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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

473 replies

Peachesinthesummertime · 26/08/2012 18:57

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2012 00:19

by the sound of it he is being responsible by going for abstinence.

xDivAx · 27/08/2012 00:20

I haven't read the whole thread, sorry!

But I want to say, and forgive me if anyone else has said this, that I have the implant and have no periods. Might be worth giving it or something else a try to see how you 'get on'

A vasectomy is so... Final.

But I do empathise with your situation, I can't say that I wouldn't do the same when I'm done having children!

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2012 00:23

CouthyMow

"I would never have forced him to have an operation he didn't want"

That is the difference between you and the OP.

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 00:23

Nope, he didn't go for abstinence. He left me to shag some girl half his age then expected me to take him back until he 'needed' a shag again, no doubt...

NovackNGood · 27/08/2012 00:25

Exactly the point I made. Force someone into abstinence and they'll go looking for the sex elsewhere.

AnnieLobeseder · 27/08/2012 00:26

Boney - the OP has said more than once that the OP didn't really reflect how she feels, and that she has no intention of forcing him to do anything.

AnnieLobeseder · 27/08/2012 00:26

Good riddance, I say, Novack.

NovackNGood · 27/08/2012 00:28

I imagine the feeling would be mutual annie. These situations don't end well when one tries to back the other into a corner.

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 00:28

He kept SAYING I was trying to force him into it though. Because to him, despite me having fully explained 100 times to him my reasons for choosing abstinence as a contraceptive choice, he was in his head hearing "No sex unless I get a vasectomy, that's an ultimatum". He kept saying I was giving him an ultimatum, when I wasn't.

All I was doing was protecting my own health by choosing abstinence as a failsafe contraceptive method until either he or I could get sterilised. Considering the GP confirmed that he could get it done within 4 weeks, and at that time it would possibly have been 4 YEARS till I could, had I not won my fight with the PCT, in effect, it was his choice whether to abstain for 4 weeks or 4 years...

Inertia · 27/08/2012 00:30

He's not being forced into abstinence. He's got the option of acting like a grownup and discussing the options with the OP.

Frankly, anyone who follows up a refusal to to take contraceptive responsibility by having sex elsewhere is not a prize worth hanging on to.

NovackNGood · 27/08/2012 00:32

Exactly she she should jsut take control of her own ovaries.

AnnieLobeseder · 27/08/2012 00:32

See, I just don't see the backing into the corner part. Both sides wish for a different outcome. They need to discuss it to reach a solution. Both sides need to listen with open ears and hearts, both sides need to make their feelings, and the reasons for those feelings clear. They need to fully arm themselves with information, facts about all the options, not just hearsay and ideas of 'sharp things'. But HE WILL NOT DISCUSS IT. Sorry for shouting but this is crucial issue for me.

They cannot reach an acceptable compromise when he will not enter into discussion. So the OP is taking the only option she feels is left open to her. Not to force or punish him, but to protect herself.

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 00:32

But that is his choice. He thankfully finished the relationship first, that much I do respect him for.

I can't control his choice over what option he takes, but I was not forcing him to abstain, just saying that if he wanted to remain in a relationship with ME, then until one of us could be permanently sterilised, by contraception choice was abstinence.

He thought the idiot that if he left me, got his jollies elsewhere for a while, then came back, that I would take him back. He was, sadly, much mistaken. That was MY choice!

piprabbit · 27/08/2012 00:34

She is taking control of her ovaries. She is saying that she doesn't want any sperm anywhere near them.

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 00:36

Exactly how I feel about my ex! Not worth hanging onto, refused to understand that I took the only SAFE contraceptive choice open to me, and have carried on using that as my contraception of choice for the following 15 months too - not been short of offers, either - the only man I have had sex with has had a vasectomy, and was more than happy to show me the paperwork from his sample that showed that the vasectomy had been successful. Shame that didn't last, for other reasons, but hey ho.

Olympicnmix · 27/08/2012 00:37

Once my STBExH started asking about it, as in 'Olympicnmix is suggesting I have a vasectomy...' (rather than I'm thinking of having it done), he found a surprising and reassuring number of male colleagues and friends had opted for vasectomies once they had completed their families, including a friend at 31 and unbeknown to him, his own father!

Even now as an ExH, he's glad he's had the snip. We have 3dc, he couldn't afford/doesn't want any more. Most women he meets either have children or are childfree out of choice.

Olympicnmix · 27/08/2012 00:40

And actually I erroneously used the phrase 'the snip' which' imo puts men off the idea.

If your H ever gets round to discussing it like an adult in an equal relationship, get him to google no-scalpel vasectomies.

Krumbum · 27/08/2012 00:50

No I don't think anyone should be pushed into having surgery yabu.
Why not have other types of sex that don't risk pregnancy.

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 00:59

Could the OP trust her partner not to take it too far though? Could she trust that he will be ok with stopping without penetrative sex, or will he shout/moan/sulk if she refuses when they are having other types of sex to take it further?

I would be (and was) concerned that as he didn't respect my choice of abstinence as contraception that he would not respect my limits on what sorts of sexual contact were acceptable to me.

But only the OP can answer how she thinks it would go in the event of having non-penetrative sex, her partner wanting to take it further, the OP refusing, only she can guess at what his reaction would be.

Given his expectations of condom use and the MAP in the event of condom failure, and the OP's decision that that is not an acceptable form of contraception for her, I can see that to me, he would not be happy with her refusal at that point, and would more than likely sulk/shout/moan/in some other way try to emotionally pressure the OP.

He is already discounting her strength of feelings about condoms and the MAP not being acceptable contraception now to her, so who's to say he would respect her strength of feelings about non-penetrative sex only?

OneMoreChap · 27/08/2012 01:12

CouthyMow Mon 27-Aug-12 00:59:10
I would be (and was) concerned that as he didn't respect my choice of abstinence as contraception that he would not respect my limits on what sorts of sexual contact were acceptable to me.

We've already established your man was a prat.

If any of my partners had said, I was getting oral rather than piv, I doubt I'd have sulked. And if the choice was O or her hand, yes, I'd have taken O like a shot.

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 01:18

What if the choice was in her hand or not at all? Not all women like giving oral...

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 01:22

And my point was that only the OP can know if her partner would respect her choice of no penetrative sex, or whether he would try to take it further and pile pressure on the OP in some way if she refused.

I can't know that, you can't know that.

And tbh, the OP can't bloody know that either, because her partner is refusing to discuss it with her. Doesn't make it easy for the OP to trust that he would respect her limits of no penetrative sex, if he won't even discuss it with her, does it?

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 01:25

And no, I'm not saying he would rape her, but that he might 'try it on' in the hope of getting penetrative sex, and be annoyed when the OP reiterates her 'limits'. In my eyes, that is more of a possibility because he is not even respecting the OP's limits of no penetrative sex enough to discuss how to deal with the issue, other than to IGNORE her limits and tell her he will use a condom, and she can take the MAP (which isn't acceptable to her) in the event of a condom failure. So he ISN'T respecting HER very valid sexual limits, is he?

Krumbum · 27/08/2012 01:33

Had the op said he is annoyed they arnt having sex? Or just that he doesn't want a vasectomy?
I think a man who respects you would not push the point on penetrative sex. You can still both have a fulfilling sexual experience together using hand, mouths and toys on eachother.

NovackNGood · 27/08/2012 01:54

OP does he suffer from blue balls at all as you could always provoke a few days of that in him and then suggest that the pain of a vasectomy wold be temporary as compared to blue balls day in day out for the rest of your relationship.

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