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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a national "Deadbeat Dad" register?

200 replies

bogeyface · 16/08/2012 23:44

Inspired by another thread and my response to it.

So many of us get royally screwed by these twats. So if you end up getting your maintenance being taken from your wages because you refused to co-operate then you go on the DBDR.

Yes yes, I know it wouldnt really work, but AIBU to wish it could be done to save other women from getting involved with these twats?

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:29

Easily

I just don't understand your point and how it relates to the topic in hand?

You seem to be saying (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that if a woman has children with an arsehole then...then what? Then they deserve not to get any financial assistance because they should have realised that the arsehole would turn out not to pay for the children if they split up? Or is there another more subtle point? The only ones who suffer are the children.

There's an awful lot of very old fashioned ideas on this thread - mostly blaming the women who are actually at home caring and paying for their children for...for what? Shouldn't the opprobrium be reserved for those who AREN'T doing the right thing?

Because, as I understand it, this thread is about those who don't pay for their children and whether there should be a "name and shaming" of those people.

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 11:30

Allthedirtywords yes he has missed out on alot, something he has had to live with, just as she has had to live withher choice to raise the child alone without the biological father or his funds, she was perfectly happy with that choice until her relationship ended.

Shirley he hasn't lied about the circumstances, she has been quite open in saying she had told him she was taking the pill and lied about it. He is actually a decent person, just very honest about not wanting to be a father at 17, I can't say i blame him for that, I would not have wanted that for myself or any child of mine either.
She decided at 17 she wanted to be a mother no matter what the circumstances. I had thought before all this she was a decent person too, she worked to provide for her child, seemed content with that, but is now acting in a completely vindictive manner. My opinion of her has altered dramatically.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:33

So, Golden, you believe that she was a "decent" person when she wasn't asking for financial help but now she is she isn't decent?

OK then. I think my idea of "decent" and yours are entirely different and we will have to agree to disagree.

EasilyBored · 17/08/2012 11:36

My point is that we are so quick to hurl abuse at fathers who don't pay (and quite rightly, they are dicks), but no one ever asks if maybe the woman should have thought twice about having a baby with him to begin with. I'm not saying that those dad's shouldn't pay, and that the women aren't doing the best they can for their children. I'm just saying that when people go on and on about what a shit dad their children have, I kind of think 'but you chose him as their father? You chose to have a baby with him?' All I'm saying is that while the shit dads (or NRPs) are to blame for not paying, some women have ended up in these situations, with these shit men, because of their own bad choices. I'm not saying we should scream blame at them, I'm saying that we should do what we can to avoid more situations like this. Maybe if more women came out and said 'yeh, their dad is an arsehole who refuses to pay, and it's not the children's fault so I do my best for them, but if I look at it honestly, the signs were there to begin with' maybe more women other will start putting a bit more thought into who they then have babies with. Does that make sense?

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 11:36

Shirley if she really did need the money to ensure they had a good standard of lving, I would not blame her for seekign suppoert, I really wouldn't. But I knwo she doesn't need it and is doing it out of pure spite. That is what doesn't ake her 'decent' in my eyes. Doing ti purely in the hope of disrupting her ex's life.

Treats · 17/08/2012 11:36

GoldenHandshakes - I think you're being really obtuse. If he didn't want to be a father he SHOULD HAVE WORN A CONDOM!!!!! FFS! He totally had a choice in the matter. He has to live with the consequences of his choice.

You obviously know more about the situation than any of us do, but I find your attitude towards the mother in this scenario quite offensive.

It's not surprising that there are so many deadbeat dads out there when their mothers make these kinds of excuses for them. I know you're not this young man's mother, but you sound as if you could be.

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 11:38

Oops apologies for the appalling spelling in my last post *note to self, proof read!

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:41

"It's not surprising that there are so many deadbeat dads out there when their mothers make these kinds of excuses for them"

I agree completely but would change the word "mothers" for "society".

As we can see quite clearly on this thread, all the time that people are shifting the onus from those who don't pay onto the RP for being "spiteful", "not needing the money", "made a bad choice in the father" Hmm, "not allowing contact" then NOTHING will change and men will continue to act this way as it condoned sp thoroughly.

Honestly, we're going backwards!

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 11:42

I am not being obtuse at all, as I said before, yes he should have used a condom, but hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't he? He is guilty of trusting someone at their word, I am not saying that now payment is being demanded he should avoid it, I am saying the whole situation is, in my eyes unfair. She has completely about faced on her orginal 'I don't need or want you to be a part of the child's life', after such a long time, can you blame him for being pissed off, particularly with the timing?

The mother has made it clear to all and sundry she is doing this out of spite and venom, not for the actual good of her child.

