to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

[mackereltin]

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

Does your dad know you have dumped Dullname?

Me and DP are currently having the dullname/averagetocoolname discussion.
His is dullname, mine is averagetocoolname. DS (mine, not dp's) is my averagetocoolname so i have told DP i think it would be easier/better for him to take mine, if one of us are to change. He disagrees. He doesnt want to change his surname.

I think his surname is a first name, and very common, i dont like it and dont want it. But i also dont want different surnames once we marry which makes things more difficult.

I havent yet broached the subsequent childrens surname discussion

Yes, he seems quite capable of addressing envelopes to me using my married name, & has managed this for most of a decade.

Dullname's entirely inoffensive & I was perfectly content to hang on to it during my first marriage, fwiw, not being terribly keen on my first dh's surname.

There just didn't seem much point in double-barrelling it for my own dc. It would just have rendered the name unwieldy (name tapes, form-filling, marrying someone else double barrelled), & there didn't seem a good reason to saddle them with it.

Double barrell names arnt a punishment. No one cares if you have two surnames. It's not hassle.
People seem perfectly happy to give their kids excessive middle names so why not just first name double barrell last name. Easy.

I gave DS his dad's because I assumed we'd marry.

I tend to use mine for him now when I can, but legally he has XP's.

I went for DH's name which is annoying and leaves me open to sexual innuendo lol

My maiden name was not much better

The father thing is interesting - my male cousin is the last one to "bear the family name" as the rest of us are girls. He's now disowned his father, and changed his name to his mother's maiden name (which she also goes by). He then apologised to our grandfather for not carrying on the family name, but stated that he hoped his dad got the point that he wouldn't be. He doesn't have any children (yet); he's only 21.

It had never occurred to me before that men see such ownership over the "family name" and such a state of duty to it.

I raised DD as a single parent since she was a baby so she has my surname, my abusive exP isn't even on the birth certificate. Of course I was upset at the time but in retrospect it's been the best thing for both of us. Other single mums I know have had all sorts of trouble when wanting to change their child's surname to their own maiden name (not allowed without father's permission) and when the ex's name is on the birth certificate it gives him rights to use all sorts of manipulative strategies like messing up their holiday plans or insisting she can't move back close to family for support.

Krumbum - absolutely, no-one cares. It's just a PITA to have a 13 character surname rather than a 5 character one, if you're 4 (or the parent of said 4 year old sewing in name tapes...).

I honestly think we need to move towards 'just pick the nicer name, already!'.

I can't stand double barrelled names, so if I had one the first thing I would do at 18 is drop half and just keep the one that I liked best.

I don't know why people get so bothered about these things. I really don't care that OP is baffled! (there are far more important things to worry about)

"I love my surname but remember it is only the name previously passed down by the father's side, not really worth getting too feminist about really."

my name is not 'only the name previously passed down by the father's side'. once given to me it became mine and to me it doesn't matter where it came from - it is now mine and, as i have said previously, my name is a significant part of my identity.

and as for 'not getting too feminist' about it remember that it is because of feminism that women today are able to exercise choice over chnaging their name on marriage.

it does surprise me how many times people, both male and female, are surprised to hear that i have not changed my birth name, and seem to geniuinely believe there is some law that says you must change name if you get married.

Goodness knows why ceres- lots don't change- it isn't odd these days.

I wanted to change my name to DH's when we got married. For no other reason I guess than that it is traditional and what I have grown up expecting to do. I have no strong feelings about either name. However I would definitely have given my children my surname had I not been married. I think I may just be very old fashioned! I would have wanted to marry before my child was born so that we could all have the same family name. Yep I'm clearly old fashioned but this is my own opinion on my life and as for what other people call themselves or their children - its none of my business and I really don't think about it.

Interesting point about the identity thing mentioned by ceres - my maiden name was indeed my identity but so is being married to my dh and having the same name as my dh and kids. Like I said I'm clearly living in the wrong century! Each to their own though. There are so many variations nothing is 'normal' any more anyway.

I didn't change my name (DCs are double barrelled) and I've had people tell me 'you can't be married, you don't have the same name' they have always been old though.

Nearly all the married women I know have changed their name, I find it strange tbh but their choice. Even the ones who have lived together and had kids for years before marriage.

I've kept my name. DS has DH's name with mine as a middle name. If we are fortunate enough to have a DD we'll do it the other way around.

DH was a bit about me not changing my name at first, so I told him if he felt strongly about us having the same name he could change his. It wasn't mentioned again.

once you don't follow the norm ken you really find out what people's assumptions are don't you!

There is another thread in AIBU ATM about not changing your name after divorce - LOL - really interesting to see people on that one arguing that they are keeping their ExH's name because it is their name now, but presumably they didn't feel that about their original second name

My birth second name was my name, is my name, and forever will be my name.

I had dd's who took my name, although exH and I had decided that boys would have his name and girls mine - gets over that old "passing on the family name" thing. And no, I don't think it would have confused the dcs to have different names any more than they are not confused to have my name - they just grow up knowing that you can call your dcs whatever you want in the UK, i.e. they grow up knowing they have choices, which can only be a good thing.

You mean when the mother doesn't have the same name? I find that a bit odd too. I suppose it makes sense if women think they'll get married eventually and want to take the man's name.

I think it's a good idea to always take the father's name. Or the mother's. By having a rule like that it'll save a hell of a lot of arguments.

Double-barrelling is stupid. What happens when 2 double-barrelled names breed? 4 barrelled? Then 8 barrelled?

If a Smith-Jones had children with a Taylor-Jones, would they be:

Smith-Jones-Taylor-Jones?
or
Smith-Taylor-Jones?
or
Smith-Taylor-Jones Squared?

I double barreled, but in all honesty I regret it. Never use the whole thing anyway, just my own name. DH did not want to change to mine not to upset his dad and we got married in a country where it was not an option for him to double barrel.
Any DCs will have the double barreled one.

What happens when they breed? Well, if the DC are old enough for that, I'm sure they can figure it out - as we have seen from this thread, there are options and no law saying that the future grandchildren have to take all names from both parents.

I've noticed that the younger women at my work have almost always taken their DH's name. And not because their maiden name was Miss TwattlyTwat or some such ugly name. Very fucking sad.

Without exception, the married and unmarried surnamed their children after the bloke. WTAF. Really.

Why is it always the women who change?

Prince Charles took his Mum's surname.

I don't know if I'm repeating anything because I'm too lazy to read 17 pages.lol
I had a double barelled name before I married and liked it because I was literally the only person with that name (I checked census records.lol) But
Now I'm separated I've gone back to using just my father's name as it's the shorter of the two and easier to tell people down the phone!
Anyway....In Spain they always double barrel, with the mother's name going first then when they have children they use the mothers names again. Eg Anna Fernandez Ramos and Jose Martinez Garcia have a child which takes the surname Fernandez Martinez (effectively taking the grandmothers' names) So if two people marry whi's mother's are Ramirez something they will become "Ramirez Ramirez" Sounds funny but in family terms the Spanish are matriarchal.
In Ireland (from my experience) in married couples tend to give the child the mother's name.
I think when you're married it's all down to personal choice. If you've taken your husbands name then why not give that name to your child? You are a family after all!
As someone has already said we should just "choose the nicer name already".

In married should read unmarried....stupid phone.

Some men change surnames on accession to titles. Doesn't seem to bother them much then.