to want to exclude one child

[Ithinkitsjustme]

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

Leaving aside the issue of inviting him or not, I cannot believe the names some people have called someone else's child. Some of you have really shown yourselves up as not very nice people. Whatever his behaviour problems may be, he's still a child.

When I told DS1 last year that he could absolutely have a party and he could invite 7 kids to it, he was over the moon, he was having a party. He of course didn't invite any of the kids who he didn't get on with. Why would he. But there were 22 other kids in his class who didn't get invited. It wasn't a pointed attack on one particular child, it was just a numbers thing.

Such an easy option. No-one has to be hurt, no-one has to have a child they are terrified of at their party. So easy.

DS1 has been invited to parties, he has not been invited to parties that is the way it goes in life, thank goodness I haven't actually come across anyone in real life who would do this. We have experienced all the usual kid stuff over the years with the pushing and the biting and all the rest of it but never have I experienced adults behaving like children.

I completely understand, my dd does not socialise she keeps resell to herself and does not really form friendships with children and she des not like parties, so of course she does not get invited and I understand that, though it des make me sad. Those who support the bully and tell op to invite him are totally wrong, why should the op dd have someone who makes her miserable and sad at her special day. It's like the child would be rewarded for his a
Bad behaviour. The solution woul be to have a smaller arty

Yeah, go on, exclude him. Make him feel really bad. Yeah. Little brat. He deserves it. Oh, did someone say he was 4?

And so nothing changes, the bullying continues and nothing improves.

It's not as if your dd isn't going to be closely looked after. If he does start, then it's your prime opportunity to come down on him like a tonne of bricks.

I have seen threads on here from people saying DS/DD has been excluded and I know why. Usually the why is the kid is a bit odd, or did something way back in preschool and got labelled then as the mean kid.

I remember reading one quite clearly. Will have a dig.

How can you invite every other child and exclude one? I would call that bullying behaviour

Fair enough, don't invite him, I wouldn't either, but it would be seriously bitchy to invite the rest of the class and exclude one. Have a smaller party, make it girls only, or a max of 10 or something, but not all bar one

I agree that the OP could have a party where they pick a small group of children to and I am surte a good time would be had by all, however, why should she have to tailor what she would like to do for her own child round the bahaviour of another child that is not her responsibility? I have two boys and I know for a fact that they would not be gossiping about party invites and what a good time they had a party at pre school - they would be playing games and doing stuff that 4 year olds do, girls might be different but would a boy be shocked to discover that all the girls had gone to this girls party??? Anyhoo -all academic again as the reality is that not everyone will go.

crashdoll the name calling towards the little boy on this thread is shameful.

he will ahve been 2-3yrs old when most of this behaviour took place and is three, possibly four now. he is a LITTLE child, one that is learning, who needs consistency and boundaries and quite franklky i am amazed that the pre-school has let this go on, if there is a problem ANYWHERE it is with the pre-school and the staff who have let this continue.

also pushing, snatching etc is fairly standard behaviour at this age, the op has her dd's word that he had done it ALL the time. my 4yr old ds4 often would tell me that so and so did this that and the other when at pre-school, i spoke to the staff and yes there had often been the odd incident. and at that age they remember the ONE incident well, they can often make it out to be more than it was.

has the op actually stayed for a session and seen this continuous 'bullying' of her dd? have the staff told her of lots of incidents, or are we jsut hearing a 3 yr olds version of events?

morloth i remember numerous threads like that as well, with children with sn or behavioural issues who are ALWAYS excluded from parties. they make for very sad reading :(

crash when does he stop being a child? Have an interest because thats what a lot of people have said about my DSs bully, whos 10, "hes only a child" "hes had a hard life". Ok I can maybe see this applies at 3/4 but its still getting trotted out as an excuse for this boy, and hes a vile, manipulative liar who has heeped misery on our entire family for the past year. Unless someone has lived through what we have its very easy to come oput with the "hes only a child" excuse. Including this boys Social workers funnily enough.

