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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

452 replies

mackereltin · 23/08/2012 15:42

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

OP posts:
Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:52

Morloth the Spanish model would mean double barrelling would not become unwieldy.
I don't have children but when I do they will have my name or we will double barrell. My partner is open to them hsving just mine but we havnt decided yet.
We are getting married next year and both keeping our own names.

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:53

Why did you need his father's permission?

I don't know the rules in the UK very well (despite having had a baby there) but here the mother's surname is given automatically and you have to fill in all the paperwork saying who the father is and that that will be the surname.

Is his father still on the scene? If your DS wanted to change now surely one parent's permission would be enough?

nokidshere · 23/08/2012 23:54

I have a surname that is a good route to teasing/bullying but I have always taught my boys to be confident with it.

If anyone says anything to them they just roll their eyes and remark how very original that was :) good boys!!

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:54

Todaysagoodday
You don't need the dads permission the register the child under your name. You just do it.

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:55

Yes, I did agree the Spanish arrangement made sense in a slightly later post.

Still wouldn't want a law about what you call your kids though (leaving out obviously abusive/really bloody stupid names).

nocluenoclueatall · 23/08/2012 23:55

YAdefinitelyNBU. I'm totally with you OP and it's something I've wondered about since I, and most of my friends have had our children. ALL of those kids, bar none, have their father's surname. It's very weird.

Disclaimer: I gave DS DH's surname myself... lots of reasons, mostly due to not liking double barrelled surnames and not really having any positive role models in women giving their surname to their children. I didn't give up my name when I got married, so now I'm the odd one out in my own family. That's quite annoying isn't it? I wish I could have come up with a better option but I was so screwed physically and mentally after childbirth that I couldn't really get my head around it. Still can't.

Am tempted to double barrel mine now. Which would be a TOTAL OWN GOAL. Gah.

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:58

God no, I like being the odd one out.

No idea why, but I do feel just a little seperate from my boys/DH but heres the thing, I LIKE that.

My boys are all about Daddy, its wonderful. Grin

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:59

Noclue. You could double barrell ds last name now?

NovackNGood · 23/08/2012 23:59

The law is no different to UK law at the end of the day as you must register a birth with have a name. The law is just that you must have two surnames.

TodaysAGoodDay · 24/08/2012 00:01

Morloth we're divorced yay! so DS needs his dad's permission for things like that. Much like going outside of mainland England and Wales, which is an issue, as we live 30 miles from the Scottish border. A PITA, but legally required.

cerealqueen · 24/08/2012 00:01

OP, I don,t get it either, and DP doesn't get why I don't get it, and we've had heated arguments.

It's a throw back to a patriarchal age. There is always the argument about choice, though rarely a choice a man makes. Confused.

What you call your child is surely something you agree between you, not for his father to give permission? Permission to whom?

Morloth · 24/08/2012 00:02

Do you have to keep the 2 name thing throughout your life?

For registering births its fine, but I have known people here who have legally changed their name to just the one, no first/last name, just the one when they are adults and I think people should be able to do that if they like.

cerealqueen · 24/08/2012 00:03

Cross post, now I see Todays.

TodaysAGoodDay · 24/08/2012 00:04

Krumbum really? Are you certain of that?

What's to stop his dad changing it back though...

Morloth · 24/08/2012 00:06

Ah OK today no idea about the legalities - I assume you have looked it up? If your DS really wanted to change then depending on his age I expect a court would take his preferences into account when deciding.

If you are happy to wait until he is older though it probably isn't worth the agro/expense of going through it all though.

Glad you are free of him, he sounds like a royal PITA. Grin

Krumbum · 24/08/2012 00:07

Sorry I said that before I knew you were now divorced. But would his dad not agree to double barrelling it? He world still have his name, just yours as well.

NovackNGood · 24/08/2012 00:07

So everyone would be trying to be like a Messi or Cristiano in a matter of years and that would lead to chaos. That would lead to you effectively becoming just a number whether that was your birthday and hour or a NI number.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 00:08

Is his dad involved Today? If not, why would he even need to know?

Floggingmolly · 24/08/2012 00:08

Isn't everyone having the same name part of what identifies you as a family? Wasn't that the original purpose?
I was bemused at someone earlier on the thread who, disliking both her and her DH's surnames, gave their children a third, different name Hmm
So, one family, three different surnames. Confusing.

TodaysAGoodDay · 24/08/2012 00:09

That's why I'm waiting until he's 16. He's only 5 now, so the teasing hasn't really begun yet, but it will. Many thanks, anyway. Yes, the ex was (is still) a royal PITA! Grin

TodaysAGoodDay · 24/08/2012 00:11

Morloth yes, his dad is most definitely involved. Unfortunately. And yes, if he found out he would immediately change it back. Not worth the hassle IMO.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 00:11

We don't need the same name to define us as a family, my family has many many many different names, we are still family.

For some a family name is important (i.e. my DH) for others (i.e. Me) it isn't.

Whatever floats your boat.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 00:13

In that case Today I would just leave it, not worth the fall out. Do as you planned, let your DS know it is an option when he is older then it can be his choice.

TodaysAGoodDay · 24/08/2012 00:15

Thanks Morloth Thanks

ravenAK · 24/08/2012 00:41

We went for dh's Coolname & I quite happily dumped Dullname.

I was up the duff when we got married, so it made sense to agree on a name before ds appeared.

We could've gone for Coolname-Dullname; dh was perfectly amenable & there's a family precedent in that his elder sister's family are the Coolname-Othernicenames, but Dullname simply didn't bring anything to the party - it honestly could not be more boring.

If I'd been the one with the nicer name, would we now have that as a family name? Don't think so, tbh. We'd've gone double-barrelled I think. It is an issue, a cultural gender difference; dh would've been less relaxed than me about dumping his family name altogether.

I do find it interesting is that my father has been visibly chuffed recently at the birth of my brother's son. Ds is the First Born Grandson, dd1 & 2 are the Granddaughters Who Can Do No Wrong, but dad is definitely a bit tickled to now have The Grandson Who Will Carry On Dullname...

We don't have full parity in naming - definitely not gender-blind. Long way to go.