to want a national "Deadbeat Dad" register?

[bogeyface]

Inspired by another thread and my response to it.

So many of us get royally screwed by these twats. So if you end up getting your maintenance being taken from your wages because you refused to co-operate then you go on the DBDR.

Yes yes, I know it wouldnt really work, but AIBU to wish it could be done to save other women from getting involved with these twats?

It's pretty simple. You have sex-you can get babies, and if said baby happens, both parents are financially responsible.
If you don't want babies, put a hat on it.
It's not failsafe, so if you are willing to take the risk, if babies happen, suck it up and take responsibility (just like the majority of lone parents have to).

I think I'm in a serious minority here, but I'll wade in anyway...
My daughter was conceived at a festival and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that the father and I jumped the gun somewhat. He did not want a child so I made the decision to raise her alone. That was MY choice. Why should he be financially responsible for a child he doesn't want to see and has no rights to?
I'm sure some of you will think I've been "had" but I could not respect myself in this particular situation if I had hunted him down and punished him for years.
My daughter does not suffer for not having him in her life, although I imagine he does.

Should I duck now?

Did you actually actively want a baby at the time? Or did you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant and so have to grow up and face the consequences? If the latter, why shouldn't he also?

The latter. And yes, I see your point. It's a difficult one to respond to. The only thing I can say is that I chose to. That doesn't mean he has to choose to also...it doesn't mean that I'd necessarily agree with this argument myself everyday either!
I suppose my point is more that I don't see my daughter as his resposibility.

can i add 'dad that pays maintenance no problem but tries to destroy the mental health of the mother instead'

i would rather manage without the money

Almeda, bumsex for both genders. In some regions of the world where it's important a girl remain a virgin until married and a child out of wedlock considered shame-bringing, it's quite common.

Oooh I have one to add to the List Of Shame!

DS' father will not see or speak to him, and drags his silly heels over the £5 per week CSA payment. He won't work in case he has to pay me more. God forbid he should have to contribute to his own child

Now if I was the same kinda parent: refusing to communicate with DS, refusing to feed, clothe, house DS then technically I could be up on child neglect charges (IMO this is not used anywhere nearly enough) and rightly so. XP however walks away scot free after IMO commiting a fucking crime, with those close to him making excuses for the shameful neglect of his child (I'm a bitch etc etc).

The law should protect innocent children like DS, and should penalise shit bastards like XP. Put the waster on the list please!!!

Has he ever made a payment Maris?

From what I can gather they have to be in arrears for, oh lord, I think it's 12 weeks or £600 (don't quote me, I know it's set limit I just can't remember exactly what it is) and then they start action. You MUST keep in touch with them as I think it bumps your name up a list.

The problem is when the non-payer just keep shoving you a fiver once every month, I think then they are less likely to push for court action etc etc.

Cos, yeah a fiver a week will keep your children in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

Can I also add dads that pay nothing whatsofuckingever to the daily costs of feeding/clothing/housing said child, but have fooled themselves into thinking they're contributing because they heap expensive gifts and activities on them during their bi monthly access visits......?

Cunt.

So, in my case, where the pill WAS taken properly (every day, without fail), condoms were used, but one split, so I took the MAP to be sure not to fall pregnant, I should not get any maintenance because there should be no 'accidents'?

This was the situation that I fell pregnant with my DD in.

The combined contraceptive pill is 99% effective if taken properly. This means that for every 100 women using the pill properly, over the course of a year, one will fall pregnant. If you multiply that by however many people are using the pill for birth control in the UK in any given year, that's a LOT of people using the pill properly that fall pregnant...

Maris, I get why you feel this way, and it's great that you feel OK about bringing up your dd alone, but will she feel the same when she realises that her father felt no responsibility towards her security and wellbeing?
My dad paid sweet FA to my mum. As far as he was concerned, she had found another husband (after he left her) and so was set up in terms of someone to pay for her (and his) kids.
My mum never chased him for money. I, however, have a massive lack of respect for my dad that he shirked his responsibilities in this way, and it affected our entire relationship.
Just sayin.

