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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a national "Deadbeat Dad" register?

200 replies

bogeyface · 16/08/2012 23:44

Inspired by another thread and my response to it.

So many of us get royally screwed by these twats. So if you end up getting your maintenance being taken from your wages because you refused to co-operate then you go on the DBDR.

Yes yes, I know it wouldnt really work, but AIBU to wish it could be done to save other women from getting involved with these twats?

OP posts:
Schoolworries · 17/08/2012 00:21

X posts!

McHappyPants2012 · 17/08/2012 00:21

i know we have the savings for DD, but tbh i feel as it is dead money because she may never come to find us

WorraLiberty · 17/08/2012 00:24

There's never a guarantee though is there?

Everyone will have anecdotes and some will break your heart to read...but I do genuinely think that given the amount of women (and again I include myself) who have split up with their DC's father, or fathers....it shows there's something going wrong somewhere with the 'choosing process' and I do think part of that is the speed at which people choose a partner, move in with them and then have a baby with them.

Original poster
bogeyface · 17/08/2012 00:26

Mine McHappy? Yes, very much so.

i know we have the savings for DD, but tbh i feel as it is dead money because she may never come to find us Do you mean dead money in that she will never get it or that she will get it but you wont see her?

OP posts:
Original poster
bogeyface · 17/08/2012 00:29

I agree with School in that abusive or deadbeat partners often dont reveal themselves until you are trapped with them. The reason I left my ex was because of the possessive and controlling nature he had shown no sign of until I had had our DD.

Thats not to say that I disagree with Worra, alot of women are so desperate for marriage/babies that they ignore the warning signs until it is too late.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 17/08/2012 00:30

i hope she gets it, but tbh i doubt she will find us.

Original poster
bogeyface · 17/08/2012 00:30

McHappy why doesnt he pay maintenance directly to his ex?

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 17/08/2012 00:32

we rang up the CSA, we did not have an address, work place to find ex and csa didn't seem bothered

Socknickingpixie · 17/08/2012 09:48

i think you dont really know someone untill you both part company.
people are often on there best behaviour in the run up to a relationship to the point that a commitment happens they then slide a bit.
thank fully i think(well hope) mostly thats as far as it goes and if you break up only perfectly normal emotional reactions happen for a short time but both parents end up with something that could constitute reasonableness.

but sometimes lots the real serious arseholeness can arrive at the point of break up. you could have known them your whole life been with them for say 10 years and have no idea that they may behave like that (goes for both not just one) you may break up due to cheating or anything and be compleatly blown away when they start evading csa or lying to them or minimising/refusing contact.

im not sure that the deadbeat parent is solely limited to people who reproduce very quickly or with people who should raise arlam bells and whilst i may be compleatly wrong i have a strange thought that its entirely possible that there is no classic or vastly more usual deadbeat and perhaps the idea that there is makes it easyer for the none sterotype ones to get away with it.

deabeat parents is on the face of it a bloody good idea.

FartyMcTarty · 17/08/2012 09:58

worra's is an interesting perspective and I agree with it to an extent ... but it's easier to think, I'd imagine, than to put into practice.

MissMogwi · 17/08/2012 09:59

It's not always that people rush into relationships though. I was with my children's father for over ten years, six of them before we had children. We had a good relationship, albeit the usual spats that everyone has.

No one was more surprised than me when he naffed off with another woman and now the children he once doted on are so far down his list of priorities it's shocking.

You never really know anyone.

x2boys · 17/08/2012 10:00

as long as we can have a nasty mums register who do everything in their power to stop children from seeing dads and turning them aginst them [even though they always pay maintenance and send birthday and xmas presents.]

MissMogwi · 17/08/2012 10:05

Think it's been said up thread it's for both parents.

FreudianSlipper · 17/08/2012 10:23

Men choose to have children too like they make the choice to not be very responsible is not just a womens choice while I agree that some men and women will overlook the sometimes obvious in our desire to has a family it is society that allows men to be this way we are much much harder on women that act irresponsibly toward their children we should not accept it full stop

susiedaisy · 17/08/2012 10:24

Good point 2boys

needaholidaynow · 17/08/2012 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 10:30

In actual fact 3 out of 5 children receive no maintenance from the NRP.

8% of single parents are men.

I think deadbeat dads refers to the majority of non paying arseholes NRP

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 10:32

Financial issues and contact issues are seperate things so I'm unsure why they are being conflated on this thread.

Although I'm not really, it's the usual bullshit wheeled out when people start having to acknowledge that the majority of children in lone parent families do not recieve financial assistance from the NRP. It's a tough pill to swallow.

EasilyBored · 17/08/2012 10:36

I'm inclined to agree with Worra on this. Whilst there are cases where you have been with someone for years and years and know them better than yourself and then they just up and randomly leave, I think they are the minority, and the 'norm' is people who really don't know each other that well to 'end up pregnant' and then it all goes tits up. I cringe a bit when I see people on here talking about how they had been with the DP for 6 months, and then 'whoops' they were pregnant, and suddenly he turns into an arsehole. I strongly suspect he was an arsehole all along.

janelikesjam · 17/08/2012 10:39

"Wouldn't it be easier if women made more of an effort to get to know the man they're getting involved with properly?

For every deadbeat dad with children he doesn't pay for, there seems to be a woman willing to get pregnant with him." WorraLiberty - like, totally.

Can we tell every 16 year old girl in the country that?

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 10:41

What difference does that make though?

Why should people not pay towards their children? 41% of children in lone parent households live in poverty. The children are suffering and regardless of whether the mother should have known Hmm that their partner was a prick is irrelevant.

threesocksmorganwinsgold · 17/08/2012 10:41

yabu
what about deadbeat mums

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 10:44

Can vindictive manipulative, two faced arseholes be included on this register: Scenario: Two 17 years olds are having sex over a period of a few months, she assures him she's on the pill, and asks him to stop using condoms as she doesnt like the feel or smell of them. He has known her a little while, and hey, he's a horny 17 year old who thinks she's covered by the pill.

But she's not, she inevitably falls pregannt, he tells her he is far too young to be a Dad and really does not want this baby, she tells him thats fine but she wants to keep the baby, and is happy to do so alone without any involvment from him.

Fast forward Twelve years, Man is happily married with a baby on the way with his wife. Ex decides this is galling after hearing of their happy life on the grapevine, as her life hasnt turned out as rosy as she thought it would, so out of the blue a CSA letter lands on his desk demanding money.

Fair? Sorry but I think not.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 10:47

In that scenario the 17 year old male should have used a condom regardless of what he was told by his partner. All contraceptives have an element of risk.

This is what I teach my sons, if you don't want a baby you have to take responsibility for protecting yourself and if a baby is conceived then you will have to pay for that child for the rest of your life.

Sounds like the man in your scenario, Golden, had it pretty easy for 12 years. My sympathy is nil I'm afraid.

Socknickingpixie · 17/08/2012 10:49

shirley because if valid issues happen with any of them its deadbeat stuff..

csa lied to or evaded = deadbeat
contact with held without cp/abuse being a valid reason = deadbeat
contact not kept up or significantly vminimised due to anything other than reasonable reasons = deadbeat