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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

473 replies

Peachesinthesummertime · 26/08/2012 18:57

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 26/08/2012 22:57

Inertia it's this "I'd explain to him I'd consider him a rapist" approach when I'd have thought it more reasonable to say... "We can't do it that way, because it frightens me; there are lots of other things we can do."

I don't recall OP mentioning husband demanding anything - in fact she said there was nothing on the cards atm anyway!

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2012 22:58

Peaches I do absolutely agree that he should tell you his reasons for not wanting the surgery.

I hope you can both sit down together and discuss it

Let each other know that it's ok to be scared.

Please try hard not to play the "I had the babies and pregnancies" card Grin

But good luck to you both....I hope you can work it out.

Kayano · 26/08/2012 22:58

But She can have control of her body with:
The implant
Injections
Sterilisation
Coil
Diaphragm
Pill (numerous types)

Hmm

She just doesn't want to

And he doesn't want to get sterilised

Oh and if
You have that many issues with condoms
Splitting you're doing it wrong or need more lube Wink

NarkedRaspberry · 26/08/2012 22:59

'nowhere has this chap demanded piv as far as I can see'

No. Several posters have said that it is unreasonable of the OP to deny him penetrative sex.

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2012 23:00

CouthyMow Sun 26-Aug-12 22:56:47
my ex did not like giving oral sex
He also disliked masturbation
my ex refused to do anything other than penetrative sex for the whole 13 years of our relationship

I'm sorry Sad.
Your ex sounds like a right twat, and you are so well rid.

Most men of my acquaintance are nothing like that, and I would have had a lot fewer relationships if I didn't like giving oral sex. Eww. Sounds like something from the dark ages

NarkedRaspberry · 26/08/2012 23:03

I know she doesn't want to. The point is that certain posters seem to think it's totally unreasonable of her expect him to have a vasectomy because he doesn't want to but totally reasonable to expect her to take hormonal contraception and/or risk pregnancy.

Whatmeworry · 26/08/2012 23:04

There seem to be two camps here: 1) those who believe the OP is using sex as a weapon to get her DH to do what she wants, which I would agree would be abhorrent. 2) those who believe the OP is simply using to choose abstaining from penetrative sex as a method of contraception until she and her DH come to an agreement which is acceptable to both of them. Which seems reasonable to me. But since he is refusing to discuss all the options, which includes vasectomy, coming to that decision is proving difficult

As I read the thread, the OP has refused all other contraception options except the one she wants, ie he gets the snip. And she has helpfully said "no snip, no shag" to aid him in coming to the correct "acceptable agreement".

Which brings us back to (1).....

NarkedRaspberry · 26/08/2012 23:08

This is a site where most of those posting are women. It saddens me that they still expect the women to take on all the responsibility for contraception. God forbid the man should have to consider doing something he doesn't want to with regard to his body, but the woman should take some hormones have the surgery and stop pressuring him.

Inertia · 26/08/2012 23:09

OneMoreChap- you seem to have attributed to me, in quotation marks, a comment that I don't recall making?

CouthyMow · 26/08/2012 23:11

Worra - if the OP would rather abstain from sex than have an operation under general anaesthetic, isn't that her right?

She isn't saying no sexual contact at all, but no penetrative sex. That is HER chosen form of contraception. If he is leaving it all to her, then why is it wrong for her to decide that no penetrative sex is her chosen method of contraception?

His chosen method of contraception is condoms and MAP if they split. Taking the MAP is not his decision, it is the OP's. She has decided that she is not happy with that as a reliable, or acceptable to her to have to take the MAP in incidences of split/forgotten condom as it is hormonal contraception, so she has decided that the most reliable form of contraception for her is abstinence.

How is the OP making a valid contraceptive choice EA or controlling? It is no more controlling than her DH expecting her to possibly have to take hormonal contraceptives (MAP) in the event of a condom split, whilst knowing that the OP has valid health concerns about using hormonal contraceptives.

I can't see the issue. He has 3 choices. Have a vasectomy. Accept that there will be no penetrative sex until the OP goes through the menopause or decides to be sterilised herself (by which point she may well, as I do not, want to ever have sex with someone do dismissive of their feelings again), or thirdly, leave the relationship.

