to want to exclude one child

[Ithinkitsjustme]

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

I wouldnt invite a child that my child didnt like.

Ds3 isnt very sociable at all and doesnt get invited to all the class parties. Not everyone loves my children as much as I do,Im not precious about it.

Its his birthday next month and theres a fair few that wont be getting an invite to his party for various reasons.I dont expect the parents will be shedding many tears over it.

Hmm okay, I just think people were/are letting of steam so I don't find it an issue as they are not calling a fellow posters child a name - it's a random stranger who will be oblivious. It's different imo.

Despite agreeing the boy shouldn't get an invite I don't believe he should be labelled or called names. The simple question is: should I invite a boy to a party that my dd is terrified of? Answer: no. I don't think it really calls for looking at the bigger picture. The boy may grow up to be a lovely chap but in the here and now the dd is scared of him. All very straightforward really.

debeez I don't think I have said anywhere on this thread that the OP should actually invite the boy to the party.

I just think it is really nasty to exclude one child out of 30. It isn't nasty of the OP's DD she is just 4, it would be nasty of the OP to do that and would put her on par with the parents of the other child in not caring that a very small child is being hurt.

A quick search turned up these 3 threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1128373-Ok-I-know-this-has-been-done-to-death-here-BUT

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/899102-To-be-upset-that-my-child-is-only-one-not

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1254036-to-be-upset-at-this-childrens-party

So so easy to avoid this by simply having a smaller party and showing a bit of tact.

I asked my seven year old daughter what she thinks the op she do. She says the op should invite the boy to the party and try to make friends with him as he might be nice she is clearly much more reasonable than me. My daughter has spoken!

The people who do read the thread who have 'difficult' children though won't be oblvious will they?

Fateloves your little girl sounds very sweet, but to be fair, would she say that about someone who made her little life hell at times?

My DS has asd. In his 2 years at nursery he went to 2 parties. I stayed as I don't think it's fair to leave handling a kid with SN to a stranger who has a party to do. He was immaculately behaved at both, even though all other parents had excluded him from their parties, along with the only other child with SN. It broke my heart to see him excluded in this way. The child may have behavioural issues due to SN so I would say unviteg bu ask mum or dad to stay and help. :-)

Why should the other children who, as far as we know, don't engage in this behaviour on a regular basis have to miss out? Surely that is unfair?

exactly morloth and what kind of example is it setting? have a smaller party ie invite half the class etc, to exclude one child is rude and mean and dont think he wont notice!

and also once a child starts getting talked about in this way ie a bully, horrible, little shite (i think he has been called!!) then it does start to become a self fulfilling prophecy ime. labelling children esp at such a young age does no one any favours.

op have you talked to your dd and said this boy is little and learning, have you tried to teach her any techniques to deal with his behaviour ie go tell a memeber of staff straight away. or to say loudly, dont push/hit/snatch etc, she is also very young but it will help her in the long run if she knows how to deal with this kind of behaviour.

it is not nice to have your child upset and scared of another child and i have been there, but excluding one child is not a good example to set to your dd.

Sorry that was a bit garbled! Invite him, but ask for help. If the parent won't stay assig an adult to keep an eye on things, but don't exclude him. I've been on both sides, and last year had 10 kids with SN to a party with 25 guests. Even thoug some can be very challenging, they were all great. I won't exclude children, full stop, and so far they have all been great.

If you don't want to invite him then you have to scale down the party. You can't exclude one four year old, whatever he has done.

Whirlybird i understand that, my dd has ASD and she is lucky to be invited to parties, the op dd should not be forced to have a child there who makes her unhappy ad miserable, she too is only 4 ad should not be made to suck it up

Yes she would. She has suspected ASD an has been bullied for a year by an older boy in her school. I only became aware of it in the summer holidays. Yesterday I bumped into him with my daughter and had a word, a nice reasonable word, not a horrible word. He is now leaving her alone but she maintains that 'he is probably a nice boy really mummy'. She doesn't think badly of anyone that one. I am fairly sure if I was to ask her (she is now glued to the computer upstairs probably looking at pyramids) if she would invite said boy to her birthday party she would say she wouldn't mind. She is the very forgiving sort my dd.

Because it is the statement of excluding one person out of many that causes the issue.

