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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stay with a man who hates fat women?

308 replies

grips · 25/08/2012 23:46

just that really. i have a partner and he is very vocal about his disgust for overweight people and women in particular. he says that hes sure they are nice people but he cant help but judge them for being overweight. i always pull him up on it but it really bothers me.

OP posts:
Krumbum · 26/08/2012 00:57

Ffs you may think thin man=good car Hmm and fat man = bad car but that doesn't make fact. Those arnt the comparisons. You say your shallow, fine you admit it. That doesn't make it an admirable quality.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2012 00:58

Worra - have to disagree that lack of sex when a partner gains weight is shallow. Often when somebody puts on weight they become insecure about it. Insecurities often ruin the mood

Ahh but that's insecurity that causes the lack of sex there...not the weight gain.

Insecurity can be a very ugly trait when it comes to sex and relationships.

Think for a second about someone you might know who constantly bangs on about how big their bum looks in an outfit, or how they feel 'too fat to go out' or how their skin looks etc....

If they're confident about themselves and their size and they have a partner who truly loves them no matter what size they are.....the weight gain won't matter.

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/08/2012 01:01

I also said I don't like thin men-I like them to have worked at it, like I said originally-think rugby player...............Yes I do know that Christian Bale doesn't have this physique but I have a huge crush on him so I will let it go on this occasion lol.

Krumbum · 26/08/2012 01:01

Fat doesn't mean insecure. Some people don't hate being bigger. Why do you assume they do?

carernotasaint · 26/08/2012 01:02

Comparing human beings to cars. wow just wow.

Cynner · 26/08/2012 01:02

Amused by all the I WANT MY PARTNER SLIM response. I cannot abide a skinny or slim man. Find them über feminine and repellent. That being said, if Mr.Cyn who towers above me and greatly outweighs me, decided to lose a few stone, I would support him, love him, and still believe he is sexy as hell.
That being said OP..how do YOU feel when you are with him? Does he make you feel sexy and gorgeous? Does he compare you to other women and find you wanting? Keep him if he brings a smile to your life...otherwise..

carernotasaint · 26/08/2012 01:03

A relationship should enhance your life not diminish it.

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/08/2012 01:04

Lol, I was comparing my Shallowness can take the piss out of myself, how some of you take urselves so seriously......lighten up-ladies I think you need to crack open the gin....... Grin

carernotasaint · 26/08/2012 01:05

Cant do that Barred. im actually trying to lose weight at the mo but for my health not my looks.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2012 01:05

Cynner do you really find slim men uber feminine and repellent?

Why? Confused

Are you saying that only fat men are 'manly' in your eyes?

Krumbum · 26/08/2012 01:07

Worra how is Cynner saying that any different to you saying you don't like fat men?

GlassofRose · 26/08/2012 01:09

Ahh but that's insecurity that causes the lack of sex there...not the weight gain

How do you work that one out?

If I haven't been keeping my diet as clean / working out as much as usual I don't want to get on top and let any wobbly bits jiggle about. That's not down to lack of sex and it's not down to my partners views (he's game whether I'm on the healthy wagon or not). My partner however gets fed up with my negativity when I'm not feeling my best.

If they're confident about themselves and their size and they have a partner who truly loves them no matter what size they are.....the weight gain won't matter.

If your partner puts on so much weight that missionary position becomes a struggle for breath no matter how much you love them I'm sure it would be off putting. I wouldn't stop loving my partner if he became overweight, I wouldn't leave him but I'm not sure the sex would be as frequent.

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/08/2012 01:12

Carer I've carried 2 children & will never get back the figure I desire-FUCK IT, I have two beautiful children so it's worth it I suppose ( though I LONG for my size 10 washboard stomach) So yes I laugh at myself & just make the best of what I have.....

squoosh · 26/08/2012 01:16

I've never been attracted to a men who are shorter than me. But I've always been very pleasant to any short man who's had the good taste to chat me up.

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/08/2012 01:23

Please don't assume that I'm rude to anyone other than my ideal who has chatted me up, a drink is a drink after all..... I just don't compromise on what I like so if they are not my type they will be told so-& no I am not always brutally honest....

Krumbum · 26/08/2012 01:23

Glassofrose. Your insecurity is in your head it isn't actually weight gsin that's the issue. Some people don't care that they are big and will happily go on top. So it's your perception of the weight not weight itself.

Krumbum · 26/08/2012 01:26

The dislike of short men thing makes me Grr. Just another example of internalised gender roles.
Barred why do you want a 'washboard' stomach? What's difference would it make?

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/08/2012 01:28

Because I loved my pre child stomach, it was a thing of beauty-no other reason.

Cynner · 26/08/2012 01:30

I'm guessing that perhaps that is my own biological makeup. Skinny men are not sexually appealing in anyway to to me.
Op should perhaps consider if her partner brings joy to their relationship. I would find it difficult to feel secure whilst running to scale to make sure I had not put on any weight. It feels like this allows her partner a great deal of control in their relationship.

Krumbum · 26/08/2012 01:30

Bellies are bellies. They are like feet or elbows. Just a bit of body, no belly is particularily beautiful.

GlassofRose · 26/08/2012 01:31

Krum - When I've not been so healthy due to busy schedule I know parts of me get jiggly, I don't like the jiggly bits. So I'd say 50/50 weight perception as it's the weight that causes the perception.

Either way what I was trying to say is it's not completely shallow to not want to not be less physically attracted to your partner if they gain weight. Who wants man boobs flopping about or to have to struggle for breath if someones gained a lot of weight?

I don't know why Barred wants a washboard stomach, but I'd say it's pretty much a symbol of fitness to most people. Fit = healthy and in turn people are programmed to be attractive to healthy in order to reproduce.

Cynner · 26/08/2012 01:32

Krumbum, my father and my brothers are all over 6'3 and large. These of course, we're my first male role models. Why wouldn't I have internalised that?

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/08/2012 01:32

Sorry Krum, have you not seen Jess Ennis-her stomach is prrrrrfect?

NovackNGood · 26/08/2012 01:33

I do think it is not unheard of that many relationships loose the passion they had and become more like a great friendship that is more amorous than erotic if one gets quite bit larger later in life. If people feel it would be okay to leave someone who holds these ideas then it is not too different to his views to be frank.

As the OP says he has not been unpleasant and he would want to remain friends but just wouldn't find her sexually attractive. That is no reflection on her personality. I think some people would take the fact that their partner started over eating and moving up the sizes with no effort to control it would question their partners self respect and wonder about the changes. I would.

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/08/2012 01:35

& bollocks to the reproducing thing-I've done with that- I would just really like my stomach back in case I ever happen to come across Mr Bale...........