Alameda · 17/08/2012 11:43

I don't think it would be very nice for the children who might prefer or deserve to feel proud of other aspects of their dads, even if the dad does meet the criteria for inclusion on the register. They are half of their dad after all?

fluffygal · 17/08/2012 11:45

Yes definitely deadbeat mums, my two SS's 'mum' has 6 kids by 4 fathers, all- bar the one that she just gave birth to- abandoned under 16 months of age (2 before they were even 4 months old). She doesn't see any of the 5 she dumped and has never paid a penny towards any of them. But you know what? The men know she has kids she has dumped and it doesn't seem to matter to these men who get her up the duff! My OH was dad number 2, she only had one other child then, but the next two dads KNEW she had 3 and then 5 kids she didn't see and STILL got her pregnant! Luckily all the dads so far have been decent and look after their children.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:48

What about all those deadbeat cats? You know the sort, they have kittens and then fuck off without feeding them leaving some poor Mumsnetter to pick up the pieces. They should be named and shamed as well.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/08/2012 11:52

I completely see Goldens POV, and I think it's unfair that men can be lied to and manipulated in this way.

The woman in this situation lied. The man didn't make a mistake by not wearing a condom, he made a mistake by trusting a liar who told him that she was on the pill, which is very effective if taken correctly. It is not right that women can lie to men like this, and then force them to financially face the consequences.

In situations like this, they both created the baby but only one of them has a choice about whether to bring it into the world or not. Her choice should be her consequences, especially when the other person involved is still legally a child.

The money is needed for the child not the mother, yes, but that child should be the responsibility of the person that made two choices to bring him/her into the world, it should not be the responsibility of the person who had no choice.

I find it very sad that at a time when I should be talking to my sons about loving respectful relationships, I will also have to warn them about girls/women who lie outright about being on the pill and who will give them no option about whether they want to become parents or not just because they want to have a baby too young.

AllThoseDirtyWords · 17/08/2012 11:52

Sorry your friend is not decent - he is pathetic. Stop making excuses for him.

It is neither here nor there whether she needed the money or not. He has a moral and legal responsibility to pay up for his child. Besides, why does he begrudge his child growing up in and even more stable financial situation than their mother could provide?

Also if your argument is that she didn't need the money, maybe now she does considering here relationship has ended.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:53

Just teach your sons that sex leads to pregnancy and the only way to protect yourself fom it is to wear a condom. No need to go into all the women hating stuff outraged.

wineandroses · 17/08/2012 11:55

Golden I can't really believe that "The mother has made it clear to all and sundry she is doing this out of spite and venom". Why would she? It seems more like your view of her.

And I agree that you are being a bit obtuse - the main point here is that the father has spent the last 12 years ignoring the fact that he has a child. What sort of arsehole doesn't want to know anything about his child, doesn't push for contact, doesn't understand how much that child would have wanted to see him? And what sort of deadbeat doesn't think that he should ever pay to help raise that child. He may well have not wanted a child at 17, but he bloody well got one. Time is long overdue for him to man-up, and any friends like you who blame everything on his "spiteful" ex are just supporting him in his attitude of martyrdom and completely ignoring the child's needs. I find your attitude pretty shite actually.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/08/2012 11:55

If we are going to have a register for parents that don't pay for their children, we should also have a register for parents who conceived their children only because they lied. They are both equally shit parents in my view.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:56

I think that would be quite difficult to police outraged. A register of someone who hasn't paid for their children is based in fact. A register for those women who lied to get pregnant is so much more nebulous.

mignonette · 17/08/2012 11:57

As long as we can also have a 'Mediocre Mother' register also. Plenty of them too.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/08/2012 11:58

Yes, I coudk do that Shirley, but if my sons are the type of people that see the best in others and are trusting, then it would be fair to say that they have no reason not to believe that they are as protected by the pill as they are with a condom. That's why they will need to be warned that women lie about the pill. Or at the very least that they cannot be trusted to take it properly.

wineandroses · 17/08/2012 11:59

outraged maybe just tell your boys "don't want any babies? then take responsibility for contraception rather than assuming/expecting/relying on women to do it". Two people have sex, two people are responsible for any children. If you don't want a baby, take responsibility for making sure it doesn't happen!

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 12:00

No, you only need to tell them that the ONLY way to protect oneself from pregnancy is to take responsibility for your own contraception.

That's truly the only thing you need to say - otherwise you'll be teaching your sons to think women are untrustworthy snakes. I'm sure you don't want to teach them that.

SuperB0F · 17/08/2012 12:01

If we are using this thread to ignore the substance of the OP's point and just bang on about irrelevant things that get us riled up, can I just say that my fridge still smells even though I cleaned it yesterday? Could it be the Camembert, do you think, even though I haven't opened it yet?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/08/2012 12:02

Not really Shirley.

I could easily declare that I haven't received £200 a month and money towards other expenses from my dc's Dad if I wanted to. He has paid me cash, so there is no proof anywhere that says he has paid me. If I chose to be spiteful and manipulative, I could put his name on that fictional register and he woudo have no way of proving I was lying.

The fact is he has paid me, same as the fact that some women lie about the pill. It comes down to one persons word against another, not facts.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/08/2012 12:04

I don't want to teach them that, obviously. But how do you make someone believe that a condom is neccesary when they have no reason not to believe that the pill will do the same thing?

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