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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

452 replies

mackereltin · 23/08/2012 15:42

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

OP posts:
Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:17

Why didn't you care?

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 23:17

It has a lot to do with who is left to carry it on. It also has to do with loved ones who have died.There are lots of things to take into consideration. If you are called Pratt or similar you are probably only too pleased to change. I should think Smith etc is pleased too.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 23:18

Maybe you wouldn't be baffled if you actually asked people.

nokidshere · 23/08/2012 23:18

nokidshere where did I say that people who debate in internet chatrooms are the only people who discuss things?? That would be a really odd assertion dont you think? I know from personal experience (i.e real life and not online) that everyone who has had a baby in the last 10 years (just to use your example) hasnt had this same discussion because I know a large proportion of mothers who have given the child the fathers name with no thought at all because its the 'norm' in our society

And I know a large proportion of mothers who have kept their own names and given the children their names after discussing it with their partners. I do not presume to think that everyone who has a child with the fathers surname has done so without thinking about it first. It may have been "the norm" once upon a time but, in my circles at least, it certainly isn't anymore.

Quite apart from the fact that I really dont give a toss why someone has chosen their surname - why would it even matter to anyone but the person using it?

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:18

The cat has my surname as well!

So in our house the girls have one name and the boys have another.

I wonder if we had had daughters if I would have been more interested in them having my surname?

My neices all have our family names, but I think that was because when they were born their parents were not married and even though one set did get married it was too much phaff to change it so no one bothered.

Thinking about it, I probably would have insisted on my daughter having my surname. Just because that is the done thing in our family.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:19

Whst about all the men called smith and Pratt who strongly want Their kids to have their name? Why is it only women that conveniently hate their name?

larks35 · 23/08/2012 23:20

Myself and DP aren't married and he didn't express an opinion when DS was born wrt surnames. I chose to give DS my DP's surname for several reasons:
My DP is the only male of his generation whereas by DBro has already passed on the the family name;
Although my DP seemed easy-going about the naming of our children I knew he would like his dad's name to be passed down as his dad died when he was 17.

However, my DS3.5 now assumes that I have the same surname as him and I haven't told him any different yet. I think that I may have to either drag DP to the registry office or change my name by deedpoll to make life a little simpler in the future.

tigercametotea · 23/08/2012 23:20

I haven't really been much of a feminist until I joined MN and a few other parenting groups. I am a bit of a late bloomer. But by then my children have all been born and taken their father's surname. I just did it out of adherence to tradition without much thought into it. I would have considered having a double barrelled surname for them if I could do things differently again. I don't think I would just go for them having my own surname though unless I was a single mum when I had them.

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:21

I don't know krumbum I just didn't.

I didn't change my surname on getting married because I didn't want to. I also knew I would be taking time off with babies at some point and worked hard on a professional reputation under my name so I wanted to be able to pull those contacts when the time came (and it did, and I did).

larks35 · 23/08/2012 23:22

I love my surname but remember it is only the name previously passed down by the father's side, not really worth getting too feminist about really.

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:24

I don't hate my surname, I like my name, it is a really attractive name, First Middle and Surname. Flows beautifully.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:25

I think many of you are underestimating the power of social convention and tradition. You may have thought and made a choice but that doesn't mean everyone has. If it really were just a free choice with no history or influence then there would be many more kids with their mums name and more women would choose to keep their name after marriage. And the biggest indicator: there would actually be some men who changed their name to their wife's! (it is a tiny minority atm)

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:27

Larks. That is irrelevant. We have to start somewhere.

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:29

Of course choices are not made in a vacuum, no-one is saying they are.

There is still some free will about though. As I said, I have my original surname (which was my father's name so just as much a part of the tradition as me taking DHs would have been). My elder sister had a different dad to us who she was not very fond of so she changed to my dad's surname when she was legally able to and gave her daughters that name.

Not all traditions are bad and need throwing off.

Sometimes I am called Mrs DH's Lastname and more often (because I do all of the arranging and do it in my name) he is referred to as Mr Morloth.

For most people this isn't a big deal.

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:30

Can you give me a reason why my sons should not have their father's name?

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:32

I think sexist traditions should be got rid of. They benefit no one. It just proves how far we still have to go before we have equality. If women still see their identity is less worthy than a mans.

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:34

But wouldn't insisting on my name over my husbands be just as sexist? Should people make up a who new name when they get married? I am not arsey at all by the way, quite comfortable with my choices, just wondering what you think should be done if using the father's surname is out?

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:38

Double barrell.
Or mothers name for the time being, until the tradition dies out and people are able to make a free choice. That would be doing it for a specific purpose though.

NovackNGood · 23/08/2012 23:43

Or change the law like they did in Spain that you must have two surnames. Tradition is the fathers family name and the mothers family name so each parent passes on the first of their two surnames. At least the mother hands on her name for at least one generation although you can change the order and you can change then names if you like so long as you have two names noone cares.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 23:46

That's a very good idea. I knew that was what they did in Spain but did not realise it was law.

differentnameforthis · 23/08/2012 23:46

When I married I took dh's surname. Our children now have our surname.

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:46

Double barrel would get pretty unweildy after a generation or so though and I don't see any different between insisting on the mother's name over the father's.

Not saying that the tradition must be kept, but I don't think it is really appropriate to tell people they are doing the wrong thing when they are simply doing what they think is best within their own family. Did you want a law or just more education to let people know the options.

I can't remember Krumbum whether you have said you have kids or not. Do they have your surname? Did your partner have a preference?

DH was really keen on the boy's having his name and I just really didn't have any preference at all. So what would have been the point in forcing us into something neither of us wanted?

differentnameforthis · 23/08/2012 23:47

Oh & I was teased constantly over my surname & there is NO way that I would inflict that on my child!

Morloth · 23/08/2012 23:48

Spain thing makes sense. Not sure about a law though. I have friends/family who have changed their names completely to what they wanted.

A name is a big part of who you are and you should be able to have complete control over it.

TodaysAGoodDay · 23/08/2012 23:51

I would prefer my son had my surname, but his dad wouldn't give permission for it miserable fucking bastard
I have a lovely surname, no teasing, no innuendo, nothing, and DS now has his dad's surname which has a very quick route to teasing. It is obvious, and I know DS will be teased because of it. I am just waiting until DS is 16 (or 18?) until he can choose for himself, then I will offer my surname to him, explain why, and see how he feels. I will make it blatantly clear that he is free to choose for himself, and doesn't have to have mine or his dad's just to please me or his dad.