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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a massive overreaction?

335 replies

Justme23 · 18/08/2012 09:36

A friend of mine was in tears last night (at a bloody barbecue of all places) because she is having doubts about her almost one year marriage.

Basically her husband suggested recently that she ahem, trim her pubic hair and start taking care of herself a bit more.

She feels he is completely out of order for asking this, he has also said he is struggling to find her attractive any more, that she has completely let herself go since the wedding.

It is true, without sounding like a bitch, she has.
She has put on a lot of weight, no longer wears makeup unless it's a formal do, her hair is never styled and she does tend to live in polo shirts and the same pair of jeans and trainers. She admitted to me not long ago that she hasn't shaved her legs in months and we all could see yesterday that her armpits were well and truly neglected.

She used to be so well turned out and her husband used to be the first to say how beautiful she was and how proud he was to have her.

Their sex life used to be crazy but now is pretty non existent, she said he isn't interested any more.

Yesterday she (hysterically crying) told me she felt he was being disrespectful, nasty, cruel and evil and that she thinks she wants a divorce...

AIBU for thinking she is being very short sighted.

I certainly wouldn't be happy if DP married me and then turned Into a slob and after telling DP last night he agreed and said he could completely see her husbands point of view and would probably feel the same.

???

OP posts:
Ephiny · 18/08/2012 12:28

Actually, when you say she's put on a lot of weight, how much are we talking about? Because if it's really a lot, i.e. several stone, in just a year, that indicates something is not right.

piprabbit · 18/08/2012 12:28

I hate the idea that women have to keep themselves firmly in hand at all times or else they are "letting themselves go".

It stinks of the ancient idea that women are wild, unruly and dangerous beings who must be tamed for the good of society.

My main problem with this thread is the idea that someone is obviously upset yet her DH and friends seem to be thinking "FFS, if we could only get her to wax her pubes everything will be fine".

becstargazeypie · 18/08/2012 12:29

Something important has changed if she used to care very much about her appearance and doesn't now. Just because she has an active social life doesn't mean she isn't depressed. My friend's father was at a party chatting to everyone the day before he committed suicide. An over-reaction like thinking 'oh we might as well get divorced then' because her husband has commented on it is another symptom - thinking that the smallest thing is catastrophic.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/08/2012 12:31

No one can/should fake sexual attraction.

If he's genuinely not attracted to her after a year of marriage that's desperately sad, and they do need to work it out - but I think the OP should butt out, because at the moment she's coming across as if she thinks her 'friend' should change the way she looks and the friend is obviously pretty gutted.

alexpolismum · 18/08/2012 12:31

exactly, piprabbit. Why is no one asking why the dh needed to be "backed into a corner" before he would actually talk to his wife? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.

Original poster
Justme23 · 18/08/2012 12:33

They have been together 8 years, married for one.

I will admit we aren't as close as we used to be because of work and children getting in the way on my part but we still talk regularly and I would know.

I am NOT being bitchy but there was no other way of describing how she is now.

If it were my DP letting himself go then I would not be happy either

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 18/08/2012 12:34

OP you do sound a tad shallow in your posts.

Softlysoftly · 18/08/2012 12:36

beautiful she was and how proud he was to have her.

They got married for the wrong reasons, she is not his property, he does not have her. If you get married for physical attraction then expect it to fail, sounds like she did too from the shirt comment.

Birds if you would end the relationship then you like that person for their looks you don't live them for themselves so you would not be able to cope with a sudden change eg disfigurement.

stealth your DH grew a bear? Was it a polar bear?

MizK · 18/08/2012 12:38

OP, I think that in siding so completely with her DH you aren't being supportive enough to your friend.
I personally know that my DP would find it a turn off if I didn't shave and maintain a certain level of grooming because my appearance (not that I'm some kind of feckin supermodel) was part of what drew him to me, and vice versa. If I suddenly changed and stopped bothering with grooming etc it would be a red flag. Bodily hair is a pretty divisive subject - men and women seem to either be fine with hairy legs etc or totally against it, weird when you think about it! My DP hardly shaves recently because he has got comfortable - I hate it and let him know in no uncertain terms.
Re your friend - her DH has told her how he feels about the sudden change in how she looks - fair enough. Maybe you could talk to him and point out that there could be deeper reasons behind this and he should be doing his best to help her if she is feeling low. I hope she is OK.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/08/2012 12:39

The phrase 'letting him/herself go' is bitchy!

