to want to exclude one child

[Ithinkitsjustme]

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

Haven't read the whole thread but in this situation there's NO WAY I would risk spoiling my child's party by inviting this child.

OP, DON'T do it. Your priority is your child's birthday and making sure she has a lovely time. Why should you compromise that just for the sake of including everyone. Generally it IS mean to exclude one or two children but in this situation you have every good reason to do so.

I read some of these replies with utter disbelief - this little boy is being demonised when he is little more than a baby.
If people didn't have these mad whole class parties it wouldn't arise. 6 little friends would be far more enjoyable anyway.
Excluding one child is horrible. I call it bullying. Everyone on here would call it bullying if their DC was the only child left out. I can't see them saying 'serve you right, party DC doesn't like you'.
Leaving one DC out is bullying - there are no 'ifs' and 'buts'.
It would be easy to put one adult in charge of him . I would do it if asked to help out a friend.

Of course I wouldn't exclude one child from a birthday party. Good Lord. What an unkind thing to do. This child is (presumably) 3 years old. I'm rolling my eyes at the sanctimonious claims that this little boy must face consequences for his actions, and that exclusion is an appropriate consequence. He is unlikely to have reached a stage of cognitive development that would allow him even to make the connection between past behaviour (months and months ago) and a party in October.

The name-calling and demonising of the child on this thread is quite appalling. He isn't a bully. As an aside, something that really bothers me is the inappropriate labeling of all unwanted behaviour as "bullying." It's an easy way to garner sympathy, since the word is highly emotive. But that doesn't mean that it is always accurate. In fact, I would say it is wildly inaccurate to label any 3-year-old a bully. To be fair to the OP, I don't think she used that word, but it was tossed around with abandon in many of the responses.

A1980 I completely agree with you. I don't get whole class parties either either as host or attendee. Who wants to spend every weekend going to and from parties?

Unfortunatele I think the mentality is if you spend so much on a hall, entertainer etc you should make it worthwhile in terms of presents

DCs never play with everyone equally. One DC per year in age is far more fun for the DC - 4 friends- simple.

kitchenjumble all very logical in theory what you are saying, but if this child had treated my child in the way he had, you can call it what you like but I wouldn't want him near my child.

Luckily we never had them when mine were small. Who wants to be going to all these parties and why on earth would you want all those presents?
It is like a corporate affair- presents in a black bag - child never sees them opened and then gets a short computer written letter by mother.

Good post by kitchenandjumble. I don't think that I can bear to read more from adults who would treat a small child in such a way.

Simple then dancergirl- ask a few friends and not the whole class.

don't invite him, the little squit, why should you?

Exactly dancergirl. but even then you don't need a hall.and.entertainer. they are three and four year olds: a tea party at home is enough!!

exoticfruits but what about the feelings of another small child - the OP's dd? Isn't she entitled to enjoy her party without a child she is scared of?

Can you phone the DM (or DF) of the boy and say that your DD would like to invite him but that you are worried as they haven't got on well in the past. You could ask her if she could stay at the party and help you make sure everything runs smoothly.

I have had this type is situation and have always invited either half the class, all of one sex or ALL of the class. To exclude just one DC is a bit mean on the DC and on the DC's DM ( and DF)

you can pick at my language all you like Larry but i saw the boy, he came running out the classroom, happy as pie, then saw his dad ran over and started to tell how ds2 had kicked him and cried as he did so. who then came over and had a go at me.

i spoke to the school, the incident had taken place in the first lesson of the day, hte boy hadnt cried at the time, he had gone to hit ds2 back and a teacher had intervened. the school dealt with the incident, i dealt with my ds2 by punishing him. the school dealt with the boys and remprimanded them for their behaviour. they also spoke to the dad in question and made it clear his behaviour towards me was not ok. we actually spoke the next day,i said i didnt want there to be an atmosphere or a problem between us, esp as the two boys did actually play well together sometimes, he still refused to believe that his son had anything to do with the outburst, despite the school telling him otherwise. his son apparently never name called, or lashed out, or was mean in anyway. yet the school saw the incident, and there had been several similar where they had had to intervene to stop this boy from goading my ds2. i knew it was a problem and had spoken to the school and also spent time teaching my ds2 ways to deal with it.

seriously a lot of the time with children and fighting there is generally two sides to every story, six of one half a dozen of another. so when my child come to me, if they are crying i calm then down and i will sympathise with them but yes i make dam sure i try and find out the whole story.

in these circumstances (the op) i would ahve been speaking to the pre-school long ago and if they didnt deal with it effectively then it wouldnt be a pre-school that i would leave my child at.

and as for other issues, its not making a defence or an excuse, but i would look at the whole picture, we have no idea whether a particular child may have sn or a difficulties at home, i prefer to give the benefit of doubt rather than label and exclude a CHILD and a very young one at that.

