To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

[Peachesinthesummertime]

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

How reversible is a baby? How reversible are the feelings about having an abortion when you never wanted to risk getting pregnant again?

^Hormonal contraceptives have health risks for women, the op is quite right to be wary of using them. Her DH is quite right to wary of surgery. But unless they can talk like adults and openly discuss their fears, concerns and expectations, how can they move forward to a solution?&

How can they move forward? Simple - deny shagging until he caves in :o

But I doubt any man will get a snip with an ultimatum like that against his head, because it massively increases the odds the relationship will end and he'd definitely want to keep his fertility then.

So, it'll work like a charm, right?

This isn't forced sterilisation though, is it? It's a woman who cannot risk her own health by falling pregnant again taking control of her own body by avoiding sex which carries a pregnancy risk. She's asked her husband to have a vasectomy- he won't; she's asked him to discuss it - he won't. That's not anything like eugenics.

Forced sterilisation? Eugenics? For not wanting to get pregnant?

Wow, over-reaction much?

If condoms are used correctly, you should be fine and if you do have an unfortunate one-off accident u can take the map.
You cannot force him to have an op and he cannot force you to take hormonal contraception so condoms are the only solution imo

Whatmeworry - I would be more inclined to agree with you that she was unrealistically pressuring him if he had actually expressed his reasons for not wanting the snip to her.

And do you really believe that men really so weak in their need for penetrative sex that they will have surgery they don't want to get it?

I don't think it is reasonable for the husband to simply say no and refuse to even discuss the posibility of a vasectomy. If he isn't even prepared to state his reasons, that is very unfair.
Went through this with my DH, who was a lot less keen than me on having further children, and finally convinced him by discussing how we would cope with another unplanned pregnancy when I was 45, 50 etc - the impact on his retirement age was the thing that finally clinched it I think!

It's astounding that women are expected to make decisions about their own reproductive health based on what their husbands might wish to do with some prospective other woman.

Avoiding PIV sex is , at the moment, the only reliable and appropriate method of contraception for the OP. She isn't saying it's the end of the marriage if he doesn't have a vasectomy; she knows that he cannot be forced into surgery he doesn't want. She's just trying to protect her own health.

Her husband is not going to die from a lack of penetrative sex. They can do other things. And if it bothers him that much, then he can agree to engage in a discussion about finding a mutually agreeable solution.

I didn't want another child, so I was sterilised..... To me, it was just something I needed to do, so no-one could tell me that I made them get the snip, it avoided all long term options like the pill or coil (which to my mind gave a possibility of pregnancy), so to me, whatever the short term discomfort, it seemed best for ME.....

I discussed it with dh, but frankly I knew I didn't want any more kids......I just felt happy knowing I has sorted it.

Lots of people are missing the point that the OP's husband doesn't want any more children either. And as a man with a questionable history of condom use, that leaves him two choices - a vasectomy or abstaining from penetrative sex. No forcing his partner into using hormonal methods she isn't comfortable using.

Inertia
"It's astounding that women are expected to make decisions about their own reproductive health based on what their husbands might wish to do with some prospective other woman."

So why is the DP being harrangued for putting his own reproductive health first?

Your H knows there is a no-scalpel vasectomy right?

It's a much simpler procedure than a traditional vasectomy and has a faster recovery time & lower risk of complication. He will be a bit sore for 48hrs, but perfectly ok with the painkillers they provide. It may even lead to an enhanced sex life as the threat of pg has gone, hormones that can decrease a woman's libido are not in your bloodstream and sensation/the mood is not hindered by having to put on a condom.

I really, really don't get his objection and am guessing neither do you.

If you have a history of breast cancer in your family, as you do, it is debatable whether you should take any hormone contraceptive at all, but certainly there is a time-limit. You have taken that risk. You have undergone the rigours of pregnancy and childbirth, including damage due to a 3rd degree tear.

When does your H step up?

That's the bottom-line for me - that you have taken all the risk and the effects upon your body, yet this is meant to be an equal relationship. You can't force him to have a vasectomy but then you shouldn't have to. I'd find it hard to feel sexually attracted to a man whose priority having sex over my health.

