To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

[Peachesinthesummertime]

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

Krumbum

Abstinence definition:
(Medical Dictionary)
The act or practice of refraining from indulgence in an appetite, as for certain foods, drink, alcoholic beverages, drugs, or sex.
(in relation to contraception)
abstinence means not having any type of intercourse or sex play with a partner.

So not just PIV but any type of intercourse.
Very much a case of do what I say or you are not getting any.

But you dont risk pregnancy from other types of sex. Has the op said she is not interested in hsving any sexual experiences at all?
People often only mean piv when they say sex.

The OP has already said that she meant PIV - not total abstinence.

^Peachesinthesummertime Sun 26-Aug-12 20:34:49
Just to clarify, and my fault for being unclear, but I meant abstaining from penetrative sex, not abstaining from all intimacy.^

Krumbum
"Has the op said she is not interested in hsving any sexual experiences at all?"

Its in the title to the thread.

"piprabbit"

Fair enough but what exactly is meant by intimacy?
Is it cuddles, kissing and curling up on the sofa?
Or going down on each other?

From the OPs coment, I'd assume she means everything except penetration.

really?

IMO, the OP comes across as having very set boundaries as to what she will or won't do.

Yes, really.
I think "I meant abstaining from penetrative sex" is pretty clear.

oh where was this thread when I posted my double standards thread last weekk...

Ultimately, we are all responsible for ourselves. The argument that the woman has had the babies/fed the babies/had horrendous pregnancies is just a story to be used as an emotional stick to beat her dh with. So she had three children and didn't feel well before/during/after, big deal. Women have been having babies for centuries - it's what they do. Having had babies doesn't suddenly entitle you to some sort of special treatment - you chose to have them, your dh couldn't actually have them so if you wanted children that was what you had to do.

Ultimately if you'd chose to terminate your last pregnancy no-one would have suggested that it was your dh's baby too and he should give you ultimatums over it.

This is no different. If your dh doesn't want a vasectomy that is his choice. It is your choice to say that you don't feel comfortable having sex as you don't feel your contraception is reliable, but to use that as an ultimatum tool is frankly petty and childish.

Again, thank God for all the lovely, kind, nice, decent men who actually want to have a vasectomy.

"The argument that the woman has had the babies/fed the babies/had horrendous pregnancies is just a story to be used as an emotional stick to beat her dh with. So she had three children and didn't feel well before/during/after, big deal."

You sound lovely.

oh where was this thread when I posted my double standards thread last week

I agree, as i posted earlier, if a woman on MN posted "My DH wants me to have surgery so he doesn't have to use contraceptives, and won't shag me unti l I do have it" this place would go ballistic :o

How's about a diapragm?

I guess I just come at it from a slightly different angle from all the 'usual suspects' - while you all rush to defend selfish, entitled men and abhor the idea that they might have to put themselves out even a teensy bit; I'm more concerned about celebrating the nice, decent ones who behave well and consider others.

Small but significant difference.

NurseBernard Mon 27-Aug-12 12:12:03
I guess I just come at it from a slightly different angle from all the 'usual suspects'

I suspect you may also have read the OP's later comments which make her sound quite reasonable, as opposted to her first post, which didn't. I'm sure they'll sort it out.

I suspect she is actually quite reasonable and that the first post was written in exasperation and frustration. I'd be feeling like that too, I suspect.

Luckily for me, I'm married to a lovely man so I can only sympathise with her; if not empathise.

I am quite happy to be in the group that rushes "to defend selfish, entitled men and abhor the idea that they might have to put themselves out even a teensy bit;"

Because this puts me on the side that says my body my choice, her body her choice, his body his choice.

All this ?she had to go through pregnancy, childbirth and then breastfeeding? at any point she could?ve said no at that would have been fine. and she would have recieved a huge amount of support.

It is as had been said up thread just an emotional stick to beat him with.

Why should anyone be sterilised if they don't want to be. Doesn't matter how many children you've had it doesn't give you the right to insist that your oh is the one to go through with it if he doesn't want to.

No way would my dp get to tell me what I do with my own fertility and if he decided to withhold piv until I changed my mind I would think he was a selfish twat.

It is annoying that there arnt more contraceptives for men but currently that's just the way it is. Using 2 at once makes you much less likely to fall pregnant so say the copper coil plus condoms or some people have less side effect with the mini pill and you could use a diaphragm or condoms too. Also using condoms but still withdrawing before ejaculation cuts down the risk of pregnancy because if the condom has been damaged in any way you don't have semen in you.

