning clinic. Some of the contraceptives she has ruled out appear to be based on things she's "heard".

EG, copper coil causing heavier periods. I don't believe this is true. From personal observation and in talking to other copper coil users, what really seems to be happening is that you lose the same amount of stuff during a period as you would have previously but the copper coil "encourages" your body to expel it all faster, hence the apparent heavy flow at the start of your period. For me and some others its heavy on day one but overall my periods are shorter than before, and mostly light on the following days.

However, DP and I are agreed we don't want further children, and avoided PIV sex until I got the coil sorted out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2012 10:20

Inertia

"He's not being forced into abstinence."

He has been two options without any discussion.

"He's got the option of acting like a grownup and discussing the options with the OP."

When the OP discusses all of the options I will agree with you

Kayano · 27/08/2012 10:26

This reminds me of a pisstake conversation I had with DH

DH: you can call dc any name you like as long as its xxx
Me: how about yyy?
DH: no
Me: zzz?
DH: no
Me: aaa
DH: no

Its xxx or no babies

Op is my DH in this scenario (of course it was a joke!

lipsticklover69 · 27/08/2012 10:33

How would you feel if he "demanded" you were sterilised? I think there is a lack of communication between both sides and you seem to be leaving the blame solely on him.
Discuss the options as mature adults as soon as possible because he may feel pressured to do something and may start to stray and im sure that is not what you want.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2012 10:33

Kayano

Its very much a Henry Ford situation

"Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black." :)

Margerykemp · 27/08/2012 10:34

Vasectomy isn't 100% effective either- sometimes it doesn't work 1st time. A friend had a post-v baby.

If you are that determined not to have another pg then maybe you should both get sterilised?

But I do still agree with you on DP being unreasonable in his downright refusal. I think you need to find out why. Is it the pain? Complications? Masculinity? Or closing the door on potential 2nd family if you break up? Face it men have this option into their 60s!

Kayano · 27/08/2012 10:35

Meh she might actually get her way though because I now actually do have xxx as a dc lol Blush

OneMoreChap · 27/08/2012 10:35

lipsticklover69 Mon 27-Aug-12 10:33:00
he may feel pressured to do something and may start to stray

What is he? A damn cat?
He'll
a) have a vasectomy
b) not have PIV
c) he and OP will come to some other agreement

This isn't about "the menz urges". What a peculiar post.

Kayano · 27/08/2012 10:36

Why should he list reasons?

A woman isn't asked to give reasons for an abortion or having kids

It's her body her choice and any pressure either way is ... Let's face it... Really really shit.

So why do women in this scenario feel they have the right to pile shit onto their husbands?

OneMoreChap · 27/08/2012 10:39

Margerykemp Mon 27-Aug-12 10:34:19
In my case it would have been the pain? Complications? and any sex was so infrequent it didn't seem worth the risk.

It isn't "just a bit of discomfort" in all cases - and as you pointed out, it's not infallible either - as I think another poster said something like 0.5% failure with female sterilisation.

I think OP and her DH will have some less pointed discussions and arrive at a mutually satisfactory conclusion.

Whatmeworry · 27/08/2012 10:47

I think OP and her DH will have some less pointed discussions and arrive at a mutually satisfactory conclusion

I hope it will be mutially satisfactory - IMO the way the OP approached the issue is instructive, I suspect she is somewhat used to getting her way

Kalisi · 27/08/2012 10:55

You are being completely and utterly unreasonable! There are hundreds of contraceptive ideas out there and you have dismissed a fair few and yet begrudge him saying no to surgery. Why is it so different from you refusing to even discuss sterilisation? It seems to me that you have made yourself a bit of a matyr in this relationship you've got a bloody nerve to withold sex until you get your way. This is not about 'having sex against your will' when your will seems determined by if you get your way. Outrageous.

NurseBernard · 27/08/2012 11:12

Thank God there are plenty of decent, loving men out there who are willing to step up to the plate and 'take their turn' on this front, and have a vasectomy once a mutual decision has been made for a couple to have no more children.

Given that women have to go through pregnancy, childbirth and then breastfeeding (if they choose to do that), a vasectomy is a mere token gesture in response to all that.

No, men can't do all those things - that's exactly the point, and why having a vasectomy is a mere drop in the ocean way of doing their share.

Not surprising to see all the usual suspects piling on to clutch their pearls on behalf of the poor old men, and to ensure that they don't have to do anything even close to pulling their weight. God knows what they'd do without you. Wink

Krumbum · 27/08/2012 11:17

Oh I definately think men should pull their weight and despise men who refuse or make a fuss about wearing condoms but no one should feel they have to have an operation! There's lots of ways of enjoying sex that don't risk pregnancy so it isn't really necessary either.

Kayano · 27/08/2012 11:19

But he could take responsibility and use condoms, it's not like he won't. It's op who put a stop to that.

We aren't defending 'the menzies' blindly, we are defending a persons (any sex) right to make decisions in regards to their own body'

You are just being pathetic and trying to diminish out quite valid argument by calling us the usual suspects by implying we are defending men when we are defending control over your own body

Krumbum · 27/08/2012 11:21

Sex isn't something women allow men to do to us. It should be a mutually pleasurable experience. Just because the op doesn't want piv doesn't mean she is 'withholding' sex from her dh, it's not a right to get piv from your wife. Not wanting to risk pregnancy and also take hormones is perfectly understandable. If you don't look at sex as just men getting the piv they deserve then it opens up a while new world!

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2012 11:30

NurseBernard
"Given that women have to go through pregnancy, childbirth and then breastfeeding ( if they choose to do that )"

I have put the important bit of your statement in bold.

Its all about choice and when your choices are limited by someone else it is no choice at all.

NurseBernard · 27/08/2012 11:34

For goodness sake, Kayano - I'm not suggesting anyone frog-march their unwilling partner into the clinic and tie him down while someone snips him....!?

I'm purposely referencing nice, kind, decent men who are happy to do this, and I'm celebrating those men. Y'know, the ones who recognise that women do their bit (and more) when it comes to putting their bodies through the mill, and acknowledge that a vasectomy is the least they can do to ensure the couple can continue to happy a happy, healthy sex-life, with no more contraception worries on either part.

What on earth is wrong with me singing the praises of lovely, kind men who can see beyond their own noses to the needs of others, and recognise the contribution they have made?