Boney- where is he being harangued?

It is a fundamental right of a woman to look after her own reproduction health.

What would be the opinion of the man is he had a male pill available to him and he kept taking it when if his wife was childless and wanting children. Would the opinion be he is within his rights to control his own reproductive health or not? And if she wanted different she would be free to move on, no?

We cannot have it both ways. Whatever rights about fertility we want ourselves has to go to the other too and neither side can expect the other do do something they are not happy with.

He's not being harangued for putting his reproductive health first. He's being harangued for expecting his wife to take all responsibility for their joint reproductivity and refusing to even talk about options that he can take responsibility for.

OneMoreChap, that's fine, I can hardly expect someone on t'internet to know what a prick my ex was if I didn't for a long time!

AnnieLobeseder
"And as a man with a questionable history of condom use"

The OP has never said that, she has said that she has had condoms split.

Fine, I worded it badly, but it would appear condoms are a bad choice for this couple.

Inertia
"Boney- where is he being harangued?"

Sorry should be

Why is he getting grief on her for etc.

AnnieLobeseder

As far as I can see he is not being given the chance to be responsible for contraception.

Novack, if either party in a childless marriage wanted children while the other didn't, then they'd need to discuss whether the issue was bigger than their relationship and whether they'd be both be happy for it continue with no chance of children. That's not an issue that can be compromised on; you either have a child or you don't. The male pill is a red herring here. If he actively lied to his wife about taking it, then that would be a very big deal- just as it would be if a woman actively lied to her husband about it.

Boney - how not? Granted, as a man, his options are more limited, but there's not much the OP can do about that. The OP has said they can't use condoms, they have had problems with them. So that leaves him getting a vasectomy or not ejaculating inside her. How else can he take responsibility? If I've missed something I'll be glad to be corrected.

Boney- he can put his own reproductive health first, and is doing so. He's also trying to take charge of the OP's reproductive health by telling her that she should take the MAP as a planned form of contraception (as condom splitting seems to be so regular)- it's not designed for that.

He's getting a hard time because he refuses to discuss the issue with the OP beyond telling her how he expects her to take full responsibility for contraception.

I really don't understand this. Surely, couples should be making decisions based on what is right for their collective health and well-being. So, before they had kids, they needed a reversible, reliable method. Hormone contraception was the best choice so she took the bullet. During their child-bearing times, condoms or hormones were fine. Either her or both of them taking responsibility. She used her body to have their children. Again, her taking the bullet.

Now they are finished having kids, they need a safe, reliable, non-hormone (because of her health) method. Either of them could be sterilised. She could once again take the bullet having a serious operation. Or, he could step up and have a relatively safe and reliable op and do his bit. He refuses to discuss it. In my book he is not mature enough to have sex because that involves taking responsibility. I knew that at 18, he doesn't know it now.

OlympicnMix - that is exactly why I won't get back with my ex even after my sterilisation. He cared so little about my physical health that he prioritised penetrative sex over the negative effects on my health that ANOTHER unplanned pregnancy would cause me.

I am finally getting sterilised, but if anyone will reap the benefits of my frustrated libido, it sure as hell won't be him.

Not only has he left me because I made a valid contraceptive choice, in lieu of him making one himself, but I have lost what little respect I have had for him by not caring about my feelings and health concerns.

I would never have forced him to have an operation he didn't want, but equally he cannot force me to have sex if my contraceptive choice is abstinence. The two choices are basically incompatible if he is unwilling to accept my personal contraceptive choice, surely?

I can't see a resolution to this while the OP's DH is unwilling to A) Understand the strength of the OP's desire to take NO risk of unwanted pregnancy AT ALL, and B) Discuss his reasons for not wanting to have a vasectomy.

He is basically expecting the OP to 1) Run the risk of having to use hormonal contraception in the form of the MAP, despite her valid objections on health grounds for doing so, and 2) Stop using her own valid choice of contraception, abstinence.

Yet the OP is in the wrong?