Damn, sorry Maris, I meant groupiegirl!

Groupie
You were obviously able to support yourself and your DD. If you hadn't been, would you have asked him for help?

I understand your point, but you both took that decision to have sex and so the responsibility should be shared.

Does he know about your DD?

Also (groupiegirl) It's not about "punishment" (as much as some deadbeats would have you believe it is).
It's about living with the consequences of your actions. And it's also about realising that the minute you, however unwillingly, bring another life into this world, it ceases to be just about you.

Yes, Eternal, he knows. We see other members of his family - who love my daughter and take an active interest in her life. I sometimes wonder if this actually makes it harder for him, as though they have "picked sides" and perhaps if they had stayed more distant he would have felt able to come forward? Hmm... Interestingly I get more cross with his mum who continues to feed/clothe/house him (regardless of whether he works or not) yet professes to be ashamed of his behaviour.

NowThen, I can't predict how my daughter will feel, I only know from my own experience that an inconsistent and unwilling father feels as damaging or more so than none.
I agree he should step up, but I don't want his money if he won't (and maybe that's more about me!)

Groupiegirl

Its interesting you see it as "punishment" that a father should contribute towards his own childs financial wellbeing.

What makes you see it as a punishment for him?

YADNBU!

My ex left me -
With our three boys, a mortgage and several animals, about 4 years ago....

How?

A letter -
Which included the sentence -
I just don't want to be a father anymore

Oh yes.
I shit you not MNers.
Complete dicks DO exist.

He now lives in NZ with his new stupidly naive woman.

Not a penny or birthday card for my boys.

Prick.

Shirley he has paid on and off over the years, but only when they have upped the ante. Recently he went several months without paying and they have gone for bailiffs ha ha ha ha

The CSA woman left me a voicemail, I need to return her call and I will request that his passport is stopped as he has told me that he will only work overseas now because of the CSA They know about this but can't do anything about it apparently.

Big respect for what you were saying upthread by the way

NowThen

You make a valid point, even if it took a brief detour :) . There is something utterly fundamental to the sense of self about being rejected by a parent. DS has paid a high emotional price for his father's rejection of him, even though I have told and told him that there are 2 reasons he will not see him: he has a problem with me, and his partner struggles with XP having contact with me. I am on first name terms with half the staff at CAMHS :( In fact I kicked the CSA back up the arse after CAMHS closed DS' case the last time because I knew his issues with this are not resolved and knew I might have to pay privately. DS is back on the waiting list :(

Couthymow, me too...
Two condom failures followed by two morning after pill failures, two different men, two beautiful sons.
One deadbeat dad, one dad who has let us all down emotionally but not financially.
One very jaded mum who still is not thick skinned enough to deal with the judgey pants brigade...

i was with my ex for 4 years. I got pregnant cause he wanted a family, but as soon as I did he got cold feet and wanted me to abort.

I refused so he left me and my son has never seem him. He lives in the US too so can't be made to pay child support.

For those who aren't bored of my story yet!
I got an attachment of earnings on my ex, who then gave up his job so we get £5 a week. Once someone is on benefits they can't order the baliff to remove items of value. Hence my ex refusing to get a job as the nasty csa people will take some of his money

He actually said that TO ME

But the arrears debt will never be written off. He can't even declare hi
Self bankrupt. No matter hide hard he tries to be really nice for a week or two to get me to write it off

He is currently on holiday. Not with our dc though.
His name will be first on the list!
Not bitter am I !

And waves at Shirley!
Slight high jack are you coming to the meetup?

Fabby idea

ive just started a thread cos ex works when he feels like it and pays less than £20 a week, where ive got considerable work experience and a good degree but cant get a job in my field due to childcare issues? I f he would only watch her after school and holidays i could afford to give her a great lifestyle and ex wouldnt have to pay a penny, he only works self employed chopping fucking wood and selling it when he feels like it or needs baccy or beer money...