Screaming toddler next door what can we do....

[Crouchendmumoftwo]

Hello,

We live on a road with Victorian terraced houses. Our lovely neighbours who had 5 children have moved and a new couple have moved in with a 1.5 year old.
We havent slept for over a week since they moved in as their child cries on and off through the night and screeches and it wakes both of us up so 12 and then 3 in the morning and 6 in the morning. We are both exhausted. We have a 3 and 4 year old and are just getting our sleep back into order!
For some reason he seems to be in their bedroom and crying and we think that he is not being responded to immediately as the crying goes on and on. Also his screams are high pitched and really loud. We have had 5 kids next door with the youngest being 3 and we really didnt hear much so this is really ironic!
We also work from home and both hear him crying and screeching with his piercing voice throughout the day. I don't mind this so much it's just the lack of sleep at the moment. What would you do. I can't use earplugs unfortunately. We are at our wits end and exhausted from tiredness....
Thanks very much.

Move house. YABU to expect they can do anything about this situation. As parents you should be a little more sympathetic of their circumstances, and remind yourselves it was just a few short years ago your children were doing the same thing to your neighbours.

I lived in a house where my neighbour had a baby, then moved out and was replaced by another pregnant couple, I coped, and no I don't do ear plugs, but if I were you I would get over your phobia of them and invest in some. After all, putting up with a few discomforting nights whilst you get used to them sounds so much more sensible then spending the next weeks/months/years going crazy from the noise.

Its easy to assume parents arent attending their kids, screams pierce walls where as comforting conversations don't. The parents will already know that their child is waking you by now...!

Sorry to be harsh, but really you need to start wearing ear plugs or move, those are your only realistic options. and if you are genuinely concerned they might be abusing their child by not attending them call NSPCC.

empusa if you find out where we return them to can you let me know?!

no one is saying its acceptable but sometimes these things happen, they have moved house, he could be poorly, he could be having night terrors, he could be teething. there could be all manner of reasons for his crying.

funny how some people on mnet say to do cc, then they are essentially choosing to inflict their screaming child on their neighbours!

maybe they are doing cc? or maybe they are just having a really shitty sleep deprived time trying desperately to sooth a child who is upset?

If the child is 18 months old then even if the child is screaming on account of SN (big if) they're extremely unlikely to be diagnosed. So you're unlikely to get that as an explanation now, even if you do in 3 years time.

I'm not sure what you can do when a child screams and screams. I know I can't do much when ds1 is having a screaming moment.

YANBU OP but clearly most people think you are .
Luckily I get loads of sleep as mine are teenagers !
I really sympathize with you though.

I have some sympathy - on the odd occasions when my DS screams at night I will make an effort to take him to the place where he's least likely to disturb the neighbours. I would hate to be woken by someone else's child so I try my hardest not to let anyone else by woken by mine. And I do not see how it is a good idea for the parents of two small children to routinely sleep with earplugs in. Surely that is not safe?

thanks Brian - I didnt think of not hearing my own two, yes that is a thought! You sound really nice and thoughful, a lovely neighbour. When my son was sick I used to run down stairs with him so he wouldn't wake the neighbours aswel, I can remember it as if it was yesterday rushing down with him screaming his head off!

Well, if you rent, you can always move if it continues.

It's not normal for a toddler to scream all days and night OP and it must be awful. However, it's only been a week and he might be ill. If so it should stop soon. I'd leave it quite a bit longer before I said anything.

Crouchend are yours old enough to come in if they need you? If not a
Baby monitor by your head should pierce through ear plugs. Or take it in turns with DH to wear earplugs.

The doctrine of ennis, yes though they do fall out of bed from time to time and my son has asthma so we have to listen out for him. My DH is going to get earplugs tho!

Crouchendmumoftwo you have my sympathies, I'd find it hard too. You've had some good advice on here. I'd walk away now though, find a glass of and get an early night and then read through the comments again in the light of day tomorrow. You've had some good ideas.

Living in a terraced house will always come with the possibility of noise from the neighbours, I don't think crying/screaming/upset children is something you can control, I know how many nights I used to cry with the wish of just being able to settle my DD and have her sleep, she is worse now because I used to be able to soothe her back to sleep sometimes as a child, now she just has a tantrum if she doesn't want to be in bed. I can't teach her that tantrums result in going downstairs and attention as that is what she wants and why she is behaving that way, so the only thing to do is rapid return and enduring the noise.

To anyone saying "deal with the noise" I ask you how? Because I have spent many a night thinking "how can I just get her to shut up and go to sleep?"

OP - your view worries me a lot, and right now I have a screaming 2yr old upstairs.

DD1 has never been a good sleeper, never!

Last year, when I was heavily pregnant with DD2, she wouldn't sleep at night. She used to wake throughout the night, and cry. I couldn't do anything with her, except concede defeat, and bring her downstairs. She would scream even if I held her, in my arms, in her room. She wanted to get up.

My next door neighbours banged on the wall one night, just as she was settling. This disturbed her, and I was so scared of them being annoyed, that I used to take her downstairs, and then be extremely tired the next day.

One day I fell down the stairs, as I was so tired. I landed on my bum, but still had some bleeding and had to go to the labour ward.

I had a scan the next week, and DD2 was fine, but the fluid had reduced. Within a few days of that scan she had died.