StealthPolarBear · 18/08/2012 12:39

so if it's not depression causing this thne this is how she wants to be and he can like it or lump it IMO

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 18/08/2012 12:42

My friends DH developed a serious degenerative condition a year after they married. Blimey he changed physically in ways you wouldn't like to imagine, and do you know what she still loved him till the day he died. What sort of shallow world do we live in that a bit of extra weight and body hair dictates whether a marriage lasts. OP you ar your poor friends DH need to grow the fuck up.

FuckityFuckFuck · 18/08/2012 12:43

Agree Stealth

If she is absolutely fine, not depressed, not ill and very happy with who she is then he either needs to accept it and love her or bugger off

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/08/2012 12:46

looking at some of the phrases used

she is the dominant one in the relationship
he was backed in to a corner

The reaction couild be due to the DH standing up for himself.

flippinada · 18/08/2012 12:49

"I am NOT being bitchy but .."

Isn't that a bit like saying "I'm not being racist, but..." ?

You know, I'd be so upset if I went to a friend for support over something which was really upsetting me only to find them posting snide comments about me on the internet for everyone to pass judgement on.

If you really were her friend then you wouldn't be doing this.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 18/08/2012 12:54

trim her pubic hair

Am I the only one who read this as "round the edges" and not a full on wax??

Going O/T Pubic hair (or not) seems to be a generational thing at the moment. No self respecting 20yo where I work, and yes there are a lot of them, and we do have these conversations, would be see dead with a hint of hair and wax their entire bodies including arms. On the other hand, any woman my age would whack a razor round the pits, trim a bikini line, and hope to remember to drag it up your shins.

lovebunny · 18/08/2012 13:01

she needs to start a new life.
for whatever reason, she is not the person she used to be. she needs to ditch all the things that tie her to her old self, including her husband and friends.
then, she should have counselling to help her cope with the whatever led to the change, and start afresh, confident, not undermined by anyone, and ready to face the world.
i wish her well. but i don't think she'll get anywhere unless she breaks free of the people undermining her.

StealthPolarBear · 18/08/2012 13:03

so I',m only 32 how have things changed so much? I'm sure when I was 18/19 shaving was something you did every few days or if you were getting dressed up. and as you say, legs, armpits and neaten the pubic hair. Ansd I know my friends were much the same.

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 13:04

I'm a year older than you stealth. One word explains it - pornification.

StealthPolarBear · 18/08/2012 13:07

So why have we all become pornified?
(wow you old ladies are wise :o)

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 13:08

T'internet
I also blame r & b music - id like to slap Rhianna and Katie perry.

StealthPolarBear · 18/08/2012 13:10

So how long ago did this start?

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 13:14

I wish I knew. I have been fucking the same man for the last 14 years so I am terribly out of the loop in dating and the like but apparently most men have gone all John Ruskin about pubic hair.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 13:15

Love you are recommending divorce, based on this one small snippet.
Dh has just told me that he his happier when I am slim and fit. Here's the best bit, because I am happier, more confident and carefree.
He this man may think his wifes sadness is because she is not making an effort and feels unattractive. But in all probability, she is sad and then lost interest. Iyswim.
It sounds like they had similar views until a year ago.
OP you can't know if she is depressed or not. No one guessed I had pnd. You become good at hiding it.

5madthings · 18/08/2012 13:20

nice thread...

seriously he wont sleep with her as she isnt as 'groomed' as he woukd like!

i am 33 and same as stealth shave legs and pits every few days or when goibg out and trim pubes. but i sometimes leave it a week or more without shaving my legs/armpits Shock just because i am busy/ cant be arsed/like to give my skon a break from shaving. i am also a stone and a half heavier than when dp and i git together (have had 5 children and will work on it when i get in the right frame of mind to do so) my dp STILL finds me attractive, tells me so and makes me feel better about myself if i feel down.

a relationship should be based on more than looks alone!

maybe she is depressed maybe she is happy in her own skin and doesnt feel the need to shave/groom so much?