and i never said he should have just taken a good kicking! i would have quite happily spoken to his dad about it and have got the boys to talk about it, kicking is not acceptable and ds2 knows this, but neither is goading, pushing and winding up another child. hence why i spoke to the school and found out what happened and then dealt with ds2 accordingly, unlike the other boy who got a pat on the back and the delight in witnessing his father verbally abuse another parent in the playground. i know which i think is the better option. but then if that boy is used to his dad attacking people like that, it makes sense that he would think it ok to wind up, verbally insult and push around other smaller children (my ds2 was 2 yrs younger than this child but htey had mixed classes last year)

as it was the school dealt with it very well, we worked with ds2 to give him strategies to deal with situations and the two boys were friends for most the rest of the school year.

but you take your crying three year olds words as gospel if you like. i prefer to find out the full story, its a good job most people do, given the last time ds4 had a bump on his head and some asked how he got it he piped up with 'mummy threw me against a wall' what actually happened was he had bumped heads with one of his brothers on a trampoline! but yes lets believe the word of a three year old?

no they dont always lie, esp not as blatantly as that, but often htere is more than one side to a story, i have 5 children them coming and telling on one another is something that happens, i dont just listen to the crying child, accept their word as gospel and then tell off the other child, i try and assertain what actually happened and if i am not there then i will calm them down, make it clear what is and istn allowed, but i wont play judge and jury when i havent seen an incident take place.

Of course she is,dancergirl, but it doesn't allow her to bully in return. Excluding is a well known bullying tactic - children wouldn't be allowed to do it in school - sadly adults appear to think it perfectly OK.
The answer is absolutely simple - the DD chooses a few friends if she wants to avoid.

I feel I should reiterate what the OP stated in her earlier posts, as much of it seems to have been forgotten.

" As I said, I'm prepared for his behaviour to have changed (in which case he would be invited) but this is preparation in case it hasn't - so it shouldn't be too far removed from his behaviour for him to see it a consequence."
So could we stop with the 'he won't connect not being invited to what he did months ago'. Op will be inviting him (or not) based on his behaviour in the weeks immediately prior to the party.

" the pre-school were having a real battle with the two boys behaviour, obviously they can't give me any details but neither boy was considered as having any special needs"
So the preschool were trying to deal with it. And frankly if they were having a real battle with it, that suggests to me that the boys behaviour was pretty bad, well above the normal pushing etc.

"the two boys targeted any smaller girls and my DD was the smallest."
Targeting. Yep, that's bullying in my book, regardless of the age of the person doing the targeting. If you can be deliberate enough to SELECT a victim who's not likely to hurt you back, rather than just having a go at everyone, there's a bit of deliberation in there; even if you are a small child.

Debeez, your post of 15:33:24 brought a little lump to my throat, and shows a positive side of whole-class parties that I had never considered before. Indeed, had I not already been of the opinion that the OP should not feel obliged to scale back her party, your post alone would have convinced me.

I didn't like a DD when I was 5yrs - she didn't do anything to me, I just found her a bit scary- others didn't.

I love the use of expressions like 'PC', or 'Do-Gooders' or 'Bleeding-Heart Brigade', 'Right-on inclusivity' when people don't like what you say.

How about 'kind' or 'thoughtful' or 'humane'?

(But I do stand by the use of 'bully' for all those demonising a small child).

But the OP has already left her child in the same place as two boys who were terrorising her for a year. So how can being at the party be any worse?

As for "not wanting to spend the whole party supervising" who on earth thinks that they can have a whole class party for 3 and 4 years olds without spending all afternoon supervising?

I am proud to be a 'do gooder' etc if it means standing up against excluding a DC who is little more than a baby- I doubt he has been alive more than about 48 months.

I wouldn't want mine at one without the party givers expecting to supervise! Just get an extra adult- an older child would do.

Sorry exotic but a one-off incidence of exclusion is NOT bullying. No-one's suggesting she should go out to completely avoid this child on a day-to-day basis...but this is a birthday party and they are important to children and they don't happen every day.

yes i would rather be a do gooder, try and find out exactly what is/has gone on and deal with a situation, and that included making allowances for a young child or to think about the fact that there may be more to the situation than you can see at face value.

equally tho if my child was getting bullied and the school/pre-school was doing nothing and let the situation continue for a year, i would have no hesistation in finding a better school or pre-school!

you either invite all the children or you have a smaller party. i would prefer a smaller party anywya, i have done both, big and small the smaller ones are alwasy much more pleasant! i also agree that if you have a party of 3/4 yr olds you WILL spend your time supervising!

Tell that to 13yr old girls who exclude one of the gang- it doesn't matter a one off doesn't count!!

I agree with exoticfruits. The obvious solution is to invite a smaller group to the party or invite the whole class. Excluding one child is simply wrong.

Whether the child is judged on his behaviour of last year or the month before the party, it is still too far removed for him to make a meaningful connection between his actions and the party invitation (or lack thereof).

A 3-year-old cannot "target" or "terrorise" or "bully" another child. Full marks to some of you for using the most emotive language you can muster, though.