But of course not every badly behaved 3 year old will grow up into a badly behaved 10 year old. But some do. Regardless of the rights/wrongs of name calling and labelling if OPs DD doesnt want this child there then that should be that. Its her party. There is no rule that states who you should or shouldnt invite to a party.

crashdoll the name calling towards the little boy on this thread is shameful.

Oh please......it's not like anyone on here would actually say that to the child or his parents face!!! Then I would be shocked.

Yes why should he go to op dd party if he makes er miserable, windy would you invite someone who makes you unhappy and is nasty to you to your party . Just because it's children des not make that any different, wht I am suggesting s that op has a smaller party so one is not left out

...and whether it was regular bullying or not, the OP said that her daughter is terrified - that may not be the boys fault but you cant insist that she invite him.

Sorry Morloth I think I haven't put that clearly. I meant "can see why" in an understanding of the reasoning and think they are justified sense, rather than my child is being excluded for X reason which I can't help.

I can see your point, you have given some very common sense answers to this. I don't think anyone here would be for the exclusion of a child based on behavioral needs if the parents were supportive and able to manage the behavior.

However like I have said, sometimes my sons behavior will spoil it for everyone. That isn't fair.

Gosh 4 more pages since I last read.

What sad reading this all makes. Calling a 3 year old names is just horrible.

I would never leave my child in a pre-school/nursery or school where they were being continually (for a year fgs) terrorised by other children and nothing was done.

But nor would I call a 3 year old names, exclude one child from a whole class party, or assume that the behaviour of a 3 year old means they are going to turn into a bully for life.

Debeez, as a complete aside, have you tried some Drama or stage type activities with your son? - maybe he is a tv star of the future - with enthusiasm like that he might be the next David attenborough or childrens entertainer :)

Sorry that was badly worded and crass. Should have been

were supportive or able to manage the behavior.

Still think this whole thing is a mountain out of a molehill, the OPs daughter should be asked who she wants to invite and take it from there. I'd be surprised if she named the whole class except this one child.

Ohhh right, I didn't realise it was acceptable to call small children names behind their backs. How old was this boy when he was behaving badly, 2 or 3 years old? I've worked with pre-school children for long enough to know that you cannot judge a child's lifetime behaviour pattern by how they behave at nursery.

..even at 12, my son would be hard pushed to remeber who sits beside never mind name everyone in his class.

i said on the last page my ds1 was terrified of a little boy, i didnt exclude him or avoid them, i explained to my child that this little boy was young and learning like him. and i supervised and helped my son to try and play nicely with him. stepped in when needed and pointed out the fun they had together when they did manage to play nicely. as they got older they were actually good friends, but from 2-4 yrs was a hard phase, but we went to the same toddler groups nad saw each other regularly, so imade the choice that it was worth working at, to help ds1 deal with it, i accepted his feelings and spoke to him about them, offered him reassurance and made sure i was close by.

the op cannot do that at the pre-school, but she needs to speak to the staff and find out what is going on and what they are doing to deal with it.

this party could be the ideal opportunity to hopefully see the nice side of this little boy. i would assume his parents would stay, but even if not at a party you supervise and deal with issues. i would make sure there were extra adults on hand, appoint someone to shadow the little boy and hopefully all lcan have a nice time and the ops dd can see that actually this little boy isnt as scary as she thinks.

i would also point out that at the age of 3, children can be 'terrified' of lots of things, part of our job as aparent it to help them understand these fears and overcome them as necessary.

having a party where you invite everyone bar one child is NOT the done thing, like it or not, it is rude and hurtful at times.

so crashdoll, you have never called a child something in your head? If so, then hats of to you cos I absolutely have and I'm not a hypocrite

Of course I have thought unsavoury thoughts given that I am a normal human being. I just wouldn't share them with people especially not in this context. It's totally unnessecary and just an excuse to call names.

Well there is nothing wrong with this by not being invited op dd should not have to have someone in her arty who makes her miserable, his behaviour is not op problem, but tat of his arents and school. What I suggest is that op hold a smaller party and not invite him, nothing wro g with that

Also, I don't think that the OP's DD will be disappointed with a smaller party if she really is 'terrified' of the other child. The OP comes across very much as an almost political attempt to make sure that DD is 'in' with the other children as her close friends have started school leaving her behind.