So he still HAS choices, even after the OP's choice to use abstinence as her chosen contraceptive method.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/08/2012 23:11

AnnieLobeseder

The OP has already discounted all other forms of contraception.

Its not going to be much of a conversation.

AnnieLobeseder · 26/08/2012 23:11

Nope, I don't see it that way, whatmeworry. She has tried those methods in the past, they don't agree with her, so she is using the only method left which is acceptable to her; avoiding penetrative sex. She has suggested another option, a vasectomy for him, but he won't even discuss it. It is impossible for her to see his point of view or work to a solution that suits both of them if he won't even talk about it.

Hormonal contraceptives have health risks for women, the op is quite right to be wary of using them. Her DH is quite right to wary of surgery. But unless they can talk like adults and openly discuss their fears, concerns and expectations, how can they move forward to a solution?

piprabbit · 26/08/2012 23:12

OPs DH has a track record of being cack-handed with condoms.
He is refusing to discuss the possibility of vasectomy.

I really don't think she is being unreasonable to expect him to be mature enough to discuss all the options available to them as a couple - and to maybe understand why the OP would prefer not to be buggering around with her hormones again. Just as the OP needs to understand why he doesn't want the snip, although he will need to talk to her to clarify that point.

NovackNGood · 26/08/2012 23:15

The health risks for hormonal contraceptivs are tiny and far less invasive and less terminal on fertility than surgery for him.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/08/2012 23:15

CouthyMow

If the OP's post had been worded in a way that wasn't enforcing abstinence I suspect that the thread would've gone differently.

Inertia · 26/08/2012 23:16

OneMoreChap - you seem to be conflating the two strands of the thread.

In one, I asked what you'd call a man who demanded sex of an unwilling partner. this followed on from Couthy's post.

In another side to the discussion, I've said that this particular couple with this particular issue could discuss what would be an acceptable way forward that does not involve a pregnancy risk.

At no point did I say I considered anybody a rapist .

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2012 23:19

piprabbit Sun 26-Aug-12 23:12:34
OPs DH has a track record of being cack-handed with condoms.
Really? I thought OP said
"I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting" which doesn't suggest blame...

GhostShip · 26/08/2012 23:20

'tried those methods in the past, they don't agree with her'
Boo hoo. Id much rather try other methods rather than forcing my partner into having SURGERY he doesn't want.

And then there's no going back. What's done is done. Too much finality it procedures like this I think. Circumstances change. Least with contraception (pill, coil etc) you can do a u-turn

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2012 23:21

Inertia sorry, a quote I'm attributing would usually have italics,

It was a reference to Couthy Mow's approach of paraphrased "this would be rape". I didn't realise what a prick her ex was.

NovackNGood · 26/08/2012 23:22

This more and more seem about controlling your husband OP to him being sterilized for you won benefit. Forced sterilzation is somehing out of eugenics not a loving relationship.

Inertia · 26/08/2012 23:24

The OP has already tried a number of alternative contraceptive methods and found them to be unsuitable for her.

It isn't simply an issue of vasectomy = big scary op with a strong likelihood of after-effcts, versus sterilisation/ coil/ pill etc all = fully accessible to all with no risk.

For every painful vasectomy anecdote I've ever heard , I've also heard of lost coils requiring an op to remove, and the pill being dangerous for particular migraine sufferers, and sterilisation being refused.

McHappyPants2012 · 26/08/2012 23:24

I am 26 and there would be no chance of a u turn for me ( never) dh has had the snip if he left me I would go and get sterilised ( like I wanted in the first place)

I really can not risk having another child

NarkedRaspberry · 26/08/2012 23:27

'Forced sterilisation'? Because she won't have PIV sex otherwise? Get a grip.

Inertia · 26/08/2012 23:28

That's ok then OneMoreChap, I understand now what you meant- it's important to be clear when such emotive words are being used.

NarkedRaspberry · 26/08/2012 23:28

It seems that men's bodies are sacrosanct but women's very much aren't.

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