As I said over the years DS1 has been invited/not been invited - no biggy, he hasn't actually asked about it because I assume he figured out the no biggy thing for himself. But he has never actually be singled out for exclusion, that would hurt.

Think of it like balloons. Lets say there are 40 kids and 20 balloons and they are handed out randomly, totally down to luck. You are going to have 20 kids who don't have balloons. You can say to you child, well nevermind there were not enough for everyone to have one - we were just unlucky, not to worry there will be other balloons.

Then lets say they are 40 balloons and 39 children get one. What do you say to child who didn't get one?

I don't get this. As adults, how would we deal with someone we intensely disliked sharing what is meant to be a happy celebration? I suspect some of us could hide our dislike but we wouldn't be relaxed or really enjoy it. And that is with all the benefit of years of experience of dealing with awkward situations. So, why on earth should we expose our young children to it?

Our 3 year old had a slightly rough time at nursery for a while caused by a couple of children, one of whom is actually quite nice but far too biddable and the other one a thoroughly nasty piece of work. All "babies" (aka large hulking aggressive toddlers) are not saints and a four year old (according to the professionals at his school that we spoke to about it) is perfectly capable of being a knowing bully.

I wouldn't give a flying fuck what his parents thought or my popularity amongst them. I would do what is right for my child and invite the people that he wanted. Protect your own child and give him a lovely party. End of.

Aw bless her. But surely you can see that she is in a (lovely) minority. No child should be scared or stressed uneccessarily to make a point. She does sound sweet, though.

So op just invte those she plays with or likes the best and have a smaller party

Oh absolutely! If you read back you will see that I disagree with inviting the boy or making the party smaller. But not because I think the boy is some spawn of Satan or because it gives me any sort of pleasure, for the simple fact the ds is scared of him and the other children should not miss out either by making the party smaller.

Even those of us who think it's all a bit exaggerated to talk of a 2/3 year old bullying say don't invite him. All you have to do is have a smaller party. You can't have a 'whole class party' with one missing. Just have a smaller party, they tend to be the nicest anyway.

A large party with 3/4 year olds may well have hitting/pushing/over the top behaviour, unfortunately it's the way things go and I've seen even nice children slightly lose it at big parties. It may actually suit the OP's child better, especially as the purpose of the party is to help her make new friends as her others have left.

because we arent talking about adults, we are talking about children, YOUNG children and in this case the boy is possibly only 3, his behaviour has taken place in the last school year where he was 2-3yrs old, he is learning! and as horrible as it is our children do have to learn to deal with stuff like this.

the pre-school should have dealt with it if its as bad as the op says, that is the problem, not the child. and no i dont think a 3 possibly 4 yr old should be labelled as a bully.

the idea that at 3/4 yrs old a child is deberately choosing to pick on one child and repeatedly being mean to them out of malice doesnt sit with me.

he may be snatching from her because she likes the same toys so therefore it is always her that has the toy he wants. they tend to lash out and push at those closest to them (vicininity wise) again this could be because they have similar interests, or just bad luck that she is always the child next to him. his behaviour needs addressing but no i wouldnt say it is bullying. at this age they are still learning to understand their feelings and have some assemblance of control over them. they are learning to share and take turns, some find this easier than others.

and i would be very suprised by a teacher that agreed a four year old could be a knowing bully. my dp and all the professionals he works with (in cp) so child psychologists and a variety of professionals would certainly disagree.

you may have a 4 yr old who hasnt been taught that this behaviour is wrong, or shown how to share and to control and manage his emotions and behaviour, in which case it is the parents/caregivers responsiblitly to teach the child who wont even know what htey are doing is wrong if they are not told it is.

Parents stay for 4 year old parties don't they? So that is a potential 60 (well 58) people just on the guest list.

Trying to remember DS1's 4th birthday party, I think he had 9 kids because I needed a minimum of 10 to book the place. All the parents stayed.

and yes its perfectly fine not to invite this boy is you have a smaller party, but to invite EVERY other child and exclude one is not ok.

as a general rule yes parents stay at a party for a 4 yr old, they did as ds4's in march, one parent had to go off for a bit to collect an older child, that was by arrangement with me, all other parents stayed i think. and i arranged to ahve extra adults on hand, i hired a hall and invited 20+ children, lots of toys, a face painter etc, it was fine but yes in that situation its not unusual for them to get a bit boisterous which can result in not great behaviour.