I will never know if the fall contributed to her death, but I am angry that I should be concerned about my neighbours, to the extent that I am tired out, staying up with a militant toddler... to the extent that it may have cost my second daughter's life.

Tamisara I am so sorry xx

I think you're getting a real unfair roasting here OP. Everyone of us who is a parent and doesn't live in a detached house will know that at some time our kids will have disturbed our neighbours at night and I suppose that explains why people seem so defensive on behalf of your neighbours. But if this really is different from the norm (and what you're describing does sound unusual) I can well understand why you are frazzled and a bit despairing.

Equally, the going round there to persuade them to find a "solution" isn't really going to work either. On a less serious level, I well remember being furious with a neighbour who complained she could hear my shower at 6.00am as if I had a choice of when to go to work and I think you do risk antagonising them if you suggest there is some obvious solution that they are missing.

I would suggest a combination of the following:

• Go round in friendly, introductory way, carrying cake, wine, whatever and see if you can help them with settling in. Don't mention their DC directly at this stage but work towards a rapport which means you can have some awareness of any issues, not least of which would be how long this is likely to go on for.

• You and your husbands take it in turns to sleep with an iPod / radio in / over your ears. Obviously not ideal but would at least mean one better night's sleep in two, without a situation where neither of you could hear your own DCs!

• Sleep downstairs, eyepatches on, with lights on - less chance of any mice appearing!

I know you don't want to hear this but if it continues and you really can't bear it any more (and remember we're only a week in!) then you will need to move. Far from ideal, but a lot easier than if you owned the place.

OP I don't know why husband acquired an s there - not suggesting you have more than 1!

Thanks Vicky, a great summary of the ideas! i shall tell my husbands tee hee.

Yes Im sure it cannot go on like this for ever. Weve just signed a new contract! But yes Im sure we will move at some stage. I really like terraced houses as they feel lovely and secure but now I realise why people prefer detached ones!

Thanks for your input, its very appreciated. Right back to CBB! x

I think the OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time. It's bad enough when it's your own child waking you up through the night but when it is someone else's waking you up constantly there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, which must add a lot of frustration on top of the sleep deprivation. Why should the OP have to sleep downstairs on the sofa when her neighbours have 3 bedrooms that they could choose from in which to comfort their toddler? Why should she have to move house to get a decent night's rest? It's all very well saying that it's one of the dangers of living in a terraced house but few people have the luxury of being able to choose to live in a detached property and most people are considerate of their neighbours and spare them excessive noise.

We live in a terraced house. DC2 is due in a few weeks and will be in our room to start with 1) so that I can feed easily and 2) because our room isn't next to a neighbour's occupied bedroom so we won't disturb anyone in the night. Surely thoughtful neighbours take thing like that into account.

With any luck the child is screaming due to the disruption of the move and this will be over shortly. If this is a long-term thing though then 'having a bit of empathy' or sleep

...sleeping on the sofa won't fix it. Empathy is fine but the OP has done her night wakings with her own DC and was considerate to her neighbours in that time so isn't being jnreasonable to expect a bit of consideration now when it's someone else's turn. Being friendly and finding out what's causing the constant shrieking can help solve the problem for the OP and I don't think it's unreasonable for her to mention that their bedroom is on the other side of the wall and they are being disturbed.

im sorry but its perfectly normal for a very young child to be unsettled in new enviroments. its not abnormal at all.

op move get a house on a island with no neighbours and never live near other houses again just incase the neighbours have a unsettled child when they first move in again.

"I don't think it's unreasonable for her to mention that their bedroom is on the other side of the wall and they are being disturbed."

But what will it achieve aside from adding to the neighbours stress?

It would give the neighbours a heads-up that there is a problem so they can consider the options open to them to reduce the disruption to the OP's family. They have 3 bedrooms, of which they are currently using 1. It's not unfeasible that they could use a different bedroom for a while, or if they don't want to do that they could at least try to calm the toddler down in another room. It also gives them a chance to say 'So sorry, I'm afraid he's a bit upset by the move' or 'So sorry, I'm afraid he has xyz SN' so that the OP has some idea of how long this is going to go on for.

We actually had this with DC1. We only moved into our terraced house two weeks before he was born and I had antenatal depression so wasn't in the mood to be sociable with the neighbours. After DC1 was born our neighbour on one side came round to introduce herself, was lovely and friendly, got chatting and in the course of general conversation mentioned that she slept at the back of the house because she's a light sleeper and didn't want to be disturbed at night by passing cars. Hint taken with no offence on our side at all and we moved DC1 from the adjoining back bedroom into our room until he was sleeping through the night. Problem sorted, no hard feelings and she is still a lovely neighbour. Far better than her being disturbed and silently hating us!

Tamisara, so sorry for your loss. xx

I feel for you. And for the mum.
I don,t see the harm in letting them know Ina nice way. They may be unaware of the sound carrying and it may be they can do something.....they may be letting him cry it put and maybe that is not a technique to use in a terraced house if it is so disturbing to neighbors.
I do think generally some people are less considerate than others and some are unaware but I am sure there could be something that can be done to lessen it unless there really is some sort of special need like autism causing the ongoing screeching and then, well I guess this is why people buy detached houses.
Yanbu.

"It would give the neighbours a heads-up that there is a problem "

Just in case they don't know their child screams?