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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

452 replies

mackereltin · 23/08/2012 15:42

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 22:48

They are part of your DH too!

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 22:49

Perhaps one of each is the answer-if you want to be fair.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 22:51

I didn't say we wouldn't double barrell. I just said I want them to have my name, they can have his name too.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 22:53

Double barrelled is better than one of each.

nokidshere · 23/08/2012 22:53

Dh would have changed to my name when we got married - happily. I have a huge family and he just has his mum though so I decided it would be hurtful to her (especially after his dad died and she was the only other relative) and persuaded him to keep his name and I was more than happy to change mine to his. Whichever name we had chosen would be the name our children had - so in this case they have his.

I know lots of people who use their maiden name for work purposes and dh's names for family, and lots who use their own names - their children have a fair mixture of both.

I don't think it has anything to do with feminism though, more to do with the confidence of knowing who you are and how you want to be addressed by others. I have never felt, or been made to feel "owned" because I took his name.

And since I would never have had children before marriage any children would always have had the same surname as their parents whichever one we had chose.

CleoSmackYa · 23/08/2012 22:55

After much debate with my ex over whose surname our daughter would have, we double-barrelled. I regret it a bit now though, it's epic! We just couldn't think of another way to have both our surnames.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 22:58

It is to do with feminism because the vast majority of children have their fathers name because of sexist, archaic reasons.

nokidshere · 23/08/2012 23:00

How do you know that krum? Are we (on mn) the only intelligent people in the universe? Do you not think that the majority of people in this day and age choose their names based on their own decisions?

Even if their reasons are "because its traditional" they are still valid reasons.

SimoneD · 23/08/2012 23:01

This has always baffled me as well - especially when women are only in a casual relationship or not in a relationship at all with the father of their child and yet still give the child their surname. I think its just something thats very ingrained.
Ditto with taking the husbands name after marriage. I kept my own name and have had so many people ask 'are you allowed to do that' Confused
I think people in general just do what everyone else does - follow the crowd without giving anything any real thought which is a bit sad

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 23:01

Or because people freely choose it-I like it.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 23:02

I didn't follow the crowd-I thought about it.

SimoneD · 23/08/2012 23:04

and yes agree with krumbum that it is sexist and archaic.

nokidshere · 23/08/2012 23:05

"I think people in general just do what everyone else does - follow the crowd without giving anything any real thought which is a bit sad"

It really pees me off when people debating in online chatrooms think they are the only people who ever discuss things! Do you really think that we are the only people who take time to discuss important issues in our lives? What makes you think that everyone who had a baby in, say, the past 10 years hasn't had the same discussion that we are having on here about their name.

Incredibly patronising!

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:05

Because its traditional is an archaic and sexist reason.
There are people who have said on here they do it for that reason! And the 'oh I just like his name better' reason. It is weird that so many women dislike their own last name. Unbelievable coincidence.
We are brought up thinking it is normal and correct for women to change their names and children to have the fathers name. It just isn't questioned. That's the issue.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:08

Nokidshere if that were true don't you think more kids would have their mums last name? You think all these people question it and then ALL decide to go with the dads name (which just happens to be the traditional one) Hmm

CointreauVersial · 23/08/2012 23:09

Because DH's surname was much nicer than mine, and I knew we'd get married eventually and could all have the same surname (I like an easy life).

Sod all to do with convention, rejection of feminism etc. Just our (mine/DH'S) choice.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 23:09

Incredibly patronising!

Hear, hear-it irritates me like hell that if you follow tradition and don't find it archaic and sexist then you you have 'followed like sheep' and can't think for yourself. We can choose! I chose and am thoroughly glad -especially since all DH left after an early death was his name.

nokidshere · 23/08/2012 23:12

Well I guess it depends then which social circles you move in krum because I know lots of children with the same name as their mother.

And the reason for your name doesn't matter as long as you as a couple are happy with what you have decided.

SimoneD · 23/08/2012 23:12

nokidshere where did I say that people who debate in internet chatrooms are the only people who discuss things?? That would be a really odd assertion dont you think? I know from personal experience (i.e real life and not online) that everyone who has had a baby in the last 10 years (just to use your example) hasnt had this same discussion because I know a large proportion of mothers who have given the child the fathers name with no thought at all because its the 'norm' in our society

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 23:12

It also irritates me that you are presumed not to have discussed it, not to have thought about it and above all been so ignorant that you didn't know that you could keep your name and your DCs could have it. That is patronising in the extreme.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 23/08/2012 23:13

His name honestly is way better than mine was. I'm not going to write them down, but mine was very boring. Think "Smith" or similar. Loads of them about.

His name has random people saying "ooh, what an interesting name".

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 23:13

It is really nothing whatever to do with anyone else.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:15

Ok even if some people did talk about it then why make the sexist choice?

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:15

DH cared about it, I didn't - so they have his name.

MumOfTheMoos · 23/08/2012 23:15

We discussed it and agreed that our ds would have the name that sounded best with his, although I think I always knew that he would end up with dh's name. Mine is already double barrelled and didn't seem to go as well. If (& ds was ivf, so it's a big if) we have another one he or she may take my name - we have some friends who have one that in NZ.

The compromise is that his first name is a family name from my side of th efamily.

Plus, the dog has my surname on her vet records!