Not everyone can get on with a coil, Mirena or Copper. I had a Mirena coil, and fell pregnant with DS2 while it was in (I also had the implant AT THE SAME TIME). After his birth, I had a copper coil fitted. It dislodged, and I ended up with a tear in my womb and an operation to fix that.

So a coil doesn't work for everyone!

I was using condoms with my ex-P, and one had obviously split, but considering I was checking them rigorously after each time we used one, and was taking the MAP if they had any evidence of a split, it is a mystery to me how I fell pregnant with my DS3!

I fell pregnant on microgynon, taken properly, while using a condom, which split, and I took the MAP. I STILL managed to conceive my first DC, DD.

I fell pregnant with my second DC, DS1, while 6 weeks into the depoprovera injection that is meant to last 12 weeks.

I am allergic to spermicide, so a diaphragm is not suitable.

My PCT were refusing to sterilise me as they deemed me 'too young'. I first asked whilst still pregnant with my second DC. 10 years ago. I have had two DC's since I first asked to be sterilised. I couldn't go through with terminations, despite booking them at first. I love all 4 of my DC's to the moon and back, but I do NOT want any more.

My ONLY options for failsafe contraception were my Ex getting a vasectomy, or me using abstinence as a form of contraception.

That is not me trying to control someone else's body - it is ME controlling what happens to MY OWN body.

All I was doing by using abstinence as a form of contraception was controlling my own fertility, ensuring that I would not have to go through a termination, which would cause me personally SEVERE mental distress. I am pro-choice, but that choice is not for me, wrt terminations. When I booked them, I couldn't go through with it because I personally felt like I would be murdering the sibling of my pre-existing DC's.

So I was and am protecting myself from being in that position ever again.

I just CAN'T see how that is me trying to control anything but what happens to my OWN body.

CouthyMow Mon 27-Aug-12 13:35:08
I just CAN'T see how that is me trying to control anything but what happens to my OWN body.

It wasn't.
You were right.
As, of course, is OP as she's amended her posts...

But CouthyMow, yanbu because you have tried lots of other types of contraceptives because deciding that a vasectomy was the last option. The OP hasn't done that, she has just dismissed other options such as the coil because she heard it causes longer periods. In fact, the coil can stop periods altogether in some women - it just depends on the individual how your body will respond to it, so it's quite ignorant to dismiss it out of hand. I didn't get on with the injection myself, but I found the coil brilliant, although I was initially put off as my sister had bad experiences with it. It would have been daft for me to reject it just because it was bad for her, when it's worked well for so many other women.

I think it's reasonable to ask someone to consider having a vasectomy, but if you are not going to seriously consider all the other options yourself then it's very unfair to put all the responsibility on them.

"MrMiyagiMon 27-Aug-12 11:36:56

I hope OPs husband sees sense and leaves the bitch. I could never respect or love someone so controlling. She's got her sperm donation now she wants to render him impotent."

How singly unpleasant.

And how histrionic of you "rendering him impotent", given that NEITHER of them want any more children.

And by 'impotent I assume you mean no longer producing sperm in the ejaculate rather than failure to perform sexually since vasectomy does not impair that function - the data suggests more men than less find an increase in libido after the procedure.

Even if, for whatever reason their relationship failed, it doesn't mean he wants to be banging out a new family, especially given that 25% of his salary will be earmarked supporting the young family he already has.

The OP does not want to use hormonal based contraception because of the history of breast cancer in her family - her own GP will be steering her away from that as an option. Suggesting MAP (a hormone) as a form of contraception after condom failure (which has already happened to the OP) with abortion as a backup seems foolhardy and damaging, especially as the MAP is not always effective and also relies on knowing the condom has indeed failed.

The OP has very clear reasons why her own contraceptive choices are limited. I would very much like to know why the OP's H is adverse to a vasectomy.

Olympicnmix Mon 27-Aug-12 13:56:43

Even if, for whatever reason their relationship failed, it doesn't mean he wants to be banging out a new family, especially given that 25% of his salary will be earmarked supporting the young family he already has.

... assuming?
Why should he be the AP/NRP, and why do you assume OP won't return to/find well paid work? No guarantees she'll be SAHM.